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teach a switch to be a good mistress - 11/14/2008 3:06:42 PM

AStudyInScarlet

Posts: 79
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline

hi there
i am a switch with little experience but i want to learn to be a good mistress to my boyfriend. so far we keep power play to just bedroom type activities but we're going through a rough time in our outside lives and we're finding that he needs to be more submissive and i need to be more dominant. any advice?

Post #: 1

RE: teach a switch to be a good mistress - 11/14/2008 3:17:05 PM

LadyConstanze

Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline

You could start easy and simple with making him do certain things, like giving you a foot massage, drawing you a bath, being your "bath slave" if you want to keep it erotic, or you could make him do certain things in the household and inspect them ;)

_____________________________

There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary
Those who do and those who don't!

http://exdomme.blogspot.com/2012/07/public-service-announcement.html

(in reply to AStudyInScarlet)

Post #: 2

RE: teach a switch to be a good mistress - 11/14/2008 4:06:45 PM

shymetalsub

Posts: 56
Joined: 9/24/2008
Status: offline

I hate to use the old cliches, but sometimes they just work so damn well... Why not buy some sexy boots? When I was with my ex, we were at a point where we were experimenting with a D/s relationship. It was a little hard to ease into a lifestyle thing for her because we had been vanilla for so long, but one day she met me in a nice pair of platform fake leather boots *they were still sexy as hell!*. She had always been an inch or so taller than me but now all of the sudden she was leaning down slightly to kiss me and just generally giving off an aura of calm, assertive control. The whole body language aspect can really change the headspace of both parties, and it's just fun as hell.

Feeding is another great one to compliment massages. Why not sit down to watch a movie with him and have him feed you? Grapes, chocolates, strawberries, marshmellows, it's all great.

Exploring new sexual territories can also be a great launching pad towards a D/s dynamic. Try to think of something you two have never done, and then do it, maintaining firm control all the while. There's a whole laundry list of things to try, from facesitting/69ing to ass licking to girl on top anal sex to role playing of all different kinds. Also, while some people might not like this suggestion, I've had fun with bondage in nonsexual situations. For example, when you're sitting around at home talking, try keeping him tied up and holding him for a while. It could instill a more "lifestyle" kind of submissive/dominant dynamic.

(in reply to LadyConstanze)

Post #: 3

RE: teach a switch to be a good mistress - 11/14/2008 5:40:19 PM

AStudyInScarlet

Posts: 79
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline

well we have sexy boots. we have lots of sexy clothes and things but putting them on always signals playtime. i can top in context just fine. if we've both agreed that "now is playtime" it's not a problem. i don't think i'm strong enough to be dominant outside of that context and he often ignores orders when we're not playing. i used to have him make me breakfast in his play clothes and serve me. but life has gotten hectic and he works constantly. we don't have time to sit around and watch movies or make breakfast. being tied up would waste time he could be working. that's exactly why i think we need this. when he gets stressed and is freaking out, all it takes is me putting my hand to his throat and he calms down instantly. wearing his collar around the house used to keep him calm but he's been too stressed to even do that. if i were a stronger dom i think he'd be much happier. i think i'd be much happier too.

(in reply to shymetalsub)

Post #: 4

RE: teach a switch to be a good mistress - 11/14/2008 5:49:09 PM

shymetalsub

Posts: 56
Joined: 9/24/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AStudyInScarlet

well we have sexy boots. we have lots of sexy clothes and things but putting them on always signals playtime. i can top in context just fine. if we've both agreed that "now is playtime" it's not a problem. i don't think i'm strong enough to be dominant outside of that context and he often ignores orders when we're not playing. i used to have him make me breakfast in his play clothes and serve me. but life has gotten hectic and he works constantly. we don't have time to sit around and watch movies or make breakfast. being tied up would waste time he could be working. that's exactly why i think we need this. when he gets stressed and is freaking out, all it takes is me putting my hand to his throat and he calms down instantly. wearing his collar around the house used to keep him calm but he's been too stressed to even do that. if i were a stronger dom i think he'd be much happier. i think i'd be much happier too.

Don't be so hard on yourself. You just said he ignores orders when you guys aren't playing. If you want something even close to a 24/7 relationship, he needs to be ready to obey. And what exactly do you mean by saying you're not a strong enough dom? Should you have to physically restrain and reprimand him upon his ignoring orders? I mean, he's a grown man and he has to take responsibility for his desires. Sit him down and talk to him about obedience. Tell him an order is an order. HE needs to be strong enough to fulfill your requests and your desires. It takes a lot of inner strength to submit to the will of another, and it sounds like you're at least taking things seriously. Is he?

(in reply to AStudyInScarlet)

Post #: 5

RE: teach a switch to be a good mistress - 11/14/2008 6:00:58 PM

LadyConstanze

Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline

I have to agree, seems he is putting everything on her which is just not alright!

_____________________________

There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary
Those who do and those who don't!

http://exdomme.blogspot.com/2012/07/public-service-announcement.html

(in reply to shymetalsub)

Post #: 6

RE: teach a switch to be a good mistress - 11/14/2008 6:11:17 PM

Untouched1282

Posts: 142
Joined: 2/12/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze

I have to agree, seems he is putting everything on her which is just not alright!

This is one of my issues with 24/7 power PLAY. You have to ask yourself if he really wants a true relationship, or if he's a kinkster who wants to take his play to a new level. I'd first ask both of you to do some soul-searching. It sounds to be like you're an adoring girlfriend who wants to take on a new ROLE for him. Perhaps he'd even be domming from the bottom? I don't know, I believe the power issue is a lot more about wordplay than it is anything of subtance. But make sure you BOTH want this, and that you're both on the same page.

Wine is getting the better of me, oh boy!

(in reply to LadyConstanze)

Post #: 7

RE: teach a switch to be a good mistress - 11/14/2008 6:39:04 PM

StrictnSaucy

Posts: 363
Joined: 1/6/2005
Status: offline

What I would do if I were in your shoes, is consider what I would like to get from this dynamic. If anything at all. Stop pandering to him in a Dominant way if its not your thing. If it is your thing, sit back and think about how you would like to do things or have things be done. If your just going through the paces neither of you will really benefit.

(in reply to Untouched1282)

Post #: 8

RE: teach a switch to be a good mistress - 11/14/2008 6:46:06 PM

undergroundsea

Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AStudyInScarlet
we have lots of sexy clothes and things but putting them on always signals playtime. i can top in context just fine. if we've both agreed that "now is playtime" it's not a problem. i don't think i'm strong enough to be dominant outside of that context and he often ignores orders when we're not playing.

Your reference to dressing up suggests that the clothes help you achieve a state of mind which is not had as easily outside the clothes. I think finding other ways to achieve that state of mind would help.

I think if you two compare notes on what helps you feel dominant and submissive respectively, and what helps you achieve that state of mind, you might come up with a few ideas to replace what is achieved by the clothes. The other discussions in this forum about how to keep alive the D/s dynamic amidst vanilla pressures might help.

When he disobeys orders, I would ask him about specific examples and why he disobeyed them. Perhaps he saw the order as unreasonable and there is basis to his objection. Perhaps he is being unreasonable. If he is not able to give you a good reason, and he does not obey, I think you should create a consequence. At first, the consequence can be a punishment made to fit the order (if he did not load the dishwasher, he now has to do the dishes by hand). If that approach does not work, the second level of punishment could be removal of a privelege, followed by not engaging in the D/s dynamic.

Can you institute small rituals in whatever activities you do currently have time to do together? Instead of elaborate breakfast, he prepares a quick one (waffles in the toaster, milk in bowl of cereal) but makes you breakfast before he has his. He sits by your feet as you have breakfast together or watch a TV show. Or if you don't have breakfast together, he uses your plate and utensils (that way there will be less to wash ;-) ). What ritual would help depends on what helps you each feel dominant and submissive.

During BDSM play, do orders enhance his submissive mindset? If so, does the delivery of the order outside the bedroom (the words, the tone) convey dominance? For example, "would you mind bringing me a glass of water next time you go to the kitchen?" will not convey much dominance wheras a more direct order would. If orders in general do not create a submissive mindset on their own, whatever does may need to occur first.

The comment about the collar suggests that the ritual is no longer as meaningful. Does the overall energy when he puts on his collar convey dominance? When he did put on the collar and it did work, what happened after he had put on the collar?

Lastly, what specifically is the objective? Are you two trying to have the dynamic there constantly and are you both on the same page about how much to take it outside the bedroom? Are you two trying to take BDSM out of the bedroom for stress relief? Is this objective consistent with current circumstances or should you keep it in the bedroom?

Cheers,

Sea

(in reply to AStudyInScarlet)

Post #: 9

RE: teach a switch to be a good mistress - 11/19/2008 3:14:35 PM

MsFlutter

Posts: 1305
Joined: 11/12/2008
From: East Coast
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AStudyInScarlet

..... i don't think i'm strong enough to be dominant outside of that context and he often ignores orders when we're not playing.

........when he gets stressed and is freaking out...

Sometimes a little tweaking is needed where two people are casting about for 'middle ground'.

Examine the information available at these places - you may find something you can use.

http://lovingfemaleauthority.blogspot.com/2005/08/mainstreaming-wife-led-household.html

http://spankedhubby.blogspot.com/

http://elisesutton.homestead.com/ (her e-books are a great read)

Your reference to perhaps not being strong enough is a familiar refrain. Your boyfriend's stress level is another familiar refrain. I know several males who swear to me that over-the-knee spankings are a wonderful relief valve for stress. (ya cant make this stuff up !) I personally love to spank - the reactions are always priceless :)

If he responds better during play, then mentally extend the play. Attach a consequence to ignoring orders. - and follow thru!

"I told you to make sure that (insert a task here) got done. You didnt do it and now I'll have to address it. Drop your pants and get over my knee!" (Have a ping-pong paddle or a paddle handy. Remove your rings if you choose to use your hand)

He will probably be shocked but stick to your guns!!

Bear in mind, if you make him bend over and grab his ankles, it hurts a LOT more because the muscles are now stretched. I'm not saying do it that way - I'm saying keep that in mind so you dont make it so painful he tags out completely!

Do some reading, consider the options. You wouldn't be the first to learn that you really enjoy the dominant role !

_____________________________

'Dont torture yourself, Gomez darling. That's my job' Morticia Addams

"The right data, filtered through an idiot, can yield a bad answer." einstien5201

(in reply to AStudyInScarlet)

Post #: 10

RE: teach a switch to be a good mistress - 12/7/2008 7:25:32 PM

AStudyInScarlet

Posts: 79
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline

let me preface this by saying that i do very much like being in the dominant roll. it's just that he's the only one i have experience doing it with. he taught me everything. so i'm still very much in a pleasing him mode and don't know how to get over it. we have talked about how he tops from the bottom. he asks to be put in a gag to limit that, but again that's just him topping from the bottom. he decides which submissive clothing he wants to put on. i spend the time trying to please him and lose confidence when i'm not sure he's enjoying it or i'm doing something he doesn't want to do. we both get frustrated by him trying to control things and by me not being able to. part of that is that it's taking me some time to discover what i want and enjoy. i also tend to think that these sessions are all about him. it sure feels like it's all about me when he's on top. i've told him that the next time we're together it's going to be all about me and i'm going to do with him whatever i want and he won't have a chance to top from the bottom. now i have to figure out what it is i want to do to him! i do have a few ideas and this is a huge step cause i can't imagine doing it without his pleasure being top priority. is this just a case of me being a switch and not a true domme? is being naturally dominant a mindset that you either have or don't? how does a dominant think?

(in reply to MsFlutter)

Post #: 11

RE: teach a switch to be a good mistress - 12/7/2008 7:46:26 PM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

I have a couple things to say from how I am seeing this situation. First of all... although some find stress relief in being submissive; being submissive is not a pass card for excusing not handling that stress. I'm not saying he is doing that, but I try to cover the bases. If he feels a stronger need to be submissive... is he in fact wishing to escape into something he finds pleasureable as you said it has been mostly in the bedroom? I wouldn't see this as actual submission, but more a time out into fun and escape.

If he is serious about being submissive outside of the bedroom and because he does top and you find yourself in that bit of a trap of pleasing him because of where you came from, I would suggest you prepare yourself to go tough love in a way. I would have a good talk with myself about it all and go over the reasons I need to stop his topping, the reasons I want this and how things are now going to be according to your situation. Then I would make him prove to me how serious he is. Time is an issue... energy and all that I am sure a factor, but how much energy does it take to kneel before you and tell mistress all about how he needs your favor and direction and state how far he is willing to take that and BEG for your dominance?

Since he has mostly been submissive in the bedroom... guess what? hehe Until he starts paying attention... no no no... playtime darlin! It is amazing how fast they pay attention when some form of chastity is implimented!

Now... I am giving my advice based on the fact that he wants more and outside of the bedroom. If he just wants more play time/kinky sex... well... if he isn't pleasing you and isn't holding up his end of things and you are making allowences even in a vanilla sense, you might consider why it is you want more control. Because it may be that you really do want to stop some things he is doing and would like to use dominance to do it, but you both are going different paths.

A nice and productive chat would seem to be a good place to start.

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!

(in reply to AStudyInScarlet)

Post #: 12

RE: teach a switch to be a good mistress - 12/7/2008 7:52:40 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

Why do you believe that a Dominant woman thinks differently than any other human being? I would get it if you were talking about if we were different creatures of some kind, but we're not.

There's one thing that I want to know before I get too far into My reply with you. My question is, why are you really doing this? Is it because you are trying to be whatever it is that your boyfriend wants to be or because things in the outside world are a bit tough right now, so you are using this to fix them? Some people do that. Some even have success with it for a little while. All I'm saying with that part is check your motivations.

I consider Myself to be a Dominant woman. There are people out there who wouldn't tend to agree with Me because I am not what a lot of people envision when they hear the term Dominant woman. I'm not bitch supreme, and I'm not hard, and I'm not looking out only for Myself. I have actual emotions and I <gasp> give a damn about those connected to My life and to My play.

I want you to do yourself a favor. One that I probably should have done for Myself when I started out. Take all of those concepts of what you think a Dominant woman should be, and toss them right out of your head. In their place, I want you to put those ideas of what you think the type of Dominant woman you want to be in their place. Take a single idea that you like, and build from there. Don't listen to what everybody else thinks you should be. You decide who that is. Not your boyfriend, not people on a message board, not what the stereotypes say. From that idea, you'll find your power. The greatest oak grows from a single, tiny seed.

I wish you well in all of your endeavors. I hope you'll feel welcome here as you start this new facet of your life.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to AStudyInScarlet)

Post #: 13

RE: teach a switch to be a good mistress - 12/7/2008 8:19:50 PM

DominaSusan

Posts: 75
Joined: 3/29/2008
Status: offline

Your post does seem to suggest that you are at a crossroads in your own Dominant/switch lifestyle. I have met many Dominant women and each one is unique. There is just no way to give a list to check off to see if you indeed prefer a Dominant lifestyles. I have been in your place about a year ago. My sub is my primary play partner and we entered the scene together. I had to discover for myself if I was indeed a Dominant or a service Top. Your strong desire to please your boyfriend might suggest you are a service top-but I get a lot of pleasure out of seeing my sub enter subspace and I am most certainly Dominant.

Last year I went through about 2 months where I would play with other partners and play with only my hands. I took away all the dressing up and camouflage and was just myself. Digging deep within myself I was able to see where I am within the BDSM lifestyle. There are many variations and I am sure you will find yourself. I would not worry about the outcome, so long as you are having fun and are fulfilled that's the important thing, right.

Good Luck!

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 14

RE: teach a switch to be a good mistress - 12/7/2008 10:05:10 PM

DavanKael

Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline

This doesn't solve everything and I haven't read all of the posts but you mentioned you hand across his throat helps him calm down and he is very stressed. How about adding, in addition to whatever you've been able to maintain with all of the stress that is going on, 5 minutes where he kneels on a cushion in front of you with your hand to his throat and the two of you making eye contact. It would be an intimacy, a power exchange, and a grounding tool all wrapped up in one.
Best wishes,
Davan

_____________________________

May you live as long as you wish & love as long as you live
-Robert A Heinlein

It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
-Me

Waiting is

170NZ (Aka:Sex God Du Jour) pts

Jesus,I've ALWAYS been a deviant
-Leadership527,Jeff

(in reply to DominaSusan)

Post #: 15

RE: teach a switch to be a good mistress - 12/8/2008 5:53:26 AM

cjan

Posts: 3513
Joined: 2/21/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Edited to emphasize paragraph

I want you to do yourself a favor. One that I probably should have done for Myself when I started out. Take all of those concepts of what you think a Dominant woman should be, and toss them right out of your head. In their place, I want you to put those ideas of what you think the type of Dominant woman you want to be in their place. Take a single idea that you like, and build from there. Don't listen to what everybody else thinks you should be. You decide who that is. Not your boyfriend, not people on a message board, not what the stereotypes say. From that idea, you'll find your power.

I couldn't agree more.

_____________________________

"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall ,frozen , dead, from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself."- D.H. L

" When you look into the abyss, the abyss also looks in to you"- Frank Nitti

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 16

RE: teach a switch to be a good mistress - 12/9/2008 7:46:54 AM

MistressDolly

Posts: 917
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Untouched1282

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze

I have to agree, seems he is putting everything on her which is just not alright!

This is one of my issues with 24/7 power PLAY. You have to ask yourself if he really wants a true relationship, or if he's a kinkster who wants to take his play to a new level. I'd first ask both of you to do some soul-searching. It sounds to be like you're an adoring girlfriend who wants to take on a new ROLE for him. Perhaps he'd even be domming from the bottom? I don't know, I believe the power issue is a lot more about wordplay than it is anything of subtance. But make sure you BOTH want this, and that you're both on the same page.

Wine is getting the better of me, oh boy!

Good advice!

_____________________________

m i s t r e s s d o l l y . c o m

m y s p a c e

(in reply to Untouched1282)

Post #: 17

RE: teach a switch to be a good mistress - 12/9/2008 7:57:40 AM

MistressDolly

Posts: 917
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AStudyInScarlet

let me preface this by saying that i do very much like being in the dominant roll. it's just that he's the only one i have experience doing it with. he taught me everything. so i'm still very much in a pleasing him mode and don't know how to get over it. we have talked about how he tops from the bottom. he asks to be put in a gag to limit that, but again that's just him topping from the bottom. he decides which submissive clothing he wants to put on. i spend the time trying to please him and lose confidence when i'm not sure he's enjoying it or i'm doing something he doesn't want to do. we both get frustrated by him trying to control things and by me not being able to. part of that is that it's taking me some time to discover what i want and enjoy. i also tend to think that these sessions are all about him. it sure feels like it's all about me when he's on top. i've told him that the next time we're together it's going to be all about me and i'm going to do with him whatever i want and he won't have a chance to top from the bottom. now i have to figure out what it is i want to do to him! i do have a few ideas and this is a huge step cause i can't imagine doing it without his pleasure being top priority. is this just a case of me being a switch and not a true domme? is being naturally dominant a mindset that you either have or don't? how does a dominant think?

quote:

ORIGINAL: DominaSusan

Your post does seem to suggest that you are at a crossroads in your own Dominant/switch lifestyle. I have met many Dominant women and each one is unique. There is just no way to give a list to check off to see if you indeed prefer a Dominant lifestyles. I have been in your place about a year ago. My sub is my primary play partner and we entered the scene together. I had to discover for myself if I was indeed a Dominant or a service Top. Your strong desire to please your boyfriend might suggest you are a service top-but I get a lot of pleasure out of seeing my sub enter subspace and I am most certainly Dominant.

Last year I went through about 2 months where I would play with other partners and play with only my hands. I took away all the dressing up and camouflage and was just myself. Digging deep within myself I was able to see where I am within the BDSM lifestyle. There are many variations and I am sure you will find yourself. I would not worry about the outcome, so long as you are having fun and are fulfilled that's the important thing, right.

Good Luck!

The above is sound advice for you, OP. :)

It is endearing how you enjoy making your partner happy and how open you are to exploring other avenues to accomplish the same. It's established you enjoy bringing happiness into the relationship through your submission and servitude to him, and you can also do the same through dominating him, too. Though, it won't work unless it feels real to you, i.e., just as your submitting to him makes you happy, gets you off and fuels your fire, dominating him must also get you off, give you happiness and inspire you. Try it out and see whether controlling, teasing, tormenting, seducing, and disciplining him gets "your juices flowing", if you will. Start in the bedroom - if that is fun for you both, explore taking it beyond service topping behind closed doors. I would suggest starting with baby steps, e.g., establishing protocols and sticking with them. If you both enjoy maintaining these protocols over time, chances are you have something there. Have fun!

_____________________________

m i s t r e s s d o l l y . c o m

m y s p a c e

(in reply to DominaSusan)

Post #: 18

RE: teach a switch to be a good mistress - 12/9/2008 9:50:49 AM

switch2please

Posts: 494
Joined: 12/5/2008
Status: offline

My first D/s relationship was like that, we started dating and began exploring the lifestyle. It started as just a bedroom thing, very similar to your situation. His work situation changed and he got very stressed, so one morning I hid all his underwear. I made him wear a pair of mine to work under his clothes, and it kept him happy all day thinking about what would happen later...they were tight, but that just kept reminding him that he was wearing silky pink girly panties, that he wasn't worthy of 'real' underwear. That was the first step out of the bedroom.....and we never went back ;)

(in reply to MistressDolly)

Post #: 19

RE: teach a switch to be a good mistress - 12/9/2008 8:23:21 PM

AStudyInScarlet

Posts: 79
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline

this is some very good advice. thank you all. now i'm going to try to process it.

(in reply to switch2please)

Post #: 20

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