RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified

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HisNani -> RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified (11/6/2008 5:58:02 PM)
Okay, thanks everyone for your advice and responses, it's much appreciated. First off cause this is driving me insane...I was on CollarMe starting in May of 07. I switched accounts awhile ago and closed the first one. Then since I wasn't searching for anyone, my Master had me close the second one. This one I started three days ago because my Master wanted me to find a female playmate for us because it was something he knew I'd enjoy as much as him. I'm not a weirdo, I'm not fake, I'm not just some random person making up a story. I don't have a picture posted and I don't see one when I view my own profile so I'm not sure what you guys are seeing. I am NOT A TROLL!! Yeesh. quote: ORIGINAL: BLGirl First of all, has he previously behaved in a way that would lead you to believe that he will follow through with this punishment? He has never raised a hand to me before. Never had to. I'm not saying I did nothing wrong, but most of the time it was punishment for things I forgot to do (text when I left the house, etc) so I ended up writing sentences and such. For another punishment he had me text him on the hour every hour (a shitload harder than it sounds. especially for someone ADHD). Those are reasonable punishments to me...they get the point across, and I remember them...and they are negative reinforcement. But for some reason he doesn't feel those are enough. quote: ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth Nani, Just a question because there are a LOT of issues here and others have addressed them better and with less pragmatism than me. If your Master was so upset with you to chat with this "boy", earning the punishment you describe; how happy is he going to be about discussing his planned actions with all those here on CM? Or will you hide this from him? I came here to explain myself and ask questions, because there is no where else to go where people will understand the relationship dynamic. Clearly he would/will be livid to realize/hear that I confessed all of this onto CM. I'm not sure yet, if I'm going to show him. Because I'd be pissed if I'd had a fight with someone and they went and put our information on a message board. It depends on what happens and how the conversation goes the next time he and I talk. quote: ORIGINAL: SylvereApLeanan As you have presented the situation, your master's instructions are inconsistent. You can't communicate with someone to tell him/her to leave you alone and have no contact with that individual. If your master's intent was for you to send a single message stating that you are not permitted contact with Person X and then block the person from contacting you again, your master did not communicate that effectively. That's his responsibility. That's what I felt too. But because I never asked him to clarify, it's seen as my fault. quote: ORIGINAL: Lockit I don't think he is thinking and a dominant not thinking or intune to the needs... all sorts of needs of their submissive can be harmful. I agree when you say he isn't thinking...I don't think he was either. Because we're in a LDR he usually has to plan quite a bit ahead before being able to come up here to administer punishment. The last time that he threatened this punishment I explained my fears and everything about it that would harm me...and I did this over a series of days, explaining more and a different way every day. I also wrote everything into an email that I sent to him, because while he communicates better on the phone, I have an oral communication disorder (yeah, I know, I'm just FULL of em, huh?) which basically means that I'm unable to verbally find the right words to say things. It means I put my foot in my mouth a lot and I have difficulty expressing things how they should be expressed or to the extent that they need to be. Over those days, he calmed down quite a bit, and never mentioned the punishment again. I think, honestly, that he actually stopped to think it through. He's a very emotional person, he'd just never admit it. [Quote]Original: tazzygirl on the flip side, your Master commanded you no more contact with these people. what i don't see is you mentioning if you had met your Master by this point, or if you were still just on line. has he also forbade you to speak with anyone else? Yes, we had met in person by this point, we signed the contract back in July. and yes, he has forbidden me to speak with anyone I ever had a romantic relationship with, or once had strong feelings for. This amounts to five or six people. I understand why he had me do it, though it was hard. I used those people as a safety net. It was massively unhealthy and it meant that I didn't move forward because I had something to go back to (even though I didn't like it or knew it was highly unhealthy.) I'm glad I did it, to be honest. [Quote]Original: tazzygirl punishment should never be given in anger. its the only time i advocate silence as a form of punishment, for this very reason. he was angry, he MAY have said what he did out of anger, and didnt mean what he said. That's what I'm hoping it is. It doesn't seem it, but...part of the reason he and I are together is that I'm the only one who can see his vulnerabilities. For a good ten years he withdrew emotionally from every relationship he had. He had affection for the slaves he trained but wouldn't allow himself to fall in love or honestly love anyone. (failed marriage- she refused to take her medication because she just didn't want to, and blamed her numerous affairs on her bipolar disorder. it was vanilla. it lasted two years.) The more I think on it the more I think it was just a reaction in anger. He can be very irrational, as can anyone. And I agree a punishment should never be given in anger. There is no lesson learned...only fear is created. And it's not a fear of getting the punishment for doing badly. It's a fear of the punisher. I know. My mother taught me that. quote: Original: SimplyMichael I am just not sure which lesson exactly you are refering to and before I rip you a new asshole, I want to make sure I have it right. Thank you...that's how I see his post too... quote: Original: califchick Okay, let's recap. 1. Old flame contacts. 2. OP does nothing, because Master told her not to talk to them. 3. Master asks, "why didn't you tell her to leave you alone?" 4. OP says, "because you told me not to talk to her." 5. Master then finds reason to punish her, "you should have asked me what to do." Um, yeah. She did what she was told and got punished. He never told her to do anything differently. 6. Another old flame contacts her. 7. This time, she tells them to leave her alone, and she is proud because she thought she did the right thing. 8. She gets punished again. Don't you think the MASTER should have made it clear, somewhere during all this time, EXACTLY what she was supposed to do should this come up again? Whether that is to ask him, to block them, whatever... sure doesn't sound like he did that. Dear god, thank you. That's how I feel about it!! See why I'm so confused? If I forget to do something, he punishes me, but takes the blame...and yet this time for something like this...geez. Thank you, to everyone again...except for those who seem to see this how he does and that is I fucked up and I'm paying the price. I don't mind paying for mistakes...as long as I'm not getting robbed in the process... I think what I'm going to do is email him how I feel, again, and hope that he'll read it calmly so he can stop and think. And yes, I'm 21. I've been told many many times that I have the maturity of a 35+ year old...but for things like this, yes, I sound younger. It's the inexperience and the unsureness, I think. Any other thoughts are truly appreciated though. Glad to see I wasn't getting something like "well if you fucked up and can't handle it then you aren't a slave." As for getting mental health help...therapy I tried, and it wasn't for me. The therapist looked at me like I was nuts, and even as she confirmed what was wrong with me she didn't believe me when I was able to name them off to her. I know me best, and I think I'm the only one who can truly know what works for me. I was a lot worse awhile ago. My main issue is co-dependency, which is the issue of lack of boundaries and feeling responsible for other people's feelings and happiness. It's because of the alcoholism in my mother's family, and the behaviors have been passed down to us, unfortunately, because of how we were raised. It's difficult to cope with. I am a bit of a basket case, yes, I'll admit that. But I'm not as totally messed up as I seem. Thank you so much...

GreedyTop -> RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified (11/6/2008 6:09:11 PM)
Nani.. I wish you the best here.. (ftr, I agree with Cali).. but I am going to suggest that you try therapy again... find a therapist that DOESNT look at you like you're nuts.. find one you can feel comfortable with. It may take some shopping around, but (despite what some people may tell you) there ARE good therapists out there...

AquaticSub -> RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified (11/6/2008 6:11:56 PM)
~Fast Reply~ Sounds like you've got a lot of fanastic advice. Regardless of what your profile says, I hope you - and others who may be in similiar situations - take some of it to heart. I do hope you give therapy another shot and don't be afraid to "shop" for therapists. I had to visit several before I found one that worked for me but I couldn't be happier with her.

KatyLied -> RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified (11/6/2008 6:22:19 PM)
quote: This one I started three days ago because my Master wanted me to find a female playmate for us because it was something he knew I'd enjoy as much as him. Oh, please do not bring another person into your relationship.

shatteredplaster -> RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified (11/6/2008 6:25:21 PM)
D/s relationships are built upon a solid foundation of trust. Just from this story, (from what you've told), this sounds like a lot of miscommunication that needs to be corrected. Do you feel that you cannot talk openly to your Dom about your concerns? If you don't feel you can then there is a deeper issue at hand and I would hope that you brought it to his attention if it was possible. If everything you said is factually true (reminder: truth = perception) then you need to find an avenue of communicating your concerns and feelings with him. I also think that you should be very careful with revealing what you have posted here, because if he gets that angry over a petty mistake (and yes I will call this petty), then I would hate to imagine what he would do over this. I also feel that, which a 3rd person point of view is helpful in some cases, you should not have come here with this so quickly but tried to talk to you Dominant. After making all due efforts to communicate how uncomfortable you are with this and that communication failing...I can understand. Did you attempt to communicate how grave the situation is? Are you sure that he will actually follow through with this and he's not just striking fear into you (fear itself can be a punishment). I only ask these things because when I get punished, my Owner knows that the fear of some things are enough for me. I hope that everything turns out well. There is a lot of good advice given on this thread, I think you should take some of it to heart and understand that you know your Dom better than everyone else here. You need to weigh what YOU know of him personally against the advice and ask yourself what the right decisions are. You said before that you make unhealthy decisions. I'm about the same age you are...it's time to take responsibility for those decisions.

SylvereApLeanan -> RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified (11/6/2008 6:25:22 PM)
I agree with GT. Therapy is not "one size fits all." You may need to try a few therapists before you find one whose style of treatment suits your needs. Please try again. As for whose fault it is that he instructions weren't clear...the bottom line is that it's *his. Yes, if you weren't sure about it, you should have asked. However, according to your OP, you attempted to do so by phone and text and he was not available. He should have made provisions for what you should do in that event. He's* the dominant. *He's* the one who must shoulder the burden of making sure his instructions are understood. Punishing you isn't going to be helpful when *he's* the one who failed to communicate. I still think you should put your relationship with him on hold until you can get into some sort of therapy, whether individual counseling or group. It will be better for both of you in the long run. Look at it this way: you want to be the best slave you can be for him, right? Putting your relationship on the back burner for a little while and getting your head straight will make you a better slave. Your relationship will be stronger for it.

MasterTslave -> RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified (11/6/2008 6:34:53 PM)
this would shout red flag to me. I think you should go away and never talk to him...jmo. Hope this helps you

Lockit -> RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified (11/6/2008 6:46:42 PM)
The man sounds like he has some jealousy issues caused from the past and this can be a real problem if not tempered, understood and dealt with. One should never feed into jealousy by obeying it. It doesn't get better unless it is addressed and if one caters to it, it only gets worse. I will not go so far as to say you have a relationship that you need to get out of, although my gut feels best with that, better to be safe than sorry, but I do think you both could work with someone else, even a lay person to get to some basic's and maybe form a better foundation. What I will say is that if your dominant gets angry fast or over little things... this combined with jealousy or past wounds would suggest to me a high potential for abuse of the physical kind and even if someone hasn't touched you wrongly, they can in a moment of heated emotion and you never can tell. Emotional abuse can change and most often does. It is hard to find a good professional, but maybe you could find a friend or two who can help you feel more comfy and get into some of this and direct you to someone they know that is professional. Many need a professional at different times in life and there is no shame in that. Those that resisit are often thought to either not want help and to face things. I do understand how one can feel about professional counselers, but believe me, there are some good one's out there, they just might be hard to find. At this point, even support for yourself in a group setting might be worth while. Without knowing you both, it is hard to come in and give advice and be correct, but I think with all that has been shared, there is good reason for concern and to get some help honey. I hope you will consider it. Best of all to you.

esherazi -> RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified (11/6/2008 6:53:08 PM)
fast reply You master sounds like an abusive & controlling asshole. No matter what you did- you would be punish for it. You need to run from this person and get your life together FIRST. Get some counseling and build yourself up. Do not allow ANYONE to trigger your PTSD. I have PTSD and believe me when I am trigger it can leave me horribly a mess for days, weeks, or months. DO NOT ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN TO YOU! I don't care if you are devoted and love this person. What does love have to do with it? Nothing at all. Time to make better choices for yourself...and quickly!

oceanwynds -> RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified (11/6/2008 6:53:39 PM)
One of the sad factors regarding not being able to set boundaries, people make excuses for the other person. It is easier then setting up a boundary or two. In her case, her Master is 'helping' her with boundaries, she hasn't yet learned to apply on her own. Been down that road a long long time ago, making the excuses, fighting for the person's honor etc, while trying to keep that relationship intact. I could tell you to get a good counselor and perhaps to find a local Coda(codependent annonymous) group, but that already has been told to you.

HisNani -> RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified (11/6/2008 7:03:25 PM)
You guys are awesome. I sent him an email a few minutes ago, asking him to please stop and think for a bit so he doesn't do what I do and sometimes let my emotions run away with me. I also asked that when he comes up here, we sit together, just us, and talk. Communication IS an issue, and I would like it resolved. Oh yes, jealousy is HUGE. I'm well aware of that one. He's very possessive. Seems to think the whole male population is after me. Ha. Ha ha. Ha. -.- not. And the interesting thing is, that because I was the one who was able to see through times where he was biting my head off over something stupid that there was something else bothering him. And, when he'd gotten all of the emotions out of his system, he'd admitted that I was right. I'm the only one, apparently, that's ever been able to see when he's afraid, when he's hurt, when he's jealous. Most of the time (okay, all of the time) they result in anger, and it's usually taken out on me by telling me I did something wrong and freaking out. But when I know it for what it is, I let it in one ear, out the other, and wait until he's calm until I ask what's really bothering him. Usually he gives in. This time was just...anger. I couldn't figure out if there were more emotions there, except jealousy, which I picked up on REAL fast. And I was so upset I didn't know how to handle him at the time. As for the therapy...I might try it again. I've debated it, but...I dunno, I don't know anyone who thinks like I think...I think completely way out there...not out of the box, oh no- there IS no box. Can't find it. That out there. And I'm complicated and, yeah, okay the other issues don't really help me out a whole lot...but I've found that since I can't afford a shrink right now (I'm wondering if there really is anyone left who can...) that meditation helps me a lot. Deep breathing, meditation, taking time to cleanse my thoughts and force myself to relax. It clears my head quite a bit, and I think more rationally. And I've picked up books on depression and things like that. I'd give you my whole list of issues, but...yeah, I think you'd no longer credit me with any sense of sanity whatsoever. lol So, I'm hoping I can at least recover on my own some, which I have been doing quite well, before I start searching for therapists that I can't pay. (Unemployment bites.) But thank you you guys...you're so sweet and it's nice to know that someone cares =) (most of you. not so fond of the people saying I'm getting what I deserve...I can't get my head around their logic...maybe they just think black and white...? I dunno) I'll def let you guys know what happens. I can't thank you guys enough. Especially for believing I'm not a troll! happy tear

Lockit -> RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified (11/6/2008 7:45:44 PM)
Why is it that these types of people try to convince us that we are the only one who has ever understood and gets them? Darlin... the last guy I ran into like what you discribe.. was a male dom who decided to make me a slave. He stalked me for two years online and ruined six computers of mine and friends of mine. I had to move six times and finally got rid of him by actually starting a thread here about him, in which I got flamed pretty badly, but he knew I had gone to police and FBI and was serious about not putting up with him any longer. I then moved, got a new computer and stayed gone for quite a long time. I had to become just as dangerous as he was to scare him off. Now I will say... it is time to shut things down and move away from the guy. Anger, jealousy and blame games and all you discribe is classic abuser and they are dangerous. I have studied the patterns and have worked in the field of domestic abuse for many years and most think they are the exception to the rules and can save the guy. Unfortunately the data proves that they were wrong and some of them got to find out by leaving in a pine box. You are stuck in a pattern and are classic in your responses. It is time to call a domestic abuse center, not because you are not safe maybe, but simply to get information and some counsel. I am typically very forthright and say what I mean and in this post, I very seriously mean what I say. Take it for what it's worth. But think about it. I am standing here getting very serious and could get very flamed... would I do that if I didn't believe I should?

GreedyTop -> RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified (11/6/2008 7:59:54 PM)
Nani.. there are counselors who will work on a sliding scale.. hug I hope you can get the help you need.. you are worth it!

SylvereApLeanan -> RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified (11/6/2008 8:25:18 PM)
Nani ~ If you need therapy on a sliding fee scale, check with your local health department. They can probably refer you to someone or they might have counselors on staff who will work with you. You can also check your local university. Grad students are required to do therapy as part of their degree requirements. Chances are good you'll be able to find someone who will work on a sliding scale and who is open minded enough for you. You should also encourage your master to seek some help for his jealousy and anger management issues when you sit down with him. Taking out his emotions on you is abuse. Period. End of story. He needs to recognize that he has a problem and work to fix it. If he's not willing to do that, then you need to have the strength to walk away. Isolating you from people is another form of abuse, even though he may claim it's for the benefit of your mental health. It won't get better, only worse. We can type at you and give you all sorts of reasons why you need to get away from him and get some help, but you have to be the one to take action. You have to want to get better, no matter what it takes to make that happen. Even if it means letting him go. Good luck to you. hugs

came4U -> RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified (11/6/2008 8:28:15 PM)
quote: The story: I have an inability to set healthy boundaries with others. So I kept in contact with anyone I'd ever been in a relationship with. the rest to me...was a blur of excuses. You are over 18 though, time to grow up. Keeping healthy relationships with ex's is a GOOD thing. When the exit plan is done properly, they can become peaceful reminders of our past or quite a simply friend for life, one who knows you, someone you can trust. You are still young, young enough to unlearn bad habits. Maybe you have been witness or have had terrible breakups? Stop this behavior right here and now. When it is sensible and a necessary that a relationship is not working and you know for sure it is over...be mature, do the right thing, make you points clear and decisive and notify the person in a tone that resonates "ok, we didn't work out, I thank you and value our time together but I honestly feel the true connection that I seek is not here'. Allowing someone else to not move on by then witnessing you trying to squirm out of seeing them is giving them an upper-hand on your emotions and this undermine the passionate decision you have made for benefit for yourself. Any decent (sane) person, would accept this discontinuence (it isn't like this guy invested scores of monetary value, children, a home, etc in you, is it?) and move on teary, yet quietly. A man chasing, stalking or begging is NOT an attractive option. Stand up for the right to choose if a certain person/relationship is not for you. Who in all honesty wants to even remain in one out of guilt? What kind of weak goon puts such pressure on to keep a gal? Exactly that-a weak goon that has no skill in wanting or interpretting what is in your best interest. Be responsible not only for the meet n greet of the persons that you choose to be with and for the relationship in it's entirety, but for the final last words said with maturity and grace in wishing them 'adieu'. If he/they choose not to accept these terms, do not pass go, do not give them 500 mili-seconds, do not make apologies, drop the conversation, close the virtual (mail/pm box) hold they have on you and move on. People only are pests to those they assume they can pester. Stop allowing anyone else to decide who can pester you and who cannot.

DavanKael -> RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified (11/6/2008 8:36:35 PM)
Counselors/therapists are like any provider of services: some are better than others; some suck and then they range to fabulous. If one doesn't seem a good it, give another a whirl; be a proactive consumer of your own healthcare. Most people are more assertive about their car maintanence than their healthcare and that strikes me as rather anti-logical. Check out the kink aware professionals on the NationalCoalition for Sexual Freedom site. Also, see if there are ProBono Counseling organizations in your area. Someone mentioned the health department. You may also ask for referrals through a glbt center. Call the State Counselor orPsychological Association for assistance as another possibility. And, most counselors/therapists work on a sliding scale. Davan

servantheart -> RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified (11/6/2008 9:04:04 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: HisNani I honestly thought I'd done something right...done something that he'd be proud of ....when he had told me I should have told them to leave me alone. ........He's told me he's going to punish me by beating me with his belt and cutting off all of my hair. (he knows I have post traumatic stress disorder related to being beaten. he also knows that I was teased my entire life and laughed at, and cutting off my hair will make me stick out, a target for negative attention, and cause people to tease and laugh at me again. Both of which, he knows, I psychologically can't handle.) ....... That punishment is going to make me afraid of any sort of touch from anyone...I will physically recoil. It's happened before. And to deal with the trauma of being made fun of for my appearance...again... I wouldn't be able to deal with being out in public. I have very little self-confidence as is...I'd have none whatsoever. I'd completely lose my personality. I'm terrified. He says my choice is face the punishments or leave. And I'm trying so very very very hard to please him. I feel like the child that was trying to make his mommy proud by pouring her a bowl of cereal for breakfast...but ends up making a mess and shattering the bowl. I only ever had the best of intentions. .......I'm so afraid... Please help me...I need someone who understands to give their opinion, their advice...please... Nani Take a good long, hard look at the reality of your life with this....thing. Then toss the fucking loser out of your life like the piece of lowlife trash that he is. [sm=pushed.gif] servantheart (who was once there [sm=danger.gif])

CalifChick -> RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified (11/6/2008 9:26:15 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: barelynangel Califchick, I understand what you are trying to surmis but she didn't do what he told her to do the second time, even you yourself posted what he told her to do initially: quote: Master then finds reason to punish her, "you should have asked me what to do." She didn't do that she instead decided what she wanted to do and in many way it put her in a spot of trouble by one having to deal with the guy, having to listen to I see what you're saying Angel, and I read it that way the first time. But it occurred to me that he never left a CLEAR directive (even if he thought he did, she did not understand it, and if the recipient of the instruction doesn't understand it, then it's not clear). Punishment (IMHO) should generally be for willful disobedience, not failure to understand. So he punished her the first time for not reading his mind, and the second time for ... well, I'm not sure what for. Since the incident came up once, he should have left CLEAR instruction for that situation in the future, even if that instruction was to do nothing until he said to. Cali

GreedyTop -> RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified (11/6/2008 9:51:55 PM)
to expand on what Cali has said, if she THOUGHT that what he told her was clear,how would she know to ask for clarification?

SimplyMichael -> RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified (11/6/2008 9:57:41 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: barelynangel Hi Michael, DoYOU really know if he is being abusive, i am presuming no you, just as everyone is following the stage act and only know a dramatic version of her side of the story. angel Frankly, neither of these people are ready for a relationship but yeah, if this guy was local to me, I would sit him down and explain why he isn't invited to any group I am involved in.

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