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How busy can a Master be?? - 12/21/2008 6:09:13 PM   
Ariella10


Posts: 17
Joined: 10/3/2008
Status: offline 		i come here frequently to get advice and see what others think of certain situations.  Right now i am so confused and hurt. Could be sub-drop, as i am new to this i dont know.  So, if any could give me good advice, please go ahead.  My 'problem' started about beginning of November.  Master says he's busy, alot.  We used to communicate alot, now it is infrequent and he always has an excuse.  We have played once in 2 mths and wont see each other over Xmas.  No presents, not even a card.  We have been seeing each other since August.  He says he will have time in the new year and will see me early in it. Frankly, if this was a vanilla relationship i'd tell him to hit the road.  But, this is my first of this type, and i want to know if this is common or not.  Asked him if he is seeing another, and he says no, just busy.  How busy can one be??  i feel abandoned and ignored.  i do everything i can in my power to make him happy and i am feeling like the only good thing im good for is to please him and then be put in the closet and taken out and played with when convenient.  Sorry for this lovely little rant, but i am at the end of my rope here (no pun intended).  i thought i would have had a nice Xmas this year, but it seems i'm not good enough to be in his presence.  i'm so depressed it makes me sick to think i've been used and am disgusted at myself bc of my weakness. i know every relationship is different, but is this normal?  i feel its not, and am ready to walk.  Any advice for this very hurt/depressed sub would be appreciated greatly. 
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: How busy can a Master be?? - 12/21/2008 6:18:12 PM   
chamberqueen


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline 		It's impossible to know another's exact circumstances.  Assuming there is a standard 8 hour a day job and a commute he will be at least that busy.  If he works overtime, someone in his family has health issues, or some other pressure then that would also keep him busy.  He has told you things will settle down after the beginning of the year and that is just ten days away.  You don't mention how far apart you live from each other but if it is a fairly long drive he may have a difficulty in setting aside the time for it.

Sometimes relationships seem to start out intensely and then the cool off quickly.  I understand how you feel.  I think that many subs have times when they feel that they are little more than a convenient plaything.  If things don't change you may want to do a lot of thinking about whether you are getting what you need from the relationship.  However, I do see it as a positive that he believe that things will be getting better in the near future.


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RE: How busy can a Master be?? - 12/21/2008 6:26:00 PM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		My advice to you is to give him the same level of attention he gives you.  See what happens.  Meanwhile, have a nice xmas without him.  I'm guessing you've had xmas in the past without him and know how to go about having fun without him.

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“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
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RE: How busy can a Master be?? - 12/21/2008 6:41:01 PM   
natasha66


Posts: 321
Joined: 10/14/2006
From: NJ
Status: offline 		He said he'd have more time in the new year.  Take him at his word, and if that proves not to be the case, then start thinking about moving on.  I'd wait and see what happens....

_____________________________

"If you bother me again I shall visit you in the small hours of the night and put a bat up your nightdress".
~Basil Fawlty

Collared June 4th, 2008
Love is giving him the power to destroy you, but trusting him not to.



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RE: How busy can a Master be?? - 12/21/2008 6:42:46 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		If someone is busy and they care about you... which would include helping you through being away from them if they really were busy... I would think they would tell you why they are busy so that you wouldn't be hurt and so they wouldn't lose you to that hurt.  He is either very unaware and thoughtless or he is playing a game.  Someone who cares about you would not do this to you and I think deep down you know that. 

You are not thriving and at this time of year, can you believe he is just busy?  To busy to give some comfort to you while he is so busy?  Even a phone call here and there?

Don't waste your life giving all you have to give to get so little back.  No man, woman or dominant is worth that.  I really wish you well and hope you can find some comfort at least during this time.  I know how it feels to be alone at Christmas when you thought things would be far different.  Treat yourself to something nice... remember... you are beautiful and there is more to come... Good luck!

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RE: How busy can a Master be?? - 12/21/2008 6:44:06 PM   
oceanwynds


Posts: 1044
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline 		Hi
From reading your post he got busy in November and will remain busy till the first part of Jan. This is the time where a lot of people have family obligations and perhaps extra work put on them. Most people I know have a hectic life in those two months. You have only known his a short time, so for me it makes sense that you are not being included at this time with his busy schedule. Be it D/s or vanilla, i would just wait a bit and see what materializes.

Due to obligations, there were times i didn't even see Sir for 3 months. It was his actions though that i observed. I was looking at if he spent any time with me via email or phone. Yes i missed our play ect. but what was most important was his communication. Did he imply i was still a part of his life, not just the sex. That is important to me. If that wasn't implied then i would have closed the door.

oceanwynds

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RE: How busy can a Master be?? - 12/21/2008 7:05:12 PM   
marie2


Posts: 1690
Joined: 11/4/2008
From: Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Ariella10

... i feel abandoned and ignored.... 

....i am feeling like the only good thing im good for is to please him and then be put in the closet and taken out and played with when convenient.....  

..... i'm so depressed it makes me sick to think i've been used..... 

.... this very hurt/depressed sub.... 


Do you think you're feeling all this stuff by accident? 

Is this stuff common?  Sure, unfortunately it happens.   Is this something you should suck up?  What more do you need than what you've already said above. 

Even if 50 people came along and said "oh sure, that's perfectly normal", do you think you'd no longer feel hurt and used and put in the closet? 

The point is, it's not working for you.  I could see giving him the benefit of the doubt if you mentioned one or two things that were positive, but you didn't.  How are you going to feel if you stay for more of this treatment and get even more invested in this man?   Why don't you take the money you were going to spend on him for xmas and use it to treat yourself to something that will make you feel good.  Like maybe a sexy outfit and a new pair of stilettos to wear on your first date with your next dom.

(in reply to Ariella10)
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RE: How busy can a Master be?? - 12/21/2008 7:22:27 PM   
sweetNsassyPGH


Posts: 12
Joined: 11/2/2008
Status: offline 		I was in a D/s relationship with a man who identified himself as a Dom... After about 3 months, he started to be too busy to chat with me... (This was a LDR, with us meeting in real time every 5-6 weeks)  He gave me a lot of reasons why he was so busy... I believed him, being patient... He kept saying next month it would be different... his schedule would free up more...

In trying to keep busy and learn more about D/s relationships, I joined alot of Yahoo groups... Thats when I found post after post from him, in several groups... He was flirting, and clearly seeking to connect with other women... When I confronted him, he denied what my own eyes had seen... He said he was just posting to relax and make friends...

After months of being lied to... being put off... being patient... I told him either he had to make time for me, or I was ending it...  He said he realized he wasnt really a Dom after all... He broke off our D/s relationship, but wanted to keep playing and getting together when we could...

Because of how I felt about him I actually tried that arrangement for about 6 weeks... The two times we did meet were incredible... but then he would push me away and ignore me... I finally ended it about 7 weeks ago... too hurt and to angry to continue anymore...

I was feeling used and taken for granted... I now realize that no one is that busy that they cant say Hello... or send a quick message... If someone cares about you, they make time to connect and let you know that you matter...

I dont regret spending that much time with him... nor do I regret taking so long to be able to let go and move on... It was quite a learning experience for me... and quite a time of self reflection and growth...

However, I would never do that again... I need to be treated with respect, with care, with honesty... I deserve that...and I wont settle for less again... I wont make excuses for any man, vanilla or Dom, who doesnt meet my needs... who doesnt give me the time and attention I deserve or need... who treats me like an occasional play partner or booty call...

This is just MY experience... and my two cents...

(in reply to marie2)
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RE: How busy can a Master be?? - 12/21/2008 7:32:45 PM   
Usako


Posts: 697
Joined: 7/29/2006
From: NYC
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Ariella10
Frankly, if this was a vanilla relationship i'd tell him to hit the road.  But, this is my first of this type, and i want to know if this is common or not.


I stopped after this line. Do NOT check your common sense at the door when entering BDSM. Why would you not put up with this but do so with a man just because it's BDSM? If YOU are unhappy then there is a issue.

However, I don't know him nor you nor all the details. I suggest weighing the options and then sitting down with him, face to face, and talking it over. Let him know how you feel, etc etc. Lay everything out on the table, wait for his reaction and go from there; listening to both common sense and what your gut tells you. It might get better after January, it might not...but I think he should know all this, not us.

(in reply to Ariella10)
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RE: How busy can a Master be?? - 12/21/2008 8:16:50 PM   
califsue


Posts: 593
Joined: 2/2/2008
Status: offline 		We can all offer advice but we don't know what is keeping him busy.
When I was with Master we had a good couple of months where he
made time and kept in contact. Then health issues started with his
parents and things just kept happening and although I wrote every day,
he did not. Now, he is retired and lives about 60 miles from me.
I had others tell me he could make time for me and quite possibly he could have.
What I found out the end of October is that he was seeking treatment
for an alcohol addiction. He is now a recovering addict and in hindsight
the lack of attention and communication was due to his addiction.
This time of year is busy for many and your Master may have other priorities.
The question to ask yourself is are you willing to live with what he is able to provide at this time.
If not, then you need to make the decision that works for you. I would wonder what is keeping him
busy. Job, parents, kids, financial worries, drugs or alcohol. Are the excuses he gives you legitimate?
 

 

(in reply to Usako)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: How busy can a Master be?? - 12/21/2008 8:35:06 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Relationship skills and needs do not magically change because you suddenly add the word BDSM. If you need to be more than a fuck buddy, you need to be someone who is also a partner, a love interest etc then you need it. He is very clear that you aren't worth buying a $20 gift for. You aren't worth a half hour phone call. You don't merit being clued in on what's happening in his life.

I'm sorry but if he has time to watch a football game, he has time to talk to you. He just doesn't care to unless it's going to get him laid.

Don't make anybody a priority who makes you an option. You deserve better, go get it.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


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Profile   Post #: 11
RE: How busy can a Master be?? - 12/21/2008 8:52:04 PM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		Yes inconsiderate males yanking female's chains is common, if you're picking the type to do so.  Honestly this is no different than vanilla relationships, in  that people  can be  dicks and treat others poorly or can be lazy about the relationship if you allow it.

As to how busy can one be? I can't speak for any one but myself or my partner or my experience, but Daddy has never been so busy he can't spare one second to say hi I'm really busy, can't talk much but I did wish to say hi. And any other people I have been in a relationship busy or not would scrape out a few seconds for me even if they were busy.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Ariella10

i come here frequently to get advice and see what others think of certain situations.  Right now i am so confused and hurt. Could be sub-drop, as i am new to this i dont know.  So, if any could give me good advice, please go ahead.  My 'problem' started about beginning of November.  Master says he's busy, alot.  We used to communicate alot, now it is infrequent and he always has an excuse.  We have played once in 2 mths and wont see each other over Xmas.  No presents, not even a card.  We have been seeing each other since August.  He says he will have time in the new year and will see me early in it. Frankly, if this was a vanilla relationship i'd tell him to hit the road.  But, this is my first of this type, and i want to know if this is common or not.  Asked him if he is seeing another, and he says no, just busy.  How busy can one be??  i feel abandoned and ignored.  i do everything i can in my power to make him happy and i am feeling like the only good thing im good for is to please him and then be put in the closet and taken out and played with when convenient.  Sorry for this lovely little rant, but i am at the end of my rope here (no pun intended).  i thought i would have had a nice Xmas this year, but it seems i'm not good enough to be in his presence.  i'm so depressed it makes me sick to think i've been used and am disgusted at myself bc of my weakness. i know every relationship is different, but is this normal?  i feel its not, and am ready to walk.  Any advice for this very hurt/depressed sub would be appreciated greatly. 

(in reply to Ariella10)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: How busy can a Master be?? - 12/21/2008 9:34:24 PM   
utopicus


Posts: 97
Joined: 8/27/2008
Status: offline 		The best you can do, in my opinion, is to use your good common sense and ask him to hit the road! If a partner, regardless of the relationship type, be it "vanilla" or not, doesn't have the decency to send you at least a Christmas card, let alone to call you or write to you, then he's at least ill-mannered if not born and raised in jungle by wolves! Damn!

Sorry, I got carried away. You do have feelings, because you are human, and if your heart is not being taken care of, then find somebody who can and will do so!
Do not regard yourself as being in any way inferior, for the simple fact that you are submissive. You deserve the best and it's only in your power to get the best!

(in reply to Ariella10)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: How busy can a Master be?? - 12/22/2008 12:41:41 AM   
mc1234


Posts: 683
Joined: 10/4/2008
Status: offline
quote:

We used to communicate alot, now it is infrequent and he always has an excuse.
Frankly, if this was a vanilla relationship i'd tell him to hit the road.
i'm so depressed it makes me sick to think i've been used and am disgusted at myself bc of my weakness.
i know every relationship is different, but is this normal?


Your relationship changed from the way it began, and now it's not working for you.  He's not making you a priority in his life, and is sending clear signals that he wants you to sit on the shelf until he's ready to deal with you again.  It could be that he's seeking/seeing another and wants you as backup; it could be that something's come up in his personal life that he doesn't wish to share with you; it could be that he doesn't feel intimate enough with you to share the holidays.  He could be married.  Bottom line is, if this were vanilla, you'd walk.  So, walk.  D/s is no different from vanilla relationships in that your needs should be fulfilled, and if they're not, and you're left feeling sad and alone, you should reconsider being committed in that relationship.

Unless there is some sort of emergency situation his life (parent in hospital; medical condition) there is always time to communicate, to pick up the phone while driving to pick up groceries and say 'hi, thinking of you' or to send a quick email. 


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Profile   Post #: 14
RE: How busy can a Master be?? - 12/22/2008 12:52:48 AM   
Aileen1968


Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline 		If someone is interested then they find the time.  It only takes five minutes to send off an email, a text or a phone call.

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RE: How busy can a Master be?? - 12/22/2008 4:47:25 AM   
CatdeMedici


Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline 		pretty busy if he's married.

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"Let's see-whips, dips, chains, chips, yep sounds like a party to Me!"

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RE: How busy can a Master be?? - 12/22/2008 6:05:53 AM   
starshineowned


Posts: 1551
Joined: 4/19/2005
From: Texas
Status: offline 		Greetings..

How far away is your Master? What reasons has he given you? Is there still some communication of a normal level "albeit shorter" but still of the interest kind or has it simply just dwindled to "I'm really busy now, and end of convo never bothering to ask anything about you"? You trusted him enough to go as far as calling him your Master and having play with him but now because your not getting things how you want..the trust isn't there that he'll have more time after the holidays? Are you still being communicative to him in the ways that you'd wish he was..short emails just to say hi, I miss you etc. or are your feelings hurt because he isn't doing it so your not going to do it either?

The list of reasons that can be applied here are to numerous to count. I'd atleast wait till the time he stated, and continue myself showing my interest and desires to be with him. You have responsibility to the relationship as well if it is to succeed.

Good Luck and Merry Xmas

starshine


_____________________________

"And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years." --Abraham Lincoln

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RE: How busy can a Master be?? - 12/22/2008 7:19:32 AM   
windchymes


Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline 		I don't mean to sound cruel, but the reality is, you aren't someone he feels warm and fuzzy enough about to want to spend any holiday time with.  He hasn't moved mentally to that place with you. 

Some people "compartmentalize" their lives very easily.  This person is a co-worker that he might have lunch with, and sit with if everyone goes out for a drink after work, but they would never just socialize away from some kind of work connection.  Another person is fun to date and have sex with but he would never take them to a family function.  Family members are at family functions only, but he wouldn't go see a movie with any of them.  Another person is someone he'd like to take home to mother but he gets so tongue-tied around her and his palms sweat so badly, he wouldn't dare even ask her out for coffee.  Another person....probably you....will have steamy chats and kinky sex with him, but once that itch is scratched, he's satisfied for awhile and persues other activities. 

It sucks and hurts, I've been there (and don't intend to go there ever again).  Just take it as a lesson and make a different choice next time, one that fills YOUR needs, not only his.  It's not only allowed, it's encouraged.

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Profile   Post #: 18
RE: How busy can a Master be?? - 12/22/2008 7:33:59 AM   
BRNaughtyAngel


Posts: 1821
Status: offline 		This is typical behavior of someone who's stringing you along while he waits for something "better", or he's married, or he's just an asshat...... or all of the above.

Do yourself a favor and find someone who actually MAKES the time to stay in contact with you and who wants to spend time with you.

I realize there are sub/slaves who aren't a part of their dominants personal lives, and some claim to be perfectly happy with that........ but don't settle for being a periodic distraction for someone.




(in reply to windchymes)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: How busy can a Master be?? - 12/22/2008 7:51:31 AM   
stella41b


Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline 		Okay, a simple analogy here, okay?

Our bodies need water. Without drinking water or other fluids we would dehydrate and quickly die. Feeling thirsty, parched and lethargic are signs that we haven't got enough water in our bodies.

All relationships need attention. Without attention the relationship shrivels up and dies. Feeling lonely, depressed, insecure are signs that we're not getting enough attention in the relationship.

This need for attention is the very first thing you learn about in life. The moment you pop out of your mother's womb as a newborn baby you find yourself in a hospital but also in life, you've been born, and you do the only thing you're capable of at the time - you bawl your lungs out until you get attention.

That's the only time life is simple and ideal. From that moment you got other people in your life, and life becomes more complicated. Learning to handle those complications and to interact with other people successfully so that everyone is happy is the biggest single lesson you learn in life and the biggest single cause for all the fuck ups, misunderstandings, failures and emotional pain you have to experience to learn all about the good things in life such as happiness, pleasure, satisfaction, love, and friendship.

Some people learn this quickly, some people don't. Some people learn this lesson more than once. Some people never learn.

It doesn't matter where or who but nowhere in life are you ever taught that it is right to give everything of yourself and not get anything back. Not at home, not in school, not anywhere else and not in the BDSM community. The only person who can ever put you into that situation where you're giving everything but not getting anything back is you. You always have, and will always have that choice.

The moral of this posting is to trust your instincts, the same instincts you had which made you bawl out during your very first moments of life. The challenge of course is to use everything you've learned and everything you know on this day in your life to make the necessary decisions to lead you away from the unhappiness and draw you more towards the happiness you obviously seek.

I wish you well.

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(in reply to Ariella10)
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