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How do you deal with...... - 9/29/2008 2:31:56 AM

MostlyDom1

Posts: 1
Joined: 5/26/2008
Status: offline

I am new to the scene. As my name states, I am mostly a Dom. I will sub only in the right situation.

I have been in talks with a sub, who is also talking with other Doms. We have played a few times, and we even have gotten to the point of me giving a pet name to her. Now to the point of my question, I want to know how other Dom's deal with the fact that you know the sub is doing this? For me it is very nerve wracking knowing what she is saying to me, and yet she has to explore other area's.

Post #: 1

RE: How do you deal with...... - 9/29/2008 2:47:55 AM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

How would you handle this is this were a girl you were dating? These skills don't disappear simply because it's a new kind of relationship.

Master Fire

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(in reply to MostlyDom1)

Post #: 2

RE: How do you deal with...... - 9/29/2008 2:56:26 AM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

For starters, welcome to the discussion boards...

I'm having some difficulty working out what it is the sub is doing that's so "nerve wracking" for you - unless you mean she's talking with others?

If so, I deal with it from a "big picture" perspective. Being "mostly a Dom" is a bit like saying you're "mostly" hetero.... I know what I am and that's how I call it, so there's no confusion. You sound like you're a switch and you need to figure that out.

And I'm also monogamous - that means if a sub wants to "window shop" other Doms while seeing me, I'll wish her well as we part company. Subs generally do quite well when they're given structure and boundaries to work within. When you're a Dom who's not sure of yourself, they have every right to feel a little lost and unimpressed with your control attributes.

A pet name ain't any wedding ring! I think she'd like you to *lead*; to demonstrate leadership - any fool can bark a command or two. But she's no chance until you get your own "house" in order.

Focus.

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(in reply to MostlyDom1)

Post #: 3

RE: How do you deal with...... - 9/29/2008 4:11:07 AM

Dnomyar

Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
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Well put Focus.

(in reply to Focus50)

Post #: 4

RE: How do you deal with...... - 9/29/2008 4:27:44 AM

OhioMasterMd

Posts: 1
Joined: 10/18/2005
Status: offline

Focus50, It sounds as if they have discussed this situation. It also sounds as if he knows where he wants to lead the relationship. He just want to know how to deal with the fact that she is still trying to decide who she wants. I can feel for him. Everyone most likely has been in this situation before, and is just wanting to know how to deal with it.

The fact that he is mostly Dom doesnt mean that makes him anyless of one. We have know idea of the dynamics of the relationship they have started, because he didnt say. Maybe you need to step back and just help answer his question. Dont run him down for the way he looks at life. IF you will look a his profile, he says that he will not submit in the bedroom.

Your also right, a pet name isnt a wedding ring, but to others it might signify a big step in a relationship.

(in reply to Focus50)

Post #: 5

RE: How do you deal with...... - 9/29/2008 4:44:29 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

If you are ready for a committed relationship, then you need to tell her that and ask how she feels. If she says she isn't ready for that, then you need to decide what to do.

Myself I think part of being compatible is being ready to move to the next step at the same time. It also doesn't sound as though you have discussed monogamy or poly or open relationship. She isn't a mindreader, she can't know what you want if you don't tell her.

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(in reply to OhioMasterMd)

Post #: 6

RE: How do you deal with...... - 9/30/2008 11:24:56 AM

Jeptha

Posts: 780
Joined: 9/18/2008
From: Portland, Oregon
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MostlyDom1

I am new to the scene. As my name states, I am mostly a Dom. I will sub only in the right situation.

I have been in talks with a sub, who is also talking with other Doms. We have played a few times, and we even have gotten to the point of me giving a pet name to her. Now to the point of my question, I want to know how other Dom's deal with the fact that you know the sub is doing this? For me it is very nerve wracking knowing what she is saying to me, and yet she has to explore other area's.

It depends on what you both are ultimately looking for. Is it play only? Kinky sex? A relationship with (fill in blank) features?

My reaction would be to try to remain emotionally detached from the situation, since there's no sense of commitment being given.
I would do this because I feel if we've been together a few times, and she still feels a need to explore eslewhere, then the chemistry between us probably hasn't been strong enough to warrant me getting too carried away about it.

My boundaries around this really depend on a lot of factors. While I might prefer monogamy, especially at the outset, I try to keep an open mind about how people can construct relationships.

If she's right up front with you about talking with others, that might be a good sign. I appreciate that kind of honesty. It's really the "fear of the unknown" that bothers me the most (well - that, and the possibility of STDs, if she's having sex...though that might also fit under the heading of "fear of the unknown"...)

I'd have to ask myself bunches of questions like, Is this woman worth going somewhere that's uncomfortable to me?; Do I trust her to be completely honest with me?; Is she willing and able to understand and address the kinds of concerns I have? etc.

(in reply to MostlyDom1)

Post #: 7

RE: How do you deal with...... - 9/30/2008 5:30:50 PM

sistermargaret

Posts: 101
Joined: 8/8/2008
Status: offline

It took 5 month for me to fulfill all my social/play commitments as a Switch/Top before i was really able to commit (beg & plead ;) to Master as a submissive. I explained to Him that i'd made many of these plans before W/we'd met and it wasn't fair to those who desired my skills as a Top to just dump everything for Him, much as i knew i wanted to. i'd worked a very long time to establish friendships & occasional playmates within the various Groups and i wasn't ready to leave all of that either. He knew as well as i that if there was quality chemistry between U/us, my obligations would only be a speedbump at best.
The info You give isn't sufficient to know if this submissive is in a similar position, but You might want to know. i believe that it is Your job to find out who, what, where, when, why and how and the only way to do that is to ask, then lead.
sm

All it takes is absolute surrender

(in reply to Jeptha)

Post #: 8

RE: How do you deal with...... - 9/30/2008 5:42:01 PM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14442
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

Personal view: If you haven't made a commitment you have no control and no say over anything but the time you share together...unless you've negotiated otherwise.

Monogamy is a commitment in my book. If you want to receive it, you need to give it...and you both need to discuss it and agree to it.

And lastly.....just because she's dating other guys, doesn't mean that she's having sex with other guys. Without knowing that you cannot assume that she isn't monogamous.

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(in reply to sistermargaret)

Post #: 9

RE: How do you deal with...... - 9/30/2008 5:50:26 PM

NihilusZero

Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

If it's "nerve wracking", then, it seems to me, your are not understanding the balance between what you want from the situation and what you have.

Express to her what you want and why you want it and she will either abide or not. From there, you make either a decision to leave because you're not getting what you need out of it or you make the choice to compromise and/or adjust your expectations based on what she's capable of giving.

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(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 10

RE: How do you deal with...... - 9/30/2008 8:28:25 PM

antipode

Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline

I don't know that anybody ever deals with jealousy (I think that is what you are trying to say). It's kind of baked in people. Let her know, decide what she wants to do with it. You mention she is talking to other doms, but that can mean a lot of things, and you're not clear what exactly she is talking about, if there is anything beyond the talking, etc.

But first and foremost, jealousy ruins relationships. Completely.

(in reply to MostlyDom1)

Post #: 11

RE: How do you deal with...... - 9/30/2008 8:31:49 PM

SailingBum

Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
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To the OP have you ever dated 2 girls at once?

BadOne

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Post #: 12

RE: How do you deal with...... - 9/30/2008 10:18:02 PM

scottishdove

Posts: 113
Joined: 7/27/2008
Status: offline

i hate dating, never been good at it. but i have relucantly realized that i have to 'date' and experience other Dom's and thier various personalities and styles if i am going to be able to know who is right for me, long term.

this is despite having a mentor that i love very strongly, and would consider being long term with, if things could work out. i just realized at some point, i just didn't know enough about myself yet to be able to make a long term committment.

this is not a course i would choose.. i would love to be able to find a monogamous relationship and settle down, but i have had to acknowledge this need of mine to explore in preparation for becoming a monogamous slave to the right Master.

i think it is very poor for a Dom to seek to pressure a submissive on this kind of issue. it is a personal growth and life path issue.

as a submissive or slave, we give up so much control to our owners, that it has to be done in stages and when we are ready.

(in reply to SailingBum)

Post #: 13

RE: How do you deal with...... - 10/1/2008 10:20:49 PM

Huntertn

Posts: 715
Joined: 10/7/2006
Status: offline

Really..hmm..what say you???? Do they always know when they are ready? And if that's not quite fair..Do I always have to be fair..? And maybe lose the sub to another?
Bully-Hocky I do.

(in reply to scottishdove)

Post #: 14

RE: How do you deal with...... - 10/2/2008 2:35:22 AM

lilpetuk

Posts: 37
Joined: 9/10/2008
Status: offline

greetings to one and all...

we all have our own opinions on any subject, so not in answer to the op or belittling anyone's choicesor opinions..in my own mind, we constantly learn ,that's life, personally i would prefer to learn and grow within the bounds of a monogamous relationship. Don't we all as either Dominant or submissive learn new and amazing things all the time, i would prefer to do that with one Man/Dom. Exploration is a constant between Dom/sub.

"Life's a journey, not a destination"

hugssssssssssss from lilpet

(in reply to scottishdove)

Post #: 15

RE: How do you deal with...... - 10/2/2008 4:05:48 AM

Dnomyar

Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline

We all end up at the same destination.

(in reply to lilpetuk)

Post #: 16

RE: How do you deal with...... - 10/2/2008 4:47:13 PM

StrictnSaucy

Posts: 363
Joined: 1/6/2005
Status: offline

If she is new also, she should experiment. How is she going to know what she needs if she doesnt do some research. The same applies to you. How do you know what you really need if you dont experiment. ...... Rushing head on into something new is silly.

(in reply to Dnomyar)

Post #: 17

RE: How do you deal with...... - 10/2/2008 5:21:51 PM

tweedydaddy

Posts: 673
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline

If she wants to talk to anyone else, that's up to her. If She's playing with you, then your doing all right out of it aren't you? You can't expect a commitment right away!

(in reply to MostlyDom1)

Post #: 18

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