RE: bad Doms and the damage they can do.

Join Our Community

Collarchat.com

Home Login Search

RE: bad Doms and the damage they can do.

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> RE: bad Doms and the damage they can do.

Page: << < prev 1 [2]

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: bad Doms and the damage they can do. - 8/12/2004 8:50:31 AM

sweetpleaser

Posts: 689
Joined: 8/5/2004
From: Florida
Status: offline

Points well taken Estring. Now I understand your meaning also. Thank you!!! You are right that the sub should pay attention to any red flags and not let the fear of being alone impede their judgement.

Be Well,
ann

(in reply to Estring)

Profile

Post #: 21

RE: bad Doms and the damage they can do. - 8/12/2004 2:33:44 PM

WayHome

Posts: 237
Joined: 8/4/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Estring

sweet, disciplining a sub is a far cry from abusing her. The discipline is done to teach her what is the correct behavior. To make her a better sub. That should always be done with caring and never in anger.
As for the deep feelings a sub has, that is what makes her a good sub. But abusers can take advantage of it.
Many subs overlook red flags because they fear that their chance to serve will vanish and they will be alone. That is submitting from a position of weakness. A sub who serves a Dom who she knows will complete her and allow her to blossom under his control is submitting from a position of strength. And she won't ignore any red flags in the beginning.

Very well said!
Sometimes luck plays a role too. If a sub exploring is only exposed in the beginning to users and those with "red flags" she may come to feel that is just the way it is or that she (or he) is not worthy of anything else. One of the more satisfying things I can do in this lifestyle is to help one of those who is in that fragile newness to understand that she can give everything away and yet still have so much, but only if she gives to one who cares and is responsible.

I have probably handed out more "real" punishments for negative statements about self ("How dare you belittle MY slave like that.")or failure to see that her own needs are met ("If you don't take care of that body that you gave to me, then you will be very sorry.") than for any other sort of misbahavior.

(in reply to Estring)

Profile

Post #: 22

RE: bad Doms and the damage they can do. - 8/15/2004 3:08:00 PM

sweetsub0

Posts: 20
Joined: 8/5/2004
From: West Central Texas
Status: offline

Apartently stopping this thread was not an option, really i am begining to be sorry i started it, its turning into one great big pity party for sweet sub zero! A pity party really wasn't what I needed, i am uncertain of what i needed, (besides a good spanking i mean) KK, WELL lets A/all stop BOO HOOing now and get on with the happy side of being the wierdos of the world! YEAAAAHHH!![image][/image]

Attachment (1)

_____________________________

"...yes well, I am but mad north-northwest. When the wind is southerly, I know a hawk from a handsaw."

Shakespeare's "Hamlet, King of Denmark"

(in reply to Laura)

Profile

Post #: 23

RE: bad Doms and the damage they can do. - 8/15/2004 11:41:15 PM

swpea

Posts: 2
Joined: 2/20/2004
Status: offline

hello, am new to the forum and hope all of you will offer your patience with my ramblings *smiles*........

quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetsub0

i would like to know if any others have recovered from experiences with really bad Doms.

If you have answers please post them or e-mail me sweetsub0

quote:

If yPsychological conditioning does happen during dominance/submission activities, and it takes significant time and effort to extinguish learned behaviors and linked emotions. I wish you the best of luck.

--J

i had been with a so-called 'Master' for about a year and in a high end bdsm and protocol Master/slave relationship, this was real-time (never was into the cyber thing). there was deep psychological conditioning during this time and it was consensual and there was trust in limits. we were nearing the end of our first year of 'getting to know' and exploring each other. when the 'bad' occured (hard limits were violated) the incident was so traumatic it left me in a state where i was unable to function normally, my motor functions disconnected, just typing a sentence in an email took all the energy i had. it was just as difficult to disconnect from him emotionally.

thankfully i had experienced lifestyle friends who surrounded me and knew what to do to help as much as they could and they were there for me every step of the way in my 'reconditioning'. i had made a promise to go into domestic violence counseling (this was chosen as i had the symptoms of others having suffered this) for at least a year, this was not kink friendly so i had to do much of it on my own as well. i made it due to my own determination that when i was ready again i could go to Another whole. i wouldn't have been able to this without my leather family's support!

i ask some of you to not judge so harshly of those who have difficulty in 'getting over it', it's not so easy. please keep in mind that it is easy to step out of 'role play' if that is what the nature of the relationship is about, but for some, it's quite seriously lived. there are some who have submissive/slave traits that are a part of their very being, not something that can be turned off or on like a light switch.

i strongly agree with the suggestion made to get counseling, you will be glad you did that for yourself. going into another relationship right now would not be fair to you or Another.

hope you take much of the sound advice that others have taken the time to offer to you at this time. the choice is now your responsibility.

good luck,

swpea

(in reply to sweetsub0)

Profile

Post #: 24

RE: bad Doms and the damage they can do. - 8/15/2004 11:47:19 PM

Estring

Posts: 3314
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

I agree swpea that it can be very hard to " get over it ". That is why you need to know who it is that you are getting involved with first. And don't ignore any red flags that pop up.

(in reply to swpea)

Profile

Post #: 25

RE: bad Doms and the damage they can do. - 8/17/2004 6:26:37 AM

swpea

Posts: 2
Joined: 2/20/2004
Status: offline

agreed Estring! i had ignored the most subtle red flags, this was the part i had the most difficult time getting over, that i had ignored even the smallest thing was my mistake and a price i paid dearly for.

lesson learned: listen to one's own gut not what others have to say about another, helps a little but it won't always be a complete picture. i would say this to not only other submissive sisters, but to Dominants as well.

respectfully,
swpea

(in reply to Estring)

Profile

Post #: 26

RE: bad Doms and the damage they can do. - 8/17/2004 6:05:58 PM

Laura

Posts: 573
Joined: 6/22/2004
From: Ontario, Canada
Status: offline

Someone should write about bad subs and the damage THEY can do now.

I'm not really fond of that stereotype of the Dom as invulnerable and the sub as the poor thing. Doms get hurt, get peeved and taken advantage of too. Doms have to give a lot, it's not just sitting back and taking.

_____________________________

Bait & Switch - Adult column

(in reply to swpea)

Profile

Post #: 27