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How Does One Assert Control from Start - 8/7/2004 4:40:23 PM

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Hello All..
I'm new to Domination, but want it for life...
Need to know how slowly/quickly does one assert Dominance over another; I met someone who ultimately wants to give over complete control, which is what I want... But how quickly should I proceed so he knows I'm serious and yet not scare him? I have no hidden agenda, and wouldn't think of using him if I weren't serious; but how will he know that? and How do I know my asserting won't scare him about my motives? He wants the rules /power exchange evident from beginning? Any Ideas??? I apreciate any input?
M... Lady Domme

RE: How Does One Assert Control from Start - 8/7/2004 6:00:55 PM

MistressZanthia

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Sorry, I misread your post. Hence the edit, it didn't apply previously.

Forgoing the "ultimately"... he's asking for you to dominate him, to test you. As others have said (technically before I posted this, the next couple posts say it). Can you take control, that's up to you. Do you want to this early in the relationship? I don't know. Only you can answer that question.

Sad thing is, if all he going to base the relationship on is how well you play together, you are in for a painful trip. I have to say it again, because if you are talking about a long term relationship, you might want to put the relationship and all that entails (how well you communicate, how you'll run your household together, the commonalities you'll share in other areas, etc.), is this just for play or is it something long term real, that might turn into a serious relationship/marriage?

I will tell you one thing however, if you play with him now under pressure like this, odds are it won't make you or him very happy... if he's a "do me queen" you'll be in for some unpleasant surprises, I wouldn't let anyone push me into playing with him, ever. If you feel pushed, tell him to back it up a notch, until you are comfortable. You are the one who determines when and where, etc play will happen (you initiate Domme woman) and don't let him do the decision making when it come to it. If he's not in the mood when you decide it's time, his rotten luck.

From what you said, he's already put the "squeeze" on. Don't bow, or you've already caved and he'll think you're playing at being a Domme and may decide he can walk all over you and top from the bottom from now on. The question is how you gauge what he says to you. If you feel he's sincere, then he can wait until you want to do it of your own volition... and not because he told you too. Who is the Domme? YOU.

< Message edited by MistressZanthia -- 8/7/2004 8:14:26 PM >

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RE: How Does One Assert Control from Start - 8/7/2004 6:14:14 PM

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quote:

Not only that, if you are trying to enter into a relationship, you'll probably have to micro manage him.

Alfred from the Batman series and that butler from the movie Arthur may be good examples to give those "Control me from day 1" types.

Good because they a) do not require micromanagement to get things done and b) provide actual willing service to the one they serve.

JM, CBW, BTYG.

Sinergy

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"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle

(in reply to MistressZanthia)

RE: How Does One Assert Control from Start - 8/7/2004 7:04:53 PM

TallDarkAndWitty

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quote:

ORIGINAL: BlkTallFullfig
He wants the rules /power exchange evident from beginning? Any Ideas??? I apreciate any input?

(Appologies to the Mistresses (DREAD in particular) for posting in your forum, but I feel I might be able to add something to this thread.)

A few thoughts.

First, dominance is not sceneing, it isn't rules or contracts, it needn't even be power excange. What he is really looking for is proof that you "have what it takes" to be his dominant.

Next, in my mind, dominance must be establish immediately. It must be clear from your tone that you are in complete control of the situation, if not him. Use your dominance to create a dynamic that puts you at the top of the food chain.

This doesn't have to be done with titles and terms of address (though that is a way that many people use). Personally I do it with tone and it is something that must be developed by every dominant over time.

This is not to say you hand him a 10 page contract for his signature at the first meeting. It doesn't mean you have to dominate him immediately, but he is looking for evidence that you are dominant. Give it to him.

Yours,
Taggard

_____________________________

A most rewarding compliment is an insult from the ill-informed.

My slave: Kat (RainaVerene on the other side) and her website: RainaVerene.com

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RE: How Does One Assert Control from Start - 8/7/2004 7:11:13 PM

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The key word is ultimately. There is no reason to take total control immediately. And I don't see that he wants that. Get to know him and let him get to know you. If you are real, he will see it. And if you both are compatible with each other, he will gladly give up all control.

(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)

RE: How Does One Assert Control from Start - 8/7/2004 9:02:56 PM

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Please give me some ideas on how to make it clear I am in control immediately?
Shall I tell him what I require, when and how? Is asking what would be convenient or taking his convenience into consideration Not dominant?
Is making him call 2x/day at specific times Not dominant? He offered and does call every day; is my wanting to call sometimes not domme like?
Thanks for your help...
M

(in reply to TallDarkAndWitty)

RE: How Does One Assert Control from Start - 8/7/2004 9:07:40 PM

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I don't believe it's necessary to take control immediately either; I've read and believe it takes time to establish trust...
He's the one who says he needs control asserted at the very start so he always knows his place... I can think of ways to do that, though don't think he'll comply when I start... I suppose that's the bottom line, test if he means what he says??
Thanks all for your comments.
Lady M

(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)

RE: How Does One Assert Control from Start - 8/7/2004 9:13:01 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: BlkTallFullfig
Please give me some ideas on how to make it clear I am in control immediately?
Shall I tell him what I require, when and how? Is asking what would be convenient or taking his convenience into consideration Not dominant?
Is making him call 2x/day at specific times Not dominant? He offered and does call every day; is my wanting to call sometimes not domme like?

There's no recipe or cookie cutter for "dominance". If you're dominant, then you're dominant, in whatever way it manifests for you. The trick isn't finding ways to show that, it's finding a partner who has compatible needs. That's also the tough part.

Don't buy into the "rules", and don't let anyone push you into doing what's not right for you. IMX, that will simply backfire, ultimately. Why would you want to be anyone other than who you are anyway?

Is it dominant to remake yourself into his fantasy image of what a domina is? Only you can answer that one.....

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Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

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RE: How Does One Assert Control from Start - 8/7/2004 9:29:14 PM

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Exactly right SherriA. Always be yourself. If it isn't right for him, so be it. The worst thing you can do is pretend you are someone or something you are not.

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RE: How Does One Assert Control from Start - 8/7/2004 10:10:47 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: BlkTallFullfig

Hello All..
I'm new to Domination, but want it for life...
Need to know how slowly/quickly does one assert Dominance over another; I met someone who ultimately wants to give over complete control, which is what I want... But how quickly should I proceed so he knows I'm serious and yet not scare him? I have no hidden agenda, and wouldn't think of using him if I weren't serious; but how will he know that? and How do I know my asserting won't scare him about my motives? He wants the rules /power exchange evident from beginning? Any Ideas??? I apreciate any input?
M... Lady Domme

Might I suggest you assess the situation and decide what YOU want from it (whether that's teaching him 'slave positions' or requiring him to remain gentlemanly patient until YOU decide when you wish to set further tasks and goals)? It often takes a while to get to know someone to assess how they can best enhance your life. You're driving, you get to set the pace. If he's not willing to wait on your word then you are not talking about dominance, you are discussing play terms. Why give something so valuable away for free? To my mind that is the epitome of dominance, not specific acts, gestures or protocols. What do YOU want and is he serious about that (what you want) being his real goal?

When you have made some decisions about what will make you happy, then you set about making him aware of what those tasks are...then don't let him do them until he begs for leave to do so.

"You know, I've always dreamed of having a slave who remained awake while I slept, bound to the wall while guarding my dreams. Waking in the morning to my tired slave with a full bladder and instead of mercifully letting him go to the bathroom, leaving him chained to the wall; tormenting him while I drink my coffee and play with my femslave in front of him. So close and yet so far."

If you build it, they will beg.

< Message edited by MizSuz -- 8/7/2004 10:11:17 PM >

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RE: How Does One Assert Control from Start - 8/7/2004 10:15:44 PM

TallDarkAndWitty

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quote:

ORIGINAL: BlkTallFullfig

Please give me some ideas on how to make it clear I am in control immediately?

The simplest way is to be in control immediately. While simple, this is not in any way easy.

quote:

Shall I tell him what I require, when and how?

Of course. Why not? Be polite, not demanding, but let him know how he can serve you. If he chooses to do so, then you are allowing the dynamic to form itself around you.

quote:

Is asking what would be convenient or taking his convenience into consideration Not dominant?

Of course not. Manners are not inconsistent with dominance. Nor are courtesy, respect or simple consideration.

You say, "Boy, how does calling me everyday at 3pm work for you?" If he says 4 would be better, and 4 works for you, you say "Then it is settled, we talk at 4...don't be a second late."

quote:

Is making him call 2x/day at specific times Not dominant?

Sounds pretty dominant to me, unless you don't want to be called that often (or infrequently).

quote:

He offered and does call every day; is my wanting to call sometimes not domme like?

Of course not. You say "Boy, your mistress likes to call you sometime...I will call you tomorrow at 4. Be around."

There is no action that is "not domme like", it is all in the attitude and tone. Getting what you ant is what he wants. Don't be afraid to seem weak because you sometimes want to make him happy as well. Just make it clear that you are doing this to make yourself happy and he will be happy.

Yours,
Taggard

_____________________________

A most rewarding compliment is an insult from the ill-informed.

My slave: Kat (RainaVerene on the other side) and her website: RainaVerene.com

(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)

RE: How Does One Assert Control from Start - 8/7/2004 10:50:53 PM

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Thanks everyone for your responses...
Very helpful.
M

(in reply to TallDarkAndWitty)

RE: How Does One Assert Control from Start - 8/8/2004 3:08:58 AM

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Hello :)

It seems to me that you are getting stressed out trying to "be like" a Domme....as opposed to just being yourself. For me Dominance isn't about giving orders so much as it is about inspiring submission ....... less about making demands and more about accepting service.

Years ago a fellow Domme told me to write out a description of my "perfect partner". What attributes, personality characteristics, manners, temperment....etc etc did I want in a partner? What kinds of things would he do for me? (In other words.....what characteristics, actions and notions do you value in a partner?)

Doing this helped me define the type of person I was seeking and helped me narrow my search only to those I believed had long term possibility. Keep in mind....no one is going to match every item on your list, but by having the list (knowing what you want) you can direct their actions and such in a way that pleases you.

So....to answer your question....I would ask you to examine what you want out of a relationship. Once you have those answers you are free to lead your relationship the way you want to lead it and not worry if it is "Domme" or not. Being yourself, defining your needs (and having them met) and being responsible for those in your care is the definition of Dominance. Assert more of your needs and desires. If you fear he will leave you because your wants are different........better to know now than to waste time in a mismatched partnership.

Hope this helps

Ms Sandi

_____________________________

"The Masochist desires to experience stronger sensations, but desires that it should be inflicted with Love. The Sadist desires to inflict stronger sensations, but desires that it should be felt as Love" Havelock Ellis The Project Gutenberg

(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)

RE: How Does One Assert Control from Start - 8/8/2004 9:10:12 AM

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I hate to "me too" Utah Goddess but she has a point from the guys erspective too. Trust me, a guy can tell if you are doing something "for him". If you try to be the "perfect" Domina, you will fail because you are trying to that "for him". If you try to be you and do what you like (which coincidentally are things he likes because you like them.

) then you will succeed.

Remember you are training him to conform to your ideal, not the other way around.

(That is not to say never do anything he wants, but be sure he knows that you know that he knows that is is for him either as a reward or something. [For Example, he has a foot fetish and you really don't care. Let him worship your feet, but be honest that it is for him and it is a reward for making you happy otherwise.])

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When the Lady smiles i can't resist her call. As a matter of fact, i don't resist at all. Well that depends if it is a smile or a grimmace.

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RE: How Does One Assert Control from Start - 8/8/2004 1:36:40 PM

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Thanks UtahGoddess and everyone Ladies and Gentlemen for your wonderful input and advice... What I've gathered is state what I want and need, at my own pace, essentially be myself and let the chips fall where they may.
My chat with my sub today went much better as a result.
Lady M

(in reply to UtahGoddess)

RE: How Does One Assert Control from Start - 8/11/2004 8:48:41 PM

Laura

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quote:

ORIGINAL: TallDarkAndWitty

Next, in my mind, dominance must be establish immediately. It must be clear from your tone that you are in complete control of the situation, if not him. Use your dominance to create a dynamic that puts you at the top of the food chain.

I disagree. Why put yourself out to give him what he wants? That's not domming. You don't sound ready to Dom him. So don't. Domming isn't about yelling, putting your foot down, smacking him around, etc. It's about being in charge. Maybe being in charge is about not domming at all.

If you want to Dom, do it. But don't cater to him. Until you're ready he can twiddle his thumbs and wait. Or not. He has that choice. But don't let someone make you Dom them. You're the Dom, not him.

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RE: How Does One Assert Control from Start - 8/11/2004 9:10:57 PM

TallDarkAndWitty

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Laura

quote:

ORIGINAL: TallDarkAndWitty

Next, in my mind, dominance must be establish immediately. It must be clear from your tone that you are in complete control of the situation, if not him. Use your dominance to create a dynamic that puts you at the top of the food chain.

I disagree.

What, precisely were you disagreeing with? I completely agree with what you said, and was trying to say the same thing myself. hat you call "in charge" I call "asserting dominance." Neither are "domming" which, perhaps, comes later after much talk and both parties understand what the other is looking for.

Yours,
Taggard

_____________________________

A most rewarding compliment is an insult from the ill-informed.

My slave: Kat (RainaVerene on the other side) and her website: RainaVerene.com

(in reply to Laura)

RE: How Does One Assert Control from Start - 8/11/2004 11:18:01 PM

Laura

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Sorry. I jumped the gun. My first impression of what you said was wrong. I read it over and yes, we were saying the same thing in our own way.

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RE: How Does One Assert Control from Start - 8/22/2004 5:01:43 PM

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quote:

How Does One Assert Control from Start

Yes.

JM, CBW, BTYG

Sinergy

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"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle

(in reply to Laura)

RE: How Does One Assert Control from Start - 8/22/2004 8:00:36 PM

Laura

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Sinergy

JM, CBW, BTYG

I keep meaning to ask... what does that mean?

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