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sticky situations - 12/1/2005 11:37:29 AM   
FelinePersuasion


Posts: 4792
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline 		a friend of mine she says her girlfriend is abusive but she loves her and she can't live with out her all the typical co dependant things, but her gf hits her shook her has grabbed her face before and has lied and cheated and bad stuff, said girl her mom says leave but she says well the gf's being real nice she hasn't hit her in a while and she's stoped lying she hasn't lied ion weeks but she wants to die kill her please She can't leave her she won't she loves her gf ect ect and her mom don't understand.


And she says she's crying her eyes out her lungs hurt she's sobbing at top capacity her hearts breaking she should die she loves her gf but she's not sure she will be safe there.

She said how her gf hurts her but is so wonderfulkl other times and her gf is sorry and she said she loved said girl of this post, and how it's all better now..



Well I told her I am sorry liars just don't stop lieing, They don't. They may hold off on lying for a little bit but they will still be liars, And if she was truely sorry for anything mean she did she'd stop being mean. She's not sorry for what she does, she's only saying she is and giving you those words because she see's your about to go over a deep end and maybe leave her.


I also told her her mom probably is not helping right then in girls state of mind and to tell mom good night I can not do this right now and go to bed cry into the sheets if you need to crying is healthy. And then being it was 5 am and she hadn't responded in like 10 minutes I logged off, yeah shitty of me I know. but I'd told her before the gf thing started I needed to go and my head hurt and my neck hurt.



Anyway on to the question

Was I a bad friend? I mean like she prolly wanted reassurances and someone to cry to and get sympathy from and tell her woes too, but I will not sit there and tell someone a load of shit if it's a load of shit. I won't say yes she's sorry yes she's wonderfull no she won't do it again, No you don't need to cry about it.


The gf;s not sorry it's typical abuser behavoir hurt the significant other say you're sooooooooooooooooooooooo sorry be nice a while but they go right back to the behaviors that are abusive. I won't sit there and tell someone other wise I don't think , no I know, I wasn't what she wanted to hear or prolly very supportive I tried to be, but I just can't feed somene a boat load of bullshit like that. And I am really not that great with emotional turmoil when I am tired, I stayed up an hour extra than I was going to to talk but I don't know she just kept saying she loves gf she will die kill her please, the gf's so wonderfull mom just don't get it moms starting a fight. And so forth.My honest real opnion is she needs pychriatric help. Any one who wants to die and is being abused and is so messed up needs professional help.

**please refrain from posting in font sizes larger than 3**

< Message edited by ModeratorThree -- 12/1/2005 9:47:22 PM >
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RE: sticky situations - 12/1/2005 12:01:37 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: FelinePersuasion
Was I a bad friend? I mean like she prolly wanted reassurances and someone to cry to and get sympathy from and tell her woes too, but I will not sit there and tell someone a load of shit if it's a load of shit. I won't say yes she's sorry yes she's wonderfull no she won't do it again, No you don't need to cry about it.

Is this entire relationship online? OR do you know her as an rt friend as well?

Being honest is not bad or wrong generally. But that sort of honesty in this situation rarely, if ever, actually accomplishes anything positive.

The best way to give advice in the beginning with an rt friend is to ask them questions- are they really happy? Do they see things happy in a year? Is this what they would describe as their relationship for life? How are they planning to work on things to change?

After about 2 rounds of that, you can gently remind them of the talks you've already had. Also at this time, let them know that you care for them but that they have to make the right choice for themselves.

After about 2 rounds of that, you tell them to call if you when she decides to actually make a change in the situation. When she calls for support again, you let her know that you support and reinforce your sincere offer to give her assistance her but she has to decide for herself first and then gently but firmly say goodbye.

Anything else just makes the person block you out and blame you for not being understanding. Even this gentle approach can cause that from some very bad off attention seekers.

And PS, liars can change, but abusers won't without a lot of help and time.

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RE: sticky situations - 12/1/2005 3:34:55 PM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		The truth works for me. Always has so far. All it does is create lifetime friends.
So, were you wrong, I'd say probably not. Sometimes you cannot candy coat things. You have to be honest. If may be your honesty that makes her look at herself and make some positive changes in her life.
Rather than go on as if nothing were wrong and end up dead someday.

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RE: sticky situations - 12/1/2005 3:55:08 PM   
FelinePersuasion


Posts: 4792
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline 		LA Their relationship is real life. My friendship with her however I've known her since 2004 online only.
But I am willing to be a good friend as possible online or real life either way when someone I like needs me:)

all though online has limitations, There's only so much someone can do online.


Liars can change, yes, but if she just lied to the girl a week ago and tomorow the gf says oh she stoped lieing, they didn't stop lying they just have not lied to you again yet.


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RE: sticky situations - 12/1/2005 4:29:55 PM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline 		Hmm, I would have probably acted in the same manner. Being a friend often means being harsh sometimes. It may not be what she wanted or needed to hear, but in the long run, it still needs to be said. At the same time though, you need to reassure her that you ARE there for her to cry on, and unload.

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RE: sticky situations - 12/1/2005 4:43:16 PM   
girl4you2


Posts: 1622
Joined: 8/4/2005
Status: offline 		about the only thing i have to add to the above is to point her in the direction of some free help lines. they have hotlines, warmlines (for those considered not so hot, i guess) that are toll free for anywhere in the country--you can find them through google search for "hotline".

i might also, when she talks about wanting to die, ask her if she has ever thought that through to a concrete plan. in other words, does she have a method, etc. if so, then she's definitely at risk. all in all, referring her to a help line will help not only you but also her, as well as your friendship. they are (hopefully, still) trained to deal with both chronic conditions as well as those more acute, right now kinds.

i wish you both well.

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RE: sticky situations - 12/1/2005 6:56:50 PM   
FelinePersuasion


Posts: 4792
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline 		Thanks I will definatly have to sugest help lines next time if it comes up. her moms just to judgmental to be of any help and mom is who she has been going to.

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RE: sticky situations - 12/1/2005 8:00:42 PM   
Wolf1020


Posts: 447
Joined: 11/7/2005
From: Anderson, SC
Status: offline
quote:

Was I a bad friend

No, being nice is a good try. But sometimes you just have to tell someone the truth and thats it. When someone gets blinded by love they are blinded to some of the way things are. I am all for understanding the difference between punishment and abuse, but abuse is uncalled for.

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RE: sticky situations - 12/1/2005 9:16:45 PM   
BlkTallFullfig


Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline
quote:

My honest real opnion is she needs pychriatric help. Any one who wants to die and is being abused and is so messed up needs professional help.
This is my same exact sentiment. Why didn't you tell her this? She needs to go get help and she needs to go back and live with her mom until she is able to stand alone. Hopefully, one day she will come to understand that abusive behavior is the exact opposite of what one is supposed to get or feel when one is loved. M

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RE: sticky situations - 12/2/2005 1:40:45 AM   
FelinePersuasion


Posts: 4792
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline 		Blk when you're beligerent and upset and upset and you feel yuor mom is being unfair telling soeone mommy was right you have to come home right away and you need professional help is just going to push them further out of moms capacity to help.


I know I sure headed the opsit direction when I was all heart broken an I felt mom didn't understand lol

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RE: sticky situations - 12/2/2005 1:55:13 AM   
brightspot


Posts: 3052
Status: offline 		Felinepersuasion,
I don't think you were a "Bad Friend",
I really think reading this post and your "old Jar of Nozema" post... Girl you need to get interested and involved in something that interests you, outside of other stuff, get out, take risks, explore life, quit sweating the small stuff, challenge the bigger stuff!

*Brightspot

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RE: sticky situations - 12/3/2005 11:30:03 PM   
FelinePersuasion


Posts: 4792
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline 		LOL bright, I do need more real life excitment in my life.

Today I got tipsey at a wine tasting they had 8 samples for four dollars an I don't drink much and certaintly not 8 samples at once so I left the tasting really buzzed n tipsy lol it was a hoot

Not that I advicate getting drunk or nothing I don't. But my limited experince in those things made feeling a bit topply standing still funny

< Message edited by FelinePersuasion -- 12/3/2005 11:31:36 PM >

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