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CreativeDominant -> RE: Vanilla and D/s (10/29/2008 12:36:23 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub
quote:
ORIGINAL: NuevaVida
quote:
ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark
Hello gorgeous one
Then maybe you can explain it to me - because I don't 'get' the difference - and until I can see what makes all Ds relationships this way and vanillas another, instead of people accepting that all relationships are different anyway (ie - that one Ds relationships works differently to another Ds relationship) - I just see them as 'the same'(hows that for confusing[:D]).
When people are saying they are 'the same' - they are suggesting that all relationships are the same, as in that ALL are different. That is the 'similarity'.
What were your differences?
the.dark.
OK I think my head actually popped after reading that!! Hmm...let me try to answer, and then I have to scoot off to work.
In a non-D/s relationship, I need to know and understand how to be an equal partner with equal say. I need to accept and exercise that my decisions have equal weight in the relationship, and utilize the skill of making such decisions and following through on them. I am responsible for my own body and what I do with it. I have authority over myself, which gives me the final word as to what I do.
As a submissive in a D/s based relationship, I need to know and understand how to subjugate to his word. He has final decision making authority over me, my body, my life, and I need to utilize the skill of gracefully complying to his will. I need the skill of communicating without making demands, and of understanding myself at a level I might not necessarily need to in a non-D/s relationship.
In a non-D/s (I hate the "vanilla" word) relationship, I am not expected (nor is it necessarily desired) to deny a desire of mine so that his desire can come first. In a D/s relationship (as has been my limited experience so far), that very well may be expected of me, and I might need the skills to do so without feeling pouty about it, and certainly to behave according to how HE prefers, rather than how I prefer.
In a non-D/s relationship, I can enjoy serving him in a way that makes me feel good, overall. I can do things for him that I want to do for him, of my own accord. In a D/s relationship, I serve him how HE wishes to be served (and still enjoy it, mind you), which may be different than what I originally had in mind.
So, OK, these relationships are all the same in that they are all different and unique. But the skills needed in each relationship, as I see it, are different.
Now I'll dizzily make my way to the office, lol.
What NV said here is exactly what i was trying to indicate on skills that new submissives have to start using (mentioned in my previous post).
Unless there is some other basis (other than that authority exchange is key to what is central to the relationship) for one partner to submit to another, social norms in older couples, the way someone was taught marriages were supposed to look like, religious or spiritual convictions, etc. it seems to me that more often than not what we are calling "vanilla" relationships are like a two-headed animal with both heads pulling in opposite directions, trying to figure out who gets to win this time. Most of what i've seen, although they have a "power dynamic" of a sort, it is more often a power struggle, than a power exchange (though i prefer the term authority exchange)
Added to that, is the fact that modern girls, women are taught to stand up for yourself, look out for number one, don't let any man tell you what you can or can't do, etc. So there is not only a learning curve of how to gracefully submit as NV stated but also an unlearning curve for many on how to not run one's lifes by the precepts that have been drummed into them.
heartfelt
I'm answering here because both nv and heartfelt expressed differing things but things I agree with. I think that neuva vida did an excellent job of pointing out that much of what does occur...in terms of actions and reactions on both sides of the coin...within a D/s relationship does differ from a vanilla relationship. I think she may have done a better job of getting at what I was trying to get at.
heartfelt expresses a lot of what I have felt and expressed before about things that...for many...can begin to cause problems within non-D/s relationships and for many of the reasons given by many on here, including myself.
bita brought up an interesting point when she noted that perhaps the skill...if it can be defined or called a skill...of recognition of the authority transfer and then following whichever side of the path you are on even when you don't want to is something that is completely different from most vanillas. Hell, as she noted, it can create problems in many D/s dynamics when the submissive does not like the way things are going and then states that "they are unhappy" or "feeling emotionally fragile" or whatever reason can be used to avoid following through on their side. It can create problems when the dominant tries to just push in the "because I said so" fashion all the time rather than mixing the statement in with those commands or directives that encompasses guidance of the submissive and/or the dynamic and/or himself
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