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Ridiculous fear... - 12/26/2008 10:12:18 PM   
porcelain26


Posts: 181
Joined: 11/16/2007
Status: offline 		Okay, I realize this is ridiculous, but I can't seem to shake it, so I figured I'd come here and see if you guys could offer some sound advice.

Here is my current issue: I've recently lost over 50lbs (and am still loosing) using exercise and diet, and am preparing for a Lap Band which will probably be done in the next 3-4 months. While part of me is happy about this, the rest of me is almost resentful about it. I find myself throwing away compliments about how well I'm doing, or nice I'm looking, minimalizing my success, and even complaining about how my clothes no longer fit right. I really don't understand my attitude problem all that well, except I suspect things are just changing so fast that emotionally I'm not really keeping up.

Have any of you ever dealt with this? Loosing weight and not 'adjusting' well to it? Any suggestions about how to reconfigure my attitude?

*edited cuz I can't spell

< Message edited by porcelain26 -- 12/26/2008 10:14:20 PM >
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RE: Ridiculous fear... - 12/27/2008 12:31:49 AM   
proudsub


Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline 		Congratulations on your weight loss. I can't address your fears, but i am wondering why you are planning surgery if you are doing so well with diet and exercise.

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RE: Ridiculous fear... - 12/27/2008 12:43:51 AM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline 		Perhaps it has something to do with all the compliments.  People start giving you more positive attention for how you look on the outside; yet, you are still the same person on the inside.  People WILL treat you differently, and it WILL piss you off (if you're like most people).

Minimizing your own successes could be that you ARE feeling resentful about people treating you differently, or you are anticipating them treating you differently, or you don't want to make a big deal out of what is going on because you are afraid of failing.  If it's not a big deal to lose weight, it won't be a big deal when you put it back on, right?  And NO, I'm not saying that's what is going to happen, I'm saying that could be what your subconscious has going on.

In any case, I think the internal conflict is perfectly normal, and will smooth out over time.  Perhaps in the meantime, you could make a conscious effort to stop yourself when you realize that you're minimizing your successes.  Practice just smiling and saying "thank you" when people compliment you. 

Good luck and congratulations!

Cali


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RE: Ridiculous fear... - 12/27/2008 1:03:48 AM   
myotherself


Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline 		I know exactly what you mean!  Last year I lost 70lbs and even now I'm struggling to cope with it.  Suddenly people are complimenting me on my appearance and my hard work, and part of me thinks 'so you thought I was fat and self-indulgent before? Gee, thanks!'. 

I still see myself as my fat former self.  I see compliments as sarcasm...'you look good in that dress' comes across as 'bloody hell, you look like an elephant in that dress - what were you thinking!!!'.

I thought my self-esteem would rise as I looked better, and in a way it did.  But as with any big life change, it takes time to adjust to the new you.  Find something about your body that you now love, and concentrate on that.  I love being able to see my collarbones - they are my favourite bits of the 'new me'.  I hate my stomach and my legs, but I try to work on those and start loving myself a bit at a time.

You've done a fabulous job, and you should rightly be proud of yourself!



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RE: Ridiculous fear... - 12/27/2008 1:27:51 AM   
AmyGirl


Posts: 4
Joined: 6/24/2006
Status: offline 		First off congratulations. I know what some of this was like for me. I took off about 75 pounds a few years ago using adjustments in eating habits and exercise. I did not experience everything you mentioned. There were definite emotional components though.  The divided mind that you describe will be a tough challenge whatever method you use to interact with your body. Dealing with your emotions now will make things easier in the future. It's a simply skill set that might be rusty.

Fear of change is very common. For me sometimes it comes in the form of "if I'm not who or what i've always known myself to be, then will i know myself after all the change happens?" That can be quite unsettling! Fortunately, I can say that what is happening is that i feel like I'm becoming more of who I really am. It is an odd sensation and it still comes up for me. Just know that you are in good company.

Your self perception is being shifted and adjusted right now. It might feel alien to be in a "revised package". I visualized it as i was taking off a coat that didn't fit me anymore. Next i was stepping into the life i envisioned as the lighter, vibrant me.

A few things I found that helped me:

1. Breathing. When I got overwhelmed by emotions i gave myself permission to lie down, breathe and simply "be".
2. Journaling. I got a very, very pretty journal and a beautiful pen. In it I would ask myself random questions about whatever was going on in my brain and when was the first time I had a thought like it. Surprising things came out of that!!!!
3. Practice receiving gracefully. Learning to give to others by accepting compliments graciously. I used the mental thought that by accepting graciously i was giving to the complimenter and by dismissing a compliment i would be taking from them and "making them wrong". If you are a slave, or submissive, it works well to develop a gracious spirit. I looked at it like I was developing myself into a slave that is a blessing to my Master. It would have been inappropriate for me to argue with someone over a compliment. And dismissing a compliment is about invalidating someone else's experience.
4. Make up some ground rules for yourself about attitude. I believe that what I say helps create my perception of reality. A few simple ground rules had a profound effect.
5. Remember, "I am not my package". That means that the package can be whatever i choose to have it be that serves my life's purpose. My core essence will endure.

Some of my ground rules for attitude:
- No complaining.
- Eliminate gossip.
- Eliminate violent imagery & swearing in my language (things like: deadlines, bulleted lists, shooting for something, etc.)
- Smile and say thank you for all kindnesses while looking people in the eyes. Remember to breathe on this one!
- Forgive myself and accept i'm already a perfect human being.
- Releasing weight brings up fears or issues that weight managed before.The new me was called up to a bigger game in accepting fabulous situations into my life. My advice is to be curious about the "pay-offs" you are getting for all your behaviors, accept that you are in exactly the right place and learn to live in the gray areas of life.

It is still sometimes easier for me to focus on all the ways I'm not yet where i want to be. Celebrating my success felt odd for a long time. Now my friends and I do it together. Give yourself permission to be / feel fabulous!

Working on change can be tough or it can be riding in the flow of life. Sometimes it feels like both at the same time. lol.

Namaste,
Amy

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RE: Ridiculous fear... - 12/27/2008 5:03:24 AM   
RainydayNE


Posts: 978
Joined: 10/21/2008
Status: offline 		sometimes things like that come from being "resentful" of the change, whatever it is.
like you get to a point where you're comfortable with where you are. you may not necessarily like it, but it's what you KNOW.
and any change, even if it's positive, kinda puts you in the "unknown" and that might make you uncomfortable

plus, yeah, it's pretty annoying like... the moment you start getting skinnier, suddenly everyone wants to be your friend and "oh my you look nice!"
yeah but i'm exactly the same as i was in when i was chubbier and you didnt want to bother to know me THEN.
that's annoying =p

i'd just say... try to remmeber that it's all for you, in the end. your health will be better etc etc.
if you have to resort to bland "smile-n-nod," just do that, but remember, what they think in the end doesn't matter =p

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RE: Ridiculous fear... - 12/27/2008 7:02:13 AM   
chamberqueen


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline 		It can be easy to see compliments as backhanded - if they say you look good now what did they think before?  You'll find that with most compliments they are genuine.  Some of it could have to do with leftover distaste in your own mind for the size that you became.

I have also dealt with the clothes that don't fit.  (My greatest weight loss was 98 pounds.  Needless to say I went through a lot of sizes.  I regained part of the weight and this summer have lost 30 of what I put on so I am again dealing with baggy clothes and a shrinking bustline.)  I've actually had people laugh at me as I walk across the parking lot hitching up my jeans. 

Keep in mind what your weight loss is and what it isn't.  It IS something that should make you healthier, more energetic, and shows that you have exercised self control.  You can take pride in that.  It ISN'T the key to happiness, a magic charm that guarantees that you will find love, or a fix all.   What was always important was your mind and heart.  Just enjoy the little things like fitting more comfortably in a seat (I used to fly a lot and was thrilled when my thighs no longer pushed up the arm rests) and that the choice of clothing is often more attractive.  Know that your size does not define you.  If the compliments are difficult then just learn how to say, "thank you", and then change to subject.  : )


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RE: Ridiculous fear... - 12/27/2008 10:59:56 AM   
porcelain26


Posts: 181
Joined: 11/16/2007
Status: offline 		Thank you all so much!!!

Cali - "People WILL treat you differently, and it WILL piss you off "....arg, I really was hoping this would be a non-issue, but it's become glaringly obvious that it will be. I really appreciate your honesty and straightforwardness. Thank you.

Myotherself - "Find something about your body that you now love, and concentrate on that." This is such great advice, thank you!! And I have to admit, I'm falling for my collar bones as well!

AmyGirl - I don't even know where to start! Such fantastic advice; thank you!! I've copied down your 'ground rules' and will be altering them for myself *laughing* Thank you again!

RainyDay - you're right. The only person whose opinion really matters about my life, is my own. Thanks for the reminder and encouragement!

Chamberqueen - "Keep in mind what your weight loss is and what it isn't." I love this advice, thank you so much!!!

I know this is all about perspective, and it's been really eye opening and helpful to see it from other points of view. Thank you all so very, very much!!!



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RE: Ridiculous fear... - 12/27/2008 11:24:35 AM   
sirsholly


Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline 		sometimes when we want something so badly and it is so close to being ours, rather than flipping cartwheels we find ourselves stepping back and almost pushing it away. One of the reasons could be because now that you have what you longed for you are afraid you will be disappointed (ie..My life will be perfect if only i can lose weight). 

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RE: Ridiculous fear... - 12/27/2008 1:19:19 PM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: proudsub
but i am wondering why you are planning surgery if you are doing so well with diet and exercise.


I am wondering the same thing. It seems like you are doing such a fantastic job....why on earth not just continue what you are doing instead of undergoing a risky surgery?

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RE: Ridiculous fear... - 12/27/2008 2:39:24 PM   
porcelain26


Posts: 181
Joined: 11/16/2007
Status: offline 		I'm also on a drug called Fastin which is basically legal amphetamines. While on it, I have little to no appetite which makes it worlds easier to make healthy food choices. Unfortunately, I can't stay on this medication forever because, like amphetamines, it will eventually cause extremely nasty side effects. I have to see a doctor every month that I'm on it because the risk of heart murmurs is so high. Not to mention the fact that eventually, my body will become completely used to it and it will stop working. As it is, I have to go off of it every three months to keep that from happening. When off of the medication, my 'off switch' goes away completely, just like before I was on it. I very literally can't stop myself from eating. I will eat until I'm sick, and then eat some more, because I just can't stop. Now imagine having no 'off switch' for 27 years and it's fairly easy to see how I got so big.

Surgery is not a decision I reached quickly, nor do I believe it's going to be the 'easy way out'. It's simply a way for me to gain a permanent shut off to my hunger, that is adjustable no less! I've been under the care and supervision of a doctor and a dietician for the past six months, working my ass off (literally), taking meds, and making huge changes in my eating patterns all in an effort to make permanent changes now that will carry over after I've had the surgery. Having surgery isn't gonna fix a darn thing...not unless I've got my head in the right spot and healthy patterns formed before hand. I'm also an RN and the hospital that I work at is a bariatric surgery center of excellence, and I work on the surgery floor....so I see a LOT of bandings, I see a lot of the complications, and I know the surgeons personally. This all makes my decision at once infinately more diffcult and also easier, all at the same time. Like I said, it's not a choice I came to easily.

I would love for diet and exercise to be all I need, but I will not be able to maintain my weightloss without some form of medical intervention. Lap Band is actually the best choice for my particular needs.

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RE: Ridiculous fear... - 12/27/2008 5:34:19 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: porcelain26

I would love for diet and exercise to be all I need, but I will not be able to maintain my weightloss without some form of medical intervention. Lap Band is actually the best choice for my particular needs.


It sounds like you know what you are getting into and I wish you all the best.

My weight loss hasn't been as dramatic (I've just lost 25 pounds and am going for another 10-20) but I've had some negative side effects as well. I don't mind when people compliement me on the weight loss, since I've worked very hard and I feel I've earned that. But I find myself strangely resentful of backing out of the clothes that I like! That's helped by getting new clothes that I love too but with more weight to lose I feel like it's not worth the money even though I know it is. Also, I start to have feelings of self-doubt. I think I'll just screw up my weight loss and then won't be able to wear my new clothes.

Weight loss is tough. My best wishes and thoughts to you.

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RE: Ridiculous fear... - 12/28/2008 2:06:02 PM   
cagliostro


Posts: 128
Joined: 12/29/2007
Status: offline 		Something that helped me was actually kinda stupid.  I stopped counting calories, measuring portions, and weighing myself.  I decided to keep doing things healthy, but to ignore the measuring.  It makes the losing easier for some reason.  Maybe I don't feel the same pressure or something.  I don't know, just a thought.

A sort of crucial flaw in your logic was that losing weight would boost your self esteem.  People give you compliments but you throw them away just like you did before, because your self esteem is the same.  Check out Nathaniel Brandon's book, something about Pillars of Self Esteem.  He shows what self esteem is, where it comes from, how to improve it etc.  I was surprised, myself.  I thought that losing the weight would help too.  But it didn't.  Your self esteem is still hurt from whatever has happened in your life, so compliments feel phony or something.  Realistically people are trying to congratulate you, but it doesn't feel that way, at least, didn't to me.  50 lbs is a lot.  A LOT.  That's like a good sized dog.  Lol.

It also sounds like you might have a basic fear of change.  So like, bitching about your clothes not fitting is just a way to find something negative in the change you've made to try to push you backward.  Even when we hate where we were, often it is comfortable and "safe."  When we change we sort of miss the comfort of who we were because there's an uncertainty in where we're going.  That's a really normal thing.  And you have to constantly remind yourself when you try to grow as a person, do new things, take chances, make changes, that you're probably going to be a little afraid.  You don't know what's going to happen.  The things that sucked were at least predictable.  You know it sucked.  You know it was going to continue to suck.  You can be prepared for the sucking.  And you don't have to worry about what might happen.  Does that make sense?

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RE: Ridiculous fear... - 12/28/2008 10:50:43 PM   
proudsub


Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline
quote:

Surgery is not a decision I reached quickly


Thank you for answering.  It sounds like you have researched this very thoroughly.  I hope it goes well for you porcelain. 

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"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan


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RE: Ridiculous fear... - 12/29/2008 5:50:26 AM   
porcelain26


Posts: 181
Joined: 11/16/2007
Status: offline 		No...I don't have a basic fear of change...I have a HUGE fear of change!!! You make some extremely good points in your post and have given me a lot to think about - Thank you!!

I also love the reference to 50lbs being like a good sized dog. I've been snickering about that all freakin' night. I'll also be looking up that book you mentioned.

Again, thank you for the perspective and advice. I appreciate it!

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RE: Ridiculous fear... - 12/29/2008 6:22:55 AM   
FangsNfeet


Posts: 3758
Joined: 12/3/2004
Status: offline 		My continious yo yo weight loss and gain has taught me to shop at TJ Max, ROSS, and Burlington Coat Factory. I also keep at least two to three outfits of my higher weight sizes and my lower weight sizes as back up.

So you lost 50lbs with exercise and diet? If you're doing that good, why use the lap ban? Keep up the will power. It looks like your mental determination is all you need to get where you want to be.

Rapid Change within less than a month has had me go "Holy Smokes!" However, it's important to keep your chin up, back straight, and keep telling your fear to "SHUT UP!"

I'm more scared to go out in public now than ever before but you'll never be able to see it on my face. If I can tell myself to loose the wieght and have a better shape, then I can make myself be more confident as well.  

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RE: Ridiculous fear... - 12/29/2008 3:29:25 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		I too loved fastin - i lost 50 pounds with no effort - I didn't even miss eating - i would look up and realise it was 4pm and i had forgotten to eat all day. It took no will power at all for me to not eat - which to me indicated that i have dysfunctioning brain chemistry.  I ,too, ate like a maniac when off it. I would have stayed on it for life if i could have.

*sigh*  would love to have some again. *sigh*.

damn my brain!!!!

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RE: Ridiculous fear... - 12/29/2008 3:47:50 PM   
porcelain26


Posts: 181
Joined: 11/16/2007
Status: offline 		*laughing* Kiwi...I couldn't agree with you more. This stuff freakin' rocks. I'm fairly sure I'm getting taken off of it when I go into the doctor in January, and I'm DREADING it....but we'll see how it goes. Round TWO! hehehe.

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RE: Ridiculous fear... - 12/29/2008 7:35:50 PM   
cagliostro


Posts: 128
Joined: 12/29/2007
Status: offline 		Just FYI I'm not trying to insult or anything with what I'm about to say.

It sounds like this "medicine" is really really bad for you.  I know you like the result, but from a health standpoint it's sooo bad.  The strain it's going to put on your body is very bad for you.  Even if you were to take vitamin and mineral supplements it's still going to cause your body to pull nutrients out of your bones, organs, etc. and that's bad.  Lol.  You could be doing serious damage to yourself.  And the reason you want to pig out when you come off of it is that you've been starving for a long time only you couldn't tell.  It's the reason people yo-yo.  They try to take off too much too fast and their body goes into starvation mode.  So when you start getting food again your body immediately stores it as fat, so that you'll survive the next starvation.  It's a survival mechanism at a biological level.  It's just my opinion but you probably shouldn't take it if there isn't a health risk from the weight.  If your weight is critical I can understand.   The effects of the drug just sound really dangerous to me.  And if you want permanent weight loss you have to feed yourself.  Your body is a machine, without fuel it's going to shut down. 

I'm pretty sure it's not glamour pounds you want to lose, but consider carefully the risks to your long term health taking a drug like that.

*steps off soapbox*

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RE: Ridiculous fear... - 12/30/2008 6:12:04 AM   
porcelain26


Posts: 181
Joined: 11/16/2007
Status: offline 		Cagliostro - I'm well aware of the side effects of the medication. As I said before, I've been under the care and supervision of a doctor and dietician for the past six months. And I'm not starving myself. I eat well balanced meals every day and keep close track of my caloric intake because of the fact that I have no appetite. Also, we're not all that concerned about the 'starvation' effect because I'm planning to have the Lap Band, which is a restrictive procedure. For someone like me, who has no shut off when it comes to being hungry, I have to have some form of medical intervention in order to curb my hunger, otherwise, I will literally eat until I'm sick and then eat more. My body doesn't recognize signals like 'hungry' and 'full' the way that another person's body would. I don't know that I"m hungry (when I'm off meds) until I'm so hungery I could eat a truck...and I don't know that I'm full until I'm sick - and then it doesn't matter anyway and I will continue to eat.

Once again, this isn't something I've taken lightly, and I'm well aware of the side effects and after effects of everything that I"m getting myself into. I understand the medical components of my decisions extremely well. Once again, and I can't emphasize this enough...I've been supervised by a doctor the entire time I've been on medication and have been working with a dietician to make sure I"m getting the nutrients and calories that my body needs. There are most certainly risks, but at this point, the benefits far outweigh the risks.

PS...please ignore any spelling or grammatical errors. I just got off work and don't have my glasses on *grins*

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