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What's easier adding a couple or adding a submissive? - 1/12/2009 8:30:45 PM   
promscurious


Posts: 2
Joined: 1/11/2009
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Okay so everyone will say it depends ... if you have some advice from first hand experience I am listening. Background - I am not a 'pure' sub by definition so to put it 'politely' my master realizes I am exceptional judge of character and social interactions and my input on the matter will be considered. We also have some 24/7 practical limits (time being the big one), we are married have young kids. We parent as equals.

My common sense thinks that adding a couple with a male dom/sub female would be easier because she has a master she already trusts and they are a couple who can communicate with each other and we are a couple who can communicate, so we feel more confident in our interactions. My honest concern in adding another single sub would be that they get clingy and they will need extra attention and direction, we don't have the time to dedicate to this, I am also scared and feel that someone owned is more trustworthy than someone unowned?

Thanks
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RE: What's easier adding a couple or adding a submissive? - 1/12/2009 8:37:00 PM   
SirMIkeSD


Posts: 613
Joined: 3/16/2007
From: San Diego, Ca
Status: offline
As a male Dom I can tell you that there will be only one Dom Me in my household. Finding another Dom willing to share full time is going to be hard. Not impossible but hard I would think. I am in charge and there is no way anyone else will be.

Mike

(in reply to promscurious)
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RE: What's easier adding a couple or adding a submissive? - 1/12/2009 8:37:55 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline
If you don't have the time required to give a new relationship, then why get into one?
It sounds as though you aren't looking for someone else to love, but just a regular playmate. In that case another couple with offspring could be a perfect choice. They would understand your time constraints as they would have them also.

_____________________________

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(in reply to promscurious)
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RE: What's easier adding a couple or adding a submissive? - 1/12/2009 8:48:09 PM   
DavanKael


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Dependson the dynamics/closeness you want.  Anything is potentially successful.  Everything is potentially failable, including dyadic relationships. 
Is the trustworthiness factor a concern over them attempting to do something nefarious to your existing relationship or something else? 
Do you want play partners or broad-based partners?  What living set-up do you envision? 
There are lots of ways to do poly. 
I thought that DesFip raised some good points and Mike spoke well to the potential for friction with multiple folks in charge in a household or relationship. 
  Davan

_____________________________

May you live as long as you wish & love as long as you live
-Robert A Heinlein

It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
-Me

Waiting is

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(in reply to DesFIP)
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RE: What's easier adding a couple or adding a submissive? - 1/12/2009 10:13:34 PM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SirMIkeSD

As a male Dom I can tell you that there will be only one Dom Me in my household. Finding another Dom willing to share full time is going to be hard. Not impossible but hard I would think. I am in charge and there is no way anyone else will be.

Mike



This is something I have no issues with; provided I am remain the head of the home. I have experienced this for several years when I was part of the Gorean Lifestyle. Even now there are myself and two female dominants in my home. The important things are that your Master remains the Senior Dominant Male and strict rules are in place to alleviate any disputes. There is no easy way to work out what is best for, as you know, it will depend on the chemistry between everyone. If the mix is good, then you could be cooking with gas. If not try, try again until those bells start a ringing indicating a good matching.  


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(in reply to SirMIkeSD)
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RE: What's easier adding a couple or adding a submissive? - 1/13/2009 3:02:40 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32563
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It would be My opinion that it would be easier adding a sub, rather than a couple.  It's always easier to add one person to a household than two. 

If you don't mind My saying so, from the original post, I hear a dash of insecurity in your expression of your concerns from an "unattached" submissive.  There is a hint in the words that you might only be confident in the arrangement if the other sub has a primary male in her life and is not an issue to the dynamic that you have in place.


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RE: What's easier adding a couple or adding a submissive? - 1/13/2009 12:01:53 PM   
polybi108


Posts: 191
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never add any single person or member of a couple, who is not capable of being loving while their intimate others are being fucked in front of them, and they dont get any.
That's the mark of someone who is a loving person, not just in it for themselves.

The mechanics of having two couples makes it more likely no one will be ignored. That means the practitioners dont have to be saints, just fair.

(in reply to LadyPact)
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RE: What's easier adding a couple or adding a submissive? - 1/13/2009 12:28:59 PM   
colouredin


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Joined: 2/2/2007
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Hmm well looking for a relationship based on ease alone seems to be a fairly bad reason and to be honest neither. Both will have their own difficulties just like any relationship. Seems like you are in a rush and dont want to spend to much time finding or maintaining a relationship so I would stick with what you have got for now until you have more time.

Oh and the trust thing, I think maybe there are some issues you have pertaining to jealousy more than time. Single people are no more or less trustworthy than a couple what is it that you are worried they will do?


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(in reply to promscurious)
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RE: What's easier adding a couple or adding a submissive? - 1/13/2009 1:30:10 PM   
CallaFirestormBW


Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
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Our situation is significantly different than many of the folks who post here. While authority exchange and fetish activities are an important aspect of our lives for some of our household's members, the primary reason for welcoming people into our household is because we love having a poly household and sharing love among the membership. We have keepers, servants, and members who aren't into authority exchange or fetish at all, and they're all loved and cherished. Some of us live together all the time, and some of us live at a distance and share one anothers' nests from time to time, but we're still family. We have folks of many age ranges, races, colors, body types, and individual styles. We have scientists and maintenance workers, artists and writers, computer geeks and body mod freaks, doctors and dreamers... all wrapped up in the folks we call 'family'. From that perspective, I can say that it is a little more difficult to add two or more people at the same time than it is to add one person, but having done it both ways, in the end, it all seemed to work out the way it was destined to. Sometimes, it worked out by the person or persons becoming part of the family... and sometimes it worked out by everyone going hir own way. The biggest complication with adding multiple people at the same time is the upheaval and year-long 'settling in' that comes from changing the face of the relationship... which can get really hairy when you've got several people in transition at a time.

Some things to think about:

1. Why are you considering the person or people you're thinking about welcoming? Is there more to it than just sex or kink?

2. Do you share a common philosophy on the importance of family, and is everyone on board with the idea that family has to come first?

3. How do existing family members feel about the newcomer(s)? Is someone keeping an eye out to address areas of tension as they crop up?

4. Do you share common philosophies about how to deal with things like unequal perceptions of what 'clean' means? Do you have the space for the potential person who is a packrat? Will it bug the crud out of you when newbie Jo drinks out of the milk carton or puts the orange-juice container back in the fridge empty?

5. Can you laugh together? Cry together? Are you already hiding things about yourself or afraid to show your true self around the newcomer(s)? Can you handle the stress when one or more of the members are pissed off or having a bad day (week)?

Becoming a poly family has its own challenges. Some folks may think it's too -early- to think about some of these things, but it's been my experience, over the past 30 years in poly living, that these are some of the "inconsequential" things that get glossed over. NRE (New Relationship Energy) is a great thing... but it's easy to forget that a poly house is more than just the newcomer... it takes its flavor from everyone who lives there. It's important, even while immersing oneself in the glow of NRE, to take time to touch base and get a feel for how the family is riding out the potential incoming partner(s), whether it's one, two, or a half a dozen coming in at the same time (and that includes offspring!).

< Message edited by CallaFirestormBW -- 1/13/2009 1:32:43 PM >


_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

(in reply to colouredin)
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RE: What's easier adding a couple or adding a submissive? - 1/13/2009 4:38:08 PM   
eponavet


Posts: 406
Joined: 8/18/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CallaFirestormBW

Our situation is significantly different than many of the folks who post here. While authority exchange and fetish activities are an important aspect of our lives for some of our household's members, the primary reason for welcoming people into our household is because we love having a poly household and sharing love among the membership. We have keepers, servants, and members who aren't into authority exchange or fetish at all, and they're all loved and cherished. Some of us live together all the time, and some of us live at a distance and share one anothers' nests from time to time, but we're still family. We have folks of many age ranges, races, colors, body types, and individual styles. We have scientists and maintenance workers, artists and writers, computer geeks and body mod freaks, doctors and dreamers... all wrapped up in the folks we call 'family'. From that perspective, I can say that it is a little more difficult to add two or more people at the same time than it is to add one person, but having done it both ways, in the end, it all seemed to work out the way it was destined to. Sometimes, it worked out by the person or persons becoming part of the family... and sometimes it worked out by everyone going hir own way. The biggest complication with adding multiple people at the same time is the upheaval and year-long 'settling in' that comes from changing the face of the relationship... which can get really hairy when you've got several people in transition at a time.

Some things to think about:

1. Why are you considering the person or people you're thinking about welcoming? Is there more to it than just sex or kink?

2. Do you share a common philosophy on the importance of family, and is everyone on board with the idea that family has to come first?

3. How do existing family members feel about the newcomer(s)? Is someone keeping an eye out to address areas of tension as they crop up?

4. Do you share common philosophies about how to deal with things like unequal perceptions of what 'clean' means? Do you have the space for the potential person who is a packrat? Will it bug the crud out of you when newbie Jo drinks out of the milk carton or puts the orange-juice container back in the fridge empty?

5. Can you laugh together? Cry together? Are you already hiding things about yourself or afraid to show your true self around the newcomer(s)? Can you handle the stress when one or more of the members are pissed off or having a bad day (week)?

Becoming a poly family has its own challenges. Some folks may think it's too -early- to think about some of these things, but it's been my experience, over the past 30 years in poly living, that these are some of the "inconsequential" things that get glossed over. NRE (New Relationship Energy) is a great thing... but it's easy to forget that a poly house is more than just the newcomer... it takes its flavor from everyone who lives there. It's important, even while immersing oneself in the glow of NRE, to take time to touch base and get a feel for how the family is riding out the potential incoming partner(s), whether it's one, two, or a half a dozen coming in at the same time (and that includes offspring!).


Awesome post!  I have said it a dozen times already in less than that many posts, but....i am SO happy to have found the forums here!  Sometimes, without much outside support or validation, or commiseration...it is easy to become full of doubt, fear etc. about living an alternative lifestyle.  This site has reinvigorated me!



_____________________________

~ You are a child of the Universe, no less than the trees and the stars. You have a right to be here, and whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the Universe is unfolding as it should ~


(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)
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RE: What's easier adding a couple or adding a submissive? - 1/13/2009 6:07:30 PM   
DavanKael


Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline
I second eponavet's praise of CallaFirestormBW's post; it is most beautifully written. 
  Davan

_____________________________

May you live as long as you wish & love as long as you live
-Robert A Heinlein

It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
-Me

Waiting is

170NZ (Aka:Sex God Du Jour) pts

Jesus,I've ALWAYS been a deviant
-Leadership527,Jeff

(in reply to eponavet)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: What's easier adding a couple or adding a submissive? - 1/17/2009 11:18:48 AM   
EeIridius


Posts: 3
Joined: 12/10/2008
Status: offline
For a lot of Dom/mes it's true that they BELIEVE there can 'be only one.' The truth is that there can be multiple Doms in one household without any real problem. It comes down to maturity, experience, and a reason to coexist. I've shared with Doms before and it's never been a problem. I've had some Doms accuse that 'you can't be a real Dom if' XYZ exists, but that's just intolerant. Fact is, "real" Doms put up with other Dominants all their lives. They have to. Cops, Judges, Lawyers, Professors, and all sorts of other people have power [IE authority] over you throughout your life. For those only concerned about "Power" the argument falls flat as soon as you consider the wider world.

Since I doubt that I'm talking to Gates or Buffet, or any other multi-billionaires, I'm going to assume that nobody here has the sort of power to trump the legal system or nationality. Let's move on. The next issue of power is control. Control is about YOURSELF. Doms control THEMSELVES. The myth that they fully control others is just that, people ALLOW themselves to be controlled, unless you're a criminal. You're not a criminal right? Let's continue. Doms DO NOT allow others to control them. Doms control THEMSELVES. Thus, it is illogical to say that there can not be two Doms, for Doms merely control themselves, and not others, thus there could be a room full of Doms and nothing bad happens. This actually occurs at every convention I've ever been to, and I've never seen any unpleasantness.

Being as subs allow others to control them, they are not Doms, and they can in fact be controlled by more than one Dom. Only one skill is needed: simple cooperation. Any Dom who'se ever held a job knows how to cooperate with others. QED.

I reject arguments that Doms can not laugh, play, share, or in fact be anything less than a killer/biker/assh*le stereotype. I have met a lot of people and I know of only two such stereotypes, both of whom are quite miserable people. I do not aspire to misery.

The argument about "real" Doms is a sad statement, often made by someone still searching out their own niche. All Doms are real, even the inexperienced, for the essence of being Dom is simply control over the self. The rest is all skill levels. What people probably MEAN TO SAY instead of "real Dom" is "experienced Dom".

.02

Thanks, and I do bar mitvahs.

Ee

(in reply to DavanKael)
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RE: What's easier adding a couple or adding a submissive? - 1/20/2009 6:33:25 AM   
SadysticJester


Posts: 122
Joined: 6/24/2008
Status: offline
in your situation it seems to be cut and dried by what you wrote.you want the ability to play when the time allows,and you are afraid that a single female/male will become clingy.if you find a female and you state that this is how it will be..negotiations and contracts are available to you ,but we are all human and as such prone to emotions(no guarantee). bringing in a couple has the advantage that both parties have their own houses and or families therefore the risk is minimal. ultimately the decisions are yours to make and only you can tell whats feasible/confortable or not for your situation.

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The fool may seem a Fool to some,but take care to fully explore what the Fool has to say,They are not foolish words...
SadysticJester

(in reply to EeIridius)
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RE: What's easier adding a couple or adding a submissive? - 1/26/2009 4:51:21 PM   
corysub


Posts: 1492
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CallaFirestormBW

Our situation is significantly different than many of the folks who post here. While authority exchange and fetish activities are an important aspect of our lives for some of our household's members, the primary reason for welcoming people into our household is because we love having a poly household and sharing love among the membership. We have keepers, servants, and members who aren't into authority exchange or fetish at all, and they're all loved and cherished. Some of us live together all the time, and some of us live at a distance and share one anothers' nests from time to time, but we're still family. We have folks of many age ranges, races, colors, body types, and individual styles. We have scientists and maintenance workers, artists and writers, computer geeks and body mod freaks, doctors and dreamers... all wrapped up in the folks we call 'family'. From that perspective, I can say that it is a little more difficult to add two or more people at the same time than it is to add one person, but having done it both ways, in the end, it all seemed to work out the way it was destined to. Sometimes, it worked out by the person or persons becoming part of the family... and sometimes it worked out by everyone going hir own way. The biggest complication with adding multiple people at the same time is the upheaval and year-long 'settling in' that comes from changing the face of the relationship... which can get really hairy when you've got several people in transition at a time.

Some things to think about:

1. Why are you considering the person or people you're thinking about welcoming? Is there more to it than just sex or kink?

2. Do you share a common philosophy on the importance of family, and is everyone on board with the idea that family has to come first?

3. How do existing family members feel about the newcomer(s)? Is someone keeping an eye out to address areas of tension as they crop up?

4. Do you share common philosophies about how to deal with things like unequal perceptions of what 'clean' means? Do you have the space for the potential person who is a packrat? Will it bug the crud out of you when newbie Jo drinks out of the milk carton or puts the orange-juice container back in the fridge empty?

5. Can you laugh together? Cry together? Are you already hiding things about yourself or afraid to show your true self around the newcomer(s)? Can you handle the stress when one or more of the members are pissed off or having a bad day (week)?

Becoming a poly family has its own challenges. Some folks may think it's too -early- to think about some of these things, but it's been my experience, over the past 30 years in poly living, that these are some of the "inconsequential" things that get glossed over. NRE (New Relationship Energy) is a great thing... but it's easy to forget that a poly house is more than just the newcomer... it takes its flavor from everyone who lives there. It's important, even while immersing oneself in the glow of NRE, to take time to touch base and get a feel for how the family is riding out the potential incoming partner(s), whether it's one, two, or a half a dozen coming in at the same time (and that includes offspring!).


I have always been more than "curious" about the poly lifestyle.  Thank you so much for sharing your experiences and thoughts. 

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)
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RE: What's easier adding a couple or adding a submissive? - 1/27/2009 6:03:16 AM   
Petruchio


Posts: 1615
Joined: 2/6/2005
Status: offline
I've dommed a sub/sub couple, but I don't have experience in living arrangements, only sub-f. I think couples would be tricky over the long term.

(in reply to corysub)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: What's easier adding a couple or adding a submissive? - 1/27/2009 1:46:36 PM   
beargonewild


Posts: 22716
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline
Yet wouldn't the circumstances have a different outcome when say:

- the primary couple has no minimal jealousy issues to seeing their partner with another?
- when everyone shifts their focus more to maintaining a viable 3 way relationship based upon respect, mutual needs/wants and goals?

It just seems to me that when a couple open their relationship to including another person that the kink factor still remains yet it isn't the driving force of the relationship but having the capacity to openly and honestly work towards keeping a stable relationship going.


_____________________________

Do Not Rile da Chosen Bear

Promiscuous boy you already know
That I’m all yours what you waiting for?

Resident MANWHORE ~1000 Bear pts~

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(in reply to Petruchio)
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RE: What's easier adding a couple or adding a submissive? - 1/27/2009 7:33:15 PM   
CallaFirestormBW


Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: beargonewild

Yet wouldn't the circumstances have a different outcome when say:

- the primary couple has no minimal jealousy issues to seeing their partner with another?
- when everyone shifts their focus more to maintaining a viable 3 way relationship based upon respect, mutual needs/wants and goals?

It just seems to me that when a couple open their relationship to including another person that the kink factor still remains yet it isn't the driving force of the relationship but having the capacity to openly and honestly work towards keeping a stable relationship going.



I had to respond to this on 2 points. The first, though OT--- LITA FORD!!! What could be better than Lita and Ozzy???? I didn't think anyone even -remembered- that song any more!

The second point is on topic.... I have to agree with you that the whole scope of change takes on new aspects when the two criteria that you've mentioned are in place. However, in 3 decades of moving through poly relationships, I think that the 'adjustment period' is still valid. I think that as long as everyone reminds themselves to put the communion first, the idiosyncrasies that can't help but rise to the top, like the 'mother' that rises to the surface of fermented vegetables--it is very hard to decide whether they are beneficial or detrimental to the whole until the process is complete and the end result is evaluated. In most cases, the 'mother' is beneficial, and creates a depth and richness to the ferment. In a few cases, the mother is toxic... especially when one meddles with it as it's rising and introduces outside bacteria, and the disgusting mess that results... well... let's just say that a family going through that would have months of cleanup after the whole thing was dumped in the trash.


_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

(in reply to beargonewild)
Profile   Post #: 17
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