Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships Page: <<   < prev  1 2 [3] 4 5   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships - 10/18/2008 11:42:14 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		I read this book many years ago. Of course, it really only helps relationships if your partner(s) read it, too. Mine didn't. It was kinda sad.

I've definitely learned that how I SAY I love you and how I want it said to me are different. I've also noticed that it's different for different relationships...and it changes over time.

This book and the discussion about love languages is actually a part of my household manual.

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to KnightofMists)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships - 10/18/2008 11:44:08 PM   
Cuffkinks


Posts: 1780
Joined: 5/5/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BossyShoeBitch

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

Part of the importance of understanding this stuff is that we then can learn to "hear" our partners loving us.  BSB is very much a guy and LOVES fixing things for me and does it fairly often.  On some level this really didn't do much for me but I am working on "hearing" that work as her saying "I love you" but it takes work on both sides to meet in the middle. 


Perhaps that sentence could have read:

"BSB is just like a guy.."?

********************************
My results are:

30%     Words of Affirmation
7%       quality time
13%      receiving gifts
23%      Acts of service
27%      physical touch





"Those" don't look like guys to me! I'm just sayin'...

_____________________________

Resident "11"

"I love you, Sir. You make my heart sing and my panties wet. What more could a girl ask for?" - hejira92

"And that's why it's good to be...Me." - Gene $immons

(in reply to BossyShoeBitch)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships - 10/19/2008 12:32:44 AM   
JustDarkness


Posts: 1461
Joined: 7/25/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

quote:

ORIGINAL: hejira92
I will never forget a trip to the Keys Master and I took early on. We were watching a street performer and Master moved behind me and put His arms around me and held me so I could lean on Him. The casual, loving touch was too much for me and I began to cry for the beauty of the gesture. I can never express to Him what it means to me to be loved by a man who speaks my love language.


That passage makes my heart ache.


What makes my heart break..is that something normal to me...seems hardly to happen to many.
Is a hug..or holding really getting rare?


ps.. Why do wel all do the test? And what does it say..besides giving a score?
(besides that tests are fun :P )

< Message edited by JustDarkness -- 10/19/2008 12:34:12 AM >

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships - 10/19/2008 12:57:01 AM   
moonvine


Posts: 780
Joined: 11/7/2004
Status: offline
fast reply

I scored 33% physical touch
27% acts of service
17% quality time
13% words of affirmation
10% receiving gifts

I'm surprised words of affirmation were so high - my theory when it comes to people - not just in a BDSM setting, but anyone  - is "Don't pay attention to anything they say, but pay attention to everything they do."

(in reply to yourMissTress)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships - 10/19/2008 1:00:12 AM   
moonvine


Posts: 780
Joined: 11/7/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JustDarkness



ps.. Why do wel all do the test?


We're all bored?  I have little else to do at 3 am.  All my 4 legged masters and mistresses have gotten their meds and fed and stuff....there is no football on at this hour...so I took a test:p

(in reply to JustDarkness)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships - 10/19/2008 1:15:40 AM   
JustDarkness


Posts: 1461
Joined: 7/25/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: moonvine

quote:

ORIGINAL: JustDarkness



ps.. Why do wel all do the test?


We're all bored?  I have little else to do at 3 am.  All my 4 legged masters and mistresses have gotten their meds and fed and stuff....there is no football on at this hour...so I took a test:p



lol  good reason :P
10 am here...forgot about the time differences.

< Message edited by JustDarkness -- 10/19/2008 1:16:04 AM >

(in reply to moonvine)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships - 10/19/2008 5:03:05 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		Darcy
Quality Time 33%
Physical Touch 33%
Acts of Service 17%
Words of Affirmation 13%
Receiving Gifts 3%

the.dark.
Quality Time 37%
Physical Touch 30%
Acts of Service 17%
Words of Affirmation 13%
Receiving Gifts 3%

_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to KnightofMists)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships - 10/19/2008 6:18:40 AM   
Icarys


Posts: 5757
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

Darcy
Quality Time 33%
Physical Touch 33%
Acts of Service 17%
Words of Affirmation 13%
Receiving Gifts 3%

the.dark.
Quality Time 37%
Physical Touch 30%
Acts of Service 17%
Words of Affirmation 13%
Receiving Gifts 3%


Well aren't you two just perfect for each other.


_____________________________

submission - the feeling of patient, submissive humbleness - the state of being submissive or compliant; meekness.

Alaska Bound-The Official Countdown Has Started!
http://tinyurl.com/872mcu3
http://alturl.com/mog7m

(in reply to RCdc)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships - 10/19/2008 6:29:43 AM   
Padriag


Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

I've definitely learned that how I SAY I love you and how I want it said to me are different.

I've been musing over that with myself.  Receiving gifts doesn't much matter to me... but I tend to be a gift giver.  I enjoy giving gifts at xmas and tend to put more thought into it than most of my relatives.  Likewise, hearing words of affirmation doesn't much matter to me, but I tend to say them to others.  While I like acts of service from others, I tend not to do them for others.  Touching seems to be the only common denominator between how I receive and show affection.  I think it would be very useful for anyone to consider not just how they receive affection, but how they show it as well, even those of us not in relationships. 

_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships - 10/19/2008 7:19:03 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		Words of Affirmation   17  
Quality Time   27 
Receiving Gifts    10
Acts of Service    10
Physical Touch   37

(in reply to Padriag)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships - 10/19/2008 7:23:40 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BossyShoeBitch

Perhaps that sentence could have read:

"BSB is just like a guy.."?


Sorry, didn't mean to out you in public like that...having seen under that dress, I can vouch for you being all woman.  But you do have more power tools and watch more porn than most men! 

(in reply to BossyShoeBitch)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships - 10/19/2008 7:41:01 AM   
pridedenied


Posts: 83
Joined: 9/28/2008
Status: offline 		Test Results:
Percent Language Score 30% Words of Affirmation   1011   27% Quality Time   1617   7% Receiving Gifts   2223   13% Acts of Service   2829   23% Physical Touch   3435  
I guess it's really important for we that we talk and I feel like I matter by what she says. Time together is a close second as it's hard to know eachother at all if we're never together. Touch is also very important to me in a relationship. It distinguishes me from friends and aquaintances. Makes me feel special. Also it usually gives me a lovely tingly feeling. :)


_____________________________

Everything I did in live that was worthwhile...
I caught hell for.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships - 10/19/2008 8:16:29 AM   
JustDarkness


Posts: 1461
Joined: 7/25/2008
Status: offline 		Doing a test is not communicating our love...is it?
And as the test is focussed on the subject..it will comes always with a result....
(sorry for ruining the fun :P )

(in reply to pridedenied)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships - 10/19/2008 8:32:23 AM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline 		I struggled with that, most of the questions seemed to ask how you felt about gifts far more than i would assume most people find gifts important, and often i didnt agree with either of the options. Mind you I dont think you can really do a test like that to establish what type of person you are because it assumes to be one thing you can have the other, it assumes that you fit into a box and that everyone can.

With that test specifically it was, you make me happy when you do this or when you do that, there was no room for i am happy when i can do this for you

< Message edited by colouredin -- 10/19/2008 8:37:12 AM >

_____________________________

Resident Lime(y) Tart
There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships - 10/19/2008 8:49:49 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		.nodnodnod.
Sickening isn't it?  I was really surprised that we equalled in three of the points though. And when we had a discussion about it after, it turned out the question I was very 50-50 on and just could not decide the way to go was the one that determined the 33/33 - 37/30 (holding hands vs going places).
 
It was in interesting poll - I don't know if I would go for a book on the subject though, unless Darcy instructed but he is of the same thought.  These kinds of things and relationship books are good 'fun' but we both agree that if we cannot sort it ourselves, or need a book to tell us or point us in any direction - our relationship would be pretty much fucked anyway.
 
the.dark.

_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to Icarys)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships - 10/19/2008 8:55:53 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

Part of the importance of understanding this stuff is that we then can learn to "hear" our partners loving us.  BSB is very much a guy and LOVES fixing things for me and does it fairly often.  On some level this really didn't do much for me but I am working on "hearing" that work as her saying "I love you" but it takes work on both sides to meet in the middle. 


I'm going have to disagree here Michael. I feel strongly that it is incumbent on the lover to love their partner in ways meaningful to them. Try as you might, you are never going to be able to feel "loved" in languages other than that which you need/want. Or, at least, I have never managed that. In my opinion, much as I'd always prefer to meet my partner in the middle, in this case, it just doesn't work out that way. We each meet on the other person's side *laughs*.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships - 10/19/2008 8:56:49 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: colouredin

I struggled with that, most of the questions seemed to ask how you felt about gifts far more than i would assume most people find gifts important, and often i didnt agree with either of the options. Mind you I dont think you can really do a test like that to establish what type of person you are because it assumes to be one thing you can have the other, it assumes that you fit into a box and that everyone can.

With that test specifically it was, you make me happy when you do this or when you do that, there was no room for i am happy when i can do this for you


I believe it is how you define 'gift' though, colouredone.  I mean, I tend to see the moments I get to spend with Darcy as a gift, that when he listens that is a gift as well.  Time is a gift.  Gifts aren't all materialistic.  I pretty much look at the answers as being two that answer the theory in the same way - but with a slight edge.  I mean - that number six I struggled over - I had to decide whether the holding hands was the main thing or the doing stuff together was - but it basically is the same answer.  It's just whether you benefit more from the physical or the mental.
 
the.dark.

_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to colouredin)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships - 10/19/2008 9:24:10 AM   
marieToo


Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline 		I've heard about this book and have been meaning to read it for some time.

Thanks for the summary, KoM.  In reading your post and the subsequent comments, I'm realizing that I have different love languages with different people.

I never even thought of the gift giving as a language, but it struck a chord with me since I have always been very uncomfortable about receiving gifts from people but I could never figure out why.  In giving gifts, I'm not as uncomfortable, but still feel hung-up about it, no matter how much I may want to give a particular gift to a person, whether it's a book or something more personal or symbolic.  Even getting gifts or things from my mother when she goes shopping makes me feel squicky sometimes.

With some people (like my ex husband) touch, and affirmative words were both  comfortable expressions of love, yet with people I don't know well, touch is something I don't freely give, yet if they touch me, I accept it nicely and feel it as love, even though I wouldn't choose to "love" them the same way.

With dominant men in ds relationships, I've always been uncomfortable with the affirmations, other than "I'm pleased" and things of that nature.  Compliments or romantic affirmations make me squirm a bit.  But I'm trying to get used to that since I'm realizing that a part of me feels good when I hear nice things spoken to me and about me.  So that is a language I am trying to learn and accept.

I would say I don't have a primary language across the board.  I only have a primary language in certain types of relationships with certain people; with the exception of my daughter, with whom all the five languages (even the gift thing) flow easily, frequently, comfortabley, and with complete joy.

Interesting stuff.  Really.

_____________________________

marie.


I give good agita.









(in reply to KnightofMists)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships - 10/19/2008 9:47:43 AM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark
I believe it is how you define 'gift' though, colouredone.  I mean, I tend to see the moments I get to spend with Darcy as a gift, that when he listens that is a gift as well.  Time is a gift.  Gifts aren't all materialistic.  I pretty much look at the answers as being two that answer the theory in the same way - but with a slight edge.  I mean - that number six I struggled over - I had to decide whether the holding hands was the main thing or the doing stuff together was - but it basically is the same answer.  It's just whether you benefit more from the physical or the mental.
 
the.dark.

 
i guess if thats how you read it, maybe im being cynical but i read 'it as material stuff. That may be more to do with how i have seen a lot of people talk about relationships (ohhh my boyfriend so bought me this the other day it was so cool he must really love me, honest im not making that up)

I have been struggling a lot recently with how to deal with it when my bloke asks me what I want to do and does stuff for me, so I guess I was reading the test with it coloured by that.

Regardless I dont think that a test can really help much, i love books like some women do and women are from venus but i dont really see them as doctine even though thats how they are written. I think it can be really hard to look at things outside of the accepted norm and see that some people need differant things to feel loved, not everyone is the same

_____________________________

Resident Lime(y) Tart
There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk

(in reply to RCdc)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships - 10/19/2008 9:48:09 AM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527
Try as you might, you are never going to be able to feel "loved" in languages other than that which you need/want.


Been there, can attest to that for myself. Instead I spent more energy than I should have, trying to interpret the things he insisted meant he cared about me. So often I just couldn't see it, though, and in time it became exhausting and frustrating. No matter how often he said "Of course I care deeply for you - why else would I.....(insert whatever it was he did, here)?" But it was Greek to me, and as much as I tried, his language did not compute into mine. I would get it for awhile, but it wouldn't sustain. There were other reasons for that, too, but this was a big one for me.

I agree with you about trying to meet the person in the middle.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 60
Page:   <<   < prev  1 2 [3] 4 5   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships Page: <<   < prev  1 2 [3] 4 5   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.109