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RE: Please help me understand why... - 9/29/2008 3:19:28 PM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline 		I can't answer that without a context. You always make things hard for others, the one-liner way?

(in reply to ShySubbie2ServeU)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Please help me understand why... - 9/30/2008 7:33:54 AM   
krikket


Posts: 1183
Joined: 11/17/2004
From: Washington, DC Metro Area
Status: offline 		If it was done on purpose i can't think of anything that would shut me down quicker, raise my distrust flags higher or end a relationsip sooner.  When i share my inner most self with my dom i trust him not to use that against me anymore than i would turn his sharings and words against him.

krikket

quote:

ORIGINAL: ShySubbie2ServeU

Many things I can figure out, but please help me understand how verbally hurting a sub makes a D/s relationship better.
thank you


_____________________________

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom."

by A. Nin



When your heart speaks take good notes.





(in reply to ShySubbie2ServeU)
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RE: Please help me understand why... - 9/30/2008 7:37:15 AM   
SteelofUtah


Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline 		If it is what two people do and it works for them, My question is How is it Not?

Humilliation is a common factor in D/s dynamics some people get off on in.

I don't neither does andi. But I can see how some people would.

If it is happeneing to you and you don't like it perhaps you should let the person doing it know how you are feeling about it.


Steel

_____________________________

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Resident Therapeutic Metallurgist
The Steel Warm-Up © ™
For the Uber Posters
Thanks for the Grammatical support : ) ~ Term

(in reply to krikket)
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RE: Please help me understand why... - 9/30/2008 9:25:55 AM   
tweedydaddy


Posts: 673
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline 		THEY VERBALLY HURT YOU? EARACHE? HOW LOUD WERE THEY?

(in reply to ShySubbie2ServeU)
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RE: Please help me understand why... - 9/30/2008 12:30:53 PM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ShySubbie2ServeU

Many things I can figure out, but please help me understand how verbally hurting a sub makes a D/s relationship better.
thank you
Assuming that this is directed beyond using derogatory language in a scene.

If "verbally hurting" employs the use of a mirror, reflecting back verbally the picture the sub is portraying - you're helping by putting reality into the 'fantasy'. That helps the relationship by bringing integrity into it.

Ultimately the 'sub' may not like what he/she sees but even if the relationship fails as a result of this verbal assault, that result should be preferred to continuing under a delusional image. Worse case - going forward both will have the same perspective, understanding each other better. That can't hurt, or at least shouldn't hurt if its done honestly and without malice.

(in reply to ShySubbie2ServeU)
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RE: Please help me understand why... - 9/30/2008 3:24:24 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ShySubbie2ServeU

 Thank you all for your responses and help. I've re-read all your posts gleaning help from all of you. The question came about because of my conversation last night and how i felt afterwords. 
I am so new to all this but I am learning that terms like slut at certain times aren't neccassarily meant as a bad thing. So they don't hurt as much as they used to. I understand there can be a time and place for those.
So yes, as suggested talking to him is the best approach (and the Hardest thing for me to do btw lol)
I guess I was wanting to find out if this was behaviour I should accept because it's how things work or if it was just a human thing.
Thank you all again. You've all helped me not feel as worthless as I felt this morning when I posted.
Best to you all and have a great evening.


"Hurting" your partner is NEVER a good thing and NEVER productive to a relationship.  A D/s dynamic does not change the fundamentals of a relationship.  I would make a guess and say that humiliation, moreso than most things in D/s, has the potential to go vastly awry.  It's not something I touch with my wife... it would most defintely be very very bad for her.  But... the word "slut".  As you suggested, words carry meanings and it's important if you're going to get offended to make sure that you are beign offended properly.  When someone calls you "slut", what did they mean?

(a) You're a loose woman of low morals
(b) You're a highly sexual creature that is highly attractive

Many words are used in the BDSM sphere that have other and much darker meanings elsewhere.  I call my wife my "kinky little slut" and I mean nothing but good things by it.  And if you want to consider darker meanings... I also call her my slave.

Above all else, you should NEVER accept any behavior because it is "how things work".  Implied in that is [in other people's relationships].  The real question is what works in YOUR relationship and you are 50% of the vote count on that one.  If it ain't working for you, the it aint and there is nobody, not even your dominant, who can change that.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to ShySubbie2ServeU)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Please help me understand why... - 9/30/2008 4:15:20 PM   
VivaciousSub


Posts: 446
Joined: 9/7/2008
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

"Hurting" your partner is NEVER a good thing and NEVER productive to a relationship. A D/s dynamic does not change the fundamentals of a relationship.


Leader's right. Hurtful behavior is never welcome in a healthy relationship. It is, however, up to the parties involved to define "hurtful". I enjoy sexual humiliation and degradation and don't find that upsetting.

It is amazing to me how many people come into BDSM relationships and forget everything they knew about healthy relationship behavior. Going off these type of posts that have been cropping up more frequently, one could be forgiven for wondering if people think that BDSM and a relationship full of trust, respect and love are mutually exclusive.


<edited for verb tense agreement cause I was getting twitchy reading that>


< Message edited by VivaciousSub -- 9/30/2008 4:30:18 PM >

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9.8m/s^2 + VivaciousSub + ground = ouchx10^9th

To yield readily--easily--to the persuasion of a friend is no merit.... To yield without conviction is no compliment to the understanding of either. ~ Pride and Prejudice

(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Please help me understand why... - 9/30/2008 4:21:05 PM   
VampiresLair


Posts: 1307
Joined: 9/3/2008
Status: offline 		Mental sadism is a real and enjoyable kink with someone else who is into it. Never assume though that your partner knows how the things they say affect you if you have not made it clear.
Dominants do not read minds any better than submissives do. If something he is saying is bothering you, just bring it up to him. See how he means it and whether or not it is something he is willing to back off of until you find your comfort zone. The things I used to say to Angel would never fly with Fox, no two people react the same. Your dominant might not realize what he says has a negative effect, and I doubt that would be what he was going for. 

DV

_____________________________

Separately we are DiurnalVampire and DVsFox

10/18 Wedding date. 1 year and still blissfully happy

10/13/10 3 year anniversary of his becoming my Fox

Talk impolitely to me, baby - Thanks sunshinemiss



(in reply to tweedydaddy)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Please help me understand why... - 10/2/2008 2:43:58 AM   
CelticPrince


Posts: 3613
Joined: 4/15/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ShySubbie2ServeU

Many things I can figure out, but please help me understand how verbally hurting a sub makes a D/s relationship better.
thank you


SS, In brief, I doesn't.

CP

(in reply to ShySubbie2ServeU)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Please help me understand why... - 10/9/2008 11:23:00 AM   
Jeptha


Posts: 780
Joined: 9/18/2008
From: Portland, Oregon
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ShySubbie2ServeU

Thank you all for your responses and help. I've re-read all your posts gleaning help from all of you. The question came about because of my conversation last night and how i felt afterwords.
I am so new to all this but I am learning that terms like slut at certain times aren't neccassarily meant as a bad thing. So they don't hurt as much as they used to. I understand there can be a time and place for those.


Ok ~ I'm going to just free-associate this, so pardon me if it goes astray...

I am into a certain amount of objectification, and I do want to consider my submissive "my slut". This doesn't mean that she isn't many other things as well. It does not mean that I don't value those other parts of her personality. But what I want to own is the part of her that is a slut, that is; my slut. She may also be my Research Assistant, my friend, my hiking parner, etc, but those are not facets of herself that are exclusive to me. They are not things that I can "take ownership" of, properly speaking.

Again; I like objectification, in its place. I might refer to her as "my cunt" for example. The objectification doesn't mean that I do not cherish her.

It makes me feel that she's a little bit more "mine", somehow, but I still recognize and respect her independence and free will, in a larger, "big picture" way.

These things might seem like they would conflict, but they don't have to, believe it or not.

This is how I explain it, but it is a little bit just "off the cuff" here.
Your partner might have a different understanding of it.

(in reply to ShySubbie2ServeU)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Please help me understand why... - 10/9/2008 11:27:59 AM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ShySubbie2ServeU

Many things I can figure out, but please help me understand how verbally hurting a sub makes a D/s relationship better.
thank you

It doesn't.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.


(in reply to ShySubbie2ServeU)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Please help me understand why... - 10/9/2008 12:11:55 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Jeptha
Again; I like objectification, in its place. I might refer to her as "my cunt" for example. The objectification doesn't mean that I do not cherish her.


Excellent clarification. To ShySubbie2Serveu: You have to remember that when you peer into someone else's relationship all you see is the very most surface things. So you might, for instance, see me using words that sound hurtful to my wife. Words that in some contexts might be degrading. What you cannot see, however, is OUR context. My wife knows, deep down in the core of her soul, that she is the most important thing in the world to me. She knows this the way she knows that the sun will come up tomorrow morning. She is not guessing about it. It is simply a fact. I cannot truly "objectify" her. She knows that I see her as more than a sex object no matter what I might say.

To truly harm your partner is a BAD(tm) thing. But what looks harmful to an outsider, unaware of all the intricate layers underlying the surface, may not actually be harmful to the people involved.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to Jeptha)
Profile   Post #: 32
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