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AristoCat -> RE: Feeling alone and mistreated in a relationship (12/24/2008 10:51:19 PM)
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I guess it just happens a lot, relationships go sour. Whatever change happened that triggered this, is not so important. The fact is, he does not care about your feelings. Nor talk about his, as you describe it. The respect is gone too. It is hard to go through something like this, but maybe a lot of us, if not all, have been there at some point. There is this long time - it feels like it never ends - where everything is confused, where you are sad, trying to fix things, searching for the reasons or the miracle clue to fix the relationship - and then there is a point where things will be clear to you. Counseling, or even reading books or talking to girl and women friends, will help with this.
If he sees nothing wrong, one would assume he won't go to counseling so you got to do it for yourself and the relationship. And for clarity. There is a slim chance though that he gets it, that this is a serious issue for you. That you are being unhappy, IS a serious issue.
Let me just say one thing clearly: He CHOOSES to disrespect your feelings, to blow up at you, to be aggressive instead of talking about the anger he feels, for example. Let me put it that way: If someone has a bad day, does that give them the right to yell at someone? Anger is an emotion, aggression is the action. The emotion is there, comes and goes etc., the action is what we are responsible for. So is he.
OK, if I were you (I am trying to make this short, and I feel sorry for you), I'd shut down myself. Not talk much, see how things go. Leave him alone. Think about where my boundaries are. And try to find someone, a friend or a counselor to confide in. I would do my own things, plan things alone, go out by myself etc.
In this time and age, it became more difficult for men who are not as used to talking about feelings as women generally are. Still, it does not give them the right to be aggressive, to say hurtful things, to be inconsiderate, and: to blame you.
And to everybody who wonders how much you should have asked why or that you should not have: Anybody is free to ask. What is wrong with that?? A nice answer from a Master who does not want to discuss an issue, could simply be: "Please trust me. We negotiated that and you accepted that decisions will be made by me." (If that is so in your relationship.)
Please try to be a bit cool, keep in contact with friends and watch how things go. Do something for yourself, and do not look for blame inside yourself. You would know it if you had done something wrong. It does not seem like it.
Quite likely, this will teach you something, and you will know more about relationships later. It is just the way things go which does not make it less sad. The more important are friends and co-workers. You have a life, girl. (I am saying that to myself too.) If you can't get counseling right away, simply do something that is good for yourself, like take up a class in pottery or yoga. He might not be nice to you but you can be nice to yourself.
Take care and good luck...
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