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RE: Chase or be chased? - 12/13/2008 5:33:50 PM

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Of course this is only speculation, but the first thing that came up between the lines for me wasn't a game of cat and mouse chase.

He just sounds like a dud. He sounds like he has no conversation skills, and no inclination to get inside her mind. Beyond that, it appears that he is indifferent or not seriously interested.

Yes, he says he wants to meet, but words don't really mean much. His actions show indifference, or maybe he's on the fence about her and not sure yet if he wants to make the effort here to take it to the next step.

This isn't necessarily about him wanting her to be the aggressor. It could be half-hearted interest on his part. I know that's hard to fathom because he's talking to her, and we tend to take that as a sign of interest, but sometimes these men are talking to several girls, not really invested in any of them, while they decide which one they're going to pursue. I don't know if this is the case with this guy, but it's another angle to examine.

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RE: Chase or be chased? - 12/13/2008 5:33:53 PM

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~~fast reply~~

i've never *not* been chased. i've let them catch me, i've encouraged them to catch me. i've fallen into their laps letting them catch me. i've once or twice led them on a merry chase into the garden shed that i *knew* was there. but i've never given out the encouraging signals to someone who wouldnt at least signal back ....and not said "this is being very odd, are you even interested?"

the chase can be fun to both parties. and sometimes even after the bonds are *there*, you continue to play "catch me" just because its fun. as in, i get a smart mouth with TheEngineer on occasion because i *know* where that will lead.

but if i dont feel definite interest, i'm going to directly ask if there is or is not interest there.

kitten

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RE: Chase or be chased? - 12/13/2008 5:34:04 PM

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i can be a slow poke. I not a chaser and don't like to be chase. Just prefer to let things happen or not.

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RE: Chase or be chased? - 12/13/2008 5:51:20 PM

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Forgetting about what is or isn't true subbie behavior here, the truth is that he's not as interested in her as she is in him. Because if he were, he would want to talk to her, want to meet with her, etc.

This is one of those times that "Don't make someone a priority who makes you an option" fits.

Myself, I wasn't comfortable sending the first email. But beyond that, once I felt a click, I had no problem sending him a funny link, or sharing something I thought he would like. And he was just as involved in the conversation as I was.

She ought to move on to someone who will be as into her as she is into him. Because nothing's going to change down the line, she'll always be putting way more into a relationship with him than he is. If she's okay with that, that's one thing. But if she's hoping he'll suddenly decide she's worth a lot more attention, it isn't going to happen.

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RE: Chase or be chased? - 12/13/2008 5:53:27 PM

WinsomeDefiance

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I've never chased anyone. Usually, others initiate with me. I'm so dense, that people usually have to knock me over the head and drag me by the hair before I'm even aware I'm being chased.

Recently, however, I found out that a certain Master I knew was available. I didn't chase him, but I did write to him and say hello. It took a few months of casual infrequent emils between us, before he actually made any solid contact with me. When he did, I made the decision then and there, to play no games with him. To tell him honestly how much of a 'crush' I've harbored on him over the years and how much I'd love the opportunity to find out if there was any substance to my crush. As it turns out, he'd been interested in me as well, and our 5 year long attraction has been blossoming naturally into more. I didn't chase him, but I definitely didn't let myself be invisible or passively sit around waiting for him to notice me. It is the most assertive and pro-active I've ever been in pursuit of a relationship. I don't feel at all, as if I'm being less submissive, because there was something very humbling in being so open and vulnerable with him. It jerked me out of my comfort level to take the risk of being rejected. I've actually never felt so feminine and submissive before. I love that I was able/am able to be that unguarded and open and vulnerable with him, and I'm not the least bit ashamed to let him know I'm happy to chase after him like a love sick puppy. It helps that he keeps tugging on all the right leashes to keep me panting after him, showing me that he's loving it too.

< Message edited by WinsomeDefiance -- 12/13/2008 6:01:44 PM >

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RE: Chase or be chased? - 12/13/2008 6:04:49 PM

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I am assuming that if this guy were so boring and uncommunicative as is projected through the second hand description of the relationship, this entire question would be a moot point. There must be something to this person if the friend continues to chat with him, and, is willing to drive three hours to meet him. So, given that:

It is not about chasing or being chased. It is not about D/s. It is about life and how we handle it. There are times in life that we must ourselves, or, by our actions encourage someone else, to shit or get off the pot. I prefer the tactful, direct approach.

"I am interested in you and you tell me you are interested in me also. However (<---- careful because this is the big SCARY word) you seem to avoid it whenever I bring up the subject of meeting. I need this meeting to happen, or, I must move on."

Simple. Clean (unless he does have something else going on and tries to convince you otherwise - see the red flag thread from a few days ago). And, the least stressful for all concerned.

To answer the last questions: I think people manipulate to get what they want. Some are better at it than others but we all do it. If what I want needs to chase me, so be it. If she needs to be chased, so be it. It is all about finding people that are capatible with each other and enjoy spending time together however it gets to that point.

(in reply to yourMissTress)

RE: Chase or be chased? - 12/13/2008 6:09:29 PM

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I would urge her to be as available to him as he is to her, to show the same level of interest and then see where his reponse level goes. She will have to be prepared for the fact that he probably isn't too interested. If you have to go out of your way to secure someone you'll always be doing all of the work in the relationship.

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RE: Chase or be chased? - 12/13/2008 6:18:50 PM

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Well, I am not chasing someone, neither do I want to be chased. When I met my prospective Master I also had in the beginning more questions then he had, but he still had enough to keep me interested and busy. We lost once contact and managed to get back in touch as there was enough interest from the first involvement which kept us going to try it again. By now we are equal and as it looks like I will submit to him at the end of the year. But a person where I have to keep him talking...that wouldn't last long with me...

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RE: Chase or be chased? - 12/13/2008 6:33:43 PM

WinsomeDefiance

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quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

I would urge her to be as available to him as he is to her, to show the same level of interest and then see where his reponse level goes. She will have to be prepared for the fact that he probably isn't too interested. If you have to go out of your way to secure someone you'll always be doing all of the work in the relationship.

I agree. While I am happily pro-active and relatively assertive in expressing my interest in Him, if that interest hadn't been equally reciprocated, my interest would have quickly faded. There has to be a mutual attraction that is tangibly evident in the 'courtship' phase, otherwise it just seems problematic to even pretend that there's an expectation for more.

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RE: Chase or be chased? - 12/13/2008 7:01:22 PM

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" sub women, would you view being assertive as being less submissive? "

You mean toward a dominant? Not really. My first dominant liked it, upon occasion. He found it entertaining, and while it isn't my natural way of interacting, I learned to turn aggression or assertiveness on, when I sensed it would amuse him. Other controlling men I have met seem perfectly capable of closing that trait down when they don't want it manifesting.

With that said, I prefer to be passive. Being hunted is very erotic, especially when you use every trick at your disposal to throw someone off your track (yes, sigh, I have a tendency to do that--and in most cases it works) and then, confident of your success, you enter a clearing unsuspecting only to find them already there, arrow cocked. :)

(in reply to elegantalexis)

RE: Chase or be chased? - 12/13/2008 7:16:25 PM

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Neither. I don't like to be chased or to chase. I like open, honest communication where we both are free to be as we are and nothing less.

From the sounds of it I'd say their communication levels are very different and they may not be compatible. She should just tell him what she wants and tell him she needs more communication. If he can't do that then she may have to ask herself just how she would see them in the future and the problems it could create.

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RE: Chase or be chased? - 12/13/2008 7:21:40 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: CaringandReal
Being hunted is very erotic, especially when you use every trick at your disposal to throw someone off your track (yes, sigh, I have a tendency to do that--and in most cases it works)

You mean when first getting to know each other? Which category do you place that type of behavior in: caring... or real?

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RE: Chase or be chased? - 12/13/2008 8:48:26 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: yourMissTress

So, here's the question: dominant men, do you want to chase? or be chased?

I really don't understand this chase or be chased stuff when it comes to building a relationship. If I am interested in someone... I invest time to get to know them more. If they are interested in me, I expect they will invest time to get to know me more. When the interest is mutual there is a large potential for an intimate relationship to develop.

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RE: Chase or be chased? - 12/13/2008 9:21:29 PM

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fast reply

Would you view being assertive as being less submissive?

Not at all. Probably why a lot of submissive/slave types end up in messy relationship situations cuz they believe they shouldnt be assertive. Heck, when your looking at a potential partner people have to realise logically, if the relationship manifests, that partner is going to effect their whole life in so many ways. Its important there arent silly games going on in the beginning like whose chasing who etc. The foundation of a relationship is so important.

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RE: Chase or be chased? - 12/13/2008 9:27:51 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: yourMissTress
My advice was simple. She is not his submissive, she's under no obligation to be submissive to him, and she should tell him what she wants, and get it, or move on.

I would agree.
I never minded people contacting me.
I was flattered by their interest on the odd occasion when that would occur, and thanked them kindly for it, even if I wasn't interested in pursuing anything further.

I don't consider it "sub behavior" or not; it's just having an interest and expressing it, which is healthy - a good sign for anyone, I would think.

I agree with RedMagic, too, that it could be hard to gauge the guy's interest accurately.
It doesn't sound good, but maybe the guy is just loath to talk about himself.
Some guys aren't good self-promoters in one medium or another.

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RE: Chase or be chased? - 12/13/2008 10:12:56 PM

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without reading the rest of the answers (sorry) I have to say that I turned Honey Master down as more than just a friend at least three times...

If a dominant is interested in me (s)he will show it.

I really don't like chasing after people. And, although, it wasn't my intent to have HM chase after me, and then, we would be together, well...that *is* what happened.

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RE: Chase or be chased? - 12/14/2008 12:26:11 AM

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For myself i don't like to be ''chased'' it turns me off but i need to feel interest from the other person.

i find it really more attractive when the person is humoristic and exchange about His needs and tastes and obviously takes time to ask my needs and tastes.

i am also a very direct person. if i feel that W/we might get along i ask for meeting.

felicia :)

(in reply to elegantalexis)

RE: Chase or be chased? - 12/14/2008 2:26:34 AM

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Tress, it sounds to me like this Dom is multitasking when chatting with her. Either he's got other chat windows open, or he's watching TV while chatting. Either way, he's not into her. I wouldn't be surprised if he's sixteen and living in a parent's house.

That said, the reality is that as a male Dom, I've had to do the chasing in the past in most relationships. I've had a few subs contact me, but with one notable exception I've quickly determined that we are not compatible.

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RE: Chase or be chased? - 12/14/2008 8:25:21 AM

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Thank you everyone who replied.

For everyone who shared what has worked best for you, the answers are mostly falling to the M at least making the initial contact, and if not, being the more assertive of the two after that initial contact. Very traditional and, I think, one of the many similarities to vanilla.

slavejali, I agree with you..

Not at all. Probably why a lot of submissive/slave types end up in messy relationship situations cuz they believe they shouldnt be assertive. Heck, when your looking at a potential partner people have to realise logically, if the relationship manifests, that partner is going to effect their whole life in so many ways. Its important there arent silly games going on in the beginning like whose chasing who etc. The foundation of a relationship is so important.

Being submissive or not, is not what's important in such early stages.

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RE: Chase or be chased? - 12/14/2008 8:27:16 AM

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quote:

Probably why a lot of submissive/slave types end up in messy relationship situations cuz they believe they shouldnt be assertive.

and to flip the coin, this also happens because a submissive pursued, in earnest, a dominant who was never interested in her in the first place.

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(in reply to yourMissTress)

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