RE: Fixation, it's more common then I thought

RE: Fixation, it's more common then I thought (Full Version)

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ShiftedJewel -> RE: Fixation, it's more common then I thought (11/22/2008 10:55:59 AM)
*You got it darlin'!!!* *Well, nothing that I can think of would be something that I consider horrible. Watching a horror movie with Scooter might be... he hates them!!!* *Jewel*

LadyHibiscus -> RE: Fixation, it's more common then I thought (11/22/2008 11:02:38 AM)
The very SECOND I turn into a male submissive, I am IN!! Srsly! [8D]

ShiftedJewel -> RE: Fixation, it's more common then I thought (11/22/2008 12:49:25 PM)
*Ok fine... I won't subject you to twice's cooking then.....* *Jewel*

LadyHibiscus -> RE: Fixation, it's more common then I thought (11/22/2008 1:14:26 PM)
Oh now you are being MEAN!! OR was that the deal, he had to do his own cooking? That would be purely sad... I thought of a few more negotiations that headed south while watching Shaun of the Dead... so you are SO not alone. It's why I am so aggressive about avoiding fetishists. I love to play with them occasionally, but full time? nope.

LadyPact -> RE: Fixation, it's more common then I thought (11/22/2008 1:37:43 PM)
Interesting. I can certainly understand where the frustration crops up. Hitting on that one thing that someone becomes fixated with and then they can not let it go. Perhaps a case of the fantasy looming to become a reality frightened this person a bit. Getting them close to that, "oh, this really could happen" point. I realize the thread was inspired by a non kink proposition, but I'm going to go there anyway. Since I'm rather vocal about certain activities that I've enjoyed with some of My boys in the past, the fixation thing has happened to Me before. I've had a couple of folks tell Me that they thought they couldn't make a good sub for Me because of one particular thing (pick an example, strap on, m/m interest, chose what you like) and not being able to let that thing go. Even after I've told them that they are entitled to put such an activity as a hard limit, which would certainly be respected, they can't give up being obsessed with their opposition to whatever it is that is stuck in their brain. They can't get over the fact that I don't expect anyone to be a complete 100% match up with everything I've ever done, or I'm somehow not going to be satisfied if one particular thing isn't on the table. It can be very disappointing when I see the multitude of areas where there is a good match, but that one thing is such an obstacle to the other person, that they focus on it, rather than the obvious majority of areas that we do.

LadyHibiscus -> RE: Fixation, it's more common then I thought (11/22/2008 1:39:39 PM)
That one issue can even be a vanilla thing, LP. I've had that bite me in the snoot, too! Ah, rejection! [>:]

LadyPact -> RE: Fixation, it's more common then I thought (11/22/2008 1:43:38 PM)
I certainly agree. It can be a vanilla thing. For that matter, it can literally be...... anything! What always gets Me about it is how, once that fixation occurs, they fail to see the rest.

LadyHibiscus -> RE: Fixation, it's more common then I thought (11/22/2008 1:45:25 PM)
Yes, it's like a vicious circle that starts to spin out of control. I think it is a subconscious desire to get the hell out manifesting itself. They don't want to commit, but they don't want to say no.

Lockit -> RE: Fixation, it's more common then I thought (11/22/2008 2:53:55 PM)
My brain is half dead, but I will try to make myself clear here. I think that often times there is an underlying emotional issue or fear that has been touched upon and since it is typically fear based and may include more than one area or topic, they are allowing fear to protect them in a sense. Because they feel fear, they are seeing things as a red flag in a sense and are on alarm. They justify the fear rather than addressing the fear and use fear as a protective measure. Once they are afraid they cannot see anything but that fear. When this happens, it is a sign to me that all is not well even if in every other area they seemed fine. When one has a deep fear, whether that be fear of commitment or some kink or of being hurt and it rules them, they won't see anything but the object of their fear and since you touched on it... it is your fault, you are the one to be feared and they can see no other thing, especailly that they have a need for some healing. Then they will often twist the situation or your words as they are not thinking with reason and everything is fear based. They can become defensive or even more fearful because by now, they are surely projecting in the negative. They can't talk about it with you or even be honest because it is something they haven't dealt with in the past and can't deal with it now. They can justify their fear and from that point in my opinion there is no reasoning with them. The relationship wouldn't work no matter what you did because they are in control and their fear that they allow rather than face is the thing in control. They can no longer see you or even a situation and instead see what is in their head based from fear. I hope I am making sense... god... gotta love my morning brain!

PeonForHer -> RE: Fixation, it's more common then I thought (11/22/2008 3:33:43 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Lockit My brain is half dead, but I will try to make myself clear here. I think that often times there is an underlying emotional issue or fear that has been touched upon and since it is typically fear based and may include more than one area or topic, they are allowing fear to protect them in a sense. Because they feel fear, they are seeing things as a red flag in a sense and are on alarm. They justify the fear rather than addressing the fear and use fear as a protective measure. Once they are afraid they cannot see anything but that fear. When this happens, it is a sign to me that all is not well even if in every other area they seemed fine. When one has a deep fear, whether that be fear of commitment or some kink or of being hurt and it rules them, they won't see anything but the object of their fear and since you touched on it... it is your fault, you are the one to be feared and they can see no other thing, especailly that they have a need for some healing. Then they will often twist the situation or your words as they are not thinking with reason and everything is fear based. They can become defensive or even more fearful because by now, they are surely projecting in the negative. They can't talk about it with you or even be honest because it is something they haven't dealt with in the past and can't deal with it now. They can justify their fear and from that point in my opinion there is no reasoning with them. The relationship wouldn't work no matter what you did because they are in control and their fear that they allow rather than face is the thing in control. They can no longer see you or even a situation and instead see what is in their head based from fear. I hope I am making sense... god... gotta love my morning brain! Well, that made sense to me, Lockit. Don't you worry about the flow - it worked. [;)] Another of my half-formed theories: I'd say, it's a fear, and a shield against, their seeing themselves as "abnormal". As though the mind says, "If I do x and y, I'm just kinky. But if I do z - no, that's for the weirdos. I'm not a weirdo". Funnily enough, I've seen and heard more of that from dominants than submissives - though that's probably because I talk to more dominant women than sub men. A belief that goes something along the lines of "I'm not a sadist, and I'm not into using a strap-on on a man's ass. Therefore, I'm not a dominant - I'm just an ordinary gal, though with a few colourful kinks".

Lockit -> RE: Fixation, it's more common then I thought (11/22/2008 3:42:01 PM)
LOL... I think a person can be dominant without all the kink. You either are or you aren't. Whether you bend people over and stick things where the sun doesn't shine or you are sadistic or not or whatever, doesn't make you a dominant or not. Dominant to me is a personality or way about you in whatever you do or do not do. It isn't the action that makes you dominant.

PeonForHer -> RE: Fixation, it's more common then I thought (11/22/2008 4:01:50 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Lockit LOL... I think a person can be dominant without all the kink. You either are or you aren't. Whether you bend people over and stick things where the sun doesn't shine or you are sadistic or not or whatever, doesn't make you a dominant or not. Dominant to me is a personality or way about you in whatever you do or do not do. It isn't the action that makes you dominant. Well you know that, I know that, but . . . . [;)] OK, back to the sub's view, then. I remember, only six weeks ago, that only a small range of "activities" would be involved in any sub/domme relationship for me. Then I went through a little process - as wonderfully described by Otters above - and that all changed. I'd still say the same: as a sub, you accept the whole lot of the submissiveness in you, you can then control it. If you don't accept it all, you're just going to trip over arbitrary obstacles. Control, and semi-suppression, are absolutely not the same things. The first works, the second doesn't. Or it doesn't and didn't in my case, anyway.

Lockit -> RE: Fixation, it's more common then I thought (11/22/2008 4:22:55 PM)
I agree with you Peon... I think that is what I was trying to say. But I think my head is kind of up where the sun doesn't shine today. lol Gotta love a good ol headache fog!

ShiftedJewel -> RE: Fixation, it's more common then I thought (11/22/2008 4:40:39 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Lockit My brain is half dead, but I will try to make myself clear here. I think that often times there is an underlying emotional issue or fear that has been touched upon and since it is typically fear based and may include more than one area or topic, they are allowing fear to protect them in a sense. Because they feel fear, they are seeing things as a red flag in a sense and are on alarm. They justify the fear rather than addressing the fear and use fear as a protective measure. Once they are afraid they cannot see anything but that fear. When this happens, it is a sign to me that all is not well even if in every other area they seemed fine. When one has a deep fear, whether that be fear of commitment or some kink or of being hurt and it rules them, they won't see anything but the object of their fear and since you touched on it... it is your fault, you are the one to be feared and they can see no other thing, especailly that they have a need for some healing. Then they will often twist the situation or your words as they are not thinking with reason and everything is fear based. They can become defensive or even more fearful because by now, they are surely projecting in the negative. They can't talk about it with you or even be honest because it is something they haven't dealt with in the past and can't deal with it now. They can justify their fear and from that point in my opinion there is no reasoning with them. The relationship wouldn't work no matter what you did because they are in control and their fear that they allow rather than face is the thing in control. They can no longer see you or even a situation and instead see what is in their head based from fear. I hope I am making sense... god... gotta love my morning brain! I never thought of it that way and WOW, did you nail it!!! It's almost like he's gotten himself into a brick corner and not only can he not get out of it, but he can't see past it either. Hearing (reading) what you said has brought a lot more clarity to me and I really appreciate it!! *And no LH, he wasn't going to have to cook for himself. Which would have been bad considering that now if it isn't made in a deep fryer he doesn't know how to make it.* LP, I know it can be about anything. I've had them loose their mind because my husband is a dominant as well and they just keep saying, "I'm not bi, I can't do that!!" Even when I tell them it isn't an issue because my husband is straight as an arrow and not a drop of curiousity. They just keep saying, nope, I can't do that... I'm not bi. The ability to hear or read seems to be the first one to go. And I really appreciate the input from the males s-types here and would be curious if at any point have any of you fixated in a similar way? To discover something that you just couldn't get past no matter what? And I don't mean hard limits, I mean have you ever found something that so overwhelmed you that nothing else seemed to matter? *Not sure how clear that was... probably about as clear as mud.* *Jewel*

OttersSwim -> RE: Fixation, it's more common then I thought (11/22/2008 8:06:15 PM)
Uh...yea...crossdressing and being transgendered for me. I nearly destroyed my marriage over it - wanting and needing for my wife to not only accept this part of me, but also embrace it and share in it. I was in total denial, had stuffed it for so long that once I got near a woman who even seemed remotely open to the concept, I nearly drowned her in it. It was NOT GOOD and I was just so fucked up. Thankfully, she loved me enough to go through counseling with me and I learned that I had no right to insist and press that part of me on her. We learned together that being transgendered was not bad or evil or even wrong...it just was, and it was something that I needed to acknowlege and honor and give space too - and she needed to give me that space and understanding even if she did not want to participate in it. That is how I learned the concept of balancing this aspect of my life, and now of my submission. I am extremely lucky. I found a Lady that loves and appreciates my girly side, and I am careful to not let it overwhelm my service to her. [:)]

DavanKael -> RE: Fixation, it's more common then I thought (11/22/2008 8:23:24 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ShiftedJewel See, normally I would absolutely agree with you. But this one went so far as to write to twice with the "OMG, she's upset with me... what do I do?" thing. She replied, told him about the single issue that really isn't an issue at all. He never replied to her after that. Then when I finally broke down and wrote to him... his reply was all about that issue.... grrr. No, it had nothing to do with kink. He was concerned about not working. About giving up his house and all that. I told him NOT to consider selling his house (that was his idea in the first place), I told him not to even consider selling so much as a book. He could come here, transfer his job and rent out his house until such a time that he was confident enough to do anything else. In the mean time I told him that any and all income from him would be his and his alone. We don't need the money. So I get this reply... but I don't want to quit working. *I don't normally use emots... but [sm=banghead.gif]* *Jewel* Hi, Jewel---- I read and, I think, offered a comment on Twice's thread earlier. Let me see if I understand: This s-type has been under consideration for quite some time now and one of the house rules is that ultimately, s-types don't work. He's freaking about the idea of not working even though you have conveyed to him that you don't want him to stop working or to sell his house until y'all are sure everything is going to work out for everyone. Seems reasonable. The statement is "...but I don't want to quit working." Okay, assuming that that is a straight-up statement and he's expressing a truism that exists for him right now, what does working mean to him? What does not working mean to him? To some, their work is a huge part of their identity, for others it connotes safety/security, perhaps it is a means of feeling like he is being most holistically himself, I don't know him but you guys do, so what do you think is the self-talk/fear that is underlying this? Have you queried him about this and, if so, what does he say? Wishing you and yours well, Davan

chiaThePet -> RE: Fixation, it's more common then I thought (11/22/2008 9:02:33 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BitchGoddessD quote: ORIGINAL: ShiftedJewel quote: ORIGINAL: chiaThePet As sad a situation that it creates, and despite the disappointment which follows, consuming liver and onions shall always be delegated to the forbidden zone. Brussel sprouts, negotiable. chia* (the pet) The only thing liver is good for is fishing for catfish... and that's only after you've set it out in the sun to get really smelly. Jewel But I love liver and onions. And fois gras is to die for. [:D] Mom? chia* (the pet)

FullfigRIMAAM1 -> RE: Fixation, it's more common then I thought (11/23/2008 1:04:46 AM)
I'm sorry about that happening to you. Unfortunately a lot of people are ambivalent about doing wiitwd in real life. I know one or two who desperately want it, and when they need it, it's like needing a crack fix from the way they behave (and from what I've been told); and than they can't make the next move when I ask; the one that would reconcile their actions with their words. So, you move on to the next and enjoy all that you already have. Shrugs M

LadyPact -> RE: Fixation, it's more common then I thought (11/23/2008 5:34:16 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ShiftedJewel LP, I know it can be about anything. I've had them loose their mind because my husband is a dominant as well and they just keep saying, "I'm not bi, I can't do that!!" Even when I tell them it isn't an issue because my husband is straight as an arrow and not a drop of curiousity. They just keep saying, nope, I can't do that... I'm not bi. The ability to hear or read seems to be the first one to go. *Jewel* You aren't kidding on that one! In fact, it far outweighs all of the others combined. It's funny how that becomes the automatic assumption, even when you tell them everything to the contrary.

ShiftedJewel -> RE: Fixation, it's more common then I thought (11/23/2008 5:47:29 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DavanKael quote: ORIGINAL: ShiftedJewel See, normally I would absolutely agree with you. But this one went so far as to write to twice with the "OMG, she's upset with me... what do I do?" thing. She replied, told him about the single issue that really isn't an issue at all. He never replied to her after that. Then when I finally broke down and wrote to him... his reply was all about that issue.... grrr. No, it had nothing to do with kink. He was concerned about not working. About giving up his house and all that. I told him NOT to consider selling his house (that was his idea in the first place), I told him not to even consider selling so much as a book. He could come here, transfer his job and rent out his house until such a time that he was confident enough to do anything else. In the mean time I told him that any and all income from him would be his and his alone. We don't need the money. So I get this reply... but I don't want to quit working. *I don't normally use emots... but [sm=banghead.gif]* *Jewel* Hi, Jewel---- I read and, I think, offered a comment on Twice's thread earlier. Let me see if I understand: This s-type has been under consideration for quite some time now and one of the house rules is that ultimately, s-types don't work. He's freaking about the idea of not working even though you have conveyed to him that you don't want him to stop working or to sell his house until y'all are sure everything is going to work out for everyone. Seems reasonable. The statement is "...but I don't want to quit working." Okay, assuming that that is a straight-up statement and he's expressing a truism that exists for him right now, what does working mean to him? What does not working mean to him? To some, their work is a huge part of their identity, for others it connotes safety/security, perhaps it is a means of feeling like he is being most holistically himself, I don't know him but you guys do, so what do you think is the self-talk/fear that is underlying this? Have you queried him about this and, if so, what does he say? Wishing you and yours well, Davan I've even told him that if he decided to move here he could continue working until he was comfortable with giving it up. And that he didn't need to sell his home... he didn't need to give up anything that could be construed as his personal security. That's as far as I will compromise. Even that is a stretch for us, Scooter is retiring in a few months and we would really like to be able to travel and it just would feel toooo wrong for us to go on month long vacations and have to leave someone at home because of an outside job. The biggest point though is the complete fixation on that one point. I can ask him how he feels about this or that, why he feels this way or that way... but none of it gets through that brick wall. Surely someone has experienced it from either side of the kneel and knows a way around it?? Like I said, normally I would have just blown it off but it seems to be bothering him as much as it does me. *Jewel*

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