The Art of Listening

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The Art of Listening - 11/2/2008 4:49:25 PM

bamabbwsub

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...and advice-giving, too.

I am a very good listener and usually equally good at giving advice (if I do say so, myself), and I'm usually the person people come to when they need to vent or need an alternate viewpoint.

But I have started to notice that very few of my friends are even adequate at listening, much less passing along good advice.

The other day, I was talking to a friend on the phone, and nearly in the middle of my sentence, she said, "I just renewed my driver's license, and they sure are a lot more flimsy than they used to be." WTF??? That same friend, BTW, has a habit of doing other things while we're on the phone, to the point where I sometimes have to say, "Are you there?" Arrrgghhh.

And when I was talking to another friend about possibly losing my best friend of 7 years due to an argument that we had had, she said, "Well, I'm sure that you'll be sad for a little while if she doesn't call you back." WTF??? How about, I'll be heartbroken, not just "sad for a little while."

For the record, I have listened to and given advice to both of the friends mentioned above -- in spades -- without off-the-wall interruptions, without crickets chirping in the background, and without making inane platitudes. And in both instances, the people called me, not vice versa.

My question is: Do you find that you're a better listener and advice-giver than those around you? And if so, how do you cope when you really need someone to listen -- to FOCUS -- on what you're saying and give sound advice? Short of seeing a psychiatrist, that is. :)

Oh, wait...I guess you post on the CM boards. Ha!! Carry on...

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RE: The Art of Listening - 11/2/2008 5:10:18 PM

DesFIP

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Find better friends?

Beyond that, something to consider. Do you prefer to be the wise friend, the one with all the answers? Because if so, then you are choosing your friends just to give yourself this ego boost. This isn't a put down, it's something I've noticed in the past myself. I am much more comfortable giving help than asking for it so I set up relationships where I wouldn't be expected to accept help.

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RE: The Art of Listening - 11/2/2008 5:22:37 PM

bamabbwsub

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Hmmm...I've never thought about that, DesFIP. I don't know that I actually "choose" my friends on that basis (the ego boost), but I do prefer to be the wise friend and not the one always asking for advice. I'm very pragmatic -- almost to a fault -- and don't often find myself in situations where I need advice from other people. I think that people recognize that I'm fairly level-headed and so they start talking and I start listening.

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"Everyone is normal until you get to know them." - Dave Sim

I rescue animals. My pockets and gas tank are always empty. My home is always hairy and my inbox full of sadness, but my heart is full when seeing those that are saved.

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RE: The Art of Listening - 11/2/2008 8:47:33 PM

DesFIP

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But you're setting up a situation where you don't go to them with your problems, so they don't expect it or even believe it when it happens. They probably do listen to others and offer advice to others but would feel strange advising you because the relationship is so unequal.

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RE: The Art of Listening - 11/2/2008 8:50:12 PM

rexrgisformidoni

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I tend to hear like every fourth word of what people are saying, and somehow I still understand the gist of whats going on.

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RE: The Art of Listening - 11/3/2008 5:47:29 AM

MadAxeman

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I've never heard anyone call themselves a bad listener, slant headed or prone to giving crappy advice.

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RE: The Art of Listening - 11/3/2008 7:03:45 AM

pahunkboy

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Bama, everyone I know is distracted.

It is very frustrating. Some of the interruptions are items that need attention, but when the conversation gets too fragmented, I then do not talk about pressing matters, just small talk.

There can be 1001 distractions. even going camping wont solve it if people bring cell phones.

TV is another example. It is not in the grids interest for anyone to be too focused.

I wish I had the patience to meditate.

When the conversation is like you say, My reply is "I am all talked out for now" or " I better get busy".

some of the problem is catching someone at a time that they are not distracted.

As to friends...if the exchange is not 50-50 for too long of a time, there is no other way for the relationship to go but to fizzle.
You could verbalize that, and it is not tit for tat, and I often have taken a break from people either stated or not - with the outcome of a recharged friendship.

So take a break from those 2, but dont end it all as if they are the worse zombies on the earth.

we go thru life in a daze and only moments that the human can cut thru the fog- are the moments of enlightenment.

Finally- take the Tv out to the street and smash it into 1,000,000 pieces.

Roger PS: to friends I talk to on the phone on CM, I gave up long distance - THAT is why I dont call much. :-) I still love you!

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RE: The Art of Listening - 11/3/2008 7:25:37 PM

bamabbwsub

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MadAxeman

I've never heard anyone call themselves a bad listener, slant headed or prone to giving crappy advice.

"Slant headed?" Never heard that term before.

Actually, a few of my friends will openly state that they give terrible advice.

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"Everyone is normal until you get to know them." - Dave Sim

I rescue animals. My pockets and gas tank are always empty. My home is always hairy and my inbox full of sadness, but my heart is full when seeing those that are saved.

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RE: The Art of Listening - 11/3/2008 7:27:00 PM

bamabbwsub

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

But you're setting up a situation where you don't go to them with your problems, so they don't expect it or even believe it when it happens. They probably do listen to others and offer advice to others but would feel strange advising you because the relationship is so unequal.

Again, I hadn't really considered that, but you may have a good point there. I'm not sure what to do about that, because typically my life is relatively drama-free (just the way I like it!), but there are times that I really need a good ear and some good advice.

_____________________________

"Everyone is normal until you get to know them." - Dave Sim

I rescue animals. My pockets and gas tank are always empty. My home is always hairy and my inbox full of sadness, but my heart is full when seeing those that are saved.

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RE: The Art of Listening - 11/3/2008 7:29:57 PM

bamabbwsub

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Thanks for the words of wisdom, pahunkboy. People watching TV, or talking to other people (like their UMs), while having a phone conversation drive me crazy! I think it is sooooo rude!

I have started to do what you suggested by just ending the conversation, saying, "Well, I'd better get back to work" or whatever.

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"Everyone is normal until you get to know them." - Dave Sim

I rescue animals. My pockets and gas tank are always empty. My home is always hairy and my inbox full of sadness, but my heart is full when seeing those that are saved.

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