expectations of a dom should be ?

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

expectations of a dom should be ?

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> expectations of a dom should be ?

Page: [1]

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

expectations of a dom should be ? - 9/6/2008 12:05:34 AM

charlie00

Posts: 8
Joined: 1/17/2006
Status: offline

I am new to posting here, but not new to being here. I have noticed that the way I am, seems to throw off some people. I do ask how people feel about various things, and what their preferences are when it comes to interests and what not. Alot of the time, I have people question my dominance.... and in my own view, I doubt that someone can't be respectfull and geared toward wanting things to be mutually fullfilling, as I feel a relationship of this kind should be... I guess I am wondering if anyone feels there has to be a protocal one must fit in order to be viewed as a dom, and why it's questioned by people when one isn't cocky and demanding? Might lead to interesting conversation here, lol. I'll post more as time goes by.

Post #: 1

RE: expectations of a dom should be ? - 9/6/2008 1:13:41 AM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

For most submissives, when someone presents themselves as a dom/me, they like to see something more than the right box ticked in a profile. I expect moreso for fem/subs seeking male doms, as they're (subs) likely the ones who get jerked around most by the horny net geeks masquerading as "dominant".

And dom/mes are generally looked on to lead and set standards etc so when you ask a few too many questions about what a particular sub likes and dislikes etc, you then present as someone groping in the dark or being a little too pliable and trying to fit yourself to the sub's ideals... IE, you're not leading anymore, you're setting off geek alarms!

Such questions are probably valid and educational in any D/s *relationship* but when someone doesn't know *you* that well, then you're reasonably expected to "ante-up" and show what you've got in your own right.

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to charlie00)

Post #: 2

RE: expectations of a dom should be ? - 9/6/2008 4:46:04 AM

lally3

Posts: 595
Joined: 3/4/2008
Status: offline

it is a tricky balance youre right. you showing your caring side and your genuine desire to understand their needs and personality, which is all important and i wouldnt entertain anyone that didnt approach the whole relationship thing without some of that early on.

you need to learn to read between the lines and in a way see this early stage as a flirty time - a time to show you are real, caring and considerate but also D.

forget protocol, personally i dont think there is any. its about two strangers connecting and thats always going to be different with every different person you talk to on here. what fits one wont fit another. what you have to do is create a tone and pitch that best reflects you, because it is you you are bringing to the table.

but a bit of dommy flirty stuff goes a long way, but only a bit, never over egg it. for instance, i admitted to a guy recently that im crap at forms, really really bad, never get them off on time, often end up with fines i never pay on time, blah blah. it was just a throw away comment but he picked up on it and said that with him forms would be done on time, no question.

another guy has been trying to pin me down for a phone call just recently. he missed me again and sent me an email saying that one of these days he'd pin me down and when he did he'd 'spank that bottom of mine'. its fun, flirty, but i also know that behind the comment is an intent to control me and thats horny.

good luck.

< Message edited by lally3 -- 9/6/2008 4:50:20 AM >

_____________________________

even doves have pride (Prince)

(in reply to Focus50)

Post #: 3

RE: expectations of a dom should be ? - 9/6/2008 4:50:17 AM

califsue

Posts: 593
Joined: 2/2/2008
Status: offline

I think for lots of s-type the fantasy of a M/D is someone who says 'down on my knees bitch' mentally although that will bring complaints from s-type that don't like that. It may lead to the s-type wondering if the person is really dominant. Overall, I think most M/D types are thoughtful and respectful when getting to know someone and that most s-types want that. I think most s-types appreciate a dominant that wants to get to know them and their desires. I think each person is unique and that is does not matter what others think. What is important is that you remain true to who you are.

(in reply to Focus50)

Post #: 4

RE: expectations of a dom should be ? - 9/6/2008 4:50:36 AM

simpleplan2

Posts: 461
Joined: 7/5/2008
Status: offline

I'm with lally on this one. It's a tightrope. You never know what the submissive wants as you are strangers. I think the flirty domly stuff is good. You can gauge the submissive's reaction and take the lead from there. Personally, I don't mind someone who asks a lot of questions as long as he offers information in return.

(in reply to charlie00)

Post #: 5

RE: expectations of a dom should be ? - 9/6/2008 4:56:52 AM

catize

Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline

I ask questions, not because I doubt someone’s dominance, but because I want to know if we would be a good fit. If he won’t or can’t answer my questions then he may be dominant, just not the one for me.

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to charlie00)

Post #: 6

RE: expectations of a dom should be ? - 9/6/2008 4:57:16 AM

simpleplan2

Posts: 461
Joined: 7/5/2008
Status: offline

Sue,

Send some of those thoughtful and respectful ones my way...after you've finished with them of course.

(in reply to califsue)

Post #: 7

RE: expectations of a dom should be ? - 9/6/2008 5:52:56 AM

sunshinedreams

Posts: 181
Joined: 1/22/2008
Status: offline

I don't see why finding out about your partner (play or relationship) would ever be a bad thing. I personally have never gone in for that whole, "Me Dom, you sub. On your knees NOW!" Before I can begin to submit, I have to be in the space of truly being me, then I have something to offer. But when I am just trying to fill a role, it always goes badly. I guess I'm just saying that I actually need my Dom to know who I am and what I have to offer. So.....I guess it just takes the right person to desire what you, truly being yourself, have to offer (on either side of the slash).

*edited because I have no coffee

< Message edited by sunshinedreams -- 9/6/2008 6:06:30 AM >

(in reply to simpleplan2)

Post #: 8

RE: expectations of a dom should be ? - 9/6/2008 6:29:52 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

You're doing it right.

I suspect that a lot of the subs you're talking with, are looking for dirty talk to get their rocks off. Tough noogies, you're the Dom and you're doing it your way.

If you're looking for online only, you may be going too slow. But if this will be in person, then it will be a relationship first and D/s second. Stick to your guns.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to sunshinedreams)

Post #: 9

RE: expectations of a dom should be ? - 9/6/2008 6:42:25 AM

NuevaVida

Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline

Some people have a persona in their minds about what a dom or sub should be, and anyone who doesn't fit their fantasy-profile of what that is can't possibly be described as such. All I can say is be yourself. A complete human being - flaws and all - is much more attractive to most than someone trying to play a part, or someone who can not express all facets of him/herself.

The man I am talking to now is not at all "cocky and demanding." He's funny as hell, compassionate, smart, passionately political, and, well, quite multi-dimensional, while remaining interestingly humble. I'm finding his make-up to be intriguing and enjoyable, and I love the genuineness that comes through when he talks to me.

So...protocol? Only if that's what really floats your boat. Otherwise, I would suggest not trying to fit yourself into a boxed view of what you think a Dom should be, and instead, just be you.

(in reply to charlie00)

Post #: 10

RE: expectations of a dom should be ? - 9/6/2008 6:49:47 AM

Jupiterfalling

Posts: 42
Joined: 6/22/2008
Status: offline

I think it's a good thing. Personally, I want someone who cares enough to figure out what will work with me. Then again, I'm not after the worlds harshest master. Also, you want to introduce and suggest, guage thier reaction. A huge turn on is a Dom who can be very sensitive at moments and also offer stringency in others. Dominance requires confidence (as does submission) and insight. Your tone and voice is suggestive of what you will inflict, but should also be taken away at times to "check in". I guess it's all about who you want to be and who you want to obtain.

(in reply to charlie00)

Post #: 11

RE: expectations of a dom should be ? - 9/6/2008 6:53:37 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

I can't believe I'm suggesting this, but add a paragraph at the end of your profile as to what you are interested in kinkwise. Without any real info on your profile, your questions are going to seem as though you're willing to do anything to get a girl. And desperation is not hot.

If you list your interests, then people you contact will be able to tell you that you aren't compatible or conversely see some compatibility and may be more willing to respond.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to NuevaVida)

Post #: 12

RE: expectations of a dom should be ? - 9/6/2008 8:44:20 AM

MsAlaria

Posts: 31
Joined: 12/15/2007
From: Richmond, VA
Status: offline

My jaded mind thinks the same thing as others do. If you're asking too many of the wrong questions, it could seem like you're trying to fit their cookie cutter mold of what a Dominant is/does/says. I've always tried to have a good balance of "getting to know you" questions and answers. Usually I'll ask about Vanilla interests before I'll think about discussing D/s interests. Remember too that you don't have to learn everything in one conversation, it should be a drawn out exchange....it is no different than meeting any partner whether its D/s or not.

I have my best male friend call into question my Dominance quite often but that's because I don't show it to him. My female best friend knows what I am without question because that's how I am with her. However, do NOT let anyone else dictate to you what you know in your heart to be true about yourself.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 13

RE: expectations of a dom should be ? - 9/6/2008 12:44:18 PM

natasha66

Posts: 321
Joined: 10/14/2006
From: NJ
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lally3

<snipped> but a bit of dommy flirty stuff goes a long way

For me too.....that "on your knees, bitch" crap just makes me laugh. This is about fun, is it not?

_____________________________

"If you bother me again I shall visit you in the small hours of the night and put a bat up your nightdress".
~Basil Fawlty

Collared June 4th, 2008
Love is giving him the power to destroy you, but trusting him not to.

(in reply to lally3)

Post #: 14

RE: expectations of a dom should be ? - 9/6/2008 3:09:43 PM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: charlie00

I am new to posting here, but not new to being here. I have noticed that the way I am, seems to throw off some people. I do ask how people feel about various things, and what their preferences are when it comes to interests and what not. Alot of the time, I have people question my dominance.... and in my own view, I doubt that someone can't be respectfull and geared toward wanting things to be mutually fullfilling, as I feel a relationship of this kind should be... I guess I am wondering if anyone feels there has to be a protocal one must fit in order to be viewed as a dom, and why it's questioned by people when one isn't cocky and demanding? Might lead to interesting conversation here, lol. I'll post more as time goes by.

As you can see from the responses, *mutual* sharing and conversation etc goes a long way to making the right impressions. So by all means be a good listener and ask questions with these subs who are strangers but, above all, be yourself too - and doms are looked on to lead, esp by example.

Just to digress a little....

Everything you say or do reflects the kind of person you are. The more you put yourself out there, the more you're in your own spotlight. And the more familiar you become, the more people are able to "read between the lines" rather than rely solely on what you choose to say or show.

You've got 2 whole posts to your name, yet I recognise your pic from the other topic you started (and which I posted in). This is not a criticism so much as highlighting my point in the previous paragraph.... You start topics but you don't manage them; you give no feedback to the replies to continue the "conversation"! A thinking sub might reasonably wonder if this is indicative of your greater D/s relationship management skills....

Is this starting to sound familiar re the theme to your question here and the replies you've received...? I am at least assuming you're reading the replies....

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to charlie00)

Post #: 15

RE: expectations of a dom should be ? - 9/6/2008 9:05:46 PM

charlie00

Posts: 8
Joined: 1/17/2006
Status: offline

ahh yes, I read all the replies. My question has been answered, thank you all who reply. I'm sure I'll ask more things as they pop into my mind

(in reply to Focus50)

Post #: 16

RE: expectations of a dom should be ? - 9/7/2008 10:19:17 AM

goodpet

Posts: 458
Joined: 6/8/2005
Status: offline

I would think the protocols for being a Dom when meeting others, such as at a play party, meeting, or group would be the same one you learned in kindergarden..

Keep you hands to yourself, wait your turn, ask permission before touching or using, replace what you use, use the magic words..

(in reply to charlie00)

Post #: 17

RE: expectations of a dom should be ? - 9/7/2008 10:56:38 AM

natty08

Posts: 14
Joined: 8/22/2008
Status: offline

Just be yourself the right match will come along it takes time and patience :)

(in reply to goodpet)

Post #: 18

RE: expectations of a dom should be ? - 9/7/2008 7:19:34 PM

VivaciousSub

Posts: 446
Joined: 9/7/2008
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Jupiterfalling

A huge turn on is a Dom who can be very sensitive at moments and also offer stringency in others. Dominance requires confidence (as does submission) and insight.

Jupiter, I couldn't agree with you more. For me to have the confidence in my D to submit, I have to be certain that I can trust him to have the insight to choose his style of 'managing' me and the relationship. If he can be both tender but unyielding/stringent, I am his.

(in reply to Jupiterfalling)

Post #: 19

RE: expectations of a dom should be ? - 9/7/2008 8:37:41 PM

peppermint

Posts: 5172
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: charlie00

I do ask how people feel about various things, and what their preferences are when it comes to interests and what not. Alot of the time, I have people question my dominance....

You do not say what kinds of questions you are asking. That might be the problem. If a Dom I just met online would start to ask me questions of a sexual and very personal nature before we had developed any friendly feelings, I'd put him in my whanker column and cease contact.

(in reply to charlie00)

Post #: 20

Page: [1]

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> expectations of a dom should be ?

Page: [1]

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.105