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deleted - 3/4/2004 6:26:21 PM   
StealMeAway


Posts: 1
Joined: 3/2/2004
Status: offline
I was just venting. sorry.....I couldn't find the delete option. anyway you look at it, there's no excuse for cheating and lying to the person you love and they love you. Vanilla or D/s ... it's the wrong thing to do.

< Message edited by StealMeAway -- 3/4/2004 7:02:56 PM >
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: tough question here, - 3/4/2004 6:47:27 PM   
blueiii


Posts: 19
Joined: 2/19/2004
Status: offline
I'm sorry you're having such a bad time. The thing is, I read your entire message and didn't read what you might consider to be your partner's good points. Is it possible that you just want different things at this point in your lives. Even in a vanilla relationship, you can't expect to change someone.

This sounds really trite, but if the relationship were working on its own, then the D/s part of it would be an enhancement. The way you describe it it sounds like a hinderance. It sounds like it's just one more weapon of punishment that you two use against eachother.

I'm not sure what to suggest, but individual therapy might help you sort this out.

Best to you,
blueiii

(in reply to StealMeAway)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: deleted - 3/4/2004 7:09:27 PM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
Stealmeaway,
I see many alternatives to your problem. This is only my opinion...remember that.

To me cheating is not online. You are insecure. Usually whether in a vanilla relationship or D/s it does'nt matter. There is a reason why you are insecure. If my Dominant wanted to play online I would be all for it. Disclosure is our answer. If someone wanted to give him an online blowjob. Would'nt it be great for any man to actually feel it while reading it? I do that for my Dom. You can get involved with him in his online relationships. That way he discloses them to you and you to them.
Also, if you are doing whatever the female claims to be doing. Who is going to get the most attention?

Then again, I know a few people who would say you are trying to control the relationship by setting up these boundries your Dom has to live by. Is that a sub?

It sounds to me like you do need counseling I mean you are jealous of nothing. Yes, I know it seems like something. The bottom line is he has broken the trust. How does he repair that? Does he want to even try?

Every relationship has its ups and downs. I have asked for release at least 5 times in the last 5 years. It has never been granted and I'm happy it was'nt. People who genuinely want their relationships to work stick together and work things out. Of course if it is'nt meant to be it won't be worked out, but not for lack of trying.

In my first vanilla relationship. He and I were together for 5 years. About year 3, we got into a big argument. I don't even remember what it was about anymore. I was talking to his mother one night. She said something to the effect of, well its obvious you love one another, you are still arguing. I had no clue what she was talking about at the time.
In the years I realized. When you care enough to argue and fight...bottom line you care about one another. You love one another because you will fight it out.
Its when we stop fighting and run when we have the problems.

If you're throwing tantrums when you don't get your way. Put yourself in his position. Would you get tired of it?
Are you trying to fit in with his friends? Do you have mutual friends?

Personally I could not forget my submissive life. I am who I am.

Anyway, hope some of my words helped.

(in reply to StealMeAway)
Profile   Post #: 3
yes: tough problem - 3/5/2004 3:37:24 PM   
Perempt


Posts: 24
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: US
Status: offline
No doubt the problem is real, and the pain is real, and I am not at all making light of it. The usual instinct for us all is to suggest some ways you might patch it up, and your respondents have suggested several that might work.

Please consider, though, that most relationships in life do not last, just as a matter of fact, whether vanilla or bdsm, married or live-in. And yet the two of you have much more thhan a superficial relationship after five years. If patch-up, cunseling or therapy do not work, I would suggest a period of separation, where you move apart, do not communicate, and see how separation feels. If you cannot get together after that, I'd move on.

_____________________________

[email protected]

(in reply to sub4hire)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: yes: tough problem - 3/5/2004 4:00:01 PM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Perempt

No doubt the problem is real, and the pain is real, and I am not at all making light of it. The usual instinct for us all is to suggest some ways you might patch it up, and your respondents have suggested several that might work.

Please consider, though, that most relationships in life do not last, just as a matter of fact, whether vanilla or bdsm, married or live-in. And yet the two of you have much more thhan a superficial relationship after five years. If patch-up, cunseling or therapy do not work, I would suggest a period of separation, where you move apart, do not communicate, and see how separation feels. If you cannot get together after that, I'd move on.


Perempt,
I just have to ask. Do you have any idea what I was even referring to? Hehehhee...that guy I was referring to I dated...well lets see...21 years ago. I was using it as a reference point when dishing out some advice to someone else.
Since then..of course she deleted the thread.
Basically it went something like this. Blueiii please correct me if I get any of it wrong.

Ok...it went...What should I do? I was with my Dom...I threw a temper tantrum. Instead of lavishing me with all the attention in the world he said goodbye to me. See, I like to throw tantrums. His world should revolve around me. Oh..also by the way he was cheating on me talking to others on the pc. Oh..and also I don't like it that he has his friends he likes to hang out with. I should be getting all of the attention.
So...I forgot myself with god for a while. Losing myself. Now, I guess its time for me to get to know me again.
But what would you do if you caught your Dom cheating on the computer on you?
I left him. He did'nt react the right way to my temper tantrum...damn...why won't he behave the way I order him to?

Well that last sentence hey I embellished on. But, that is the jist of what I read and was replying to.

Though the question was deleted as fast as it showed up.

To me that is someone who seriously needs to do some growing up. But hey thats just my opinion.

(in reply to Perempt)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: yes: tough problem - 3/8/2004 10:20:15 PM   
tweetygirl


Posts: 19
Joined: 1/9/2004
Status: offline
I dont see the 1st message in thread but I had to say that in general. Cheating on somebody is wrong.

If a Dominant has no right to cheat on a sub unless it was agreed to. The Dominant has no more right to cheat then a sub does it is still wrong. Just cause a Dominant has the control in the relationship doesnt mean they are anymore important then a sub. A sub would have every right to get mad or leave the relationship if the Dominant cheats.

Amanda

(in reply to sub4hire)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: yes: tough problem - 3/9/2004 5:39:27 AM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: tweetygirl

I dont see the 1st message in thread but I had to say that in general. Cheating on somebody is wrong.

If a Dominant has no right to cheat on a sub unless it was agreed to. The Dominant has no more right to cheat then a sub does it is still wrong. Just cause a Dominant has the control in the relationship doesnt mean they are anymore important then a sub. A sub would have every right to get mad or leave the relationship if the Dominant cheats.

Amanda


My point was. Who is to say its cheating? We all at least in my mind. We all assume we have friends outside of our two person relationship. I don't call that cheating. This person was calling it that.
Are we that full of ourseves to assume the whole world should revolve around ourselves?

I don't condone cheating either. Its just the way it was brought up it was'nt anything near cheating. Talking to friends online and talking to old friends in person.

I do invite the person who ran to correct me if I"m wrong. I'd sure like to be proven I'd taken it out of context.

(in reply to tweetygirl)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: yes: tough problem - 3/9/2004 10:09:39 AM   
EStrict


Posts: 729
Joined: 1/11/2004
Status: offline
The thing that nags me from the origanal post (and yes I did read it) was the poster's choice in screen names. Was that something recently created, or is it one she has used for a long time? (I have EStrict for years). If you are begging someone to *stealmeaway* while in a relationship with others, could you be inviting insecurity with your partner?

Also, they only spoke of the dominants speaking to others online. As Gloria pointed out, could that be all there was happening? There is an old saying that people's own actions often reflect back on them off others. Is it possible the reason she felt he *had* to be more than talking online because *she* did more than talk when she was there?

I mention these things because I am often asked if I have Master's *permission* to talk to others online. And the answer is always. Because, even though we met online, Master knows my own feelings on online play (I am always a RL kind of person), and knows I would never say anthing to anyone on here that I am not fully prepared to tell him about. And the same is true of him on the rare occassions he comes online.

_____________________________

Sandy

Don't take life too seriously, no one gets out alive anyway...

(in reply to sub4hire)
Profile   Post #: 8
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