BlackPhx
Posts: 3432
Joined: 11/8/2006
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Bookworm you have (from what I can see) overwhelmed yourself and are doing a bit of self sabotage.
Step back and take a deep breath first.
1. Moving from a rural atmosphere to an urban one can be a shock to the system to begin with. It can bring up fears you don't even know you have and moving out of a familiar comfort zone can be unsettling to say the least. Take a little time to learn more about your new neighborhood and how to get around it. Make a few friends if you can, contact others on CM in the same area, attend a munch, find a support group.
2. You have a lot of adjustments to make with the new move to your Sir. Learning to live with another person on a day to day basis is not easy and it takes time. It is not the same as a short visit. This goes for both of you. You still have to make your space in his home, and 2 months is not nearly enough time to make it your home as well. There are times master and I still clash over "me" space and tastes in decor. He has the final say, but he DOES listen to my input and recognize I have to feel comfortable as well.
3. Jobs will come and go. Some depression when it happens is not unusual. Take a breath, file unemployment and dive back into the search. The right job is out there looking for you as well.
4. I am not surprised you didn't "click". You are already feeling overwhelmed and stressed..getting to know someone who is also a "rival" for his attention and affections can be a strain under the best of circumstances. You have time to get to know her after you are feeling more secure.
5. I won't presume that the meds you fucked up were antidepressants or anything like that. All I will say is get them straightened out. Whether for mood or physical problems if you are not taking them properly or at all, you affect your system and throw it off making everything even harder to deal with. See your Public health clinic if you don't have insurance, call your old Doctors and get generic prescriptions if they are available and fill them at your local Walmart, Walgrees or Target store. They have many generics for as little as $4 for a months supply and $10 for a 90 day supply. CHECK all three as each has a different list of what they fill that way and what one doesn't another may.
6. You expected a secondary relationship to work under this much sress and change? See answer number 4 as to why it didn't. Please settle for just making frends and building a new support system. Moving away from family, long time friends and familiar places can leave us feeling very isolated. When I moved to Master I made a special effort to get to know the neighbors around us and to making friends. Now, something happens in the neighborhood we are there for each other and I feel a lot more secure knowing they are there when he or we are not.
7. Under stress or depression..they usually do. Deal with and get the stress under control adn then work on bringing your smoking back to normal levels or even less. Stop and recognize when you are reaching for that cigarette, what you are feeling or doing and address the problem causing it.
Journal everything and go back and read it later so you can address what is causing the problem and talk about it with your Sir. I wish you luck. You are in an exciting and wonderfully scarey stage in your life and have much to look forward to. Don't forget to take time to prick the thorns and smell the roses.
poenkitten wishing you luck
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