RE: Long Distance Relationship

RE: Long Distance Relationship (Full Version)

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LumusandtheLady -> RE: Long Distance Relationship (11/29/2008 12:46:15 PM)
[sm=dunno.gif] LDR's work just like short distance ones - with trust, honesty, open communication and hard work on the part of both parties. There might be some compromises made that wouldn't be necessary in a local relationship but if the person means that much to you, you do what you have to do. And yes, they can work. As evidenced by Lumus and myself who as many know, met right here on CM while living 2300 miles apart. Some don't work, I've had some fail for various reasons like lying, moving on with our lives, you name it but they can also work wonderfully. I've also met some wonderful friends that started out LDR from here too. [;)] Rain

pixidustpet -> RE: Long Distance Relationship (12/1/2008 12:06:44 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: YourhandMyAss I have had all my LD's end for reasons other than the distance. First one we ended because I had lied to him and been extreamly disrespectful in the process to. One in particular the guy said he needed some time away from relationship duties to work some emotional crap out, and then never did anything he said he'd do to work on the crap. And I gave him 6 months to. And then after I broke up with him, cause he said he just couldn't handle a relationship, in a few days he was dating someone I'd considered a best friend. YhMA, while i do understand about beating the dead horse on the subject of cheating, i looked at this reply of yours and you're actually agreeing. in both instances there was dishonesty going on....your admission of being dishonest with your partner, then the second he was dishonest with you. no, its not exactly the same as cheating, but it is dishonesty... and if you're going to trust someone enough to let them perform acts of physical violence towards you (spanking and anything past that) you need to be sure they're trustworthy, in my opinion. if that partner has started out the relationship in a lie how many other things might they be casually dishonest about? their true age? their real name? where they live/work/their ability to string you along till you're emotionally attached then casually drop the "of course this is all going to have to be kept secret because my wife/family/kids/work cant hear a bit of it"? those past domestic violence arrests? that prison record for beating onr of the ex-partners half to death for daring to disagree with the domly-dom? (note: this is all hyperbole and speculation. but you can see the over-the-top point i'm making about if one lie is allowable, all lies are.) i've BEEN lied to about marital status/ability to play outside the marriage boundaries. when she found out? it was NOT pretty all the way around. i ended up hurt....she ended up hurt but wouldnt divorce him, she chose instead to make his life miserable every damn day for the rest of the eternity they will be married. now the original poster? is choosing to do something i disagree with. does it make him a bad person? perhaps not. does it make him a dishonest one that i wouldnt trust? absolutely. kitten

stella41b -> RE: Long Distance Relationship (12/1/2008 3:38:04 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MissEnchanted Personally I do not think LDRs work. been there, done that and sadness ensued from unmet needs. Oh right, so because your LDRs haven't worked out you think that no LDR will work out. How about the possibility that you didn't meet the right person or that the relationship failed for other reasons other than the distance between you? I mean, you don't measure your feelings according to the proximity someone is to your home, do you? A heart doesn't recognize distance, and you can love someone on the other side of the world just as much as if they're standing there right beside you. I speak from experience, I've started a few successful international LDRs and I have just entered another one. But IMHO an LDR is exactly like an online relationship, the chances of it working out and fulfilling someone's needs, desires and feelings are slim to nil if there's no progression and it's not moving towards a much more realistic basis for a successful relationship. Distance doesn't matter because a successful relationship is formed of two people who are compatible, committed to each other and to the relationship enough to make it work. Blaming distance for the breakdown of a relationship I'm sorry is a poor excuse. Also it's worth bearing in mind that the potential value of the relationship to your life and your feelings for that person should heavily outweigh the sacrifices and changes necessary for that relationship to work. If that person really doesn't rock your world, and I mean really rock your world (sharp burst of Orff's Carmina Burrina) then entering or starting an LDR is always going to be a hit and miss affair. And for those people who are going on about being judgmental here. I'm not being judgmental. To me it's simple cause and effect. If the guy can't be arsed to be open and honest with his wife, and if he can't be arsed to go see his submissive then there's really only one person responsible for his situation. "Mirror mirror on the wall, I can't seem to find my balls.."

oceanwynds -> RE: Long Distance Relationship (12/1/2008 4:13:13 PM)
Hi OP I am going to skip over both of your marriages. You both have been honest about being in marriages, that does not fulfill your desires. You maintain an on-line relationship for 3 years. You are asking how LDR hold up, and the answer is it isn't easy. It will be harder in your case, simply because you have other obligations to adhere too. So you pick out what you both have in common and you build on it. You feel you might be a dominant, so you need to read up on that, as she does submissive. There is a lot of information in the search on how to cope with being apart. Trust and faith is a core that is needed in all relationships and especially in this lifestyle and on -line. It is easy to lose, for many reasons. Does it work? Only time can tell, and what you two can honestly expect from each other. Limitations though will usually drown a relationship. oceanwynds

roland23 -> RE: Long Distance Relationship (12/2/2008 12:13:16 PM)
I thought this was about LDRs. I am currently in one with a sub and it is simply wonderful. Although we only see each other occassionally. She lives on the East Coast, I live in the Midwest, but when we get together it is total bliss. It is like we are the only people on the planet. Her estranged husband and her boyfriend are not aware of us. Although Collarme is a fantastic site, the constant whining about "cheating".(Does a BDSM scene with NO SEX constitute cheating?) Many of the people on this site have found that ONE person who is their eveything. I am so happy for you. Most of the rest of us down here on planet Earth are not as lucky. Unfortunately, people change people evolve and sometimes they evolve into BDSM while their partner does not and NEVER WILL. The preaching about "cheating" is really getting boring!!!!!!

DesFIP -> RE: Long Distance Relationship (12/2/2008 12:33:59 PM)
In my experience by the time most people give up and seek fulfillment outside of marriage, the marriage is in name only. It is at that point an ecomonic construct maintained for financial stability, usually for the offspring. I'm not big on running out and knowing your kids will be living in the family car with your ex because she doesn't earn enough to keep a roof over their heads. Especially if she's been a stay at home wife. But if the marriage is dead inside for both of you, and the both of you are not committed to changing things ie you've been to couple therapy and neither will compromise nor follow recommendations, then if you can split and the kids are safe you do so. If you can't, then you cohabitate in the household until you can divorce. Beyond that, a LDR with no possibility of meeting isn't very real to me. I don't think either party can make the other a priority when they are just pixels on a screen. For a short time, while NRE is fueling it? Sure. Long term? Not very likely. The fact that the OP has maintained a strong cyber relationship for three years is admirable. The fact that he has not demonstrated the ability to pick a compatible partner in his life on multiple occasions is worrisome. It is easy to see the person you've never met as your One when they are in fact only a figment of your imagination. In imagination, this partner is always made up in high heels and hot outfits. In reality, the both of you are more likely to be in work clothes and sweats at home to relax. It's easy to say all the right things online and on the phone when you know it is a brief break from doing a mountain of laundry or mowing the lawn. All it is, is a break from reality. Just one step up from a fantasy. I would recommend the OP work on his own issues if he ever wants to be in a successful real time relationship.

Blaakmaan -> RE: Long Distance Relationship (12/2/2008 1:09:09 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP In my experience by the time most people give up and seek fulfillment outside of marriage, the marriage is in name only. It is at that point an ecomonic construct maintained for financial stability, usually for the offspring. Well, we've been down this road before... I'm a married man who maintains a profile on this website, and I can assure you that you are wrong about that. I have no idea how much "experience" your experience actually is, but it couldn't possibly be enough to support such a fantastically broad statement. OP, if this thread holds true to form, you'll get no shortage of posts casting aspersions on the idea of a married person being here without the consent of his or her spouse. I have never ceased to be amazed at how much judgment so-called non-judgmental people express on the subject. Let it roll right off your back! If you've already been in a long distance relationship for 3 years, you clearly know how to maintain one. With respect to how to be a more fulfilling Dom at such a distance, I can only guess, although I maintain an online relationship with a submissive, too. If you have established a D/s relationship with her that has lasted this long, you are obviously doing something right. If she's not complaining that your Dominance is not fulfilling enough for her, why change what you're doing? Why fix what's not broken (now if your Dominance is not fulfilling enough for you, that's a different issue...)? With respect to meeting a compatible submissive where you are, good luck! I wish I had the answer to that question myself! More than a few submissives in your area are probably on this website, but so are many more Dominants. I think that sometimes this is not the best place to look. Submissive women are to be found everywhere. You just have to figure out who they are. A wild thought (maybe not so wild)! Maybe you can find another submissive or a switch through whom you can act on your submissive. Somebody who would perhaps be willing to tie your sub up or spank her for you, without becoming competition. Just a thought! Good luck! I think you're doing just fine as you are!

Usako -> RE: Long Distance Relationship (12/2/2008 1:46:29 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: roland23 Her estranged husband and her boyfriend are not aware of us. Although Collarme is a fantastic site, the constant whining about "cheating".(Does a BDSM scene with NO SEX constitute cheating?) Many of the people on this site have found that ONE person who is their eveything. I am so happy for you. Most of the rest of us down here on planet Earth are not as lucky. Unfortunately, people change people evolve and sometimes they evolve into BDSM while their partner does not and NEVER WILL. The preaching about "cheating" is really getting boring!!!!!! Of course it's getting boring to a cheater. A husband, a boyfriend AND you? And you think she gives a crap about you if she's willing to cheat on so many many? l-m-a-o I'm happy on planet Earth, single but I not dirty enough to cheat or be with a cheater. "Once a cheater always a cheater" they say. Why would I want to be with someone who already so easily cheats on others and actually trust they'll be ok with me. Of course people change and relationships change, that's why people need to be HONEST with themself and their partner and not string people along. I'd rather get dumped than be cheated on. And yes, in my mind BDSM with no sex is still cheating. Commincation and honesty are super important but people have lost those skills it seems. As for my opinion of long distance; it's a waste of time. For very few it works, for most it does not. It's unfullfilling (for me) and usually burns into dust. And then to mix that with being a cheater, knowing the person I'm having this relationship with just goes and humps someone or cuddles someone else when I'm not close? Yeah...no thanks. I've never put much faith in an LDR since none I have ever had worked. I thought it was a thing for teenagers and now I see grown adults doing it....guess it's something I won't understand. If it works, it works but I wouldn't hold my breath.

oceanwynds -> RE: Long Distance Relationship (12/2/2008 5:00:02 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: roland23 I thought this was about LDRs. I am currently in one with a sub and it is simply wonderful. Although we only see each other occassionally. She lives on the East Coast, I live in the Midwest, but when we get together it is total bliss. It is like we are the only people on the planet. Her estranged husband and her boyfriend are not aware of us. Although Collarme is a fantastic site, the constant whining about "cheating".(Does a BDSM scene with NO SEX constitute cheating?) Many of the people on this site have found that ONE person who is their eveything. I am so happy for you. Most of the rest of us down here on planet Earth are not as lucky. Unfortunately, people change people evolve and sometimes they evolve into BDSM while their partner does not and NEVER WILL. The preaching about "cheating" is really getting boring!!!!!! Roland, I didn't really address the issues of them being married. I didn't on purpose, because I have to counsel those people who had discovered that their spouses engaged in on-line relationships. I still wont comment on it. oceanwynds

moonvine -> RE: Long Distance Relationship (12/2/2008 10:44:22 PM)
If I had a primary partner who was going and engaging in BDSM activities behind my back, without my knowledge, etc with another person other than myself, then HELL YES I would consider it cheating, and when I caught them I would kick their sorry ass to the curb without a second thought.

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