RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice.

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All Forums >> [Casual Banter] >> Off the Grid >> RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice.

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RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. - 12/26/2008 9:05:28 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen1968
...Just the fact that you wanted to send a text to her from your stuffed animal is enough to make me run screaming from the room and never want to have a single thing to do with you again. You deal with shit like you're in junior high school.
Grow up and read the writing on the wall. She doesn't love you anymore. If she did she'd be there trying to work it out.

~Bolded emphasis added by me~

For me, the simple assessment I've quoted above cuts to the chase. I'll add some psychobabble based on personal experience: I perceive this entire episode, especially the involvement of friends and family and, most particularly, the creation of this public discussion, as your way of continuing the relationship...keeping it alive at any cost. By drawing outsiders into the story, you can still hang on to some small shred of what you had before the breakup. It's a scrap, and a small, pathetically distorted one at that, but at least it's something. Let it go. Let yourself learn from the experience. What you're doing now is the emotional equivalent of performing CPR on a corpse. If you're anything like how I used to be, you'll carry on this way for awhile longer, then, when you finally notice how much pain you're causing yourself, you'll knock it off.

That's how it looks to me, anyway.

Bob

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(in reply to Aileen1968)

RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. - 12/26/2008 9:18:29 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Raechard
The best way to get rid of an annoyance is by telling him straight the situation, not leaving him to second guess and think ‘perhaps if only I change in this way will can be happy again’.

Not the annoyances I know. I told my now-ex-husband straight out why I was leaving him, why I didn't trust him, why I would NEVER trust him again, that there was not a shred of hope in the world for us to EVER get back together. It's been 2 1/2 years. He is STILL campaigning for me to come back (well, okay, right up until I got the restraining order a couple of months ago).

Some annoyances, no matter HOW CLEAR you are, will never believe you.

Cali

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(in reply to Raechard)

RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. - 12/26/2008 9:20:03 AM

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FR- Breaking things out of anger is a sign that a person is immature and out of control, and those issues ought to be dealt with, regardless of what else they might lead to. If you need official reports to back that up, Google is at your disposal and anyone wishing to do his or her own research is more than welcome to. Whether something fits the definition of abuse is immaterial. If someone feels abused, that's all that counts. And it is not a sign of immaturity to pack up and leave without telling someone, it's a sign of self-preservation. Besides, we're only getting one side of the story here, no doubt well sanitised. People don't do the things that the OP's fiancée did just because they're a bit miffed and are being childish about resolving the situation.

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RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. - 12/26/2008 9:21:32 AM

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Who ever said they're having a successful partnership? I'm not responding to the OP's situation anymore because I've already given my opinion about it and frankly his whole story isn't very interesting. He says he needs anger management. Great, I already told him to go get anger management.

What I do find worth responding to--because it's so potentially dangerous--is all the pop psychology that's being thrown about as if it were gospel. All these "well documented facts" that no one can find a shred of documentation for. I mean really, am I supposed to believe that WOMEN never break inanimate objects? People do all kinds of foolish things when they're angry and frustrated. It doesn't mean they're about to abuse someone.

Edited to add: I don't agree that the victim of alleged abuse has the sole authority to determine what is abuse, as you and Venatrix have just said, and thank God our legal system doesn't work that way--but I assume that's going to touch off yet another shitstorm, so I'm bidding this thread farewell.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Here's the deal. It doesn't matter a rat's ass what our definitions of abuse, intimidation, or fear are. Guess who's does?
That's right. The girl in question. The OP has said repeatedly that his behavior scared her. Even if it didn't, she picked up and moved out. Now, I'm not a relationship expert, but I get the feeling that isn't a sign of a successful partnership.

< Message edited by Lordandmaster -- 12/26/2008 9:25:50 AM >

(in reply to LadyPact)

RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. - 12/26/2008 9:34:20 AM

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Yes there are always exceptions to the rule and extreme cases, the 1 out of 10 cases. If you've told the person then that's all you can do short of involving the law but if you haven’t then he has no reason to stop because none has been given.

I have to say that overall the feel I got from the op was that they had their troubles a while ago in the past and then out of the blue she left and he has been talking through everyone that knows her but not actually to her, apart from on the phone by text and that could be anyone anyway. It's not the same as seeing the person tell you with their own words coming out of their own mouth. Maybe she is scared of him but she could go to meet him with someone and say that. I think there is probably more to this than any of of us here know about. The op knows next to nothing about why she left and he is our only source of information.

If MissSaishuu logged on and said "yes he scares me so I left him" fair enough
If MrsSaishuu logged on and said "yes he scares my daughter so she left him" fair enough

All we have is the opinion of someone that doesn't think too highly of himself anyway.

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RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. - 12/26/2008 9:35:48 AM

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I would feel very concerned about playing with any so-called dominant who espouses the views you have put forth here. Just my opinion.

(in reply to Lordandmaster)

RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. - 12/26/2008 9:38:19 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster

What I do find worth responding to--because it's so potentially dangerous--is all the pop psychology that's being thrown about as if it were gospel. All these "well documented facts" that no one can find a shred of documentation for. I mean really, am I supposed to believe that WOMEN never break inanimate objects? People do all kinds of foolish things when they're angry and frustrated. It doesn't mean they're about to abuse someone.

LaM it's not so much the breaking of inanimate objects which is the issue here, but the fact that the OP even after so many plages cannot see the reality of the situation, and it's specifically that mental state of being so out of touch with what is actually going on which makes the breaking of the inanimate object different, it's the intention.

But you know a crime isn't about the action alone, but also the motive, reason and intention carried. This is what distinguishes accidental death and manslaughter from first degree murder.

Same too with actions. The action alone means nothing, but every action carries with it an intention, motive and reason.

You don't need documentation. Just need to go for a walk, down to the local police station, down to the nearby homeless shelter, you can also try the places where they dole out welfare, talk to people, listen to them, you might end up one day understanding.

ETA: However I'm loath to label the OP an abuser, despite having no qualms about pointing out his behaviour as potentially abusive. There's more than one side here, the OP is only 21 years old, he can and no doubt will learn, but that doesn't change the situation which is as is, and I'm taking him at his word.

< Message edited by stella41b -- 12/26/2008 9:43:29 AM >

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(in reply to Lordandmaster)

RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. - 12/26/2008 9:41:13 AM

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<<<< is a dangerous person who spreads false domestic abuse information out there and taints and ruins the minds and relationships of silly fools who listen to her.

Happy now Lordandmaster? What a fucking joke!

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RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. - 12/26/2008 9:44:10 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster

Who ever said they're having a successful partnership? I'm not responding to the OP's situation anymore because I've already given my opinion about it and frankly his whole story isn't very interesting. He says he needs anger management. Great, I already told him to go get anger management.

What I do find worth responding to--because it's so potentially dangerous--is all the pop psychology that's being thrown about as if it were gospel. All these "well documented facts" that no one can find a shred of documentation for. I mean really, am I supposed to believe that WOMEN never break inanimate objects? People do all kinds of foolish things when they're angry and frustrated. It doesn't mean they're about to abuse someone.

Edited to add: I don't agree that the victim of alleged abuse has the sole authority to determine what is abuse, as you and Venatrix have just said, and thank God our legal system doesn't work that way--but I assume that's going to touch off yet another shitstorm, so I'm bidding this thread farewell.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Here's the deal. It doesn't matter a rat's ass what our definitions of abuse, intimidation, or fear are. Guess who's does?
That's right. The girl in question. The OP has said repeatedly that his behavior scared her. Even if it didn't, she picked up and moved out. Now, I'm not a relationship expert, but I get the feeling that isn't a sign of a successful partnership.

I am not talking about legally, the burden of proof required for a criminal conviction is a separate issue, but in terms of my determining whether or not to continue a relationship, you bet your ass I have the sole authority to determine what is abuse.

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RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. - 12/26/2008 9:47:42 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

<<<< is a dangerous person who spreads false domestic abuse information out there and taints and ruins the minds and relationships of silly fools who listen to her.

Happy now Lordandmaster? What a fucking joke!

Huh? What was that about taint?

I do love me some taint... Yummy...

(in reply to Lockit)

RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. - 12/26/2008 9:50:46 AM

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LOL I guess I have it in spades! lol I also do a mean witches brew... tasteeeeeee.. want some? I so love tainting the world! lol Funny I was one of the most recomended lay counslers in the area I worked and asked to speak and work at the towns shelters and news paper... of which I do have proof of... yikes.. one scary broad I am... any takers on wanting some taint from a crazy domme? hehe

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RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. - 12/26/2008 9:52:12 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

LOL I guess I have it in spades! lol I also do a mean witches brew... tasteeeeeee.. want some? I so love tainting the world! lol Funny I was one of the most recomended lay counslers in the area I worked and asked to speak and work at the towns shelters and news paper... of which I do have proof of... yikes.. one scary broad I am... any takers on wanting some taint from a crazy domme? hehe

uhh, Lockit... that wasn't the kinda taint I had in mind dear.

(in reply to Lockit)

RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. - 12/26/2008 9:54:27 AM

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I'm the crazy domme... it is my choice! hehe

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RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. - 12/26/2008 9:56:18 AM

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While I get that anger is a "normal emotion" how you express it is the important key, if it escalates and causes fear in your partner, rightly or wrongly, they are the one feeling something is wrong, you cant make their emotions change. They are the one that makes a decision to do something about it. Leaving and taking half the furniture is better than someone ending up more hurt or dead, by her deciding to take him out in his sleep. Often fear is insidious, you dont recognize it until it gets tooo much.
Lucy

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(in reply to Lockit)

RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. - 12/26/2008 10:02:23 AM

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As far as the abuse of inanimate objects goes.…
How many people here have expressed anger at their PC's and threatened to damage them due to poor connection speeds? Let us take the next logical step and say this is a threat of violence to all of us and should be dealt with by the law. Sounds like a thought crime to me.

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RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. - 12/26/2008 10:16:13 AM

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Breaking things is unacceptable in my world. To handle that much anger... like when my um's were stolen and taken out of the country... I ran until I passed out... then got busy getting them back. One can run... hit a base ball... many things.

As for the communication some think the op's ex was faulty... I cannot agree. She did say according to him that he would know if he thought about it. God, I remember saying those words...in fact to the one to took my um's. He thought we had a great relationship. Sure it was great if you liked having to give him what he wanted or someone got punished and mostly the um's. He could not understand why I left... but the police... family, friends, church and all others knew exactly why I did. Hell he said I got a hysterectomy just so I didnt have to have another um. Silly rabbit... It doesn't work that way!

< Message edited by Lockit -- 12/26/2008 10:17:29 AM >

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RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. - 12/26/2008 10:28:24 AM

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Cast your minds back ten pages
To the OP posting feeling maybe a bit of a fool
This thread started in General BDSM Discussion
Started contrary to posting rule
And the Mods are looking on
We're going to have to play it cool
Even calling someone here a liar
Could set this whole thread on fire
Get the Posters Brigade, get the Posters brigade
See the thread is start to really burn
Get the Posters Brigade, get the Posters Brigade
If you post you've got to wait your turn

Friends all seem to post
I feel I have to make a compromsie
Try to reassure myself
My fingers need some exercise
Half past ten in the morning
Some dominant took me by surprise
Even calling someone here a liar
Could set this whole thread on fire
Get the Posters Brigade, get the Posters brigade
See the thread is start to really burn
Get the Posters Brigade, get the Posters Brigade
If you post you've got to wait your turn

The pages on this thread are filling up
I love that you are all here, I am here, I am here

I notice that my eyes scan the top of the Off Topic page
This Saturday
Recent postings seem to suggest
We may need the regular posters anyway
Though the Mods are looking on
We're going to have to play it cool
Even calling someone here a liar
Could set this whole thread on fire
Get the Posters Brigade, get the Posters brigade
See the thread is start to really burn
Get the Posters Brigade, get the Posters Brigade
If you post you've got to wait your turn

original by The Move

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RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. - 12/26/2008 10:30:19 AM

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LOL Stella!

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RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. - 12/26/2008 10:32:49 AM

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Stella you are simply divine

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(in reply to Lockit)

RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. - 12/26/2008 10:50:35 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

quote:

ORIGINAL: rulemylife

So he got her new number from a friend.

That qualifies him as a stalker?

Jesus!!!!!!

No more Lifetime Channel for you.

You bet your fat ass it does! While there is drama enough on both sides of this story, what part of THE BITCH MOVED OUT, TOOK HER FUCKING FURNITURE AND DIDN'T LEAVE A NUMBER...do you not get?

While this isn't stalking on the level of peaking in the windows but it is stalking none the less and should stop.

The part I don't get is why you have another thread going pissing and moaning about the problems you used to have while you are flying off the handle here.

Guess that whole anger management thing isn't working out so well, huh?

< Message edited by rulemylife -- 12/26/2008 10:52:03 AM >

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

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