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RE: A delicate question - 10/17/2008 11:49:10 AM

CelticPrince

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miss,

I feep pondering your use of the word "beat" as a encompassing pescription, was it so or other forms?

CP

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RE: A delicate question - 10/17/2008 12:00:05 PM

missturbation

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I have to go pull pints now but ill answer as soon as i get back.

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RE: A delicate question - 10/17/2008 12:02:22 PM

Ialdabaoth

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quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

For those that do feel the way i have described, i have to wonder to what extent did they get their needs met in an abusive relationship?

The power dynamic in an abusive relationship seems far more viscerally real than a BDSM relationship. 'Play' always feels like just that - play. There's this vibe of "oh, isn't this hot, tee-hee." to it all, no matter how deeply you delve. And when you start getting serious, all the negotiation, all the checking on your partner, all the concern for both parties' well-being makes the whole thing feel a bit... well, clinical. And then there's always the realization that you could walk out at any time if this doesn't stay fun.

There's a pretty scary realization that occurs, when it is finally driven home that you desperately don't want to be here anymore, but you aren't leaving. There's a level of desparation and blind panic and visceral, gut-level rage and loathing that never surfaces in a "healthy" relationship, pretty much by definition.

quote:

Just to reiterate again i am in no way, shape or form advocating abuse of any kind.

At the same time, wouldn't it be kinda neat to live in a world where we could experience and survive and even seek out horrible things, and have mechanisms in place to re-build ourselves and each other afterwards?

< Message edited by Ialdabaoth -- 10/17/2008 12:03:05 PM >

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RE: A delicate question - 10/17/2008 1:16:53 PM

lateralist1

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Ok why didn't my family love me?
Why didn't the men I gave myself to and did everything I could for love me?
I still don't know to this day.
But I have realised that I can live without love.
For the people I have to deal with I teach them how to treat me.
The rest I ignore.
No one controls me.
If I think it's necessary then I control myself.
Why should women be controlled by men?
We are not worthless.
If they don't like us as we are then they can go find someone they do like or remain celibate.
Why should we be trying to please them.
Why shouldn't they be trying to please us?
Sorry if this sounds like a rant but really haven't we had a tough enough time already?
I have listened to male subs telling me what I should do who I should be. That I should get over what men have done to me.
Of course I'm trying to get over it.
Being able to be my natural dominant self has helped.
Take care everyone and enjoy yourselves.

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RE: A delicate question - 10/18/2008 8:24:12 AM

ShyAllison1919

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I'm new to this community so I don't know if the point I'm about to express is verboten. This point occurred to me from my lifelong struggle with gender and it appears analogous.

My point is that it seems, from all I've read here and elsewhere, that the genesis of many people's embrace of BDSM is childhood experience. Not with abuse, per se, but with parental treatment in general. Not all of us are conscious of the psychological effects of that experience (I wasn't, fully) and perhaps there are some people who arrive at deviance in adulthood untainted by how they were formed in childhood, but I doubt that.

So, as at least one poster bravely examined his life, to answer the original poster's questions seems to me to require review of one's childhood. "Abuse," to a child, can be almost anything that's saddening; our reaction to that, as children, is what really matters. How we develop our reactions to bad treatment, I believe, will greatly affect our personalities, including whether we become attracted or repelled to abusive romantic relationships later on.

If I'm mistaken, please tell me.

To conclude, to answer the original post's questions, I think we need to dig deeper than our prior adult relationships to learn why we react to abuse the way we do.

< Message edited by ShyAllison1919 -- 10/18/2008 8:26:55 AM >

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RE: A delicate question - 10/18/2008 8:40:22 AM

Elenaconfined

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I had an abusive childhood and my first relationships reflected that. I even married a man (at 18 he was 40) who kept me thinking I deserved it. As I got older I was lucky enough to find friends who pointed out to me that I didn't and I ended the relationship.

The only link for me between my enjoyment of BDSM and the abuse is giving up control. I was craving people (at first) who supported my self loathing. Now I seek out people who feed my confidence and give me that support of letting go rather then perpetuate my need to prove Im worthless.

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