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Dom's can be dumb too - 12/14/2005 9:55:33 AM

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Despite what you all think, we too make mistakes...often.
I have a serious question.
You'r Dom screws up.
You have had a relationship, but he wanders....not far, but just out of reach.
He shows back up...and nothing sexual has happened.
Do you forgive him and move on?
Tar and feather him?
Hope he learned from his mistake and know he came back to you for a reason?
Say, he is not trustworthy and find another Dom?

My friend really wants to know.......fastlane throws up his hands in innocence.

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Just because it hurts, doesn't necessarily make it a bad thing.

RE: Dom's can be dumb too - 12/14/2005 10:01:15 AM

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As usual, I have to decide IF I really want to try a new relationship with this person. Because it would have to be a new relationship. If I decided, for numerous reasons, that it would be worth building a new relationship, then we would go slowly and make sure that ACTUAL changes were occurring.

So often people just get back together because it's been enough time for the bad stuff to fade and the good stuff to stick. However, if neither person has actually CHANGED in a way that will make the relationship work differently, then it's doomed as much as the first time around.

(in reply to fastlane)

RE: Dom's can be dumb too - 12/14/2005 10:02:30 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: fastlane

Despite what you all think, we too make mistakes...often.
I have a serious question.
You'r Dom screws up.
You have had a relationship, but he wanders....not far, but just out of reach.
He shows back up...and nothing sexual has happened.
Do you forgive him and move on?
Tar and feather him?
Hope he learned from his mistake and know he came back to you for a reason?
Say, he is not trustworthy and find another Dom?

My friend really wants to know.......fastlane throws up his hands in innocence.

Well...for me, and this is only my opinion...I believe that some things CAN be forgiven...of course, I would need to examine within myself first his reasons for straying ( was he in need of something that I was so obviously not giving him?, etc )...then would come the inevitable long drawn out discussions with him to determine where the EXACT problem was...and if it was something that could be salvaged, then yes...I would forgive and move on...either with him, or without him...My trust would be a long time in being given again, and it would take some time to forget...but if two people are serious about making the relationship work...even those can be overcome.

(in reply to fastlane)

RE: Dom's can be dumb too - 12/14/2005 10:10:45 AM

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My little friend smiles and agrees with you irishmist!

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Just because it hurts, doesn't necessarily make it a bad thing.

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RE: Dom's can be dumb too - 12/14/2005 10:13:36 AM

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Tar and feather, him...no, I'm no sadist

Forgive and move on, more likely, but whether that includes him in my life, depends entirely on the mitigating circumstances.

I have a friend who says never under any circumstances would she take him back...I on the other hand, am not so much a believer in monogamy as a believer in just plain, honest communication. If he's back and ready for honesty and serious abt committment, maybe we have something to talk about. And serious committment, does not necessarily mean that we agree to monogamy...but that's just me.

As far as his trustwortiness. Well, if he has already violated our trust, then he needs to re-prove himself, now doesn't he?

gina

(in reply to fastlane)

RE: Dom's can be dumb too - 12/14/2005 10:24:31 AM

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Fastlane turns to his friend and asks "Do you have to regain your trust?"

He says that it was never, really, truly, violated...just got side tracked.

I think my friend is in Denial?

I'm going to Tar and Feather his Ass!

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Just because it hurts, doesn't necessarily make it a bad thing.

(in reply to ginawithaB)

RE: Dom's can be dumb too - 12/14/2005 11:24:31 AM

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It would depend on many factors. What are you doing to make up for this? What are my guarantee's you are not going to do it again...after all once a cheat always a cheat.

How badly was I hurt if at all? Did I move on or start to recover?
What exactly are you looking for and am I it? If not I'd rather say goodbye.

As I said a great many factors would go into my decision. If all were in line the way they should be I'd forgive but it would and could take years for the trust to be rebuilt.

(in reply to fastlane)

RE: Dom's can be dumb too - 12/14/2005 11:46:43 AM

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Fastlane, tell your friend shame...shame...shame! I HATE when someone breaks my trust in them. It makes me very leery about a second chance. He would have to give me some tangible proof that he had changed, and it wasn't going to happen again. Even then, I honestly don't know if I'd ever trust him 100%, again. I hold myself to a very exacting standards with regards to trust and loyalty, and I would expect the same in return...particularly in a D/s or M/s relationship. That's my take on it.
~pet~

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Whip me, beat me
make me cry.
Tie me up.
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RE: Dom's can be dumb too - 12/14/2005 12:59:33 PM

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My words exactly Pet, but he is still in denial.

Shame, Shame!

I'm making him watch Dr. Phil today, who is doing a piece on mistrust.

Hey, what are friends for? Tough love!

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Just because it hurts, doesn't necessarily make it a bad thing.

(in reply to CaptainsPet)

RE: Dom's can be dumb too - 12/14/2005 1:38:09 PM

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I don't know i think we would have to do a lot of talking beore i could decided what to do. In the end for me it all comes to trust. Can you trust this Dom not to pull the same stunt again and again. Maybe i am just a romantic at heart but i am not stupid i would take him back if he regained my trust. This is just my thoughts.

littleone

(in reply to fastlane)

RE: Dom's can be dumb too - 12/14/2005 1:44:51 PM

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quote:

he is still in denial.

Shame, Shame!

I'm making him watch Dr. Phil today, who is doing a piece on mistrust

Really, I think watching Dr. Phil is punishment enough.

And who is this Denial anyway? Is she cute?

(in reply to fastlane)

RE: Dom's can be dumb too - 12/14/2005 1:52:26 PM

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quote:

I have a serious question.

Oh sorry, I missed the serious part the first time around.

To me sexual or nonsexual is immaterial. Sexual relationships can be very superficial and nonsexual relationships can be very intimate. I am not exactly clear on how this Dom friend of yours "screwed up." He wandered? What does that mean exactly? And what were the expectations of the established relationship?

Does this oh-so-mysterios friend feel he violated the trust of the other person? Does she? And on the micro-honestly level, why did he make the choices he made? And what has changed that makes him want to return to that relationship now? Is his regret based on guilt, lonliness, or the idea that an error in judgement caused him to lose something extremely valuable that he did not recognize before? And why didn't he recognize it?

So many questions.

(in reply to fastlane)

RE: Dom's can be dumb too - 12/14/2005 1:54:39 PM

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Hi There,
I not only would be happy for him, but I encourage him to wander any time he has the desire to do so.
Both of us are permitted to play full contact with others if we so choose to do so.
This dynamic works well for us, but I have seen it crush others.
I say if he's been lying to her that's a much bigger concern than the wandering itself. I could not fully trust a liar who's too much of a coward to tell the truth up front. sleeping around and cheating to me are very different beasts.

I say if he lies now he'll keep on lying and your friend shouldn't trust him or she'll have tp be ready for him to lie later about God only knows what else.

Sincerely,
sub suzanne

(in reply to fastlane)

RE: Dom's can be dumb too - 12/14/2005 2:22:38 PM

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NO forgiveness! He should be tossed to the curb and forgotten. What's to stop him from doing it again down the road? He should be shown no loyalty, after all he showed none.

You have a nice day now

feline

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Variety is the soul of pleasure.
~Aphra Behn~

(in reply to fastlane)

RE: Dom's can be dumb too - 12/14/2005 3:47:24 PM

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trust is essential in any relationship, if i feel that once my trust in someone has been violated, i'll run..........
i know of no case in my life,where once trust was broken it could ever be restored to the original way it was.
to me lies of omission are also a violation of trust, nobody likes to find things out on their own or be told by someone else.the offending party needs to be the one to come clean...
however lies of ommission can be forgiven, but the trust you had in the person will never be the same.
and its even more crucial,imo, in a D/s relationship that you be able to trust that person utterly.

_____________________________

"Accordingly, men must then either fulfill their nature, or deny it, and in denying their nature, deny us ours, for ours is the complement to theirs. " Renegades

(in reply to fastlane)

RE: Dom's can be dumb too - 12/14/2005 3:50:44 PM

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you hit the nail on the head plantlady.
if he lies about one thing whats to say he won't lie about another.i hate nailing someone's ass to the wall in a lie but i'll do it everytime,just b/c i have to.........i can't live w/ my self if i catch a lie and dont bring it up to my 'significant other'

quote:

ORIGINAL: plantlady64

Hi There,
I not only would be happy for him, but I encourage him to wander any time he has the desire to do so.
Both of us are permitted to play full contact with others if we so choose to do so.
This dynamic works well for us, but I have seen it crush others.
I say if he's been lying to her that's a much bigger concern than the wandering itself. I could not fully trust a liar who's too much of a coward to tell the truth up front. sleeping around and cheating to me are very different beasts.

I say if he lies now he'll keep on lying and your friend shouldn't trust him or she'll have tp be ready for him to lie later about God only knows what else.

Sincerely,
sub suzanne

_____________________________

"Accordingly, men must then either fulfill their nature, or deny it, and in denying their nature, deny us ours, for ours is the complement to theirs. " Renegades

(in reply to plantlady64)

RE: Dom's can be dumb too - 12/14/2005 4:02:59 PM

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quote:

I say if he lies now he'll keep on lying and your friend shouldn't trust him or she'll have tp be ready for him to lie later about God only knows what else.

quote:

you hit the nail on the head plantlady.
if he lies about one thing whats to say he won't lie about another.i hate nailing someone's ass to the wall in a lie but i'll do it everytime,just b/c i have to.........i can't live w/ my self if i catch a lie and dont bring it up to my 'significant other'

First off, I was given the impression from the OP that this was not about lying to someone...but about 'cheating'...he wandered away, strayed...

in that context, I would stick with what I said in my original response

Now, in regards to FYreredsub's comment about 'lies of omission'; I would still have to disagree with you there. The omission was in not admitting that there was a problem in the relationship to begin with...and yes, while I do agree that trust, once broken, is a hard thing to earn back...I also believe that if two people REALLY want the relationship to work, they would work through all this.

Just my opinion though :)

(in reply to plantlady64)

RE: Dom's can be dumb too - 12/14/2005 4:03:52 PM

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Your friend's relationship is like a torn piece of clothing. Whether it's worth saving depends how big the rip is and how valuable the clothing was in the first place.

Same thing happened to me recently and it was a big rip in a small sock, so it was an obvious goodbye.

I guess the other question is, can doms learn from their mistakes?

(in reply to fyreredsub)

RE: Dom's can be dumb too - 12/14/2005 4:13:55 PM

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i would be willing to forgive nearly anything, though if the breatch of trust was deep it would take long to rebuild, i belive in relationships, and that leving is only the wery last resort.

(in reply to shigglyboom)

RE: Dom's can be dumb too - 12/15/2005 4:24:13 PM

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hmmm so fastlane has never made a mistake--asking for a friend eh? Dom/mes make mistakes, they are at the end of the day human--and not omnipotent---depending on the infraction (like saying One was single and they are married, or they don't cuck and they really do--) I think if the sub chooses, forgiveness is probably in order--

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SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor

(in reply to fastlane)

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