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amaidiamond -> Changing the way you view someone... (10/16/2008 6:06:40 AM)
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Hi there everyone.
Basically I have a question in relation to changing the way someone is viewed once a dynamic has already been set in place, changing the dynamic as it were.
I have been a lifestyle submissive with switch tendencies all my adult life and have not really had what could be called a vanilla relationship. I always thought there was no way i could do vanilla and it wouldnt work - if for no other reason than the fact that I need control and also that I am highly masochistic to the point where it is "need" rather than "want".
I met a man that thought the world of me, was kind, loving, fair, honest, dedicated and shared the same goals, needs and life plan that i did (eventual kids, home, family etc) the only thing that was missing is that he wasnt a "Dom" although i could definatly see something in there he denied it through and through.
I'm not sure why but i decided to give it a shot, Dom or no and i am so glad he did and things have started to change. Initially he was most insistant that all that wasnt for him, he had the pre-concieved notions of Doms and subs, the one where the subs are all poor, subjugated, cowed and beaten woman forced to do things against their will and he didnt have any understanding of how one could be rough/violent with their partner and still love and care for them.
So at the start it was an utter no - I had explained about my masochism and he was happy for me to play non sexually at parties etc just didnt want to do it himself, he would attend events with me, meet my friends but no interest himself. Thing is the more this went on the more it started to change, things started to creep out, admissions as it were. First he told me after a few drinks of some fetishes he had and was so surprised when i didnt turn away in disgust (clothing fetishes) his previous wife had been very very anti it all and used a lot against him eventually and so he had the idea that his wants and desires were somehow dirty or tarnished.
More and more started creeping out, at first just sexual things, like that he DID have theu rge to hurl a woman to her knees and ram himself into her mouth but was ashamed of these desires, so slowly through talking, acceptance, meeting people he started to loose the guilt and more and more came to the surfice.
So now we're at the poiint where he is happy with the fact he's sexually Dominant and he's beginging to accept he has a sadistic streak too especially after watching how i react when playing with people, he's also starting to come around to the fact he does have desires for life control and that his natural Dominance is starting to extend, he realises now that a firm hand can be coupled with love and also that service doesnt mean a woman is subjugated - in a nutshell he now understands that BDSM does not = abuse.
So my question is this - Up until now I have viewed him as my partner and fiance but NOT as my Dom, He's a great guy but we don't have that D/s dynamic as up until now it hasnt been desired on his side. When the relationship started he made it very clear that he wasnt my Master, had no desire to be my Master and never would be. Now the goal posts have changed.
I am interested to hear people oppinions on how i can change my thinking, i don't think I can do an overnight switch from vanilla fiance with a lil kinky sex to Dominant that i defer to however I do want the relationship to move in that direction if that is what he desires which he has so far said he thinks he does and can see it happening.
How do i stop viewing him as i do and start viewing him as a Dominant man who i belong to, how do i undo the dynamic that was very clearly defined at the offset and replace it with something esle. I think that part of the problem is that he was SO very adamant we would never go down that route that my brain slammed the idea away (so i didnt end up wanting something I couldnt have)
Now we are going down that route and I want to make it as easy and smooth as possible and to be able to adjust my thinking.
I will take all suggestions on board, I've never been in this situation before it's always been a very clear D/s or M/s dynamic from the offset, i've never had to look to change how i view someone when the relationship is already established.
dia xx
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