FourQ
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Some good tips:
1. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
2. Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the thing in the first place!
4. Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a friend's arse, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking any of them.
5. Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly.
6. Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue, and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.
7. Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzenegger by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.
8. Keep the seat next to you on the bus/train vacant by smiling, winking and patting the seat as people walk up the aisle.
9. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
10. Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt, a used syringe and a dog turd into the bath.
11. Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.
12. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
13. Girls - can't afford to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a sandpit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.
14. Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
15. X-Files fans - create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning; having had your memory mysteriously erased.
16. Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.
17. Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate.- Mr. T741 SPB.
18. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.
19. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
20. Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
21. Chelsea Football Club fans. Save money on expensive new supporters kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. Then there will be no doubt as to your sporting allegiance.
22. A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.
23. Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act.
24. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
25. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.
26. Sweetcorn fans. Save money on loo paper by simply pouring the stuff straight down the pan.
27. Pretend you're a giant panda by giving yourself two black eyes, eating only bamboo shoots and refusing to have sex with the missus.
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