A Dom Needing Help

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OnyxDelphi -> A Dom Needing Help (9/6/2008 8:08:57 PM)
The following was written to me on a different website and I wanted everyone's honest opinion on how to help this young Dom in the rising. Please be honest, but kind. No need to bash him or each other. Not too mention, I'm not entirely sure what to say to him. "I have a bit of a personal problem I wanted your advice on. I could bring this issue up with those who know me best, but I feel for a genuine unbiased opinion I need to ask a stranger in BDSM. Btw, thanks for reading this much. Forgive me if this is long. For starters, I know I love BDSM. It's a lifestyle that I have no desire leaving. My dilemma is determining where I stand in the ranks of other Doms. I have slight submissive tendencies, which come out mostly in vanilla day to day life...however I have 0 desire to be a sub. In fact, when it comes to my partner (currently single), I prefer to be Dominant. I enjoy having things my way, giving orders, and being in control. And all the creative stuff that goes with it. However, I don't don't know how to gauge this since I am not a dominant person by nature. I honestly, ride the fence subconsciously. I am by nature, a neutral person in most things I do. However, I am not a switch. So here lies my problem. I can watch other doms and see them in action and just in vanilla reactions, and they usually are doms daily in most things. I know how to control. I'm good at executing it. I'm creative and I love it. Not too mention I love a girl on her knees calling me "Master/Daddy." But you're not going to get that "dominating" persona radiating off of me. Honestly, if someone were to serve me, it would have to be because they like who I am, and not because they always feel submissive in my presence. Do you see my problem? Any advice you could offer would greatly help. Thank you. "

CalifChick -> RE: A Dom Needing Help (9/6/2008 8:11:53 PM)
I'm not seeing the problem, other than he thinks he has to exude dominance, or that there are "ranks" of dominance. Cali

OnyxDelphi -> RE: A Dom Needing Help (9/6/2008 8:12:45 PM)
Personally, I feel that he just needs to find a sub that will respond to him in a positive light. Not all subs are the same, and someone may see something in him worth keeping that others don't see.

Huntertn -> RE: A Dom Needing Help (9/6/2008 8:24:19 PM)
He is OK. Not every Dom is 100% dominant every second of every day in his life. And if he just wants to be the Dom with one person and one only..I really don't see anything wrong with it..Nor should he.

lovingpet -> RE: A Dom Needing Help (9/6/2008 8:25:27 PM)
Perhaps there is a prime candidate to be a casual, bedroom top. No shame in that.... A proper match is going to be more important than trying to attain some kind of "dominating presence". lovingpet

DiurnalVampire -> RE: A Dom Needing Help (9/6/2008 8:29:32 PM)
I think his problem is self confidence more than anything else. It sounds like rather than judging himself for what he has and what he can offer, he is comparing himself to those he sees around him. Thats always a bad way to start. You cannot care what everyone else is doing, you have to be happy with yourself and your partner.

lovingpet -> RE: A Dom Needing Help (9/6/2008 8:41:01 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DiurnalVampire I think his problem is self confidence more than anything else. It sounds like rather than judging himself for what he has and what he can offer, he is comparing himself to those he sees around him. Thats always a bad way to start. You cannot care what everyone else is doing, you have to be happy with yourself and your partner. Absolutely DV! lovingpet

DesFIP -> RE: A Dom Needing Help (9/6/2008 8:57:57 PM)
He's comparing his insides to others' outsides. If he prefers to give the orders in daily life, that spells dominant to me. He just needs to find someone who likes him as is.

TNstepsout -> RE: A Dom Needing Help (9/6/2008 9:24:48 PM)
The only problem is his perception of what "dominant" is or that all submissive women seek the same thing. There is no need to "exude" dominance. Sometimes that's a sign of insecurity. He just has to feel confident in being dominant in a way that works for him and forget trying to conform to his preconceived idea of what a dominant person is like.

Ialdabaoth -> RE: A Dom Needing Help (9/6/2008 9:42:36 PM)
It is okay to be dominant and still wish to serve - in fact, to do so can make you a better dominant, because you are better equipped to understand what service means. It is okay to be dominant and still allow yourself to be vulnerable - in fact, to do so can make you a better dominant, because willfully being vulnerable takes the highest form of courage there is. It is okay to be dominant and still allow yourself self-doubt - in fact, to do so can make you a better dominant, because constant self-examination and self-criticism are the only way to protect against the sorts of self-delusion that dominance can so easily invite. It is okay to be dominant and not exude dominance - in fact, to do so can make you a better dominant, because you have to actually know what you're doing, rather than simply winging it and expecting it to work.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: A Dom Needing Help (9/6/2008 9:55:52 PM)
Calif said exactly what I was going to say. This dudes only problem is that he's measuring himself up against others and believing he comes up short.

MaamJay -> RE: A Dom Needing Help (9/7/2008 1:26:19 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Ialdabaoth It is okay to be dominant and still wish to serve - in fact, to do so can make you a better dominant, because you are better equipped to understand what service means. It is okay to be dominant and still allow yourself to be vulnerable - in fact, to do so can make you a better dominant, because willfully being vulnerable takes the highest form of courage there is. It is okay to be dominant and still allow yourself self-doubt - in fact, to do so can make you a better dominant, because constant self-examination and self-criticism are the only way to protect against the sorts of self-delusion that dominance can so easily invite. It is okay to be dominant and not exude dominance - in fact, to do so can make you a better dominant, because you have to actually know what you're doing, rather than simply winging it and expecting it to work. Well said! My thought is that he is confusing dominance with domineering ... they are NOT the same thing and the latter is usually unpleasant to be with. A Dominant is someone who knows what s/he wants and how they can motivate a sub to achieve it. They can be the quietest, most laid back person in the room, and yet still be incredibly Dommly to their one and have them wanting nothing more than to be on their knees serving them. Stop judging himself, develop his OWN Dommly style in concert with his sub! Maam Jay aka violet[A]

gypsygrl -> RE: A Dom Needing Help (9/7/2008 4:40:05 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Ialdabaoth It is okay to be dominant and still wish to serve - in fact, to do so can make you a better dominant, because you are better equipped to understand what service means. It is okay to be dominant and still allow yourself to be vulnerable - in fact, to do so can make you a better dominant, because willfully being vulnerable takes the highest form of courage there is. It is okay to be dominant and still allow yourself self-doubt - in fact, to do so can make you a better dominant, because constant self-examination and self-criticism are the only way to protect against the sorts of self-delusion that dominance can so easily invite. It is okay to be dominant and not exude dominance - in fact, to do so can make you a better dominant, because you have to actually know what you're doing, rather than simply winging it and expecting it to work. Brilliant. Basically, you're saying, its ok to be dominant and still want to be human. quote: My dilemma is determining where I stand in the ranks of other Doms. As others have said, it doesn't really matter where someone stands in the ranks of other dominants. All that matters is where someone stands with respect to their partner. quote: I am by nature, a neutral person in most things I do. This sounds really healthy to me. Most things in life don't require either dominance or submission. Neutrality would seem to be more appropriate. People who are dominant in all things are hard to be with and tend to have problems functioning socially. They don't play well with others. quote: I know how to control. I'm good at executing it. I'm creative and I love it. Not too mention I love a girl on her knees calling me "Master/Daddy." But you're not going to get that "dominating" persona radiating off of me. Honestly, if someone were to serve me, it would have to be because they like who I am, and not because they always feel submissive in my presence. Do you see my problem? No, I really don't. I've been involved with a couple of d's where I was attracted to the dominant persona radiating off them rather than who they were. Those relationships didn't last long. The persona isn't the person. Its a mask someone presents to the world. Relating to a persona would make for a shallow, and probably short lived, relationship.

catize -> RE: A Dom Needing Help (9/7/2008 6:08:21 AM)
I find your friend’s questions refreshing. He obviously is not one who puts ‘dom’ to his name and expects everything to fall into place without any work on his part. No one is dominant to the world at large—that would be an overwhelming task! He says he wants to lead; has a creative side to his leadership, has given thought to want he wants and how he would make it happen---this is NOT a bad thing! quote: Honestly, if someone were to serve me, it would have to be because they like who I am, and not because they always feel submissive in my presence. As a submissive, I want to serve and please my dominants. I was not bludgeoned into submission to them by any sort of ‘dominant aura’. In fact, R. is very laid back and passive in the eyes of the world (he looks like Santa Claus, complete with twinkling eyes!) And S. has difficulty sometimes telling potential customers ‘no’, but he has no hesitation denying some requests of mine! As others have said, we are all people first and then we find fulfillment in the type of relationships we want.

IvyMorgan -> RE: A Dom Needing Help (9/7/2008 7:02:06 AM)
Some of us like the things he seems to be critiquing in himself. I, personally, speaking only for me, myself and I, don't want the sort of person who is overpowering every situation he/she comes into. Yes, some form of strength of presence is what I seek, but that can be quiet, sitting in the corner of the room, self assured-ness as opposed to "overpowering must dominate the world". I feel uncomfortable when too much attention is drawm to me, and so the "understated" dominant in the corner is far more my cup of tea. He/She is no less dominant in the relationship because I'm the one being assertive and dealing with things, because I'm the one taking a leading role in a social situation/work environment... I've commented to a few people when trying to work with a dominant friend and myself that the best person to come to with a request/issue/need is me, because I'll get it done even if I'm not the one with the technical know-how. He and I work well together because we compliment each other. It doesn't mean I'm not the submissive between the two of us. I'm rambling, but, meah, just because he doesn't conform to the image of domliness he has in his head doesn't make him an inferior dom or any less desirable. Just that a different group of s-types will find him attractive. He won't like all s-types, not all s-type will like him, but if he is himself, he's a better chance of finding a match. Oh, and ditto what MaamJay said :)

TheLadyConstance -> RE: A Dom Needing Help (9/7/2008 7:33:55 AM)
Sounds to me like he's just human. It's easy to look at other Doms doing their work and think that they must be like that 24/7, and then doubt your own ability. I'm going to make a gross assumption that the other Doms he's seen outside a scene were at least aware that he was also into BDSM, and it's possible that they were showing off a little by being dominant in a more vanilla setting. If it gives you pleasure to be dominant in a scene, but more neutral outside of a scene, that's the way you should do it. There are no rules, and you can be anything you want to be as long as it makes you (and your partner, if you have one) happy.

candystripper -> RE: A Dom Needing Help (9/7/2008 8:23:17 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OnyxDelphi The following was written to me on a different website and I wanted everyone's honest opinion on how to help this young Dom in the rising. Please be honest, but kind. No need to bash him or each other. Not too mention, I'm not entirely sure what to say to him. "I have a bit of a personal problem I wanted your advice on. I could bring this issue up with those who know me best, but I feel for a genuine unbiased opinion I need to ask a stranger in BDSM. Btw, thanks for reading this much. Forgive me if this is long. For starters, I know I love BDSM. It's a lifestyle that I have no desire leaving. My dilemma is determining where I stand in the ranks of other Doms. I have slight submissive tendencies, which come out mostly in vanilla day to day life...however I have 0 desire to be a sub. In fact, when it comes to my partner (currently single), I prefer to be Dominant. I enjoy having things my way, giving orders, and being in control. And all the creative stuff that goes with it. However, I don't don't know how to gauge this since I am not a dominant person by nature. I honestly, ride the fence subconsciously. I am by nature, a neutral person in most things I do. However, I am not a switch. So here lies my problem. I can watch other doms and see them in action and just in vanilla reactions, and they usually are doms daily in most things. I know how to control. I'm good at executing it. I'm creative and I love it. Not too mention I love a girl on her knees calling me "Master/Daddy." But you're not going to get that "dominating" persona radiating off of me. Honestly, if someone were to serve me, it would have to be because they like who I am, and not because they always feel submissive in my presence. Do you see my problem? Any advice you could offer would greatly help. Thank you. " He sounds like a whole person, sufficiently developed and self-aware that he no longer fits into anyone's shorthand or box. Give him my nick! candystripper [sm=pole.gif]

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