RE: Confused, need advice.

RE: Confused, need advice. (Full Version)

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MrHarsh -> RE: Confused, need advice. (11/2/2008 5:33:10 PM)
Plain and simple - you're trying to enter a relationship with this guy. Any relationship requires a certain amount of honesty and a certain amount of mutual fulfillment. It sounds like your relationship is missing both of those things. If he's really interested in you, and not just some good times on cam, then you can talk it through at reach an agreement. If you can't reach a mutual satisfactory agreement, then you're not going to have a good relationship. I would recommend trying to talk it out a little bit more to see if he's really interested in you and not just some cam fun. Let him know you don't feel comfortable camming without meeting and see how he reacts. Personally, I like pushing a sub outside her comfort zone once in a while to "prove" herself, but this is not something one does early on in a relationship. First you have to establish trust. The sub needs to feel safe under the Dom's guidance so that (s)he knows nothing bad will happen when she leaves her comfort zone. At the moment, you really don't know that you'll be safe. He hasn't earned your trust. You are right to be cautious.

solia -> RE: Confused, need advice. (11/2/2008 5:39:04 PM)
I read as far as : so i "show my submission to him". DUMP HIM ~ HE'S A JACKASS and a TROLL! And he's probably married and staying late at the office and pulling on his wee peepee ... you will never meet. There's absolutely NOTHING DOMLY about demanding webcamming or refusing to call or meet. Then I read (sort of) down to : Am i in the wrong? And if so...how do i tell him what i'm feeling..does this even make sense? And I didn't read any responses so this may be a repeat or one more on the list of bullshit identifiers. NO, you are not wrong! Limits can and should include no webcamming without first establishing a relationship and an agreement to webcam. You don't EVER 'have to' webcam or anything else for that matter .. that's just bullshit from a TROLL in a dom costume. Ask yourself this question any time that you doubt yourself as a submissive: would you cut your leg off because a 'dom' demanded it? Being submissive does not mean disrespecting yourself and lowering your personal standards just because some TROLL in a dom costume demands it. No self respecting dom would demand that you lower your personal standards!!!!! Don't ever feel stupid or dumb for insisting on legitimacy. Don't ever apologize for your standards. You are more valuable because of your standards! There's not a single 'dom' on this planet that could make me do something I didn't want to do. Uh, you wouldn't send me his name would you so that I could mock him? That's a favorite fetish of mine .. mocking trolls and jackasses....sigh, and there's never a shortage .. smiles

CalifChick -> RE: Confused, need advice. (11/2/2008 5:43:09 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lilmisssubmiss So i made a fake account ... If you don't trust someone, then you don't trust them. Don't resort to high school antics to see if they can be trusted or not. When I discovered that my husband was having inappropriate relationships with women online, I became a detective. I hated it. I hated how suspicious I was. Sure, I found out everything I wanted to know (and then some), but I should have gone with my gut when I found the second lie (gave him a second chance after the first lie and I should have stopped with the second chance). Even if they turn out to be trustworthy, what then? At what point do you reveal your deception? At what point do you say, "I thought you were a cheating bastard, so I made a fake account and checked up on you"? Just don't do it. Cali

windchymes -> RE: Confused, need advice. (11/2/2008 5:45:58 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lilmisssubmiss quote: ORIGINAL: CalifChick Look, you're 18 years old, you have a beautiful, sexy pic that shows the promise of seeing oh-so-much-more. He is either a kid, or living in mommy's basement, or an old geezer, or married, or has no social skills, or no teeth, or... you get the picture. If he was who he says he is, then he would be falling all over himself to meet you on ANY TERMS. Cali well i know he is who he says he is..i've seen him on cam....he's actually fairly good looking So was Ted Bundy. For the love of God, girl....you can have your pick of men. If this guy really was serious about you, he'd want to meet for real as soon as possible. Why settle for a webcam show when he could have it in person??? He's nothing but an online game-player jerking you around. And I guarantee, the first time you provide him with a webcam show, he'll disappear as soon as he's splooged all over his keyboard. Please, listen to all us old wise women....lose him. Edited to add: I forgot you're 18....Ted Bundy was a handsome, smooth, charming serial killer who brutally murdered a bunch of girls in a sorority house. His neighbors all said he was a nice, decent guy.

solia -> RE: Confused, need advice. (11/2/2008 5:46:56 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lilmisssubmiss quote: ORIGINAL: KatyLied quote: Like you said...there will be other guys. Will be? There are tons of them, everywhere. It's your job to weed out the wankers and dismiss them promptly. Unless of course, you wanna give them a little tease before you hit the delete. I just would feel bad...i mean i think for some reason he does want to meet irl...just under his terms since he's the dom...but i just don't get why if he wants all this stuff he is putting off meeting for so long? If he wants all this wouldnt he want us to meet asap so we can get goin with knowing eachother? Had to comment here .. 'just under his terms' .. BULLSHIT. Think safety here ... YOUR safety ... Any time that I've met either a dom or a sub ... I decided where and when .. and I had pre-planted friends in the place! I drove myself or took a cab and I didn't offer to give the dom or sub a ride ~ either pick up or drop off. If they can't arrange transportation, they can't do a whole lot of other things is how I think about it. Also, have you seen the commercial about the two teenaged girls looking at myspace or facebook or one of those sites and one girl comments about an embarrassing video of the other girl being on a mutual friend's profile and it can't be taken off .. do you want your webcam show to cruise the internet world? Dude TROLL is not trustworthy. DUMP him and move on with your stronger self about things. And seriously, please, give me his name so I can mock him....begging shamelessly <weg>

CruelDesires -> RE: Confused, need advice. (11/2/2008 5:48:00 PM)
Some of us have spill proof keyboard covers. Just sayin.... coughs Edit> Turns off my horndoggedness C-D

windchymes -> RE: Confused, need advice. (11/2/2008 5:50:11 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CruelDesires Some of us have spill proof keyboard covers. Just sayin.... coughs Edit> Turns off my horndoggedness C-D [:D]

Usako -> RE: Confused, need advice. (11/2/2008 5:52:31 PM)
Of course it isn't a sure fire method, but it does help put off a better image that fishes better chances of finding better people. Wankers see boobs and pounce. Since the profile contains no info and just a boob-ish pic, it seems like prime wanker fodder to me. quote: ORIGINAL: YourhandMyAss Sure, sexy type pictures will draw attention, but changing your picture is no gaurentee of not getting wankers, when I was single and looking I had the most vannila'st picture you could post, and I still got wankers. quote: ORIGINAL: Usako Minor suggestion, if you want ot weed out wankers like him I'd put up, perhaps a better pic. The pose and breasts attract wankers, as you have here who just wants webcam shows.

KatyLied -> RE: Confused, need advice. (11/2/2008 5:57:24 PM)
Op - Wow, you wonder if people are real and you've admitted to making a fake account in order to see if a guy you've met was telling the truth. The only way I know to discover the "truth" about anyone is to get to know them, in a variety of settings/situations, over a period of time. You look for consistent behavior that matches what they say. It is not a complicated formula. But it takes time and it does not happen overnight.

Padriag -> RE: Confused, need advice. (11/2/2008 6:01:48 PM)
FR Yup... this is kinda like watching a NASCAR race.... and waiting for the big wreck.

lilmisssubmiss -> RE: Confused, need advice. (11/2/2008 6:02:43 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: KatyLied Op - Wow, you wonder if people are real and you've admitted to making a fake account in order to see if a guy you've met was telling the truth. The only way I know to discover the "truth" about anyone is to get to know them, in a variety of settings/situations, over a period of time. You look for consistent behavior that matches what they say. It is not a complicated formula. But it takes time and it does not happen overnight. Lol, no i'm just use to internet stuff...i use to be an admin at fakersbusted ...im just use to fakes online but ya it def doesn't happen over night and true trust is built off a foundation that takes some time to build.

KatyLied -> RE: Confused, need advice. (11/2/2008 6:04:09 PM)
quote: and waiting for the big wreck. If only the semi-dom in question would put in an appearance...

lilmisssubmiss -> RE: Confused, need advice. (11/2/2008 6:04:53 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Padriag FR Yup... this is kinda like watching a NASCAR race.... and waiting for the big wreck. -.-

BLGirl -> RE: Confused, need advice. (11/2/2008 6:10:43 PM)
There is one thing that is probably being over looked. Your comfortability with this guy, you stated that it was all about his terms because he is the D. I hate to be the one to tell you in any relationship especially one involving a sub and dom the sub is always or should be in control. While I know that when me and my baby girl are involved all she has to do is say the word and it all stops. While I have the freedom do do pretty much what she will allow, she has the control to stop any thing at any time. If you are not comfortable with this guy, you need to take some time to take a step back and evaluate the situation. I would suggest that if this guy is not willing to do more than meet you in person it sounds like there might be some issues there. There also should be something said that untill there is some trust there shouldn't be a concern about who is Dom and who is Sub. I would suggest that if he is not willing to meet you in person under your terms that should send up a red flag to you. Just my 2 cents BLGirl's Daddy (KSR)

Padriag -> RE: Confused, need advice. (11/2/2008 6:20:43 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lilmisssubmiss quote: ORIGINAL: Padriag FR Yup... this is kinda like watching a NASCAR race.... and waiting for the big wreck. -.- Yup...but hey... since you're cute I'll share my popcorn with ya. Besides, you've already gotten some great advice from people like Katy and Cali... I'm hoping you'll listen. Seriously, I have no desire to see you get hurt... well... unless its me inflicting the pain on that nubile bod of yours... but that's another thing entirely. But I've been around this block often enough to know how often young women, like yourself, don't listen and rush headlong where Hell's Angels fear to tread... next thing ya know... big wreck. For your sake, I hope you're the exception. Hope you like extra butter... I love loads of flavor myself.

apiercedkitty -> RE: Confused, need advice. (11/2/2008 6:56:25 PM)
~FR~ Please don't take offense - as a mom, i can be blunt at times... It really sounds to me like you're still very much in need of some maturity. Seriously, just cuz he's the "Dom" you think everything in life needs to go his way? Yeah - no. That's not how it happens when two strangers meet. If you weren't on an alternative lifestyle site, would you accept all those conditions from someone who didn't call themself a Dom? And the whole making a fake account to catch someone lying? Grow up and learn to go with your gut. If you feel like someone's lying, they probably are. Tell em thanks but no thanks and move on. Take the fabulous advice that you've been given, get rid of the provocative pic, befriend a sub or two and get some real life experience.

Padriag -> RE: Confused, need advice. (11/2/2008 7:05:26 PM)
I think she very much wants some RL experience. I also think she wants for things to go the "doms" way. I think she probably would accept those conditions, she likes the idea of them. Making a fake account to gather information isn't immature, its deceitful, clever and apparently effective... and socially distasteful... and a surprising number of people do so. Telling someone with limited life experience to "grow up and trust their gut" probably isn't all that helpful... she's likely still learning to tell what her gut is saying... if its saying anything at all. I do agree she ought to take some of the advice she's been given. But she also ought to question every word of it, consider it for herself so that she both understands what was said... and just as importantly... why it was said. Because if she doesn't learn to understand the why... well... then one of us might as well just adopt her so we can lock her away and protect her from the big bad ole world. If that's the case, and since she's got a hot bod... I volunteer. [image]http://www.collarchat.com/image/s3.gif[/image] I'm such a humanitarian ya know.

antipode -> RE: Confused, need advice. (11/2/2008 7:18:42 PM)
Couple things. First, there isn't any need for you to undress and masturbate on cam, if you are going to meet IRL. Some guys get off on that, or so I hear, it doesn't do anything for me. I don't even know why'd you'd want to, when you can get a perfectly good guy to do it for you. So this guy may not meet you, or - scarier - he will meet you, but he is really weird. And honestly, why worry about him? If a potential date or playmate puts one foot wrong, ditch him. There is an endless supply of them. The other thing is kind of fatherly advice. Don't ever play in your own backyard. Don't play with someone you could run into at the grocery, or at the subway station. It is dangerous. Not just for you. I don't either. The last thing I want is taking my playmate home, and waking up with her boyfriend standing next to my bed with a .357 Magnum pointed at my head, to get me to open my safe. You run the same risk. If he is in your area, and you do meet in a diner, he can have a buddy follow you home. It happens. For me career and other matters are an issue, I don't even play with someone from my state. You don't have to go that far, but never close. Some of the other responses are absolutely right. If I had you on cam, and you said you want to meet me, I'd be halfway to the airport by the time you finish reading this sentence. That's your average Real Male. Anybody does anything else, outta there. The domming starts after you meet and agree to see each other. Not before. So there. Move on to the next one. Tell him to take his cam and shove it up his a... [:)]

Aslanemperor -> RE: Confused, need advice. (11/2/2008 7:19:04 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lilmisssubmiss I met this guy on here he lives in my city we tried getting together once it just didn't happen. I found out later it's because he wanted us to meet on his terms...since he's the dom. Which i get, but the only reason why i pushed for meeting is because...well i don't want to waste our time. So on his terms we are trying again....he wont even phone because he wants to wait to do that till he wants to do that since he's the dom...which i get that's fine....but yet he wants me to undress in front of webcam...and masterbate for him.. so i "show my submission to him". I refuse to do that to every guy ....i mean if i was claimed as his ....i wouldn't mind undressing doing all that...but i'm not. I understand proving myself if he gives me a bit in return like idk...meeting up...get on the phone. I finally drew the line when he wanted me to masterbate in front of cam for him i was like i feel like you are using me i have to have some sort of foundation with a guy isntead of a text mesg when to get on when youre horny so you can see me masterbate...and he goes ok i understand we need to take things slower. No....not take things slower... maybe with the sexual stuff...but take things faster with getting to know eachother...IRL not just over IM. Is what i'm feeling dumb? should i give myself full out to this guy before we meet...before we talk on the phone? To me...there are other ways of showing I can submit to him other than getting naked and sexual things. I mean i know he's the dom and I'm the sub...but in every relationship both people have to be doing something why am i the only one doing? Am i in the wrong? And if so...how do i tell him what i'm feeling..does this even make sense? -And believe me, i'm willing to give myself full out to someone whatever he desires,...but i need to have a foundation first in this case since he lives in my area meet up first talk on the phone frist...get to know eachother first. I just need those couple of things before i go full out. First let me say that what you're feeling is a good thing. With every girl I've ever advised about BDSM, the first thing I've told them is this: Because the relationship requires the absolute surrender of the sub, it's VERY important that she know her Dom VERY well first. This requires spending time together, first in public settings talking, and then spending time in private settings. I even require time for "chemistry" testing as well. You need to KNOW that the Dom is what you want before you take that step towards surrender. A lot of young Doms don't get this. They think that the sub should surrender as soon as they send a message, but until she's collared, she's got the right to be as independent as she feels because she needs to be that way in order to protect herself from jerks who will abuse her. So, to sum this long winded craziness up, I advise you to set down ground rules. Tell him that you're willing to submit once you are sure you're safe, but you can't know that without getting to know him as a person. Tell him that if he can't understand that, then he's not mature enough to be your Dom. I think you'll be shocked at just how much power you have when you haven't been collared. Protect yourself and be strong so that you can surrender to the RIGHT man. ~Aslanemperor

apiercedkitty -> RE: Confused, need advice. (11/2/2008 7:23:16 PM)
Well, we apparently got different things out of her original post. i didn't get it that she wanted everything to go the "Dom's" way. Seemed to me that was part of what she was questioning. Seemed she also had enough of a gut instinct to ask for advice. i stand by my original statement of going with that. You're more than welcome to your opinion on what making a fake account is - to me it's immature. Doesn't mean "grown-ups" don't do it. i just see it as a sign of immaturity - just my opinion, of course.

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