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what to do? - 12/11/2008 7:46:24 AM

boobacuda

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So, I'm not exactly a sub but my boyfriend whom I love very much is a dom. I try to give him as much of the stuff he wants that I can, but sometimes it's hard. He wants a poly relationship, which I have agreed to. He found a sub that he liked and then moved to where it was supposed to be "us" as in all three of us. I am having a hard time getting over the worry that he will just leave me anyways but that's for a different day. He has been lying to me about her, when they talk, what they talk about. Getting off the phone with me and saying he's going to bed so he can talk to her. What have I done to cause this or what should I do, I do not like being lied to, it all hurts but I always deal with it. I hide my hurt from him because he gets mad at my feelings and I feel like I'm giving up so much of who I am to make him happy and it will never be enough. Regardless, is it right that he has lied to me?

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RE: what to do? - 12/11/2008 9:55:25 AM

CallaFirestormBW

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Listen to yourself and you can answer your own question. You are clearly disturbed by what is happening, so, no, it isn't right.

The only solution is to talk to the person who is doing the hurting. Tell him what you're struggling with, and either the situation is resolved, or it isn't.

If the deception continues, you need to ask yourself whether it is more important for you to be in a relationship, regardless of the level of honesty of the participants, or more important for you to be in a relationship that is honest, even if it means not being in a particular relationship.

If you decide it's more important to have -any- relationship, even if it is one based on dishonesty, that's ok, but you're going to have to realize that it will be up to you to accept that the deception is part of the relationship you have. You'll have to bear the burden of knowing that honesty won't be part of your relationship.

If you decide that honesty is more important to you than a particular relationship, that's ok, too -- different responsibilities, but only you can judge what is most important to you. If you -do- decide that honesty is more important than being in the relationship, then it will be up to you to be strong and walk away. Your burden will be knowing that you're letting go of this relationship because it does not meet your needs.

< Message edited by CallaFirestormBW -- 12/11/2008 9:56:21 AM >

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RE: what to do? - 12/11/2008 11:37:15 AM

Darigone

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from what I take from it all it seems you don't really want to be apart of the poly hose. Not to mention his focus seems to be placed on the other gal more than it is on you. That can lead to worse problems if not handled. To be honest about him lying if he if he is being habitual about it don't waist your time. It's not worth the emotional tangle that you have to deal with in that way. Trying to make someone els happy at the sacrifice of your own is a parasitic manor and will end up breaking you as a person. How fare are you willing to lose yourself for another selfish wants.

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RE: what to do? - 12/11/2008 1:37:39 PM

Lockit

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You say you are dealing with his lies... but you bury your feelings. That isn't dealing with them. It isn't like a grave where the buried stay buried... unlike some horror flicks. These feelings come back up as you can see.

He lied. It is clear you are not okay with that. Ask youself why you are there... why you accept and bury these things... ask what you might feel six months down the road after all that insecurity and anger and pain build up. Try to get to that before it happens. Because six months down the road you can be more broken, more insecure, more in pain. Also... don't ask us about if it is okay to lie. You know the answer to that. Your answer is what is important. His lies have made you feel what? Is that okay?

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RE: what to do? - 12/11/2008 3:30:50 PM

KnightofMists

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quote:

ORIGINAL: boobacuda
Regardless, is it right that he has lied to me?

Regardless... IT doesn't matter what we think. It matters IF you think it is right! You already know the answer to the question. The question you need to ask is what are you going to do about it. I suspect you don't know. BUT please, don't come back asking what you should about it. THIS is your relationship. TAKE some responsibility and ownership of it and deal with it!

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RE: what to do? - 12/11/2008 5:44:08 PM

DavanKael

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Lies are not okay.
The emotions you are feeling are palpable in what you have written; speak with him about this and about how the dishonesty harms your trust and also undermines the potential for you to experience poly- as a long-term viable relationship option.
Best wishes,
Davan

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RE: what to do? - 12/11/2008 5:53:34 PM

YourhandMyAss

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The first red flag would be someone getting mad at how you're feeling. A healthy partner wouldn't in my opinion get mad because you expressed your feelings.

Second red flag is the lying. Why do people think they've done something to deserve being lied to? I feel you've gave everything he asked for a fair shot and now he's repaying the loyalty by being an ass.

What should you do about the lying? It's up to you, but personally I'd confront him, and say there's no use denying it, and then tell him I am telling you right now to find someone else toplay for a fool I am done with you.

quote:

ORIGINAL: boobacuda

So, I'm not exactly a sub but my boyfriend whom I love very much is a dom. I try to give him as much of the stuff he wants that I can, but sometimes it's hard. He wants a poly relationship, which I have agreed to. He found a sub that he liked and then moved to where it was supposed to be "us" as in all three of us. I am having a hard time getting over the worry that he will just leave me anyways but that's for a different day. He has been lying to me about her, when they talk, what they talk about. Getting off the phone with me and saying he's going to bed so he can talk to her. What have I done to cause this or what should I do, I do not like being lied to, it all hurts but I always deal with it. I hide my hurt from him because he gets mad at my feelings and I feel like I'm giving up so much of who I am to make him happy and it will never be enough. Regardless, is it right that he has lied to me?

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RE: what to do? - 12/11/2008 6:11:21 PM

elleRT

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oh I have seen this type of scenario so many times. When I read your post a huge Neon sign flashed in my mind: NOT COMPATIBLE, NOT COMPATIBLE, NOT COMPATIBLE.

You both want different things. He wants poly and you don't feel comfortable with that. This is not about right or wrong,or who's fault is it. It is about being happy in the relationship and choosing someone that has the same likes/dislikes as you. Obviously you are not happy, and neither is he, as he has to do things behind your back, and does not seem to understand your feelings. If you keep things inside to keep the peace, eventually you will resent him and you for sticking out thus far with any resolution.

You have several options here and I am not going to sugar coat it.
1) Accept the situation as is, and be unhappy (since you said you love him)
2) Talk to him and try to find a resolution where you loose the 3rd wheel and be happy, even though this will make him unhappy
3) Go on your seperate ways and even though it will hurt like hell for a while, you will be fine and will get over it.

Above all, do not comprimise your standards or emotions to make anyone happy. This is about you and your choices. YOU have the right to be happy and if you are not either try to fix it or get out. Simple as that.
I hope you make the decision that will make you happy in the long run.

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RE: what to do? - 12/11/2008 7:00:44 PM

boobacuda

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Thank you all for your post and you are all right, I should not ask anyone what I should do when I know what's right or wrong. I am very confused right now and its a rough time for me to leave him. Although, maybe losing my job now is the right time to move on since I'm not tied to this area, besides the kids we have together. I will talk with him more tonight and try and come to a compromise, life isn't always cut and dry, blah!

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RE: what to do? - 12/11/2008 7:22:57 PM

polybi108

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Joined: 11/26/2008
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polyfidelity requires heart opened people who are loving and not jealous.

poly in the style you are suffering is about him. You need to move along. Face it.

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RE: what to do? - 12/12/2008 9:23:25 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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He could just be all twitterpated and afraid of you seeing how intensly he's into her right now would shove you over the edge- that's not an excuse but it's helpful to sometimes understand the motivations.

No matter what though, it is inexcusable and it needs to stop. Poly means being able to simultaneously maintain healthy and positive relationships, not ignore one for the other.

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RE: what to do? - 12/13/2008 6:16:11 AM

ScooterTrash

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He's lying, it's over, simple as that. Poly depends on open, honest communication...he broke the first rule so he's certainly not a poly Dom, just another flake in the box.

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RE: what to do? - 12/16/2008 6:12:46 PM

graceadieu

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Joined: 3/20/2008
From: Maryland
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Quick reply:

Of course it's worng that he's lied to you.

My question is this: Is this dishonesty the main difficulty you have with this poly relationship? If he were honest with you about when and what he does with her (to whatever extent that you actually want to know), would that make you feel more secure in your relationship with him? Talk to him! He might be lying for sketchy reasons, but he also might be lying because - say- he's worried you'll be freaked out by the kinky things he wants to do to this sub.

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RE: what to do? - 12/16/2008 10:49:39 PM

nevaehangel

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Joined: 4/4/2008
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if you are not sub your more of a switch you only submit to him. you should sit down with him and talk things out about what is ok with the poly relationship and what is not ok. if you are the primary in the relationship you should be treated as such. if he isn't willing to have basic rules like respect and honesty. Then in my opinion you shouldn't stay in the relationship. it will only cause you constand upset and missery.

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