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When 1 + 1 + 1 just don't equal 3 - 12/22/2008 7:08:22 PM

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So we had a Date tonight.

We went out with a potential partner. It was the first meeting stage kinda date. You know the ones in the beginning when you talk about the simple things like Music and Movies and then eventually that conversation goes to Kink and then eventually you have a really deep conversation on the Nature of Poly and how it plays in your particular house and eventually you are left in the parking lot each staring at each other and wondering where things will go.

You part ways and reflect on the evening and then you talk to your partner and before they say a word you already know that no one was really feeling it.

This is what happened to us. The attraction was there but there was no connection. It seemed like she was interested in the Idea but just not that interested in us and because of that andi and I were not really all that comfortable and willing to put ourselves out there.

Does this ever happen to the Other Poly Couples who are looking to add that new addition? I mean it is so rare to actually find someone in our area who is like us that when we do we really want to make it work and when it doesn’t it just leaves us both feeling rather unwanted.

How do you deal with this? Are you even able to relate?

All Comments are Welcome.

Steel & andi

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RE: When 1 + 1 + 1 just don't equal 3 - 12/22/2008 7:13:43 PM

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Sure, it's a human thing, monogamists experience this all the time also. Mostly you feel grateful that you found out early and easily.

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(in reply to SteelofUtah)

RE: When 1 + 1 + 1 just don't equal 3 - 12/22/2008 7:17:42 PM

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Yeah I get that. It isn't the Normal, Oh no this one doesn't like me I'll be alone forever. It's more a feeling of they are so few and far inbetween that when one that seemed so promising goes south it just makes you sick you know? I mean on Paper we were wonderful for one another and then in person bubkiss.

Steel

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(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

RE: When 1 + 1 + 1 just don't equal 3 - 12/22/2008 7:27:37 PM

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Why wouldn't it happen to others. The better phrasing would of been who else has this happened to, since if you can ask has it happened, it likely has.

quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah

Does this ever happen to the Other Poly Couples who are looking to add that new addition?
All Comments are Welcome.

Steel & andi

(in reply to SteelofUtah)

RE: When 1 + 1 + 1 just don't equal 3 - 12/22/2008 7:30:14 PM

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~Fast Reply~

Yup and it sucks. I've talked to several women and met one. But I keep talking, looking and showing up at events and who knows? Sooner or later!

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RE: When 1 + 1 + 1 just don't equal 3 - 12/22/2008 7:33:00 PM

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From: Virginia Beach, VA
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It's always disappointing, but sometimes people just don't click. It's rare enough when two people feel sparks; much more challenging when you throw in another potential partner (or two or three...). And boy oh boy - trying to find someone for two people to share? That's Advanced Poly Dating for sure :-)

I'm finding it so much easier to date separately from my other partners. Yes, we'd all love it if we had a Mega-Happy Lovefest, but realistically, the odds aren't in favor for us all to have one lover in common who loves (or even just likes) us all in return. We keep the possibilities open, of course, and don't like to label our various polyships. Flux is growth and that's a good thing.

Hang in there! Don't take this mis-connection as a bad thing. All three of you were able to walk away pretty much unscathed (except for maybe slightly bruised egos all around).

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(in reply to SteelofUtah)

RE: When 1 + 1 + 1 just don't equal 3 - 12/23/2008 5:13:41 AM

crystalslv680247

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Yes, finding even someone to consider coming on board as a third, is a success. When the initial meet does not work out, all those 'little' hopes get smashed. Finding someone to blend with two takes time.

(in reply to SteelofUtah)

RE: When 1 + 1 + 1 just don't equal 3 - 12/23/2008 9:00:37 AM

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My guess is that you have not had a chance to safely explore what you are all about, with each other.

Continue the dialogue. Maybe the moon was in Capricorn. (that's a joke) That is, everyone has cycles, and dont make one meeting about the entire process.

Ask the person to get on alt.com and fill out the entire questionaire. Or fill it out yourself, print it off and mail it to the person and ask them to let you know if they are interested in some but not all of it. there is no perfect match. alt.com uses the Briggs Meyers personality test or maybe its Meyers Briggs. Check it out.

Do their astrology. use astrodienst.com astro click partners. see what patterns there are. EXPLORE. CONSIDER. OPEN THE CONSIDERATION.

Invite the person to something, something mild and just fun. Let the realities of your various interests and chemistries become known over time. Have them over for dinner now and then.

(in reply to crystalslv680247)

RE: When 1 + 1 + 1 just don't equal 3 - 12/23/2008 1:49:13 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah

How do you deal with this? Are you even able to relate?

I found the best way was not to expect a connection in the first place. But.. .open to it if it should occur.

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An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to SteelofUtah)

RE: When 1 + 1 + 1 just don't equal 3 - 12/23/2008 3:54:56 PM

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From: Indiana
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Happens all the time, square peg in the round hole...nope, don't fit. Nothing really to deal with, just write it off as an interesting (or not) date that didn't go anywhere and be grateful you figured that out early on.

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(in reply to SteelofUtah)

RE: When 1 + 1 + 1 just don't equal 3 - 12/23/2008 4:40:19 PM

ArizonaProDomme

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A little off from your poly question (OP) but.... something to think about is that though there are few isnt it better to get the best then what is just available? So many times in my searches I think oh this one is so great such a good one and then it ends for whatever reason......instead of beating myself up I have chosen to think instead that if that one was so good then the next one will be even better and that means Im that much closer to getting what I really want. If you start collectively beating yourselves up, its almost like rejecting yourself all over again and then that is what you are projecting back to others.....be positive continue to focus only on what you want and not what you dont want (to be rejected)....if it was a almost there...then you are almost there as well!!!!!!!!

< Message edited by ArizonaProDomme -- 12/23/2008 4:53:02 PM >

(in reply to ScooterTrash)

RE: When 1 + 1 + 1 just don't equal 3 - 12/23/2008 10:21:51 PM

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Sorry that you guys had a negative experience. :<
I would highlight the positive in terms of relationship attunement: you both knew right away it was a no-go and you have such an affinity for one another that you were able to key in on each others' responses/feelings without even a word (Though, you were able to discuss it, which is another plus).
Imo, if you're going into a poly- situation as an established couple, you're courting disaster if you aren't on the same page and things aren't right between you. When my ex- and I were good, our relationship was steadfast regardless of poly- drama, when things were not good, the poly-drama only made things worse and as a 3rd in a relationship, with the established couple's relationship f-ed up, it was a mess. Instability as a couple isn't what you elucidated here, so I would say kudos for the early recognition while also acknowledging that it does suck and that, again, I am sorry. Sending good thoughts to you and andi.
Davan

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(in reply to ArizonaProDomme)

RE: When 1 + 1 + 1 just don't equal 3 - 12/29/2008 3:04:04 PM

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I meet with people without having any sort of expectation other than a conversation. Too much pressure blows the chemistry and can cause people to make stupid mistakes and say dumb things. Leave your egos out of it until you actually get to know the person in real time for a while, otherwise treat it like shopping for a car.

You would not expect every car on the lot to be what you wanted or even that every dealer would have the make, model and financing you like. Nor would you take it personally if you had to keep looking and shopping and waiting until you got what you both wanted.

(Note-I am more of a rational pragmatist than a romantic so this approach works for me and may not work for anybody else!)

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(in reply to SteelofUtah)

RE: When 1 + 1 + 1 just don't equal 3 - 12/30/2008 12:57:53 AM

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This has not happened to me personally but I am sure it is common...sometimes the connection just is not there for one reason or another

(in reply to Vendaval)

RE: When 1 + 1 + 1 just don't equal 3 - 12/30/2008 5:39:45 AM

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Hi Steel. My regards to andi.

Has it happened? Sure it has. Yes, it does suck and yes there is something of a let down over it. I can absolutely relate.

Believe it or not, I think you answered your own question. The thing is, they are rare. Finding that right person who is a good fit for your family doesn't happen every day. The other way of looking at that is that most of the people won't fit. Even when they look good on paper.

Hey, Steel. I'm going to tell you something. I know you probably don't want to hear the sentimental stuff just now, but it might be worth something. See, the way you get over that feeling of disappointment, is to keep the hope going. Having the opportunity to see what wasn't right about this person, is going to make the person who is right just all that much better. That person is so worth waiting for.

I'll tell you a little secret. Yesterday, I was riding in the car to go to a dinner with the extended family. Nothing special, just a little impromptu thing. Well, there I was in the passenger seat, going to the deli, My husband holding one hand and My boy holding the other. It was the best thing in the whole world.

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RE: When 1 + 1 + 1 just don't equal 3 - 1/3/2009 11:36:17 AM

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Steel, you and andi seem like a wonderful couple, and just from your posts here in the Poly lifestyles discussions you make me wish I could be there and see if I were the one for both of you! You seem like you have a lot to offer, and I have no doubt that you will find one who satisfies all your wildest dreams (or most of them anyway) It will happen when the time is right. Don't lose hope yet!

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RE: When 1 + 1 + 1 just don't equal 3 - 1/3/2009 2:01:09 PM

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We now look at it as an interview, it's a process...
We try not to invest to much emotion in the beginning, being well aware of the chances for a fail..
Obviously there are always emotions involved, you just have to learn how to place them..
Don't got out looking for the 'perfect' Lady..Go out and look for friendship...That's when you end up stumbling into a lovey lady's lap

& Yeah, it would be nice if situations like these were less frequent & It were easier to find a woman that fits.
~Morgan

(in reply to sleeper798)

RE: When 1 + 1 + 1 just don't equal 3 - 1/4/2009 9:09:50 PM

MarksFantasyGirl

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Fast reply:

I really don't know much about the poly lifestyle, but I would have to think that it would be even harder for a couple to find another partner, then for an individual to find one. I mean, you have to find someone that not only gets along well enough with YOU to want to spend time with you, but they have to get along with you AND your partner. I would have to think that would make the dating game even harder than it already is. But My advise to you, is don't give up. From what I know of You and Your andi, Y/you will find what Y/your searching for. :) That's the advise I give to anyone searching for that "someone special" lol Good luck!

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RE: When 1 + 1 + 1 just don't equal 3 - 1/5/2009 7:25:28 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah

How do you deal with this? Are you even able to relate?

I found the best way was not to expect a connection in the first place. But.. .open to it if it should occur.

Yup I totally agree with this, my best relationships have been with people that I didnt meet up with to have a relationship, chance meetings at clubs and getting together for coffee etc. The thing is steele what you talk about happens to those seeking couples too. I know people say there arent many people out there looking to join a couple, well in the same regard there arent many worthwhile couples to join.

Chemistry is chemistry no matter what oriantation you are.

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RE: When 1 + 1 + 1 just don't equal 3 - 1/5/2009 8:32:55 AM

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Hello SteelofUtah, my comments are simply put: finding a match is hard true, and the one that You seek most likely will share many of the likes or disposition of Your andi. Many here are consistant in their comments of not expecting much on first meetings and letting it just "happen". But having met my Sir and His rose, first through talking online and in person and via phone, our interests are many and dispositions are much alike. It is not that all things have to be, but it is this girls feel that it will play a large part in the end results. So a great deal of time spent talking and learning of each in the "family's" habits, likes, and needs will fill in all the blanks and the relationship will grow from that. It's like peas in a pod! Good luck to You and andi.

< Message edited by ainesdream -- 1/5/2009 8:54:37 AM >

(in reply to colouredin)

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