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submissive jealousy - 3/4/2004 1:05:39 AM   

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Joined: 3/2/2004
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This is my first post and hopefully one of many firsts. I am currently involved with a R/T sub male (about a year and a half now) but it is also partially vanilla in nature. That is, he is both a sub and a boyfriend. I know it is hard to make these situations last at times, but overall things have been going well. My question now relates to the fact we have discussed my desire to perhaps take on another sub, male or female. My main concern is how he would handle it, being that it isn't only his sub feelings that will come into play, but those as a devoted boyfriend as well. Any ideas on how to make this easier for him? Based on previous discussions he understands it may happen in the near future, but I wonder how he will actually react when/if the time comes. I apologize for the lengthy post but I do want to make sure all goes well when I make my decision. Thanks to all who respond.
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RE: submissive jealousy - 3/4/2004 4:44:17 AM   

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I've been through this. Hope my thoughts sheds light from one angle.

Maybe place the discussions of the sub/domme side in your vanilla relationship. If you are able to conduct both already for so long, then you are probably doing this (un)wittingly already.

Talk about making your plans away from being in role. You may both of you have reactions that suprise, you can acknowledge this before you start that this is likely and agree how to handle them.

Agree what kinds of 'experiments' you want to make, who is in charge in making them happen. Specify when and how you both know what has happened/feedback/encourage/stop any further developments. He may well give you all the power to do as you please. If that happens, I would suggest checking from time to time in the future that this position is still holding.

Also, like with kids, don't let your current or incoming sub feel one is loved/dommed more than the other despite differing vanilla strong in making clear you are reacting to them as individuals and in particular circumstances, not just reiterating your favoured scenes on whoever happens to be at hand. THis helps avoid jealousy of your drives and abilities, as well of each other. And easier to manage all three of you being together at once.

I guess I'm basically saying your allow current sub some negotiating space for this in your vanilla relationship if you can - as you value and are possibly ready to extend that. Offering it may increases your personal strength you'll find. His increased or protected levels of trust may send him further into role than he's ever enjoyed before. Good luck, I hope you have fun.

(in reply to SexyLittIeBunny)
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thought - 3/4/2004 8:42:34 AM   

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I (a male Dom) yhink the fact you are discussing the question with your present slave before DOING anything speaks very well for the relationship. That old cliche about open communications being the starting point holds true.

The advice from londonswitch seems sound. I would add one or three thoughts:

--if adding a third to your menage will spoil what you have, will you give up the idea? You may think you will need to hear the sub's views before deciding that, feeling that to make up your mind before you talk marginalizes him. But-you must know yourself...if you know you are a Domme who WILL have more than one slave then you must accept yourself. If he objects, and you move ahead anyway, you will lose him, be clear about it. If you cannot lose him, don't take the new sub, make that sacrifice yourself (Dom/mes sacrifice too, sometimes, eh? "s'). Be clear with him, too: if you WILL take another over his objections, he must know that. The worst thing is to try to patch together a situation that you both know won't work, and watch it slip away.

--your threesome, if it happens, will introduce a new power dynamic. Will your present man be the lead on the chain? Some subs do not want anything to do with self-assertion;; but some enjoy helping you train the newbie under your direction....or to be trained himself under the newbie's hand, luxuriating in the additional humiliation (the newbie may be more experienced after all.)

--however you arrange it, there will be a realignment of the lines of power, and there will be jealousy.
Perhaps you enjoy resolvng that kind of continual challenge?

Good luck!


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(in reply to londonswitch)
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