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Finding your sub/slave - 1/12/2009 11:27:12 PM

AlexCutwright

Posts: 35
Joined: 7/10/2008
From: Gulfport, Mississippi, United States
Status: offline

How do you (as a Mistress) go about picking out a submissive for your pleasure? What are the signs that give away a person in submissive in day to day activity? Are there places that are universally accepted/acknowledged as submissive's locations?

I ask because I am new to this and have been having a hellacious time locating a Mistress where I live. What things should I be aware of in trying to "put myself out there"?

Post #: 1

RE: Finding your sub/slave - 1/13/2009 12:04:10 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

I was going to respond to this, but I don't think I have the strength.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to AlexCutwright)

Post #: 2

RE: Finding your sub/slave - 1/13/2009 3:09:56 AM

MsFlutter

Posts: 1305
Joined: 11/12/2008
From: East Coast
Status: offline

If your basic interest is in finding a Domme to take care of the 'dirty dirty things' you mention in your profile, your immediate needs could be met by a session with a Pro-Domme.

_____________________________

'Dont torture yourself, Gomez darling. That's my job' Morticia Addams

"The right data, filtered through an idiot, can yield a bad answer." einstien5201

(in reply to AlexCutwright)

Post #: 3

RE: Finding your sub/slave - 1/13/2009 4:35:59 AM

Cloudz

Posts: 836
Joined: 9/13/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AlexCutwright

How do you (as a Mistress) go about picking out a submissive for your pleasure? What are the signs that give away a person in submissive in day to day activity? Are there places that are universally accepted/acknowledged as submissive's locations?

It sounds like you are asking if there are "submissive bars" along the same line as a "gay bar." No, there are live places where people of a like mind may be found, just as there are virtual sites.

I ask because I am new to this and have been having a hellacious time locating a Mistress where I live. What things should I be aware of in trying to "put myself out there"?

Educate yourself would be the simple and kind answer.

Good luck in your journey/

_____________________________

Enjoy the Journey,
~Cloudz

"Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain."

(in reply to AlexCutwright)

Post #: 4

RE: Finding your sub/slave - 1/13/2009 5:09:13 AM

MistressAinCT

Posts: 205
Joined: 2/21/2004
Status: offline

I agree with MsFlutter..if you think D/s is about "dirty, dirty things" you need to wake up, and that's the reason you can't find anyone. Read the message boards and other profiles to see the majority of people (notice I didn't say ALL) here want RELAIONSHIPS, not fly-by-night.

ProDomination will do this for you-take care of your "needs". But alas, you don't want to spend the money, do you? you want some of the free stuff that's out there-take but not give? you might find that here but it won't be fulfilling and you'll just be bitching back here again, "what did I do WRONG?"

I think what you need is a kinky girlfriend. I suspect your "need" is more on the physical "mommy spank me" or "tie me and fuck me" vein than the "I want to serve and please My Mistress".

Do some soul searching, grow up, then come see Us again.

_____________________________

When you have them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow www.mobiusmetals.webs.com

So many toys-so little flesh...

(in reply to Cloudz)

Post #: 5

RE: Finding your sub/slave - 1/13/2009 5:14:44 AM

Destiny2nite

Posts: 7
Joined: 3/23/2008
Status: offline

MistressAinCT.... You nailed it! Thank you for your excellent response!

(in reply to MistressAinCT)

Post #: 6

RE: Finding your sub/slave - 1/13/2009 5:27:49 AM

GoddessTeaze

Posts: 1125
Joined: 10/14/2006
From: The Netherlands
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AlexCutwright
How do you (as a Mistress) go about picking out a submissive for your pleasure? What are the signs that give away a person in submissive in day to day activity? Are there places that are universally accepted/acknowledged as submissive's locations?

I ask because I am new to this and have been having a hellacious time locating a Mistress where I live. What things should I be aware of in trying to "put myself out there"?

It's not about picking out a toy in a toystore alex,
it's about 2 souls who meet, and a deep commitment,
for Me at least.

And that's hard to find.

So what do you mean with the dirty stuff in your profile?

I wish you enough.

GoddezzT`

_____________________________

~* The only disability in life is a bad attitude. ~Scott Hamilton*~

~*Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart. ~Kahlil Gibran*~

(in reply to AlexCutwright)

Post #: 7

RE: Finding your sub/slave - 1/13/2009 6:31:33 AM

Celene

Posts: 158
Joined: 12/28/2007
Status: offline

I look for signs of intelligence. In the case of this post, the spelling is good* but the content has no appeal.
My suggestion to you is one that many don't find an option, find a community and attend the events. Maybe you'll click with someone.
We are ALL a lot more than our kink and I embrace the kinky part of me and don't find it (as others have remarked that they saw in your profile) at all "dirty-dirty".

Once again, I look for intelligence and agree with those who have already said educate yourself, visit a pro, look at the whole relationship. If we women compartmentalized the way you men do, you guys would be in more trouble than you are now.

edited once I read the profile myself
It's dominant woman or a woman to dominate you. It is NOT dominate woman! Grrr. Don't know why this is so hard for people. (Another pet peeve in this department is the 'i am looking for one women'.)
And the grammar wasn't the only thing lacking. At least it wasn't txt spk. Back to the books, kiddo.

< Message edited by Celene -- 1/13/2009 7:19:03 AM >

_____________________________

That was then, this is now.

(in reply to GoddessTeaze)

Post #: 8

RE: Finding your sub/slave - 1/13/2009 6:48:17 AM

YoursMistress

Posts: 894
Joined: 12/17/2008
Status: offline

There are numerous posts on this topic with suggestions on how to learn, where to go, how to improve your profile, how to approach Dommes here and in person. Please take some time to read through the forums and gain the benefits of those of us who have gone before you. Spend some time in the chatrooms to speak realtime with some of the dear Mistresses who volunteer their time there. I have had several gracious ladies give me pointed advice on things I that were actually misleading in the way I had presented them in my profile. (Thank you so much!)

May I suggest that you spend a little time thinking and writing about your feelings, desires, things that you admire, etc.. in your profile to give prospective partners (play or more) some more insight into what moves you and what you are looking for. I am such a sucker for well well-written profile and journal entries, and I suspect that there are many Dommes out there who might connect with you if you can sincerely express yourself and show some vulnerability by giving them a peek into who you are.

yours

_____________________________

May your service of love a beautiful thing; want nothing else, fear nothing else and let love be free to become what love truly is. -- Hadewijch of Antwerp

As a rule, I don't like to make general statements.

(in reply to AlexCutwright)

Post #: 9

RE: Finding your sub/slave - 1/13/2009 7:06:25 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

Here's my 18+ years worth of experience giving you and anyone else in your position advice.

Stop looking for a mistress.

Start getting information about BDSM, getting a variety of experiences, and start figuring out yourself to a much greater degree.

How can you do this? Two ways.

First start reading and I don't mean porn or only on the Internet. Can't afford books by folks who have experience and are capable of writing well about the subjects involved in BDSM? Then I'd say you aren't yet ready to make the commitment required to get serious enough about BDSM let alone to have a mistress.

Second find munches, workshops, and groups that are within a few hours drive of you and start going. Is money an issue again? Go to something once a month but start going. Again if you can't make the commitment to learn then how can you make a commitment to a partner?

I'd say explore BDSM for a few years getting as much variety and information as you can. Then, after those few years of serious commitment to learning about yourself and what is out there in the Scene, then you look for a partner.

And then it will likely take you a few more years and a few partners to figure out what honestly works for you.

Yes, you might get lucky but you prepare for a long journey any luck you have will be welcomed and you'll be disappointed less if you aren't so lucky to find a partner quickly.

< Message edited by thetammyjo -- 1/13/2009 7:09:01 AM >

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to AlexCutwright)

Post #: 10

RE: Finding your sub/slave - 1/13/2009 7:08:53 AM

YoursMistress

Posts: 894
Joined: 12/17/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Celene
Once again, I look for intelligence and agree with those who have already said educate yourself, visit a pro, look at the whole relationship. If we women compartmentalized the way you men do, you guys would be in more trouble than you are now.

Miss Celene,

I was writing while you posted and didn't think to mention the professionals as I've never tried that route myself. By the way, I read your journal entry the other day "1/9/2009 8:24:45 PM: Wow" and am hoping that you will elaborate for your curious public out here :)

yours

_____________________________

May your service of love a beautiful thing; want nothing else, fear nothing else and let love be free to become what love truly is. -- Hadewijch of Antwerp

As a rule, I don't like to make general statements.

(in reply to Celene)

Post #: 11

RE: Finding your sub/slave - 1/13/2009 8:01:27 AM

Madame4a

Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline

First.. there are likely a bazillion (yes, really!) threads on finding whatever partner you are searching for, particularly in the Ask a Mistress forum

secondly, I know everyone is likely to do some grocery shopping now and then, but I don't pick people up in the grocery store.. my tendency is to stick with play parties, meetings, munches, events, workshops and generally leather-type situations because most people are there for the same reason... leather type stuff...

while this place can add to your search, if you're serious, I wouldn't use it as your only means of finding what you want or need

good luck

_____________________________

You're crazy bitch
But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

(in reply to AlexCutwright)

Post #: 12

RE: Finding your sub/slave - 1/13/2009 8:11:51 AM

Madame4a

Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline

and I just have to add... to everyone who got an his butt about the 'dirty dirty' thing.. you know... you don't get to dictate how someone approaches this unless they are with you... so for some.. it is about a dirty dirty thing... I have a friend to whom that applies... its not my approach but hey, he's fine with it.. and so am I...

let it be and save me from the one true way

_____________________________

You're crazy bitch
But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

(in reply to Madame4a)

Post #: 13

RE: Finding your sub/slave - 1/13/2009 8:28:22 AM

manxcat

Posts: 673
Joined: 10/3/2008
Status: offline

quote: "First start reading and I don't mean porn or only on the Internet. Can't afford books by folks who have experience and are capable of writing well about the subjects involved in BDSM? Then I'd say you aren't yet ready to make the commitment required to get serious enough about BDSM let alone to have a mistress."

How in the hell does not having money for books (of any kind) make anyone unready for anything? Some people do not make enough to buy books, after paying living expenses. Geez if i needed books for half the things i have done in my life, i would still be sitting reading them. And i have over 1000 books in my library. There are other ways to learn, as others have suggested.

manxcat

____________________
I would rather be vilified for doing the right thing than be praised for doing the wrong thing.

< Message edited by manxcat -- 1/13/2009 8:29:06 AM >

(in reply to Madame4a)

Post #: 14

RE: Finding your sub/slave - 1/13/2009 10:38:56 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: manxcat

quote: "First start reading and I don't mean porn or only on the Internet. Can't afford books by folks who have experience and are capable of writing well about the subjects involved in BDSM? Then I'd say you aren't yet ready to make the commitment required to get serious enough about BDSM let alone to have a mistress."

How in the hell does not having money for books (of any kind) make anyone unready for anything? Some people do not make enough to buy books, after paying living expenses. Geez if i needed books for half the things i have done in my life, i would still be sitting reading them. And i have over 1000 books in my library. There are other ways to learn, as others have suggested.

manxcat

____________________
I would rather be vilified for doing the right thing than be praised for doing the wrong thing.

Did you read the second part of my response?

I said he needs to get involved. Yes, he can learn from getting involved but if that isn't possible reading is a backup -- not as good as apprenticing in my experience but a good start. Reading gives you time to think as well as access to knowledge you may not have easy access to in your local community. No one around you know anything about electrical play? Rather than just try things out you should do some reading at least.

Reading is also a 100% safe way to try out new ideas. If you agree to scene with someone with some activity you've never heard of, how can you possibly be giving your honest consent? Shouldn't you do research first? Yes, you can ask questions of that person and others and you can also read a variety of sources.

I say books over online because at least if you go with a decent publisher the person who wrote the book has to have some knowledge and skills. Any one can put up anything online.

Not having money is a huge impact on finding a partner not just kinky but mundane. That's a sad fact of life. Getting into your local community will also require money. Getting your financial house in order is a great step to making yourself ready for a relationship of any type.

< Message edited by thetammyjo -- 1/13/2009 10:40:51 AM >

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to manxcat)

Post #: 15

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