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What to do when the primary couple breaks up. - 10/3/2008 6:55:33 PM   

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My Primary Couple (a Dominant Woman and a Switch Male) have seemingly broken up. I was mainly the Switch's pet; we were more of a "V" formation than anything, although the Domme and I were friends.

Now, they have broken up. I am still with Master, and we are trying to continue our relationship. There are a few problems, however:

1) I find myself filled with emotions toward the Domme that I had never experienced before (such as hate, jealousy, extreme anger) both because she did not (and does not) treat me well, and because I feel she is treating Master badly.

2) Master is left without a Dominant, and this is a very important part of his life. He is a Switch, through and through, and I want him to have that. But the question remains, how would that work? Because:

3) I, who have always been the secondary partner, and never had a problem with it, now can't imagine going back to being the secondary. Now that I have acted as the primary, and been the primary with Master, I don't think I could go back to being secondary.

I guess the problem, after my rambling, is that I need advice on how to get away from my feelings of anger, hatred and jealousy; I also am experiencing guilt because I am continuing my relationship with Master, when their relationship has ended. Should I have behaved differently?

I'm sorry that my first post is my whining about my situation. I have been perusing the forums trying to find advice on how to behave, but I haven't found any related topics.

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RE: What to do when the primary couple breaks up. - 10/3/2008 11:06:57 PM   

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Time will be your best ally here.  It is unfortunate that things turned out this way, but it's really not that uncommon and always a possible consequence.  Heck it happens in monogamous relationships all the time "Guy meets girl, girl meets new guy, girl ends with old guy and starts with new guy"  Poly just has things happen simultaneously.

While I can understand your partner having a dominant is important for him, obviously now isn't the right time for it.  Things need to get a lot more stable and well situated before you decide to bring yet another person into this party.  He's a big boy, I'm sure he'll be fine.

As for the primary/secondary thing, as long as you make sure you find a good compatible mix, it won't be really as hard as you think it will.  Unless you really are too jealous and insecure to even walk "down that road" and that might mean you aren't open enough for any poly at all.  Again, some good soul searching and time will answer that for you.


Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to polygirlSA)
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RE: What to do when the primary couple breaks up. - 10/4/2008 6:31:38 AM   

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I have to agree with LA that time will be your ally. Several years back I too was in a similar situation. My wife and I had brought in another to our life. Granted the situations were a bit different, it was to be more a triad than a V and both of them were submissive and I was the dominant. It might have worked except in hindsight the marriage was not ready for that and I should not have allowed it to occur, but that is the past and can not be changed. My wife had a bad anger problem and I had struggled to deal with it and make the marriage work, ultimately I finally gathered the strength and I ended it.

It ended very ugly. She was arrested then it seemed half the community that I thought were friends turned against me. I was still with "the other woman" because she remained to help me through it after seeing what I was put through. She didn't want to see it end that way and the first time I threatened to leave my wife after an argument that landed me in the ER she was the one that convinced me to give her another chance (this was the 2nd time I threatened to divorce her and 2nd time I listened to someone else to give her a chance). She did not do the same thing the last time I threatened and instead was the one that called 911.

While the bitter break-up was going on we remained silent, but my soon ex-wife was doing anything but and telling her side of things that painted her as a husband stealer and me the abusive one. Many took her side and shunned us, a few came to us to ask what happened and still some just washed their hands and grew tired of hearing about it.

I guess the point of all that is it's not always easy, but I firmly believe anything worth it never is. We are now married and about to celebrate our 3rd anniversary in little over a month. We've left that community and moved cross-country, not because of what happened but because we wanted to buy a house and settle down which is what we've done. We're not beginning to establish ourselves within this new community but still have many friends back there and look forward to reuniting with them soon. Even our dynamic has change over the years as she is a switch and her dominant side has come out more so we are moving forward more as a dominant couple rather than a D/s couple and with the stability of our relationship it has worked out fine. It wasn't always an easy road to get to where we are today but if you heed the mantra of "communication, communication, communication" you can work through almost anything.

I wish you the best of luck as you navigate your way through this.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: What to do when the primary couple breaks up. - 10/4/2008 7:54:27 AM   

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I can't tell you how to handle your anger, though I can suggest that you find someone to share it with and, perhaps, break things down into small piece that you can do something about...

As for the issue of finding a D-type to handle the dominating of your switch companion, I know you've said that you can't manage being the "second" again -- but perhaps you might consider something more... organic. Not all poly D/s relationships are strictly hierarchical, and even those that -are- can occasionally morph into something more communal. Perhaps a dynamic where leadership flows from the D, but where the family is egalitarian and communal would be something to strive for, so that everyone's needs can be met. I would -really- suggest reading some of the writings offered by Jewel, Scooter and Twice... their household flows... and I think that might be something that would work in your situation, and still allow everyone to have their needs met.

Calla Firestorm


Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

(in reply to polygirlSA)
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RE: What to do when the primary couple breaks up. - 10/4/2008 8:24:04 AM   

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Thanks to all of those that have responded. I guess that I'll just need to give it time; that is difficult, however, as the current uncertainty of the situation is really stressing me out. I will do my best, though.

Again, thanks for the replies.

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)
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RE: What to do when the primary couple breaks up. - 10/8/2008 8:28:27 AM   

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In My situation, I was Domme with a hubby who was a fetishist trying to be sub. Before I took him on in this role, he had agreed to the presence of a Master for Me should I find one. Eventually I did find One and after nearly a year and some visits, discussions were raised about Master coming to live with Us. Hubby said "yes, do it now" as it suited him (he wanted to disappear overseas to race his motorbike and knowing I was safe with Master on the property eased his guilt at leaving Me alone yet again ... this was a regular thing) ... so Master moved across country. There was a blissful 4 months as Master and i settled into 24/7. Then hubby came home ... and it slowly went downhill from there. We tried talking, We damn near talked Our heads off and also tried to listen to him, but talking to one with closed ears doesn't help. Looking back, I truly believe he thought I was the bitch from hell to live with and also that my sub side would never last as Master's slave ... he fully expected Master and I to have exploded before he ever got home to deal with it. he was shocked to find that it hadn't, that Master and i were very happy and that i was very happily Master's slave while still capable of being his Domme! he spent the next 2 years being the bitch from hell while trying to undermine Us, to send Us nuts, with the manipulations and interference and downright bitchiness escalating. Even once he was released, and he and I had agreed the marriage was over but couldn't we platonically share the 5 acres and huge house and shed? ... he was still busily undermining whatever he could, even trying to turn friends of 30 years standing against Me (it didn't work!). Eventually the only sane course of action was to lose the house and take off across country and go far far away! Which is what Master and I have done!

So I resonate with the OP ... it is hard on everyone when one relationship in a poly breaks up and when there is a lot of malice and undermining flowing from one person. Moving, if at all possible, may help make the fresh start fresher.  As far as your Master's need for a Domme goes ... it would make sense for you to search as a couple, if She is to be a live-in. I also think you and He need to do a lot of preliminary talking about how you both think it would work best ... would She only Domme him or would She be Domme over both of you equally? What would be the expected relationship between you and She? While there would need to be some flexibility to work with whomever you find, it helps to have some clear expectations for the search process.

In one sense your Master would be the equivalent to Me ... the one in the middle. I find it easy to flow from my sub side to My Domme side ... does He? And does He necessarily believe that the one he submits to HAS to be primary over the one He dominates? Is there a need to be primary/secondary at all? Or does he simply have 2 primaries, one on each side of the slash? Lots to talk about here ... I wish you both all the best!

Maam Jay aka violet[A]


Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to polygirlSA)
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RE: What to do when the primary couple breaks up. - 10/30/2008 10:43:03 PM   

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I am sorry to hear of the negative aspects of your situation but it sounds as if there are somepositives too and I do not want to overlook them in favor of only the negative. 
There are many poly- situations where there are multiple primaries, so finding a D-type for your Master needn't relegate you to secondary status. 
Emotions are just that.  They're things in your head.  Process them, sit with them, and if they require action, figure out the action that needs to occur: ie: talking about them with someone, having a go at a punching bag, etc.  I don't know what your coping skills are but hopefully you do.  Use them.  Also, you and your Master could process together potentially. 
You mentioned questioning whether you should have behaved differently.  How so? 
Relationships aren't always easy, poly- isn't always easy.  Hang in there.  You reached out and asked for help. 
Best wishes, 

(in reply to MaamJay)
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RE: What to do when the primary couple breaks up. - 10/31/2008 9:18:29 AM   

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ORIGINAL: polygirlSA

I'm sorry that my first post is my whining about my situation. I have been perusing the forums trying to find advice on how to behave, but I haven't found any related topics.

You are in an extremely difficult situation... and the best thing to do is be the best person you can be!  Focus on YOUR priorities... and maybe that means you have to figure out what is your priorities are.  But... don't let none priorities suck up your energy. 


Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to polygirlSA)
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