ErictheRed12662
Posts: 17
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline
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I've been on this site a long time now. I've met several dominants, and so far none have worked out.
Emotionally, I'm a wreck. I've spent most of my life being "different" in some way, and as such I've been an outcast. Through various games (truth or dare, bets, etc), I started to enjoy dressing up as a girl. The catch was: I couldn't do it alone. I'm not a crossdresser. Having a dominant woman tie me down and dress me up was so fascinating and pleasurable that I began to crave it at an early age. I didn't realize what it meant until around high school, when I first began really playing with bondage. I began to seek out help, trying to figure out what this all meant. In the process, I met a few different girls. I played with dressing up, and a little bondage here and there, but at that age I couldn't find anyone who was really into it. Being a straight male who liked to be dressed as a girl was a big turn off for most.
I became completely depressed over this. Desperate to figure it out. Was I gay, and didn't know it? Did I want to be a woman? Everytime I dressed up, I just saw myself in a dress. I would cry and completely shut down unless I saw someone else in the mirror looking back at me. Which, needless to say, was rare. I always look too fat, or the makeup doesn't hide my stubble enough. I didn't know what to do. Finally, I met a girl who we'll call Jennifer, that seemed interested in helping me find myself. She ended up being much more aggressive to me than I thougth she would. She burned me with a cigarette just above the crotch on my waist (I have a permenant scar there now). She beat me. She tied me and covered me in clothes pins, then took pictures and posted them online without my permission. And I let her. I let her because I was desperate to feel something. Sad thing was, she was AMAZING at bondage. She was very dominant. She just happened to be a total you-know-what on top of it all, and crossed my boundaries and limits, then left me literally crying in the rain outside.
I tried this with others after her, and got similar results. Either the girl wasn't into it, wanted me to play with men (which is a limit I have), or simply beat me and used me (which I know some are into, but I'm not, and make that clear up front). This year, I went to see a friend on my birthday. As a gift, she wanted to try and help me. I've known her for more than 4 years now. She took over $700 from me, got me so drunk I was literally falling down, ditched me at a gay bar for hours while in horrendous drag, and basically treated me like shit. When I wasn't crying, I was throwing up. The last day I was there, I woke up that morning in a bathtub holding a razorblade. I didn't remember how I got there, and the night before I didn't get drunk.
I'm in therapy now. I've discovered I have what's known as dissociative identity disorder. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being literally multiple personalities, I'm about a 3. I have one dominant personality, but it's broken into three parts. I never become someone else, but parts of who I am are stronger than others. It's defensive mentally; when I get upset, I switch into another part of my mind. When I don't want to be somewhere, I just shut off and let another aspect of my personality take over. I have three identified sides: the normal me that my parents and family see, the angry me, and the feminine me. The feminine side of me so far is the most promenant of the three, though my angry side is pretty close.
To give you an idea of what this is like: when I'm out with someone I care about, and they're with a date that treats them badly, I don't want to say anything if they're trying to have fun. I don't want to ruin the night. So, not even thinking about it, I'll think, "God I don't want to be here..." and I'll shut down. It might be 11 PM when I'm thinking I don't want to be there, and 2 AM when I "wake up". For those hours in between, I'm still Eric, but it's like watching everything through a dream state. It's like I'm there, but not in control. Usually in a case like that, my feminine side will take over. The shy and submissive side that just takes everything and doesn't say much. Or, maybe it'll be my stronger dominant angry side, that takes nothing off of anyone, and tends to say whatever the fuck he feels like.
Just to re-interate, I dont have multiple personalities. It's like taking a pie, spliting it into three pieces, and adding three different spices to each. They're all the same pie, come from the main pie, but taste a little different.
Now I'm at a point in my life where I understand what I have, but don't know what to do with it. I need all three sides to be sane. So, I need to be a girl every once in a while. The problem is, I'm back where I started. I can't find anyone who can help me. I've been on this site for about three years, and so far I can't find anyone. I've tried clubs, groups, online, everything. I need help, and I don't know where to look.
I need supplies, a dominant woman, and a safe place to play. I need suggestions. This isn't just a matter of playing anymore... I need this. I need to understand it. So, anything anyone can do to help me... I'm up for listening.
I'm right outside of Dallas, Texas in Garland, and I'm a 23 year old male if that helps at all.
Thank you all so much.
-Eric
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