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Positive Relationshkips - 9/16/2008 5:02:23 AM   
LATEXBABY64


Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
Status: offline 		 
In this world of bdsm. Everyone has a concept of what they think is good or bad in a relationship What they deem good.  

if you really want the end all be all thing. You really need to start looking inward. What do you have to bring to the table. Most people just go by looks oar sexual content this is only the first phase or attraction phase of any relationship.  

  remember there is always going to be acceptations to any rule. It is the odds that your after  always put the odds in Your favor.

     SO lets start with Character

(The combination of qualities or features that distinguishes one person, group, or thing from another

The combination of emotional, intellectual, and moral qualities that distinguishes an individual
A description of a person's attributes, traits, or abilities.
(answers.com )
 
basically who we are as a person.  

In bdsm you find many flavors of people. All kinds of back grounds and places
Finding a good match is not easy. Trying to stay away from the pit falls can be
at least putting the odds your favor of finding a good person for you.

I start with what i call the five qualities of success in finding that dom domme or sub.

1  Can they keep a job( any job work from home making some kind of of fundage ) people that can not take responsibility can be a drain on any relationship )
2 how many ds partners have they had in a five to ten year span  ( people that have had tons of partners will never seperate what you are  from them ) the first time you play and they say someone elses name lol
3 do they respect you as a person. Not just your kink ( you ideas your dreams your wishes your desires as well as theirs )
4 can they be trusted  ( some of things we do is not for the rest of the world to know  who we are with and what we do with them and such )
5 past baggage  Can they live with yours and you with theirs 

Why settle for scraps  there are really great people  just takes time and hard work
but in the end a lot of great safe and wonderful fun and true power exchange. 

yep
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RE: Positive Relationshkips - 9/16/2008 8:29:31 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		I would say that none of the issue you placed define the character of a person although a few of them are good indicators to determine compatability with a person.
 
Number two means nothing.  Someone could be simply having play partners or casual relationship until they come across one single person who makes them happy.  Even then if both are poly, makes no difficulties.
 
Number three hold no real relevance.  It's such an overrated word and meaning.  I can respect someone I disagree vehemently with - so respect holds no issue with me.
 
Number 5 - baggage - The issue isn't living with it, it's how it was dealt with that matters.
 
the.dark.

_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

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RE: Positive Relationshkips - 9/16/2008 8:47:41 AM   
VampiresLair


Posts: 1307
Joined: 9/3/2008
Status: offline 		I have very positive realtionships with people who are terrible matches with me.
Keeping a job in this day and age may or may not have much to do with a persons abilities as it does with their location. I have extremely capable friends who have been laid off, not fired, because their facilities closed. Their ability to hold jobs is questionable at best becasue their field is unstable not becasue they are.

How many partners someonee has is absolutely no indication of their interest in a steady relationship. When I was 18 -22 I had many many partners. I was experimenting and poly. Now that I am in my 30s, I have had far fewer relationships recently... but that doesnt change the number of partners I have had through my experience.

I can respect people and still not be a decent fit for a relationshuip with them. Just becasue I respect their opinions and wishes doesnt make them compatible with mine

Trust is a must, but it is also something that had best be earned and not given blindly.

Everyone has baggage. Looking for someone without it is looking for a unicorn. And as .the.dark. said, having is not as important as handling.

I've always been more concerned with their intentions in meeting and being with me, versus all the later planning bits. If the person you meet intends to have  a real trelationship then it may work. If they do not intend to try for one, or if they are not willing to put in any work for one... no matter how compatible you two might be it will never get off the ground. Subs occasionally forget they have to make an effort as well. Being dominant, I cannot order a relationship to work.

DV

(in reply to RCdc)
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RE: Positive Relationshkips - 9/16/2008 8:52:50 AM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		sooooooo... what is your question then?....

With out any actual question or direction from your OP... I suspect people are going to continue to be critical of your measures and just might not share much of their own.

< Message edited by KnightofMists -- 9/16/2008 8:53:35 AM >

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

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RE: Positive Relationshkips - 9/16/2008 10:10:01 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

Why settle for scraps there are really great people just takes time and hard work


And luck.  I am convinced that it's as much luck as anything else.


_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

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RE: Positive Relationshkips - 9/16/2008 10:11:31 AM   
VampiresLair


Posts: 1307
Joined: 9/3/2008
Status: offline 		Oh, absolutely Katy, theres a huge amount of luck. Theres a ton of luck involved n 2 people meeting at all, much less 2 people who will work out finding one another out of everyone out there.

(in reply to KatyLied)
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RE: Positive Relationshkips - 9/16/2008 10:29:40 AM   
OttersSwim


Posts: 2860
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline 		You know, I would change #1 to:  How do they contribute to the relationship and your life?

I think that not everyone will keep/hold down a job and yet, their contribution to the relationship in work, care, comfort, and mundane things like grocery shopping and picking up kids can be huge.

I think that trust is huge in any relationship, and if are are going to turn yourself over to someone's control, you had better have done your homework on the type of person that they are.

As to baggage, I don't want to -live- with someone's baggage unless I am certain that they understand what it contains, and have taken some time to sort through it and hopefully discarded some.  "I'm hurt inside and you are just going to have to deal with what that does to me/you/us." does not work for me, nope.


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I am on a journey of authenticity and self.

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RE: Positive Relationshkips - 9/16/2008 10:38:25 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

quote:

Why settle for scraps there are really great people just takes time and hard work


And luck.  I am convinced that it's as much luck as anything else.



Well, I am not superstitious, so I do not believe in luck.  I do believe we create our own destiny - I don't put shit down to something so simple as luck.  It takes away all the hard work people put into relationships or into creating their 'unit' and in reverse, it leaves an excuse for people who aren't up to working on relationships.
 
the.dark.

_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

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RE: Positive Relationshkips - 9/16/2008 10:41:57 AM   
kidwithknife


Posts: 193
Joined: 9/9/2008
Status: offline 		"Does the fact we're in a relationship make us happy?".

Everything else is merely window dressing for me.

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RE: Positive Relationshkips - 9/16/2008 10:44:02 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kidwithknife

"Does the fact we're in a relationship make us happy?".

Everything else is merely window dressing for me.



I totally agree.
But the fact remains that many people have shopping lists.
 
the.dark.

_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to kidwithknife)
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RE: Positive Relationshkips - 9/16/2008 10:50:07 AM   
Ialdabaoth


Posts: 1073
Joined: 5/4/2008
From: Tempe, AZ
Status: offline
quote:

Well, I am not superstitious, so I do not believe in luck.  I do believe we create our own destiny


... this statement does not make sense to me. Help?

(in reply to RCdc)
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RE: Positive Relationshkips - 9/16/2008 10:57:31 AM   
Catilicious


Posts: 38
Joined: 3/5/2008
Status: offline 		Something I've noticed in my search for a sub (and/or slave) is that a lot of people on collarme put a lot of stock into how "perfect" and "drama free" a potential partner might be. I can't guarantee that I'm going to be a in great mood every day no matter what, that the sex (if there is any) is always going to be phenomenal and that you won't ever have to worry about my cat puking on the kitchen floor (hair ball remedy + special food + regular grooming = still not always enough). In typical marriage vows they say "for better or for worse." This means not splitting when things get a little rough.

Are you going to stick it out despite the ups and downs of life?

< Message edited by Catilicious -- 9/16/2008 10:58:23 AM >

(in reply to kidwithknife)
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RE: Positive Relationshkips - 9/16/2008 11:05:34 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I think a list of characteristics you need in a partner is a smart thing. Not down to the minutiae, but to know what you do like and what you don't. I know  some very nice people, as friends, who I would not be happy with in a relationship because we are lacking the same viewpoint on things that are extremely important to me. We would butt heads all the time, and I couldn't give over power to someone who I simply wouldn't trust to handle an essential issue appropriately.

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Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


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RE: Positive Relationshkips - 9/16/2008 11:06:06 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Ialdabaoth

quote:

Well, I am not superstitious, so I do not believe in luck.  I do believe we create our own destiny


... this statement does not make sense to me. Help?


Luck places things down to outside sources of the unknown.  A chance happening.
I don't believe in chance.  I do believe that people have a responsibility to themselves for their creation.
 
Destiny is the route you take and create along the way - it's the final outcome.  Some people believe that you cannot alter your destiny, or that everyone has a destiny you cannot alter.  I don't believe that is the case.
Death is the only sure thing - and even after that it's all guess work.
 
the.dark.

_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to Ialdabaoth)
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RE: Positive Relationshkips - 9/16/2008 11:18:31 AM   
Ialdabaoth


Posts: 1073
Joined: 5/4/2008
From: Tempe, AZ
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

quote:

ORIGINAL: Ialdabaoth

quote:

Well, I am not superstitious, so I do not believe in luck.  I do believe we create our own destiny


... this statement does not make sense to me. Help?


Luck places things down to outside sources of the unknown.  A chance happening.
I don't believe in chance.  I do believe that people have a responsibility to themselves for their creation.


I would assert that that is superstition talking.

(in reply to RCdc)
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RE: Positive Relationshkips - 9/16/2008 11:21:54 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		Nope.  That is belief.
Superstition is irrational.
Belief is cognative.
 
the.dark.

_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to Ialdabaoth)
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RE: Positive Relationshkips - 9/16/2008 11:24:38 AM   
kidwithknife


Posts: 193
Joined: 9/9/2008
Status: offline
quote:

I totally agree.

But the fact remains that many people have shopping lists.

the.dark.


I completely get what you're saying there.  However, when they're looked at closely, the vast bulk of what's included in those shopping lists falls into the "makes me happy" category rather than outside.  I think they tend to fall into the following categories:

1)  'Weird Science' perfect partner building games.  Physical traits that people are attracted to.  A love of a specific band.  A Scottish accent.  That kind of thing.

2)  Things that it's highly likely that anyone who they'd be happy being with would fit, though it's not completely out of the question there could be exceptions.  Similar political views.  Participating in a hobby that's a major part of your life.  Subcultural identification, for those whom that's important for you.

For me , that would be understanding quite how passionately I care about music and being the same.  That's far more important than musical taste for me.  It's about understanding why I get so excited when I discover a new band and want to share it with everyone.  Because, without someone having that trait, I'm not going to be able to connect with them in a way that's very important to me.

So I think the odds are its highly likely that anyone I have potential with is going to be like that.  However, I don't feel able to unconditionally state that's going to be the case.  If someone makes me happy in every other way, I'm not going to necessarily see that issue as the dealbreaker it feels like at the moment.  Does that make some kind of sense?

3)  Life goals.  Whether people want children.  Plans to relocate.  Whether marriage is an eventual aim.  Those are the most complex, because conflicts tend to surface more heavily with time than at the start of a relationship.

The last category are probably the ones most likely to fall out of my "happiness" summary.  They aren't for me.  Because I'm interested in the happiness of the moment, whether that moment lasts a month or 20 years.  So I try not to worry about long term potential.  But I fully understand that isn't the perspective everyone has on relationships.  And for those people, it is understandable that they're not willing to get into a relationship that feels right now, if they don't think it will still do so in the future.

(in reply to RCdc)
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RE: Positive Relationshkips - 9/16/2008 11:29:36 AM   
zakkan


Posts: 606
Joined: 4/15/2008
Status: offline 		For everything thats happens there is probabilty. For every possible combination of lottery numbers, the probablility of one of them being the winning number is the same. Likewise, you can calculate the probablility of getting the card you need when playing poker.

Luck is merely the name we give to whatever decides the outcome of probability. Something is going to happen. What decides it? Someone called it luck.

You are merely altering probability when you e.g. work harder at a project. The probability of you succeeding increases. But in the end it is still probable to fail. And "luck" will decide.


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Silence! I keel you!

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RE: Positive Relationshkips - 9/16/2008 12:19:29 PM   
VivaciousSub


Posts: 446
Joined: 9/7/2008
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LATEXBABY64

I start with what i call the five qualities of success in finding that dom domme or sub.

1  Can they keep a job( any job work from home making some kind of of fundage ) people that can not take responsibility can be a drain on any relationship )
2 how many ds partners have they had in a five to ten year span  ( people that have had tons of partners will never seperate what you are  from them ) the first time you play and they say someone elses name lol
3 do they respect you as a person. Not just your kink ( you ideas your dreams your wishes your desires as well as theirs )
4 can they be trusted  ( some of things we do is not for the rest of the world to know  who we are with and what we do with them and such )
5 past baggage  Can they live with yours and you with theirs 



1. It's not only can they keep a job - it's can they maintain their duties to everything important in their life - kids, family, etc. If they start shirking their duties to them, you'll fall off the list eventually. Or even soonly.

2. Number of partners strikes me as irrelevant. It's how they treated those partners. My Sir has been with more women than I have been with men, but I've met one He's still involved with and He treats her with great respect and kindness. I have a treasure in my Sir

3. Absolutely something they need to have. I am a slave, but Master respects me and I respect Him greatly. I will not be a slave to someone who treats me ill. The kink doesn't happen without the respect.

4. Trust is the foundation of all good relationships. Duh.

5. As others have noted, it's not the baggage itself so much as how it was dealt with. The bed gets a little cramped if there's a bunch of Samsonite suitcases in there with us.


_____________________________

9.8m/s^2 + VivaciousSub + ground = ouchx10^9th

To yield readily--easily--to the persuasion of a friend is no merit.... To yield without conviction is no compliment to the understanding of either. ~ Pride and Prejudice

(in reply to LATEXBABY64)
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RE: Positive Relationshkips - 9/16/2008 12:58:49 PM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kidwithknife

quote:

I totally agree.

But the fact remains that many people have shopping lists.

the.dark.


I completely get what you're saying there.  However, when they're looked at closely, the vast bulk of what's included in those shopping lists falls into the "makes me happy" category rather than outside.  I think they tend to fall into the following categories:

1)  'Weird Science' perfect partner building games.  Physical traits that people are attracted to.  A love of a specific band.  A Scottish accent.  That kind of thing.

2)  Things that it's highly likely that anyone who they'd be happy being with would fit, though it's not completely out of the question there could be exceptions.  Similar political views.  Participating in a hobby that's a major part of your life.  Subcultural identification, for those whom that's important for you.

For me , that would be understanding quite how passionately I care about music and being the same.  That's far more important than musical taste for me.  It's about understanding why I get so excited when I discover a new band and want to share it with everyone.  Because, without someone having that trait, I'm not going to be able to connect with them in a way that's very important to me.

So I think the odds are its highly likely that anyone I have potential with is going to be like that.  However, I don't feel able to unconditionally state that's going to be the case.  If someone makes me happy in every other way, I'm not going to necessarily see that issue as the dealbreaker it feels like at the moment.  Does that make some kind of sense?

3)  Life goals.  Whether people want children.  Plans to relocate.  Whether marriage is an eventual aim.  Those are the most complex, because conflicts tend to surface more heavily with time than at the start of a relationship.

The last category are probably the ones most likely to fall out of my "happiness" summary.  They aren't for me.  Because I'm interested in the happiness of the moment, whether that moment lasts a month or 20 years.  So I try not to worry about long term potential.  But I fully understand that isn't the perspective everyone has on relationships.  And for those people, it is understandable that they're not willing to get into a relationship that feels right now, if they don't think it will still do so in the future.



I totally get what you are saying and agree.  I love the last paragraph actually - it rocks for me because I identified with it so well - and still do.  People miss so many great or potential moments of any length because they get so fixed.  If I had been fixed, reality is that I would not be in the relationship I am today.  And I still identify with it because although I am 100% without a doubt that this relationship will last but it would be a waste to get wrapped up in the long term potential.  Bit, I cannot say for how long.  Now that might sound pessimistic - it isn't.  I am fully aware that Darcy and I control this relationship and it's survival depends on how we serve it (and Darcy always maintains that dominants serve and that it isn't strictly an s-types 'domain').  But there are always the the unknown - it's not luck nor bad luck - it's life and shit happens.  But those moments in the meantime are fantastic and special.  And we don't plan to waste a micro second of it.
 
the.dark.

_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to kidwithknife)
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