Chastised Sub/Switch Wants to Top Others

Chastised Sub/Switch Wants to Top Others (Full Version)

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redheadedvixen -> Chastised Sub/Switch Wants to Top Others (1/19/2009 8:50:32 AM)
My sub in chastity wants to top others. I say his chastity means very little if he is engaging in the exchange of sexual energy with others, regardless of penetration. He says he is a switch, topping is a part of his personality, he bottoms only for me, and that the play is not sexual for him. Thoughts? Thanks.

thishereboi -> RE: Chastised Sub/Switch Wants to Top Others (1/19/2009 8:54:36 AM)
If he is collared to you, then that would be your decision. I have played with people and it wasn't sexual at all, so I don't see what chastity has to do with it. According to your profile, you are looking for a long time live in male submissive. Where does your current sub fit into this? Maybe he is looking for someone else to play with because he thinks your going to be busy with the new sub?

redheadedvixen -> RE: Chastised Sub/Switch Wants to Top Others (1/19/2009 8:58:04 AM)
Thanks. The sub I am speaking of is the person I am considering for the long term relationship. He is one in the same. He has already vowed chastity and we are negotiating the rest.

fearghus -> RE: Chastised Sub/Switch Wants to Top Others (1/19/2009 7:30:57 PM)
I say that regardless of the roles you play it is still a relationship. You and he will want to respect each other's desires and roles. So, maybe ask yourself a few questions like ... 1) Is it okay for him to pursue these activities so long as he stays exclusively in the sub role with me? 2) Will he be fulfilled in the relationship if I deny him these pursuits? 3) Will we continue to have mutual respect for one another in light of our decisions? etc, etc.

dreamerdreaming -> RE: Chastised Sub/Switch Wants to Top Others (1/19/2009 11:30:36 PM)
Chastity has little to do with this. He is being very upfront about his desire to top others. You don't want him to. Your needs/desires don't match. How much more time will you spend considering someone for an LTR, with whom you have such a poor fit to begin with?

redheadedvixen -> RE: Chastised Sub/Switch Wants to Top Others (1/20/2009 7:27:05 AM)
Thank you both for your thoughts. I respect his desire to top and don't want him to be unhappy. We are both negotiating. My question has more to do with whether the switches here believe that topping can truly occur without sexual undertones. Topping, at least for me, as inextricably intertwined with eroticism and emotional attachment.

dreamerdreaming -> RE: Chastised Sub/Switch Wants to Top Others (1/20/2009 7:48:28 AM)
What difference does it make, to you? If he's locked and can't escape his device, he will be unable to fuck during that time. If that is not good enough for you, then what is? Where will you draw the line with someone like him, when he is clearly asserting his need or desire to top right from the start? Seems like a power struggle, to me. I'd leave it. But if you have the energy and inclination for it, knock yourself out. YKINMK. Good luck with that. I hope I don't come off as too snarky. I just have a hard time seeing so many people here on CM waste time with people who don't suit their needs. You only live once, and you won't get this time back.

DavanKael -> RE: Chastised Sub/Switch Wants to Top Others (1/20/2009 8:07:41 AM)
I identify as a switch and couldn't top without sexual overtones. That is a truism for me and not an inherent generalization. Davan

redheadedvixen -> RE: Chastised Sub/Switch Wants to Top Others (1/20/2009 12:25:13 PM)
He is not a waste of time. I don't throw people away simply because we do not agree on everything.

fearghus -> RE: Chastised Sub/Switch Wants to Top Others (1/20/2009 3:19:44 PM)
I'm of divided mind. Whether or not he can top someone with sexual overtones or intimacy is less at issue that your perception of whether he can or not. If you can not believe that he can there may always be a nugget of mistrust. frankly, I don't think I could top without there being sexual overtones, but that's just me - not anyone else.

allthatjaz -> RE: Chastised Sub/Switch Wants to Top Others (1/20/2009 3:23:24 PM)
Why don't you get him to top someone in front of you?

redheadedvixen -> RE: Chastised Sub/Switch Wants to Top Others (1/20/2009 4:01:23 PM)
Excellent idea about observing. I also agree that my perception is as important as the reality. Great insight - thanks.

Sexycelticlady -> RE: Chastised Sub/Switch Wants to Top Others (1/20/2009 7:30:07 PM)
I am also a Switch and can top and bottom without any sexual overtones as I do not link physical sensations with sex and can enjoy from both perspectives. In fact, i get very irritated if sexual overtones are involved in the play scene, it is something I warn my casual partners about. So I do know you can top without it being about sex. I also a couple where the sub is a switch and Tops others in public clubs and dungeons, when his Domme is present even if she is not specifically watching. I know this is something that they had to discuss in detail and agree upon. To me, submitting is sexual, bottoming is not, topping is not and I am not ready as far as my life journey is concerned to be anyone's Domme, but knowing myself as well as I do I think that were the D/s role come into play then yes, it would be sexual. There is a gulf between D/s relationships and Topping/bottoming casually. I think you need to discuss your concerns with your sub and to also work out your own feelings on this.

redheadedvixen -> RE: Chastised Sub/Switch Wants to Top Others (1/20/2009 9:23:27 PM)
Thanks so much for your perspective. It's good to hear from somone else who sees play as non-sexual. [:)] He and I are considering his topping only in my presence as a solution. It seems like a great compromise, and of course it just adds another luscious layer to the d/s dynamic between us.

Huntertn -> RE: Chastised Sub/Switch Wants to Top Others (1/21/2009 9:55:49 AM)
I agree..add it and enjoy..its not all about sex or sexual overtones..as so many many subs and Doms tell us over and over again..LOL

aravain -> RE: Chastised Sub/Switch Wants to Top Others (1/22/2009 8:24:02 PM)
I can top AND bottom without sexual overtones or energy. There's a 'friendliness' aspect, for lack of a better word. It's closeness, but with someone who's not a romantic or sexual partner without the BDSM there's no sexual energy. Edit: I'm actually thinking of taking a friend up on an offer for it, now, to be honest. We're friends and there's no (well, ok, there's a little, but it's all created by me) sexual tension between us... mostly because our sexual orientations don't even match up. Of course, in this instance it would be a cathartic release, more than anything. 'Scratching each others' backs' as it were. :)

redheadedvixen -> RE: Chastised Sub/Switch Wants to Top Others (1/22/2009 8:36:48 PM)
Hmmm, fascinating. Methinks you doth protest too much, as there is sexual energy there, albeit one-sided.

SassySarijane -> RE: Chastised Sub/Switch Wants to Top Others (1/22/2009 10:15:05 PM)
I bottom nonsexually and thoroughly enjoy it and have topped the same way a few times. There are no sexual undertones. I just have fun or fulfill a need for intense pain play. S/m is separate from sex for me, unless it's with the right person. The ones who top me are friends and most are in relationships and very happy. They just enjoy s/m for it's own sake as do I. It really doesn't have to be sexual at all. It depends on the people involved. What my advice to you is, is a sit down discussion with him on exactly what types of play he wants to top on and if he wants/needs any type of sexual contact in it or just the play itself. Negotiate what limits you'd want on the play for him if you chose to allow it after talking with him about it. Just my thoughts.

aravain -> RE: Chastised Sub/Switch Wants to Top Others (1/23/2009 11:33:31 AM)
You'd think wrong. There's a biiiiig difference between (non-BDSM or romantic) sexual tension, BDSM that harness sexual energy, and BDSM without sexual energy. The only reason I do participate in BDSM without sexual energy or connect is for catharsis... something I don't really find when sex (either real or imagined) is involved. With sexual energy involved I get a closeness to myself and the other person... without I get to detach from myself while trusting the other person to take care of the me I 'leave behind'. It's wildly different, for me, and each has their perks and benfits. I wouldn't do the first with someone who's not a romatic partner, though... 'cause it would just be begging for drama. When the point is to escape drama, that's hardly a good thing :P

redheadedvixen -> RE: Chastised Sub/Switch Wants to Top Others (1/24/2009 1:24:19 PM)
Thank you everyone, for your thoughts and comments. As it turns out this sub is completely untrustworthy and no longer my concern. But, if I find myself in a situation with a switch again, I will remember your words and advice.

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