quote:

ORIGINAL: subtlebutterfly
I can't believe a person (not a 50 yo at least) could actually misinterpret this post.
Have you ever replied to a post without talking about your dick or straponfetish or the way you get so turned off when your mistress abuses you??

..anyway got a bit carried off, is there any way to hide the posts a person makes? mals posts really piss me off.

To the op: don't have the experience but I'm sure it takes longer time to earn their trusts.
If they've been physically abused I bet it takes a long time to be able to whip them (for fun/misbehavior) if you could ever inflict physical pain similar to what they got in the abusive relationship/childhood/whateva..

Anyway it's just a guess...things take much more time.

Hello subtlebutterfly,

What a beautiful name you've, for one.
I understand your reaction towards mal, he is very much out of line.

And yes I agree, patience are a good start.
And not everyone is beaten, so it can trigger different things,
so allot of communication and patience is needed.

Thank you very much for your contribution.

Warm Greetingz

GoddezzT`

quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz

I think one needs to tread incredibly carefully with any new sub. I have had a female sub that had some incredible abuse and the abuse she recieved in her past she wanted to re-enact with me. This can be dangerous ground especially if your playing with a victim and not a surviver. I believe the key thing is to talk, talk and talk some more and then you can make an informed decision of weather it would be healthy to go there or not.

I have heard many people talk about 'victims' or subs with 'too much baggage' and how they are doing this for all the wrong reasons and how they don't want to get involved with that sort of shit. That is our fear and we have every right to fear it because we are not trained therapists and we really don't want  the guilt of possibly opening a whole can of worms. Its a well known fact that a victim will look for a rescuer but its also known that a rescuer will often look for a victim. The problem here is that the said victim will probably have to deal with a whole load of shit before he/she ever finds that rescuer and the result of that could be one very traumatized person.

The victim often feels the need to re-enact the past because they need to choose the ending. By choosing the ending they re-gain the control and by gaining control they may find closure. This is why rape victims often fantazise about rape. Its nothing to do with enjoying it but everything to do with finding an ending.
And some will want to go through it,
to find closure, and others won't ever go there,
it so depends on the individual.

I have an issue with pillows and bed covers being put over my face. It looms from deep in my past when I was very small. S has worked so hard with me over this. Recently he gave me a comfort blanket (a safe place) to hide under and by doing so he has turned something very negative into something very positive. The first time he stood back and watched me hide under this blanket he cried because it was such a huge leap from victim to survivor.

Helping, understanding and guiding a submissive from victim to survivor can be very rewarding but I think before you contemplate that route you have to be in love, have to want to remain together and have to know one another inside out.

I think we also need to accept that sometimes we can't help.

Maria

Thank you so much maria,
for all your imput, and your personal experience.
It's good to learn from each other,

It takes allot of time & effort,
and to watch your sub carefully,
and a good communication, to grow
behind certain points.

As you've proven here yourself.

With allot of warmth and care there is a good start.

I wish you enough.

GoddezzT`

quote:

ORIGINAL: Gwynvyd

My best advice is to go slow, talk things out.. define limits, and expectations. Be patient. Be caring, Be that safe place for them.

Gwyn

Hello Gwyn,

Thank you so much for your openness about yourself
and your experiences.

Openness about the subject is very good, and
of course so much patience, and looking at your
sub, to see her/his body language, and eyes,
and not only wait on their verbal signs.

and as you said, define limits, and expectations,
and don't ever cross those lines, or the trust will be broken,
but that goes for every sub of course.

I wish you enough.

GoddezzT`

quote:

ORIGINAL: SpareBoyfriend

See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transference

I read it, and I think
that have lived through abuse,
one missed a few lessons in life.
Such as building up a good self image,
having self-respect, since you weren't
respected when the abuse happened.

And it's normal that stuff which happened, works through
in your life, until you've dealt with it,
got help to be able to give it a place.
I notice it's hard to put this in Good English,
but I hope You understand what I'm trying to say.

Thank You for Your contribution Spareboyfriend.

I wish You enough.

GoddezzT`

quote:

ORIGINAL: StrangerThan
And there are the instances where even when they may be aware of and come to terms with the past, you uncover something their mind has shut off. Happened to me once. A woman remembered right in the middle of a spanking, that she had been raped and molested by an uncle when she was 5 or 6. It wasn't her first spanking, and I don't know what triggered it, but the tears changed. It's something you have to be cognizant of when dealing with known issues, that sometimes, there are things hiding back there that you may uncover whether you want to or not.
Yes if they blocked it out, and don't remember it will come out one day or the other.

Being Dominant also does not imbue one with special powers from any higher plane. Read that to mean it doesn't make us counselors or psychologists.
I couldn't agree more, although allot is asked of Us sometimes.
 Some folks may need professional help. Some do not. Again, it's going to be relative to the person. I've had a subby girl
who had flashbacks, and it was going so far I told her I wouldn't Dominate her any more, because I couldn't guarantee her
safety, and I'm not going to burn Myself on anyone.
So that ended.

Even Dominant people drown.
And Yes that's a very good remark, get help, there are good counsellors out there.

Thank You very much for Your openness,

I wish You enough StangerThan.

GoddezzT`

quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

Speaking as a past abused person it really isn't that different to dealing with any other person for me. We all have our issues, our triggers and things in our past which have an effect on us and our actions in the present.
That's your good right to have
that opinion, missturbation.
Good communication is extemely important for me.
Patience is needed with me.
Sometimes things which have happened in the past can be very difficult to relay, explain to others. It takes time to trust someone to the point where i feel comfortable enough to talk about certain experiences.
Activities that can / do trigger past memories of abuse should also be treated with patience too.
Yes all those things are important,
Patience is a  biggie al right. And without trust
there never should be any D/s.
Although I believe that people with an abused
history lack self esteem, and a low self image,
which can cause bad decisions,
or attract people who have a nose
for people like that, and have a bigger
chance on a abusive relationship.
Which is called D/s by the abuser.
I've seen this happening quite a few times.


*shrugs* just my opinion [:D]

your opinion was very welcome hon thank you kindly

Warm Greetingz

GoddezzT`
 

quote:

ORIGINAL: colouredin

quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

I personally need to be reminded every now and then that i am of value, cared for, not taken for granted. 

I have to agree with this, its so important that if the activities cross over into past experiance there has to be something to make it differant, love and compassion are the key. It can be a wonderful way to change association with specific memories so that the memories no longer have any power over you.

Good to point this one out colouredin,

I couldn't agree more, to reassure the sub,
and tell them how proud I'm of them.
We all love a compliment, and should make them more often.

Thank you kindly.

Warm Greetingz

GoddezzT`

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

During the first few years I needed more patience from him. Plus him seeing when I was reacting to past experience and not to him. When that happened what worked best was for him to hold me while reminding me that he's not my ex, that he isn't going to yell/hit/unfairly blame me/etc.

But we're talking years here to unlearn past responses and learn new ones. If you aren't going to put in the time, then don't start because when you drop the sub as too much work it will just reinforce those responses and reinforce past teachings that he/she is valueless and fundamentally unlovable.

Awesome to hear you've found your match,
and that He held you during those times.

To be understood, and to find a good way to get through
the old pain. Thank you for your openness.

I wish you enough.

GoddezzT`

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

First off, I assume that you are talking about those who were abused as children and possibly as an adult, not those who were abused first time as adults.

I have dealt with previously-abused subs before.  My take is that they have higher pain tolerances, and lots of triggers.  However, if I take the time to work with them patiently, I find that they bond strongly.

Yes DarkSteven,

You assumed that right. It's about woman, and men, for that matter,
We know they are out there too, who are abused, mostly sexual when they we're children.

And I thank You kindly for Your contribution.

I wish You enough.

GoddezzT`

quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz

I have a little wart and it troubles me sometimes
Sometimes its so small you won't notice it and neither will I
Sometimes its so big that its all you will see when you look at me.
I wasn't born with this wart, someone implanted it on me
So sometimes I am beautiful and sometimes I am ugly
but my ugliness was given to me, I never asked for it.

This is something a sub female once said to me.

Yes I understand her.
I've written several poems about
that pain inside, it's good to share,
and let it out, thank you for sharing this.

Warm Greetingz

GoddezzT`