RE: What Have You Learned?

I’ve learned that the beliefs I once held and professed seem pretty silly today. When it seems that I’m unfairly picking on someone else’s silly beliefs, keep in mind that I recognize them from personal experience and that I’ll be the first to admit it. Keeping my yap shut does no good to those that must go through the same process of consideration, contemplation and evolution. It’s not healthy (nor possible) to stick everyone in some sort of cocoon that protects them from ideas and opinions that challenge their own.

I’ve learned that despite all the perceived distinctions that exist between Leather lifestylers and vanillas, we’re far more alike than different. It’s ok to recognize those differences, and even celebrate them; but not to the point that it serves to diminish our “humanness”.

I’ve learned that BDSM has not descended upon us like the Holy Spirit, imbuing us with qualities that we did not already possess prior to our discovery of Leather. BDSM has not made us honest if we were not previously trustworthy. BDSM has not made us communicative where we once had walls. BDSM has not made us healthy, where once we were “broken”. In point of fact, BDSM has not “made” us anything. It’s we who have made BDSM what it is for each of us, individually.

I’ve learned that the majority of Leather leaders are politicians with the fundamental purpose of retaining their perceived power. They behave with the intention of furthering that objective, not for your benefit as a member of the BDSM community. And that’s ok, so long as you’re aware of the reality. That’s not to say that they aren’t “good” and “nice” people. Just that being human, they place their own self-interests above yours.

I’ve learned that most of these Leather leaders have more in common with Ronald Reagan than they’d care to admit. It was Reagan that coined the “11th Commandment” for Republicans… “Thou shalt not speak ill of any fellow Republican”. In Leather it’s seen as a necessary demonstration of unity in the face of constant struggle with external forces that mean us harm. I see it as a “bunker mentality” that ensures the continued exoneration (intentional or inadvertent) of the worst amongst them, thereby contributing to the disparagement of BDSM as a haven for fools and fantasizers, which marginalizes us all. Of course, it may simply be a defensive posture to retain their perceived “power” within the greater Leather community.

I’ve learned not to trust those that purport to have good reasons to avoid the BDSM community. Sure, there are exceptions to every rule. But it’s not in my best interest to pretend that everyone is that exception.

I’ve learned that people have the habit of believing what they are told based upon who is doing the telling, rather than the weight of the logic and veracity of what it is they have to say. Not because they know the individual the telling and their truthfulness, but because they know the name of the teller, under the misguided notion that the two are interchangeable.

I’ve learned that people are generally lazy, and won’t put forth the effort to educate themselves despite the fact that it’s easier to do in today’s electronic age than at any time in history. It’s this “consensual ignorance” that the less well intentioned amongst us prey upon.

I’ve learned that Leather has a tradition of not judging other people’s kinks. But I’ve observed that, over the years, this noble purpose has morphed into the suggestion that we should not judge other people at all. Frankly, I find this notion silly at best and dangerous at worst. Remove our ability to judge other people, their behavior, abilities, characteristics, etc. as “good” or “bad” for us (relatively speaking) and we’re no more than compliant idiots to be taken advantage of soon and often.

I’ve learned that “tolerance” has undergone a similar metamorphosis. Whereas Leather has a tradition of tolerance as it relates to other people’s kinks, it’s often implied that we must be tolerant of all behaviors and all things. Reality and logic dictate that there are some things we should not tolerate, either on an individual level or within the greater Leather community.

I’ve learned that while the internet has become an enormous gateway for the discovery of BDSM, it has not contributed in any great numbers to their active participation in our BDSM communities. Without any evidence to support my opinion beyond the observational, I can only conclude that for the overwhelming majority of this multitude, BDSM is something they fantasize about and “participate” in online. Let’s stop buying into their fantasy by perpetuating myths to the contrary.

I’ve learned that a significant number of people (evidently) feel the need to “make” BDSM into something it’s not. What with all the fantastical Leather histories, wild portrayals of BDSM and its devotees, personal histories, experiences and abilities that are bandied about, I’m left to conclude that a good many lifestylers are either dim-witted fools or desperately in need of something “special” to believe in and be a part of. It’s my considered opinion that the reality of BDSM is sufficiently “special”, with a glorious history and no need for imaginary elaboration which only serves to marginalize all of BDSM.

I’ve learned that many lifestylers are prone to expressing their opinions as facts, with the expectation that those opinions will enjoy a reception and consideration identical to the facts that contradict them.

I’ve learned that the portrayal of fantasy as reality is nothing more than a lie. In our politically correct BDSM culture we tend to dance around calling a lie what it is, often with the caveat that “one person’s fantasy is another’s reality”. And that’s great if we’re talking about winning the lottery, but not so realistic (or factual) if we’re talking about a BDSM house in Arkansas which traces its history back through 4,000 years of familial membership.

I’ve learned that a great many lifestylers are selfish, manipulative and exploitative. Now that’s not so surprising since we’re all human and those are (to one degree or another) universally human traits. But it certainly contradicts the skeletal pretense that somehow BDSM is “above” (or “beyond”) those human frailties. Keep that in mind and you’ll find yourself better able to pick and choose what works for you, rather than what works for someone else (committed power exchange relationships excepted).

I’ve learned that I’m nobody’s “bro”. There’s a reason that bad “hip” lingo died out in the seventies. I’d have to resist the temptation to bitch-slap my own biological brother if he started using that dated expression. The fact that we share an interest in BDSM doesn’t mean that much to me, and certainly doesn’t put us on anything approaching kinship terms.

I’ve learned that theoretically BDSM embraces diversity and tolerance, but that in a practical sense there is an implied (and at times overt) pressure towards conformity and intolerance. What you say, who you say it about, what you look like, your political persuasion and much more are under attack, often with the tacit approval and/or outright support of “Leather leadership”. I’m not talking about expressed disagreement or the competition of ideas in the public arena, or even that elusive “respectful” manner in which its expressed, but rather your “right” to have (and express) a competing opinion or idea at all. That is a fundamental distinction, and one that should concern all of us.

I’ve learned that whoever first distinguished between submissives and slaves by saying “My girl is a slave, yours is ‘just’ a submissive” was a genius. Sheer genius.

I’ve learned that lifestylers seem obsessed with handing out awards to one another. So much so that major events can become object lessons in self-masturbatory adulation that devalue and demean the very awards being given. It’s the politically correct “everyone is a winner” attitude. Well, in life everyone isn’t always a winner every weekend, and that’s ok.

I’ve learned that there is little to no consensus on the definitions and meanings for everyday BDSM terms, including those that may be fundamental to our self-awareness. And while there is no BDSM version of the Merriam-Webster dictionary, there are plenty of people who act as though there is (or they are).

I’ve learned that you don’t have to like everyone, and it’s not necessary that everyone likes you. The trick is to like yourself and to have your friends like you for who you really are.

I’ve learned that, beyond the constraints of a power exchange relationship, a sizeable number of people are not comfortable being themselves… that they think, behave, and look as they imagine other people expect of them. Be yourself. No one is better at it than you are.

I’ve learned that many people have no idea why they act as they do or enjoy what they enjoy, and in that vacuum they’re prone to make up reasons in order to give the appearance of rational justification. It’s enough to say that you do something because you enjoy it. Who can argue with that?

I’ve learned that it’s impossible to accurately judge BDSM (both the “good” and the “bad” of it) by virtue of a single munch, or even a single region. There is an enormous amount of diversity of opinion, interests and expectations and since birds of a feather tend to flock together what you see is not representative of the community as a whole. If what you find at one group doesn’t appeal to you, move on to the next until you find what best suits your needs. Or consider starting a group of your own… build it and they will come.

I’ve learned that magnificent fantasies sometimes make for crappy realities. Some things simply cannot be done. Some things should not be done. And still others do not enjoy the same appeal that we imagined they would. It helps to be realistic about fantasies, in order to avoid some embarrassing, disappointing or potentially disastrous consequences.

I’ve learned that despite the freedom to make BDSM whatever works best for you as an individual, there are many people who feel more comfortable seeking out the established customs, behaviors, protocols, etc. of others. Better yet if they have some real or contrived history to them. There’s nothing inherently wrong with that, to the extent that these practices are not portrayed as “the one true way” (which is often the case).

I’ve learned that a mutual interest in BDSM is not (often) enough for a sustainable personal relationship. And while that initial attraction may be strong, it’s not (likely) enough to fill the void if the other elements that make for a “good” and “healthy” (admittedly relative terms) relationship do not exist.

I’ve learned that we tend to focus upon the exceptions in BDSM, rather than what we have in common. That’s particularly true as it relates to power exchange relationships, and in doing so we lose the commonality of what could be shared experiences. We’re consumed with “possibilities” rather than “probabilities”.

I’ve learned that a great many people will disagree with me, and I’m ok with that. Doesn’t mean I’m right, or they’re wrong. Listen to both sides and decide what’s right for you.