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Adjusting to BDSM as lifestyle... - 12/13/2008 8:21:24 AM

Missiesslave

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Hi there,

As someone who has recently been introduced to this scene, I am looking for advice from some of the more experienced members. I am a 25 year old male in a full time relationship with Missie who is 24. Over the four years that we have been together, we have enjoyed a very loving and awesome relationship with a few twists. Ever since my childhood I have been involved in another kind of fetish, which has parallels with BDSM... there are elements of control, ownership, dominance and superiority and even punishment and pain; the only difference being that the fantasy is purely imaginative and in no way real. Being a fairly dominating Woman herself, she took to my fantasies and although she did not gain any sexual gratification from them, she did help to bring the ideas to life in a number of different ways and did enjoy toying with the ideas expressed within. (For which I will be eternally grateful and indebted to her :). )

Flash forward a few years, and a friend of hers also involved in that community introduced her to BDSM. I had never looked at it myself, content to stay in my own closed off internal world. This friend had been involved in 24/7 TPE relationships, and Missie became very interested in the dynamics and psychological aspects of such a lifestyle. As her curiosity grew she delved deeper into BDSM before joining this site; bringing me along with her to explore.

Since then we have, admittedly, become rather obsessed lol. Aspects of BDSM seem to fit the different facets of our personalities in ways we didn't know possible. We have spent many nights discussing the concepts and how inviting they are in a more spiritual sense rather than directly sexual. Although we are not interested in a 24/7 TPE relationship, we do intend to start experimenting with r/t power exchange - first by trialing a full 24 hour period.

My question is this. Having come from a community largely based on self fulfillment through imagination, I am very used to seeking or attaining some sexual release associated with my indulgence. I am no longer content to live this way, and wish to experience the deeper and more subtle feelings associated with being under a persons utter control. Put short, I don't want BDSM to be a 'quick fix' fetish for me. I am worried that it will be difficult for me to shelve old habits however, and that I will be subconsciously looking for the sexual connection in my experience. Though we're not ruling sex out of the equation here, I would rather sex become secondary and optional to the BDSM and not BDSM be secondary and optional to an underlying sense of sexual gratification.

Have any of you here had to make this adjustment yourselves? Perhaps you were used to being in a vanilla relationship and found it difficult to transition to BDSM as a lifestyle for similar reasons. I would appreciate any advice you may have in approaching it and learning to see past the sexual connotations to a deeper and ultimately more fulfilling feeling of servitude and devotion.

Many thanks, sorry if i've wasted anybodies time with this rant :)

Missies slave

< Message edited by Missiesslave -- 12/13/2008 9:06:29 AM >

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RE: Adjusting to BDSM as lifestyle... - 12/13/2008 9:54:17 AM

DesFIP

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Slow down. You don't have to make all the changes overnight. You just try things and see what works for both of you. However, if she's going to be dominant in this relationship then the decision about your sexuality isn't yours to make, it's hers. And if that means she wants you servicing her, you do it, even if you don't want the focus on sex. In the meantime, just try to do stuff for her. Laundry, dishes, grocery shopping, cooking, etc. Do the scut work, make her life easier.

And most of all - have fun.

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RE: Adjusting to BDSM as lifestyle... - 12/13/2008 1:32:30 PM

Missiesslave

Posts: 11
Joined: 12/9/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Slow down. You don't have to make all the changes overnight. You just try things and see what works for both of you. However, if she's going to be dominant in this relationship then the decision about your sexuality isn't yours to make, it's hers. And if that means she wants you servicing her, you do it, even if you don't want the focus on sex. In the meantime, just try to do stuff for her. Laundry, dishes, grocery shopping, cooking, etc. Do the scut work, make her life easier.

And most of all - have fun.

Thank you for the reply :)

It's funny you should say that about housework etc. Tonight Missie was in work and I said I would tidy the house/do the dishes. Now this wasn't a BDSM thing at all, and so I left it a few hours before starting. When I called her up on her break I mentioned that I hadn't started yet and she sounded a bit disappointed. Usually I'd argue with that and say that I have plenty of time etc etc and I'll get around to doing it - I did exactly that.

After I got off the phone I made myself a coffee and thought to myself. Although it wasn't a task in a dominating sense, it could very well have been, and to be putting it off and doing it last minute wouldn't be acceptable. After all, I shouldn't be managing my own time and so anything I had to do like that would come first and not last. I stopped what I was doing and immediately started working on the flat and kitchen.

Now although it wasn't meant to be a dominating task or anything, I feel that I should be doing things like that more and more in preparation. It's the mundane things that you don't usually associate with being dominated, and I have to say that knowing I was doing it for her made it all the more enjoyable - even when it was tiring.

I'm happy for sex to be a big part of it, but things like this I need to 'tune in to' instead of carrying on with my vanilla lifestyle until I see something that benefits me. It's really exciting to be starting out like this, and i'm looking forward to finding other ways to please my owner :)

Missies slave

< Message edited by Missiesslave -- 12/13/2008 1:34:21 PM >

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RE: Adjusting to BDSM as lifestyle... - 12/13/2008 6:01:00 PM

DesFIP

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I proof read his business mail, take things to the post office for him, research stuff he needs info on, etc. And yes, that's me serving him, doing what he needs. Is it fun? Not really.

But it's me doing what he tells me to do because I agreed that he can tell me what to do. Even if the stuff he tells me to do isn't nearly as much fun as dressing up in a special outfit for him to rip off me.

He has the right to tell me to do most anything, except for a couple of areas. I can put in my concerns and he'll listen, but when he said not to buy the Cooper tires the shop had in stock, but to wait for them to deliver the Michelin's, I did it. Because he makes those decisions, not me.

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RE: Adjusting to BDSM as lifestyle... - 12/13/2008 8:57:39 PM

slavejali

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What is sounds like your tuning into is, the ability to meet someones needs without expecting anything in return, its a pretty fulfilling way to be... in or out of bdsm.

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RE: Adjusting to BDSM as lifestyle... - 12/14/2008 2:48:32 AM

Missiesslave

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quote:

ORIGINAL: slavejali

What is sounds like your tuning into is, the ability to meet someones needs without expecting anything in return, its a pretty fulfilling way to be... in or out of bdsm.

Yeah indeed. As someone who tends to procrastinate a lot, I can see it being a positive thing in other areas of my life as well. :)

John

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RE: Adjusting to BDSM as lifestyle... - 12/14/2008 8:18:20 AM

Missiesslave

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Missie has embraced the concept of me doing things selflessly for her, and tonight while she is at work I have a list of things to do. At the very end is a reminder that I should expect nothing in return.

Exploring this is turning out to be such an interesting and fun experience. Thank you for the replies I have received. It is our hope that Missie will be able to train me into being a good and useful possession of hers. :)

Scamp (my name for the evening)

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RE: Adjusting to BDSM as lifestyle... - 12/14/2008 12:53:23 PM

SlaveIndigochild

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quote:

being under a persons utter control.

This is the weakest link surely?
It is not possible to be under an other's utter control unless you give utter consent. Therefore you are fifty percent of the equation.
Understanding active consent is, in my humble opinion, an important part of a dynamic to grasp. In other words chasing someone's utter control is a fallacy although it's a fantasised fallacy i know.

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RE: Adjusting to BDSM as lifestyle... - 12/14/2008 12:59:35 PM

Missiesslave

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SlaveIndigochild
This is the weakest link surely?
It is not possible to be under an other's utter control unless you give utter consent. Therefore you are fifty percent of the equation.
Understanding active consent is, in my humble opinion, an important part of a dynamic to grasp. In other words chasing someone's utter control is a fallacy although it's a fantasised fallacy i know.

Indeed. This is something I think I am beginning to understand. Having only just completed those jobs I mentioned, I have a real sense that I am giving myself willingly to her rather than her forcing her control onto me in some way. I think that's why I see it as such a spiritual thing too, because it's as much about devotion and admiration as it is about servitude and submission.

Thanks for the reply :)

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RE: Adjusting to BDSM as lifestyle... - 12/14/2008 1:08:04 PM

SlaveIndigochild

Posts: 272
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Missiesslave

quote:

ORIGINAL: SlaveIndigochild
This is the weakest link surely?
It is not possible to be under an other's utter control unless you give utter consent. Therefore you are fifty percent of the equation.
Understanding active consent is, in my humble opinion, an important part of a dynamic to grasp. In other words chasing someone's utter control is a fallacy although it's a fantasised fallacy i know.

Indeed. This is something I think I am beginning to understand. Having only just completed those jobs I mentioned, I have a real sense that I am giving myself willingly to her rather than her forcing her control onto me in some way. I think that's why I see it as such a spiritual thing too, because it's as much about devotion and admiration as it is about servitude and submission.

Thanks for the reply :)

You are very welcome and
welcome to collarme.
It's also about consenting to give yourself when you don't feel willing.
'Not my will but Thy will be done.....'

< Message edited by SlaveIndigochild -- 12/14/2008 1:13:01 PM >

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