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Figuring out logistics: my switch sub has taken a sub - 1/7/2006 12:11:54 AM   
ruthfw


Posts: 24
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		I've never dated a switch before, and am a little confused.

My boy subs to me (we do not switch with each other), but he has been exploring his dominant side (in fact, before we hooked up) with another lady.

I'm poly, so this is not a problem.

Where I'm a little confused is on the logistics of my sub having a sub. He has reiterated that his commitment to me is primary, but I don't want to be a jerk to his sub by excessively monopolizing his time.

I realize that we can make up the rules as we go along, but would appreciate any practical pointers from anyone who's been there before.

Thanks!
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Figuring out logistics: my switch sub has taken a sub - 1/7/2006 2:48:58 AM   
1wildwolf


Posts: 120
Joined: 6/30/2004
From: New Zealand
Status: offline 		my Domme was a sub when i met Her and still has needs as a submissive....and thus when Wwe decided to have a relationship together it was made clear that She would still need those events

All i can say is that the best thing is to know ones boundaries are before getting into a situation, because an unknown situation is where people can get hurt....

ie Yyou 2 should both know times when he is going to be with his sub and You must know that it does take time for a switch to be able to change from a Dom to sub mode (or vice versa).

It also might depend on if his sub has time with other people, or is only playing with Your sub....if his commitment is primarily to You then he has given You the right to have his time when You want it

well just some ideas there
dont know if they will help

wildwolf

(in reply to ruthfw)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Figuring out logistics: my switch sub has taken a sub - 1/7/2006 8:53:17 AM   
fergus


Posts: 1110
Joined: 6/22/2005
Status: offline 		Like in ANY relationship ... BDSM or otherwise.

communitcation. communication. communication.

Since you are poly, perhaps it might be worth everyone's while for the three of you to communicate together (if that's possible).

The biggest thing to remember is not to get your nose out of joint if there IS an innocent miscommunication.

fergus

(in reply to 1wildwolf)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Figuring out logistics: my switch sub has taken a sub - 1/7/2006 11:02:37 PM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline 		I just posted on another thread about this very thing being my worst nightmare come true for the very reasons you post here. I think communication & ground rules are the biggest part of making this work on any level.
TO ME the biggest issue is making sure that the hingepin in the middle is keeping his focus where it belongs.
I personally am a Switch that is Domme in my current relationship. My boy knows his place as a sub but from time to time shows deffinate long term switch leanings. I am firm with him that these feelings are normal but his place within our relationship is on his knees and if he feels otherwise that it may mean us parting ways.
I think that a long talk with your boy about how he sees this triad working is vital. To me it seems like a disaster waiting to happen but with many things poly I've been wrong before. I guess it's that arrogance of not wanting to share my toys.

(in reply to ruthfw)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Figuring out logistics: my switch sub has taken a sub - 1/8/2006 5:31:00 AM   
TeeGO


Posts: 451
Joined: 12/11/2005
Status: offline 		I am in this type of relationship at the very bottom. I understand the dynamic that her Dom is the ultimate authority. He is at the top of the arraignment.

For you I believe in order for your relationship to work his sub should understand that you are the one in control of his life and she has to respect your authority. I have no idea how deep into a D/s you are but I'm assuming that's where your at. Mere play would render this argument moot.

Power structure and order of command has to be respected IMO.

(in reply to theRose4U)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Figuring out logistics: my switch sub has taken a sub - 1/8/2006 1:46:42 PM   
ruthfw


Posts: 24
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		Thanks for the suggestions.

I had been hoping to avoid talking with his sub simply because I don't know the lady in question and that's always awkward...but as has been pointed out, communication is critical.

And "ooh, this might be awkward" is really no excuse.

We have started talking about days or times when I do not require his services and he can dedicate his time to playing with his own toy.

One of the things I am really a bit confused about is that he is not allowed to climax without my permission. I am not willing to give this up, and am trying to figure out some logical manner to dole those out.

Perhaps letting him come with his own sub occasionally as a treat. Hmm. It does not seem particularly fair to her, but in choosing to be collared by someone else's plaything, there are certain restrictions she'll have to accept.

(in reply to TeeGO)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Figuring out logistics: my switch sub has taken a sub - 1/8/2006 5:01:41 PM   
TeeGO


Posts: 451
Joined: 12/11/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ruthfw
...It does not seem particularly fair to her, but in choosing to be collared by someone else's plaything, there are certain restrictions she'll have to accept.


Absolutely, you are are the one in charge. They both accept that, or there is no dynamic. In essence, you are her Dom by proxy. I can't be any other way. You tell him to do X, Y, and Z with her and he must obey you, correct?

< Message edited by TeeGO -- 1/8/2006 5:03:30 PM >

(in reply to ruthfw)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Figuring out logistics: my switch sub has taken a sub - 1/8/2006 8:10:26 PM   
Cloudz


Posts: 836
Joined: 9/13/2005
Status: offline 		Interesting predicament. I agree with a previous post that suggests allowing him specific times to be "available" for his sub. Regarding the orgasm control...that is yours and something he must have understood. Nice touch allowing him to orgasm with his sub for a privilege. Outside of that, he knows your rules and should play by them. As in any poly relationship there are time issues to be worked out...but rules are rules and I would not change them because he has a newly acquired sub.

Just my thoughts,

_____________________________

Enjoy the Journey,
~Cloudz

"Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain."


(in reply to ruthfw)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Figuring out logistics: my switch sub has taken a sub - 1/8/2006 8:17:24 PM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline 		Hormones being what they are it might be time to look into chastity. I think that a discussion of how he views this working is more important than spending time worrying about when and how he can play with his toy. In my world my boy is required to be available to me at all times.
Poly as I've heard it work other partners have their regular days. Jane gets tuesday at her house, Bonnie gets mondays, wednesdays and sunday mornings at home. Blah blah blah you get the point.

quote:

It does not seem particularly fair to her, but in choosing to be collared by someone else's plaything, there are certain restrictions she'll have to accept.


I also think that it sounds like he already has a sub and this isn't one of those how would this work scenarios anymore. I personally think for the sake of honesty that he should have introduced you BEFORE deciding to take her on. If she is already in his collar then boats left the pier without planning or a map and your control of the situation has long since flown out the window. Now you just have to figure out if this is something that you're comfortable continuing because as it sounds he's taken off on his own without waiting for rules from you but maybe I'm just reading something wrong.

(in reply to ruthfw)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Figuring out logistics: my switch sub has taken a sub - 1/9/2006 2:45:49 AM   
1wildwolf


Posts: 120
Joined: 6/30/2004
From: New Zealand
Status: offline 		agree with the comments on cumming, if its something then is important to You then yes You should keep whatever rules on it You want

and i guess it comes back to the point that D/s play is not all about cumming... hopefully there is enough enjoyment in play without the need for an orgasm...

(in reply to ruthfw)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Figuring out logistics: my switch sub has taken a sub - 1/9/2006 10:01:58 PM   
ruthfw


Posts: 24
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		Oh, I said yes he could take her on.

As Zaphod Beeblebrox once said, "OK, so ten out of ten for style, but minus several million for good thinking, yeah?"

I really need to figure out where my head is at. I spent a really hideous hour last night last night discussing terms with her--she had a huge problem with my control of his sexual release, feeling that her servitude is not complete unless she can satisfy any desires my pet has.

I do not think she understands the relation between him and me; she was very upset about how I was "interfering" with their time together.

He serves me. He does not just serve me on weekends when we see each other and I am not willing at this point to throw in the towel and become a purely weekend player.

I have muffed this, badly.

I resolved the chastity issue by granting the two of them one free night and having him roll 2d4 every Monday for a number of orgasms he can spend. (I am a softie.) Huzzah for geekdom.

(in reply to theRose4U)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Figuring out logistics: my switch sub has taken a sub - 1/9/2006 10:25:57 PM   
LaMalinche


Posts: 2077
Joined: 10/20/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ruthfw

I resolved the chastity issue by granting the two of them one free night and having him roll 2d4 every Monday for a number of orgasms he can spend. (I am a softie.) Huzzah for geekdom.


I know what rolling 2d4 means. That scares me.

Good luck anyway, however I am not too sure of her maturity level.

LaMalinche

------------------------------------------

In general they are intoxicated by the fame of mass culture, a fame which the latter knows how to manipulate; they could just as well get together in clubs for worshipping film stars or for collecting autographs. What is important to them is the sense of belonging as such, identification, without paying particular attention to its content. As girls, they have trained themselves to faint upon hearing the voice of a 'crooner'. Their applause, cued in by a light-signal, is transmitted directly on the popular radio programmes they are permitted to attend. They call themselves 'jitter-bugs', bugs which carry out reflex movements, performers of their own ecstasy. Merely to be carried away by anything at all, to have something of their own, compensates for their impoverished and barren existance. The gesture of adolescence, which raves for this or that on one day with the ever-present possibility of damning it as idiocy on the next, is now socialized.

(in reply to ruthfw)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Figuring out logistics: my switch sub has taken a sub - 1/10/2006 6:26:31 AM   
Cloudz


Posts: 836
Joined: 9/13/2005
Status: offline 		This may be too simplistic - but in response to her wanting to satisfy any desire he has...his desire to submit to you and YOUR desires are first and foremost. It seems to me that taking on a sub when you control his orgasams is a logistical problem he has to work out - if you say no orgasam...then the limit has been set.

_____________________________

Enjoy the Journey,
~Cloudz

"Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain."


(in reply to ruthfw)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Figuring out logistics: my switch sub has taken a sub - 1/10/2006 10:59:09 AM   
fergus


Posts: 1110
Joined: 6/22/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LaMalinche


quote:

ORIGINAL: ruthfw

I resolved the chastity issue by granting the two of them one free night and having him roll 2d4 every Monday for a number of orgasms he can spend. (I am a softie.) Huzzah for geekdom.


I know what rolling 2d4 means. That scares me.

Good luck anyway, however I am not too sure of her maturity level.

LaMalinche

------------------------------------------

In general they are intoxicated by the fame of mass culture, a fame which the latter knows how to manipulate; they could just as well get together in clubs for worshipping film stars or for collecting autographs. What is important to them is the sense of belonging as such, identification, without paying particular attention to its content. As girls, they have trained themselves to faint upon hearing the voice of a 'crooner'. Their applause, cued in by a light-signal, is transmitted directly on the popular radio programmes they are permitted to attend. They call themselves 'jitter-bugs', bugs which carry out reflex movements, performers of their own ecstasy. Merely to be carried away by anything at all, to have something of their own, compensates for their impoverished and barren existance. The gesture of adolescence, which raves for this or that on one day with the ever-present possibility of damning it as idiocy on the next, is now socialized.


Geek test, you fail ;)

lol, I might have been more cruel. ONE d2!

(for you non-geeks, rolling a d2 is flipping a coin)

fergus

(in reply to LaMalinche)
Profile   Post #: 14
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