maskedsow
Posts: 137
Joined: 12/17/2005
Status: offline
|
Insurance agents never retire, they just expire.
Insurance agents are premium lovers.
Insurance agents do it with third parties.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Jim's barn burned down. Julie, his wife, called the insurance company and said, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money."
"Whoa there, just a minute, Julie, it doesn't work like that. We will assess the value of the building and provide you with a new one of comparable worth." the agent replied.
Julie, after a pause, said, "Well, in that case, I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
What's the best thing about turning 65? No more calls from insurance agents.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A woman was in the hospital after feeling very ill. The doctor says to her, "I have some bad news for you. You only have three months to live."
"Oh that's terrible," the woman sighs, "what am I going do?"
The doctor replies, "Marry an insurance agent."
"Will I live longer?" asks the woman. "
"No," replies the doctor, "but it will SEEM longer."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A insurance sales rep, an administration clerk and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I´ll give each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She´s gone.
In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He´s gone.
"OK, you´re up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of story: always let your boss have the first say.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Mr. James Barricks, was a rich old man was dying from a rare disease. On his deathbed, he called for his insurance agent, doctor and preacher:
"I trusted each you my entire life. Now I want to give each of you $30,000 cash in an envelope to put in my grave. I want to take it with me."
Mr. Barricks died and at the funeral, each one placed the envelope on top of the man, then he was laid to rest.
On the way from the funeral, in the limo, the doctor confessed "I must tell you gentlemen, I only put $20,000 on top of Mr. Barricks, I wanted buy this new machine that would enable me to diagnose his rare disease and save others. It's what he would have wanted."
Then the preacher said: "I have to confess, I only put $10,000 on top of Mr. Barricks. We needed that money to help more homeless, and it's what Mr. Barricks would've wanted"
The insurance agent was angry at both the man, and said: "I can't believe both of you, stealing from a dead man. I wrote Mr. Barricks a check for the full $30,000!"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A drunk wanders into the lounge of a hotel where an insurance convention is being held, intent on causing trouble. He yells, "I think all insurance agents are crooks, and if anyone doesn't like it, come up and do something about it."
Immediately, a man runs up to the drunk and says, "You take that back!"
The drunk snears and replies, "Why, are you an agent?"
"No," the man replies, "I'm a crook."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A super genius goes in to see a doctor. "Doc," the genius says, "I think I'm too smart. I'm having trouble even communicating with people because we have no common frame of reference, and it's ruining my social life. Can anything be done?"
The doctor runs a series of tests on the genius, and indeed finds that he is too smart. He says, "Currently, your IQ is 250, which is vastly superior to an average man. This is why your having trouble communicating. I do have a cure, however. I have a machine that will drain away some of your intellegence, leaving you with an IQ of 160. You'll still be a genius, but you should be able to lead a normal life as well."
The genius immediately agrees to the treatment, so the doctor straps him into the machine.
Just as the doctor turns on the device, he gets a phone call from his ex-wife. They have a heated phone conversation for several minutes before the doctor remembers his patient. He rushes back, and is shocked when he sees the IQ readout at 75.
The doctor says, "Are you all right?"
The former genius just stares blankly.
The doctor shakes him, saying "Say Something."
The former genius replies, "Can I interest you in a health insurance policy?"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Affordable Health Insurance
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Confusius Say:
Needing insurance is like needing a parachute. If it isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing it again.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Confusius Say:
Never argue with an idiot client. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
An insurance salesman, risk manager and a safety director are traveling in the countryside. Weary, they stop at a small country inn. "I only have two rooms, so one of you will have to sleep in the barn," the innkeeper says.
The safety director volunteers to sleep in the barn, goes outside, and the others go to bed.
In a short time they're awakened by a knock. It's the safety director, who says, "There's a cow in that barn. I'm a Hindu, and it would offend my beliefs to sleep next to a sacred animal."
The risk manager says that, OK, he'll sleep in the barn.
The others go back to bed, but soon are awakened by another knock.
It's the risk manager who says, "There's a pig in the barn. I'm Jewish, and cannot sleep next to an unclean animal."
So the insurance salesman is sent to the barn.
It's getting late, the others are very tired and soon fall asleep.
But they're awakened by an even louder knocking. They open the door and are surprised by what they see: It's the cow and the pig!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Last week I bought a retirement policy. All I've got to do is keep up the payments for 15 years and my agent can retire.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I thought my group insurance plan was fine until I discovered that I couldn't collect until the whole group is sick.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I bought a new life insurance policy but the small print is impossible to understand. All I'm sure of is that after I die, I can stop paying.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Life insurance is really strange. It's a weird concept. You really don't get anything for it. It works like this: You pay me money. And when you die, I'll pay you money.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Buying insurance is what keeps people poor so that they can end up dying rich.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A state adopts strict new insurance self study CE requirements for its agents. The tests they now require are very difficult, can take no more than an hour to complete, and must be taken at a certified testing center.
On the first day of the new requirements, an agent wanders into a testing center a half hour late.
"You'll never finish this test on time," the test administrator coldly states.
"Just give me the test," replies the agent, "I'll finish it."
Skeptically, the administrator gives the agent the test.
The time limit comes and passes and yet the agent still has not completed the test. Finally, a half hour after the test time limit, the agent brings his test up to the administrator, who is correcting a large stack of tests.
"You can't turn that in," states the test administrator, "you knew there was a time limit."
"Do you know who I am?" replies the agent.
"No", says the administrator.
"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM???" the agent says more forcefully.
"No, and I really don't care" replies the administrator, slightly annoyed.
"Good," says the agent, who quickly shoves his test into the middle of the stack the administrator is correcting and walks out the door.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
An elderly man about to receive anesthesia is on the operating table awaiting surgery. He insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon should only perform the operation.
The old man signalled to speak to his son. "Yes, Dad, what is it?" asked the son.
"Don’t be jittery, son, perform your best, and never forget that if it fails, if something should happen to me, your mother will live with you and your wife the rest of her days."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Dental Insurance from $8 a month
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Last night as I lay sleeping, I died or so it seemed,
Then I went to heaven, but only in my dream.
Up there St. Peter met me, standing at the pearly gates,
He said "I must check your record, please stand here and wait."
He turned and said "Your record Is covered with terrible flaws,
On earth I see you rallied for every losing cause.
I see that you drank alcohol and smoked and used drugs too,
Fact is, you've done everything a good person should never do.
We can't have people like you up here, your life was full of sin,"
Then he read the last of my record, took my hand and said "Come in."
He lead me up to the big boss and said "Take him in and treat him well,
He used to work in Insurance, he's done his time in hell."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, "You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"
"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."
"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"
"Yeah, and they're in favor 15 to 2."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Suffering from a bad case of the flu, the outraged patient bellowed, "Three weeks??? The doctor can't see me for three weeks??? I could well be dead by then!"
Calmly the voice at the other end of the line replied, "If so, would you please have your wife call to cancel the appointment?"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed.
"Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
With all of today's attractive accident insurance policies, a man can't afford to die a natural death.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A lawyer and a broker were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and the insurance company paid for everything."
"That's quite a coincidence," said the broker. "I'm here because my house was destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."
The puzzled lawyer asked, "How do you start a flood?"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The seven-year old girl told her mom, "A boy in my class asked me to play doctor."
"Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?"
"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
An insurance agent said to a customer,
"Thank you, Mr. Barricks, for your patronage. I wish I had twenty customers like you."
"Gosh, it's nice to hear that, but I'm kind of surprised," admitted Mr. Barricks. "you know that I file many claims and always pay premium late."
The insurance agent said, " I'd still like twenty customers like you. The problem is, I have two hundred like you."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Vision & Dental Insurance
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"Do you know the present value of your husband's policy?" the life insurance salesman asked his client.
"What do you mean?" countered the woman.
"If you should lose your husband, what would you get?" asked the salesman.
The woman thought a minute, then brightened up and said, "Probably a poodle."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
An underwriter, an insurance agent, an old lady and a beautiful blonde find themselves together on a train. The train passes through a tunnel and in the darkness a loud slap is heard. When out of the tunnel and in the light, they see that the insurance agent has a red five finger mark on his cheek.
The blonde is thinking: the insurance agent must have tried to grope me in the dark and mistakenly groped the old lady, so she slapped him.
The old lady is thinking: that guy must have groped the blonde in the dark and she slapped him.
The insurance agent is thinking: the underwriter must have groped the blonde in the dark and she mistakenly slapped me instead of him.
The underwriter is thinking: I can't wait for the next tunnel so I can slap that damn insurance agent again!!!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The applicant for life insurance was finding it difficult to fill out the application. The salesman asked what the trouble was, and the man said that he couldn't answer the question about the cause of death of his father.
The salesman wanted to know why. After some embarrassment the client explained that his father had been hanged.
The salesman pondered for a moment. "Just write: 'Father was taking part in a public function when the platform gave way.'"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Airman Barricks was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Barricks had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Barricks's sales pitch.
Barricks explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."
"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
James Barricks walks into an insurance office and asks for a job.
"We don't need anyone," he was told.
"You can't afford not to hire me," James said. "I can sell anyone, anytime, anything!"
"Well, we have two prospects that NO ONE has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, you have a job."
He was gone about two hours. He returned and handed them two checks, one for $25,000 and another for $50,000.
"How in the world did you do that?" they asked.
"I told you I'm the world's best salesman," James said. "I can sell anyone, anywhere, anytime!"
"Did you get a urine sample?" they asked.
"What's that?" he asked.
"Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000, the company requires a urine sample. Take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples."
James was gone about six hours, and they were fixing to close when in he walks in with two five-gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down, reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine. He sets them on the desk and says, "Here's Mr. Brown's and this one is Mr. Jones's."
"That's good," they said, "but what's in those two buckets?"
"Well, I passed by the Holiday Inn and they were having a state teachers' convention, so I stopped and sold them a group policy!"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The Story of Twelve Insurance Men
First man slept with his wife .............Home Insurance
Second man slept with his girl ............Mutual Benefit
Third man slept with a chorus girl ........New York Life
Fourth man slept with his secretary .......Employers Mutual
Fifth man slept with a hotel maid .........Travelers Aid
Sixth man slept with just anybody .........Metropolitan
Seventh man slept with nobody .............John Handcock
Eighth man slept with the woman next door..Royal Neighbors
Ninth man slept with an old maid ..........Prudential
Tenth man slept with grandma ..............Old Age Insurance
Eleventh man slept with his boyfriend .....Odd Fellows
Twelfth man slept with Charlie McCarthy ...Modern Woodsman
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Life insurance agent to would-be client: "Don't let me frighten you into a hasty decision. Sleep on it tonight. If you wake in the morning, give me a call then and let me know."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Three Insurance salesman were sitting in a restaurant boasting about each companies service.
The first one said, "When one of our insureds died suddenly on Monday, we got the news that evening and were able to process the claim for the wife and had mailed a check on Wednesday evening."
The second one said, "When one of our insured died without warning on Monday, we learned of it in 2 hours and were able to hand-deliver a check the same evening."
The last salesman said, "That's nothing. Our office is on the 20th floor of a tall building. One of our insureds who was washing a window on the 85th floor, slipped and fell. We handed him his check as passed our floor."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Several cannibals were recently hired by a health insurance agency. "You are all part of our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees."
The cannibals promised.
Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our CSR's has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals all shook their heads no. After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the CSR?"
A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Producers and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat the Customer Service Representative!"
_____________________________
|
you might wear the pants but she controls the zipper - 
Profile
New Messages
No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages
Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages
Locked w/o New Messages
Post New Thread