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Attention Seeking Behavior - 1/27/2009 9:37:02 AM

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When a submissive you know - either your intimate partner or someone you are casually dating/seeing (or someone in collarme, whether it be in email or on forums) exhibits "attention seeking behavior," do you playfully go along, do you simply ignore it as to not encourage it, or do you do something else? I am not talking about huge outbursts or odd behavior, but things that can be viewed as passive aggressive, "look at me," types of things - things said or done to get a reaction, or "bad behavior, *blushing* oopsie" type stuff....

When as a femdom you *address* this behavior, sometimes the reaction is, "lighten up, I was just messing around!" and the femdom can be made to feel like she's over-reacting or a stick in the mud. However, I have found that subs who exhibit this kind of behavior early on tend to do it on larger scales later, and since it neither amuses me or provokes me, I prefer to just address it early on. When I am too tired or not that emotionally involved or it's in a casual setting (newsgroups, chatrooms, casual emails that are not romantic) I just ignore it and move on.

Sadly, it totally sends mixed signals to engage in this kind of behavior SOMETIMES, but what should a femdom do if she's sometimes in the mood to go along, and other times not? How does one define the roles of consensual, silly banter or responding to "cries for attention" without encouraging it?

Akasha

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RE: Attention Seeking Behavior - 1/27/2009 9:51:24 AM

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Aakasha, is there a specific example you can provide?
Best, MPlease

Strike that (above). I believe I know what you mean. I've had the experience and what I do is clarify the meaning, explain my mood and any boy that comes back with a smart-ass answer telling me how to feel, what to think, or how to react is summarily chastised with apology expected (encouraging taking responsibility) or he is ignored/dismissed with consideration of the depth of the interchanges. While in a long term relationship, I will review what actions/words I may have supposed recently that would have solicited the behavior and look to see if there's some relationship issue that needs to be addressed or changes that I could make to not encourage the behavior. (Taking my own responsibility.) Communication, communication, communication.

Best, MPlease

< Message edited by MPlease -- 1/27/2009 10:54:33 AM >

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Attention Seeking Behavior - 1/27/2009 10:10:26 AM

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I've engaged in this. However, I've only ever done it out of fondness - never to make someone feel uncomfortable, still less angry. I've only ever wanted to make the 'target' feel some sort of amusement. If I've picked up the wrong signals from a particular person - which has happened - but have later been made to realise that, then I've stopped. No sense of recrimination on my part - I don't feel that person to be 'a bad sport' - I just think person X doesn't enjoy that, feel maybe embarrassed if I've taken a while to long to notice, feel there's no point in my doing it - and move on.

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RE: Attention Seeking Behavior - 1/27/2009 11:00:29 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MPlease

Aakasha, is there a specific example you can provide?
Best, MPlease

Hypotheticals - sure --

In a relationship: When the sub sulks instead of just stating that he has a problem with something or bringing up an issue. By sulking, he is looking for attention instead of dealing with the problem head on.

In preliminary stages, courting stages of a relationship, or in the middle of casual training: Saying he quits or is giving up when you know he is NOT intending that at all, but he wants the femdom to either force him to continue or ask him what's the matter, instead of him just bringing up the problem so it can be discussed. Sending cryptic emails, cryptic voice mails that essentially say, "I quit," but really are just pushing the femdom to take control of the situation and find out what's wrong.

In a relationship, at a party or public place: Acting out because he is not comfortable if his partner is talking to other people or not showing him the same amount of attention. Alternatively, leaving the room or leaving the party saying "I don't feel good," or something like that, so that she will say "no, stay! What's wrong?"

Playfully "misbehaving" or being slightly naughty in hopes of being corrected or threatened

In early stages of email exchanges or online, being "a bit of a smartass" but always having a smiley :) as if it's an inside joke and she should appreciate it, or else she's a stick in the mud..

**

In looking at these off the top of my head, I suppose it's more "passive aggressive" behavior than attention-seeking but it's all the same ball of wax. I think a lot of subs are not given the amount of attention they want/need/deserve (in some cases) and this is how they are forced to deal with it, but I know some femdoms can't read between the lines or have zero patience and end up just dumping the guy when he does this. The challenge I have had is trying to determine early on if the attention-seeking is just a reaction to a problem or if it's his "standard behavior." The first can be addressed and fixed. The second is the type of sub I can't really connect with.

Akasha

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(in reply to MPlease)

RE: Attention Seeking Behavior - 1/27/2009 2:37:43 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

Sadly, it totally sends mixed signals to engage in this kind of behavior SOMETIMES, but what should a femdom do if she's sometimes in the mood to go along, and other times not? How does one define the roles of consensual, silly banter or responding to "cries for attention" without encouraging it?

Akasha

Be unpredictable

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(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Attention Seeking Behavior - 1/27/2009 2:41:25 PM

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casual conversation w/ someone i dont know--ignore
in a relationship--the issue will be handled/dealt with

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RE: Attention Seeking Behavior - 1/27/2009 7:27:52 PM

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Can't abide it. I am not a drama queen, cannot abide drama behavior in others ( fun or otherwise) and will not pay heed to attention seekers. Pure and simple.

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RE: Attention Seeking Behavior - 1/27/2009 7:57:06 PM

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I think this is behavior almost all people do even when relationship is not kinky.

My submissive is suppose not to make noise when I study. Sometimes he does make noise and I know he wants attention. When I feel good I give him punishment I know he likes. I walk on him and do other things (private to us). When I feel bad I make him go away or I make him stand on one leg for many minutes. He does not like standing on one leg and he whines. My sub knows when he try to have attention sometimes he will get wrong attention from me. He is rolling dice or playing gamble.

That is what I do.

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Attention Seeking Behavior - 1/27/2009 8:23:09 PM

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I loves me some sassmonkey. My companions banter with me all the time, and as long as they don't go after my (very few, clearly marked) hot buttons, all is well.

Sulking? Drama? Not acceptable. I nail that stuff early on. I suffered through one sulky pouter, and I won't do that again!

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RE: Attention Seeking Behavior - 1/27/2009 8:24:25 PM

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If he needs attention and doesn't ask for it, have you given him permission to ask for it? Or instructed him that he is supposed to ask for it? Because sometimes people don't know what to do and are afraid that directly asking will be seen as the dreaded tftb.

As far as sometimes being in the mood and sometimes not, about all you can do is lay out ground rules of when it is not acceptable: if you have a headache, are working, are watching your favorite show etc. And other times just say straight out that this isn't a good time. Beyond that, if this behavior is a need for him, what about allow it only at specific times such as in roleplay?

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RE: Attention Seeking Behavior - 1/27/2009 8:58:56 PM

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If it is My slave, and this attention seeking behavior is abnormal( not a normal way that My slave communicates with Me) I discuss it.
If it is a maladaptive behavior he has developed I correct it by naming it and then ignorning him until he is able to seek attention in an acceptable way.
If it is not My slave but a slave of a close friend or a family slave I may when the slave is not around point it out to their owner.
If I have no relationship with the slave I ignore it.
I think that is all the ifs LOL

(in reply to DesFIP)

RE: Attention Seeking Behavior - 1/27/2009 11:11:57 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
When a submissive you know - either your intimate partner or someone you are casually dating/seeing (or someone in collarme, whether it be in email or on forums) exhibits "attention seeking behavior," do you playfully go along, do you simply ignore it as to not encourage it, or do you do something else? I am not talking about huge outbursts or odd behavior, but things that can be viewed as passive aggressive, "look at me," types of things - things said or done to get a reaction, or "bad behavior, *blushing* oopsie" type stuff...

I don't mind at all, someone seeking attention. I most definitely do mind being nagged, or otherwise irritated with attention seeking badness, or passive aggressiveness. I'm more than a little generous, when it comes to considering what my significant other wants, if he speaks up like a respectful, tactful adult. Anything else, gets them a special "you've just phucked up" look from me, and ignored, until they apologize, and maybe even suffer other consequences of the type they dislike. M

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(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Attention Seeking Behavior - 1/27/2009 11:19:57 PM

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Wow! I do this and never recognized it as either abnormal or irritating. It always seemed to me to be less intrusive than expressing my wants/needs. Perhaps my 6th decade will be a huge improvement on the previous 5. Thanks for bringing up an interesting issue and providing me an opportunity to improve myself as a result. **blushes** ;).

yours

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RE: Attention Seeking Behavior - 1/27/2009 11:27:05 PM

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If a sub/slave disrupts a chatroom with drama or attention seeking behavior,I usually ignore it.I would presume that the Dom/Domme would address the behavior if said sub/slave belonged to them.
I,personally,don't see harm in allowing My subs to "brat" once in a while as long as the behavior doesn't get disrespectful to anyone. But that's Me...

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RE: Attention Seeking Behavior - 1/27/2009 11:52:54 PM

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From: an atypical sub
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I am new to D/s, my Mistress has been involved in it for more than 13 years. She has said that I am the most obedient sub she has ever had. That was a *huge* compliment to me! I make mistakes and sometimes she has to disipline me to make certain I don't make the same mistake again, but I have *never* willfully disobeyed her. I do however have a sarcastic witt and am prone to bad puns. Most days she finds that entertaining and just gives me the occational playful swat on the butt. Occationaly she will simply tell me in a stern voice that some subjects are not to be joked about, or that she just is not in the mood.

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(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Attention Seeking Behavior - 12/18/2010 1:20:39 PM

erran

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hello,

i am not even sure if it is entirely appropriate to post a reply to such an old thread or if it will ever be read. however, the subject matter spoke to me and i feel moved to contribute a thought.

as a submissive i can totally identify with DesFIP's post. i do engage in this behavior, but it is not always about seeking attention. rather i am frequently trying a combination of behaviors/ideas that please or involve my Mistress.

imagine my surprise the first time i moved from one infrequent but long-term relationship and attempted to become involved in another. my former Mistress preferred that i flirt, wear sexy clothing and pose provocatively for Her. this was initially counter to my inclinations, but i soon learned to enjoy it. on approaching a new Mistress some years later, i engaged in the same activity only to be told i was topping from the bottom by making my needs or desires overtly apparent. to the contrary, i had been trying to stimulate a pleasing response in Her.

the new Mistress preferred politely and evenly stated direct discourse. i later encountered a third for whom silence was golden. She preferred i not speak at all.

every Domina is different in her own unique way. this is one area where i appreciate being lead carefully to understand the rules and taught the behavior patterns most pleasing to Her. i do not believe it is so much a passive/aggressive thing as a very strong desire to find the way in which my behavior is most pleasing to Her.

i suppose my default behavior when i actually want something for me is to ask for it - "may i massage Your feet?" rather than "would You like Your feet massaged?". This was very interesting reading and has given me real food for thought. thank You!!

xoxox,
erran

(in reply to atypicalsub)

RE: Attention Seeking Behavior - 12/19/2010 8:36:22 AM

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When did this get so complicated? Seems We have to be psychologists in order to Domme someone so We'll know if they are feeling, saying, doing all they should. I just go with the flow as it totally depends on what was said, how it was said, the circumstances involved, the type of relationship - just go with your gut.

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