when is the right time to tell someone here about something they must Know (Full Version)

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needstheOne -> when is the right time to tell someone here about something they must Know (12/16/2008 6:41:02 PM)

I have a situation where I must, by my standards because I am an honest person, tell anyone I meet about myself.

But I feel it is important for people to get to know who I am now and not just hear it and be gone and just me by the A hole I was in '94

So the question is this how many emails after the first one should it be, around of course, till you drop the bomb.

<Sorry for not completing the thought.>



squirrelfury -> RE: when is the right time to tell someone here about something they must Know (12/16/2008 6:47:15 PM)

I'm confused by what you're asking.  Do you mean tell people in general about yourself, or are you saying there is some specific truth that absolutely must be gotten out into the open at first and up front, so as not to mislead? 



SylvereApLeanan -> RE: when is the right time to tell someone here about something they must Know (12/16/2008 6:49:09 PM)

It depends on what "it" is and how likely it is to affect any future relationship.  Example: If you are a parent, that's something you should probably mention in your profile.  However, if you're diabetic, that can wait until you're comfortable enough to start talking about pre-play negotiation. 
 
Depending on the nature of "it" you'll have to decide when to bring it up on a case by case basis.  Only you can decide how long it will take for someone to "get to know you" well enough for you to be comfortable bringing it up.



loveandlight87 -> RE: when is the right time to tell someone here about something they must Know (12/16/2008 6:49:11 PM)

My question would be 'what's the bomb?'  If it is about your past (I have those kinds of bombs) then those things can come up in a more natural way with general conversation.  Especially when you leave big openings for the other person to ask questions.  If it is something that is affecting you currently, and would most likely affect a potential partner, then sooner rather than later.  Just my thoughts.

love



RedMagic1 -> RE: when is the right time to tell someone here about something they must Know (12/16/2008 6:55:36 PM)

The last time someone asked a question like that of me in real, the "bomb" was venereal disease.  If you do a search for "herpes" and "STDs" you'll find it discussed some in these forums.  If that's your personal bomb, I'd say you have an obligation to bring it up before meeting in person, but exactly when in the process is up to you.



StrongSpirit -> RE: when is the right time to tell someone here about something they must Know (12/16/2008 7:10:54 PM)

Time for the following bombs:
  • I am a not the gender I claim/imply in my picture/profile:  before the third email.
  • I have a transmittable disease:  before you meet in real life
  • I am (or might be) your sister/brother/father/mother:  Before you kiss
  • I am a criminal:  Before you kiss.
  • I am kinky/like to/want to do ???:  Before you try to do whatever you like - or before you become 'exclusive'.
  • I have a non-communicable disease:  before your second time.
  • I have children: before your second time
  • I screwed your sister/brother/father/mother/best friend/...:  Before you have sex again.



needstheOne -> RE: when is the right time to tell someone here about something they must Know (12/16/2008 7:13:59 PM)

I am sorry for not completing my question before in the main question.

This is NOT a STD!  But is something that is vital for the person to know so they don't waste there time by not knowing. 

And for loveandlight I almost dropped it right here but thought better of it. 

I searched the subjects 5 pages deep and nothing.  There was one that was close to my subject matter  but didn't answer my question



SylvereApLeanan -> RE: when is the right time to tell someone here about something they must Know (12/16/2008 7:28:53 PM)

Considering the fact that your profile states you are only seeking an online relationship and taking into account the other important issues you've already mentioned in your profile, I don't know that you need to spend a great deal of time worrying about when to drop this particular "bomb" since it seems unlikely it will have any effect on a cyber relationship.  Perhaps this is one of those mountain-from-molehill issues.  In other words, it seems bigger to you than it might to someone else.  However, without knowing what it is, no one is going to be able to give you more than the most general advice.  You certainly don't need to reveal it here, but consider that we're not going to be able to give you a definitive answer based on what little you've said.



DrkJourney -> RE: when is the right time to tell someone here about something they must Know (12/16/2008 7:35:04 PM)

Not really fair to ask such a vague question.  I mean it just depends, what the heck are you talking about?   As others have said, it depends on what it is as to how long you should take to reveal...it.

not trying to get into your business but since you are trying to get help, kind of need a bit more than this to go on.



needstheOne -> RE: when is the right time to tell someone here about something they must Know (12/16/2008 7:41:58 PM)

I thank you SylvereApleanan for your comment.  I will Spell atm and two of my RL friends turned OL only relationships into RL  relationships.   So what starts might when I get get better able to relocate on a whim could turn out to RL.

This is serious enough that when I dropped it too LATE it literly destroyed a awsome RL friendship just as sure as dropping a 2000lb bomb on it..

That is the new profile.

Maybe the edits weren't as good as We thought.

Thank you for viewing my profile:)



talktomeplease -> RE: when is the right time to tell someone here about something they must Know (12/16/2008 7:42:34 PM)

quote:

If that's your personal bomb, I'd say you have an obligation to bring it up before meeting in person


Why? And would you say that someone is also obligated to tell a prospective partner about oral Herpes before meeting?

Are you aware that one quarter of American women has genital herpes, and that something like 80% of all Americans have oral herpes?

I've very rarely had anyone tell me they have oral Herpes.  It's not considered a big enough deal by most people that you are *required* to tell a prospective partner.  Yet many people are insistent that one is obligated to tell a prospective partner about genital Herpes almost immediately.  Why the difference? Many doctors currently believe that Herpes I (the type that commonly causes oral Herpes lesions) is actually more medically significant than type II (which is the type that commonly causes genital lesions).

My belief is that the difference in perspective has nothing to do with medical reality or fairness, but simply the fact that "genital" anything in our culture is considered taboo.  People don't apply critical reasoning, nor do they often bother educating themselves.



GreedyTop -> RE: when is the right time to tell someone here about something they must Know (12/16/2008 7:44:28 PM)

whichever kind of herpes, I think a prospective partner should be made aware of it sooner than later.



talktomeplease -> RE: when is the right time to tell someone here about something they must Know (12/16/2008 7:45:23 PM)

CDC fact sheet on Herpes: http://www.cdc.gov/std/herpes/STDFact-herpes.htm



snappykappy -> RE: when is the right time to tell someone here about something they must Know (12/16/2008 7:47:28 PM)

my information is in my journal and profile and like a lot of people some do and do not read it

so i just ask have they read my bio and journal



talktomeplease -> RE: when is the right time to tell someone here about something they must Know (12/16/2008 7:47:50 PM)

Ok, why?  Why does anyone have an obligation to tell someone about any type of Herpes before meeting?  A meeting does not imply you are going to have sex with the person, nor even kiss.



slavejali -> RE: when is the right time to tell someone here about something they must Know (12/16/2008 7:54:50 PM)

Fast reply:

Goes on repeat...depends on what the bomb is



SylvereApLeanan -> RE: when is the right time to tell someone here about something they must Know (12/16/2008 7:55:45 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: needstheOne

two of my RL friends turned OL only relationships into RL  relationships.   So what starts might when I get get better able to relocate on a whim could turn out to RL.


Here is your answer.  When the online looks like it might turn into real time, that's when to reveal your issue.  How you do this is simply to say something to the effect of "I have something to tell you that might affect a RL relationship with you.  I didn't tell you before because it didn't affect our online time.  However, before we move our relationship into real life, I feel I need to be honest and let you know that I...[fill in the blank]."
 
If she's right for you, she'll deal with it.  If she won't or can't cope, you'll know before you move or before she does.  The "friend" who couldn't deal with your issue doesn't sound like a very good friend to me.  That's just my [sm=2cents.gif].



GreedyTop -> RE: when is the right time to tell someone here about something they must Know (12/16/2008 7:57:09 PM)

but what if the meeting DOES progress to any physical intimacy?  I'd rather know about these things beforehand so that I can make an informed decision on how far or not to take things.  I'd sure hate to be all revved up only to be told in the heat of a moment.. "Oh, by the way..."  I'd have a lot more respect for the person for being honest in advance, than waiting until things progress either physically or emotionally.



needstheOne -> RE: when is the right time to tell someone here about something they must Know (12/16/2008 7:58:50 PM)

Thank you the question has been answered .  I again thank A/all that have helped me with this topic. 

SS answered the question for me.  I will tell before first kiss.  LONG before. 

And the reason I won't be more telling here is That I get like ten views a day  I like that #  it is up from zero  I would like to keep it that way:D



RedMagic1 -> RE: when is the right time to tell someone here about something they must Know (12/16/2008 8:02:49 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: talktomeplease

Ok, why?  Why does anyone have an obligation to tell someone about any type of Herpes before meeting?  A meeting does not imply you are going to have sex with the person, nor even kiss.


I usually play on the first meet.  I haven't always had sex on the first meet.  But kissing on the lips, hell yes.  Be straight up with me or lose a friend forever.



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