Why not "try it out" on a vanilla partner?

Why not "try it out" on a vanilla partner? (Full Version)

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AAkasha -> Why not "try it out" on a vanilla partner? (12/20/2005 4:24:57 PM)
For those subs and dominants who lack experience or are seeking "real experiences." is there a reason you don't get your feet wet with an open minded vanilla partner? One of the big challenges I see male submissives face is when they are waiting for "Ms. Femdom Right" and end up not dating at all for long periods of time, so they are not only dealing with lack of BDSM experience, but lack of intimacy experience period. Is it just impatience that holds you back? Would some light roleplay, playful bondage, seduction games just not satisfy any part of you at all? There's a lot that can be done that would be tame enough that an open minded partner could be coaxed to go along. There seems to be this "all or nothing" criteria that people have - they want 24/7, they want "Master" and "Mistress" relationships out of the gate, they want to dive right in with the full arsenal of toys. Of course, for submissives of both genders, this is not as easy because you'd have to be the partner initiating the play. But for dominants of both genders, what is the harm in enjoying some lighter play while dating/romancing vanilla partners? You still get the benefit of practicing the communication, feeling the feelings, reading your partner and finding out what drives you. Akasha

Notanaddict -> RE: Why not "try it out" on a vanilla partner? (12/20/2005 4:32:49 PM)
i wouldn't mind trying it out on a vanilla partner, but i don't know hopw they'd react to bein asked to pierce me or gently choke me... also i feel it is something that happens naturally and if it is asked for it isn't the same... both parties just know when it is right to do it. and there are the aspect of safety... i would never let anyone that didn't know what they were doin either playpierce or choke me... I do get vanilla partners to hold me down, or i do the same to them, tell them not to move and smack them if they do move and tease them till they beg... they're not aloud to come until they beg... I think its easier "practicing" controll on a vanilla partner than giving it up... my opinion anyway

chocolatte2004 -> RE: Why not "try it out" on a vanilla partner? (12/20/2005 4:37:31 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: AAkasha Is it just impatience that holds you back? Would some light roleplay, playful bondage, seduction games just not satisfy any part of you at all? There's a lot that can be done that would be tame enough that an open minded partner could be coaxed to go along. There seems to be this "all or nothing" criteria that people have - they want 24/7, they want "Master" and "Mistress" relationships out of the gate, they want to dive right in with the full arsenal of toys. Of course, for submissives of both genders, this is not as easy because you'd have to be the partner initiating the play. But for dominants of both genders, what is the harm in enjoying some lighter play while dating/romancing vanilla partners? You still get the benefit of practicing the communication, feeling the feelings, reading your partner and finding out what drives you. Akasha i have no expereince with male subs and female Doms...and i realize the dynamic tends to be different (in my observation) however as a female slave i'll say this... When i was lacking expereince i didnt seek a "vanilla" relationship, because it would have been unfulling. Why would i get involed with someone who can not provide what i need? Yes, they may be able to provide some of the basics of play...but could he Dominate me? Would he understand my need to BE Dominated? Would i have to constantly "top" him to get him to do it? Why frustrate him AND myself? i had come out of a 13y marriage in which i expereinced that frustration with daily frequency. i wasn't looking for "something to do" or a way to "get my feet wet" i wanted a RELATIONSHIP. Of course what i wanted and was seeking is not indicitive of what everyone is looking for. Some are more casual. Some just want the "expereince" ...some only want "play". me, i had done a great deal of introspection, reading, soul searching, etc; to find out where i fit in this whole thing, and....i guess i'm greedy, because i wanted it all, Dominance, Pleasure, Plain, Guidance, Attraction, 24/7 and most importantly.... love.

nonuts4thshoney -> RE: Why not "try it out" on a vanilla partner? (12/20/2005 4:41:45 PM)
i think when you are new to this lifestyle and want to experiment, nilla ones are great to play with. Especially if they are very openminded. i think it gives you a chance to play and perfect your skills. And if you mess up, you both can laugh together.

Sensualips -> RE: Why not "try it out" on a vanilla partner? (12/20/2005 5:06:15 PM)
I have been doing that since I was 15. And having a damn good time too. I highly reccomend it. Just a few more years and I'll be ready...bwaaahahahahahah.

nonuts4thshoney -> RE: Why not "try it out" on a vanilla partner? (12/20/2005 5:08:33 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Sensualips I have been doing that since I was 15. And having a damn good time too. I highly reccomend it. Just a few more years and I'll be ready...bwaaahahahahahah. LMAO @ the evil laugh [:D]

peppermint379 -> RE: Why not "try it out" on a vanilla partner? (12/20/2005 5:12:28 PM)
I tried kinky vanilla with a vanilla partner, and found it unsatisfying. Without two people who know and understand the dynamic involved, it's just not worth it.

happypervert -> RE: Why not "try it out" on a vanilla partner? (12/20/2005 6:12:28 PM)
quote: But for dominants of both genders, what is the harm in enjoying some lighter play while dating/romancing vanilla partners? You still get the benefit of practicing the communication, feeling the feelings, reading your partner and finding out what drives you. Works for me. One theory I have is that a lot of folks have kinky desires but are inhibited about expressing them, so when I tell a gal I want to tie her up or do something else the answer is almost always "Ok!" because a lot of guys are boring or wimps and her inner slut is happy to find somebody to use her. It probably helps that I'm not a sadist and I can be quite happy with bondage, light sensation play and sodomy. But I can see how it might be more difficult for a submissive to get someone else to take the initiative

Wolfie648 -> RE: Why not "try it out" on a vanilla partner? (12/20/2005 7:52:05 PM)
quote: Why not "try it out" on a vanilla partner? Because most (all of the ones I ever encountered) of them go running at the prospect of anything other than hollywood romance. At least that was my experience. Never again under any forseeable circumstances. D (owner of j)

Sensualips -> RE: Why not "try it out" on a vanilla partner? (12/20/2005 8:09:58 PM)
quote: Because most (all of the ones I ever encountered) of them go running at the prospect of anything other than hollywood romance. I have had the opposite experience. Most of my vanilla partners have been willing to try out some bdsm-lite with minimal progressive encouragement. But...I wasn't asking for edgeplay or anything too hard core.

LadiesBladewing -> RE: Why not "try it out" on a vanilla partner? (12/20/2005 8:10:07 PM)
Actually, I think this is sort of what Aakasha is talking about. Sure, play piercing and breath play may be -way- too much for the typical vanilla partner... but maybe she'd -enjoy- tying you to the bedpost with her stockings and spanking you -- maybe roleplaying that she is an Amazon queen, and you are the geeky, nosy scientist she caught in her forest. It doesn't have to be the extreme stuff right out of the gate to provide some genuine enjoyment. Lady Zephyr quote: ORIGINAL: Notanaddict i wouldn't mind trying it out on a vanilla partner, but i don't know hopw they'd react to bein asked to pierce me or gently choke me... also i feel it is something that happens naturally and if it is asked for it isn't the same... both parties just know when it is right to do it. and there are the aspect of safety... i would never let anyone that didn't know what they were doin either playpierce or choke me... I do get vanilla partners to hold me down, or i do the same to them, tell them not to move and smack them if they do move and tease them till they beg... they're not aloud to come until they beg... I think its easier "practicing" controll on a vanilla partner than giving it up... my opinion anyway

LadiesBladewing -> RE: Why not "try it out" on a vanilla partner? (12/20/2005 8:13:51 PM)
I guess I've been lucky. I actually learned about the lifestyle from a friend that I had -no- idea was involved in stuff like this, when he bought me a pair of handcuffs and some "beginner" nipple clamps for my birthday (thank you, my dear green lion winks) I -never- would have started down this road myself, and frankly couldn't see the difference between BDSM and abuse... until someone took a chance and showed me the lighter side of the lifestyle... all because my kinky friend thought we might have some fun -- and who would have guessed what it would become! Lady Zephyr quote: ORIGINAL: Wolfie648 quote: Why not "try it out" on a vanilla partner? Because most (all of the ones I ever encountered) of them go running at the prospect of anything other than hollywood romance. At least that was my experience. Never again under any forseeable circumstances. D (owner of j)

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Why not "try it out" on a vanilla partner? (12/20/2005 8:50:26 PM)
I'm open to having vanilla partners, but they will know all about me being poly and into kink and stuff long before we get intimate (unless it's just a one night stand or something). Thus, they will accept it and want it. I don't really try and attract vanilla partners because it's unlikely they will be fulfilled as a partner to me. Plus I don't really have the time or energy to inculcate someone like that.

OscarHargraves -> RE: Why not "try it out" on a vanilla partner? (12/20/2005 10:19:02 PM)
That's how I got into BDSM.

tasha_tart -> RE: Why not "try it out" on a vanilla partner? (12/21/2005 9:16:23 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: AAkasha For those subs and dominants who lack experience or are seeking "real experiences." is there a reason you don't get your feet wet with an open minded vanilla partner? One of the big challenges I see male submissives face is when they are waiting for "Ms. Femdom Right" and end up not dating at all for long periods of time, so they are not only dealing with lack of BDSM experience, but lack of intimacy experience period. Is it just impatience that holds you back? Would some light roleplay, playful bondage, seduction games just not satisfy any part of you at all? There's a lot that can be done that would be tame enough that an open minded partner could be coaxed to go along. There seems to be this "all or nothing" criteria that people have - they want 24/7, they want "Master" and "Mistress" relationships out of the gate, they want to dive right in with the full arsenal of toys. Of course, for submissives of both genders, this is not as easy because you'd have to be the partner initiating the play. But for dominants of both genders, what is the harm in enjoying some lighter play while dating/romancing vanilla partners? You still get the benefit of practicing the communication, feeling the feelings, reading your partner and finding out what drives you. Akasha I had a very long reply to this, but it was starting to sound decidedly whiny, so I'll summarize (usual disclaimers apply...my opinion /experience only.) It might not be number one, but it's got to be top three: fear of rejection. Tasha

MsIncognito -> RE: Why not "try it out" on a vanilla partner? (12/21/2005 9:25:10 AM)
I can't speak for anyone else but I can say that for myself "coaxing" someone along isn't in the least bit appealing to me...I would imagine it can also skirt along some grey areas as far as consent goes. I prefer a partner who is openly willing and consenting, not one who needs coaxing. Also, you have to keep in mind the difference between the submissive mindset and the Dominant mindset. As a submissive I have no desire to coax anyone into something simply because to me that is a way of controlling. Not being in control is was it's about for me so having to be the one to guide and direct makes the entire endeavour rather unappealing for me.

AAkasha -> RE: Why not "try it out" on a vanilla partner? (12/21/2005 9:42:38 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MsIncognito I can't speak for anyone else but I can say that for myself "coaxing" someone along isn't in the least bit appealing to me...I would imagine it can also skirt along some grey areas as far as consent goes. I prefer a partner who is openly willing and consenting, not one who needs coaxing. Also, you have to keep in mind the difference between the submissive mindset and the Dominant mindset. As a submissive I have no desire to coax anyone into something simply because to me that is a way of controlling. Not being in control is was it's about for me so having to be the one to guide and direct makes the entire endeavour rather unappealing for me. Right, I understand that -- it's definitely not the same with a submissive. And it's far easiest being on the "female dominant" end of the spectrum -- let's face it, even the most vanilla guy generally won't turn down a gentle invitation to explore erotic power exchange. That's why on the femdom side I don't see it as "coaxing" -- I see it as "seduction" -- which in and of itself is a bit of a domination game. The challenge of course is reading your partner, getting him to communicate about it and making sure he understands. Akasha

MsIncognito -> RE: Why not "try it out" on a vanilla partner? (12/21/2005 11:37:11 AM)
It's not difficult on the female submissive end of the spectrum to get a vanilla guy to agree to some kinky play. I've had vanilla partners who were thrilled to bits that I wanted to be spanked or tied up (or down) or what have you. In the end, though, they needed a fair bit of direction and reassurance (all that social conditioning that you don't hurt a woman) and ultimately I discovered that my needs go deeper than where they were willing to go. In your original message you also mentioned a Dominant couple playing in this manner. I'd think this would be just as potentially fraught with issues. Who's going to be on the bottom? What if one or both of them bristle at the thought of being on the bottom? Ultimately what you're proposing is unsustainable and most people seem to be looking for something with a little more staying power. There's nothing wrong with exploring casually as long as both parties are in agreement but I find there are better ways of exploring than what you are proposing. quote: ORIGINAL: AAkasha Right, I understand that -- it's definitely not the same with a submissive. And it's far easiest being on the "female dominant" end of the spectrum -- let's face it, even the most vanilla guy generally won't turn down a gentle invitation to explore erotic power exchange. That's why on the femdom side I don't see it as "coaxing" -- I see it as "seduction" -- which in and of itself is a bit of a domination game. The challenge of course is reading your partner, getting him to communicate about it and making sure he understands. Akasha

KatyLied -> RE: Why not "try it out" on a vanilla partner? (12/21/2005 11:42:20 AM)
I think that "trying it out" with a van partner is easier for a Dom. I've tried it once. And he was a kinky guy, but just didn't want to experiment with the things I was hoping to try (bondage & spanking). I was open to new experiences with him, but he didn't want to go in those specific directions. I think it works better when you can determine some kink-specific things in common with a person of kink, instead of trying to "save" the van world.

SelkiePet1 -> RE: Why not "try it out" on a vanilla partner? (12/21/2005 11:45:45 AM)
A book I' am currently reading points out that in many cases, "vanilla" relationships do contain elements of what we would term BDSM; they just don't call it that! In fact, my Dom and I had already experimented quite radically before we actually realized and named our roles, thus adding yet a further dimension. But many of the things we did are most definitly BDSM - we initially just didn't call it that! I think that is true for many vanilla relationships - a lot of "play" is really a lead up to other things that would definitly fall within the realm of BDSM.

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