quote:

ORIGINAL: KiandPhoenix

Hello all. It has been a very long time since we posted anything, but I decided to change that tonight obviously.

I worked with an abused sub about a year ago. the man she chose to submit to had ignored her hard limits and forced her to do things that were illegal. As a punishment for not obeying his commands that ignored her hard limits he meat her with a belt buckle from ankle to neck leaving basically one large bruise. Thankfully she managed to get away from the guy who was obviously using BDSM as an excuse to abuse women.

She worked with my lady as an exotic dancer, and Phoenix brought her home asking me to work with her. I started her like I would any person I was going to be working with for any length of time. In other words we spent a lot of time just talking about her limits, likes dislikes, past experiences, what she wanted to get out of it, feelings. . . you get the picture.

When it came time for our first scene we went slow, with a lot of checking in, and very lite. It took about two minutes for her to begin to relax, and I worked her up a little, then back down until I was so lite she fell asleep. The next day she said that she had hoped for something that was completely different from anything she had ever experienced and that it was exactly what she had gotten. we worked together for a couple months gradually increasing  and changing things. By then she had figured out that the whole BDSM community is not evil, and she finally left us to go to family out of state.

We did a lot that covered past experiences, but the preparation of getting to know her wants and needs beforehand was a big step toward trust. Going slow and checking in with a hand squeeze were also important because it gave a reassurance that what was happening to her was by someone who cared, and would stop if things got bad for her. I am a naturally hug and cuddle oriented person to begin with, and she was not, but we ended up meeting in the middle to make sure she know we cared.

~Ki

Hello Ki,
Ive never met You on the forum before,
but most certainly wanted to thank You
for Your contribution on This subject.

There is indeed a very grey area, in Bdsm,
where people use Bdsm to abuse woman,
and tell them that they are not worthy of anything or anyone else.

I've heard many story's as such.
That's why I'm always willing to talk to newbies
and make them aware, that they are entitle to say No,
and they have to set their boundaries, and should be
respected as such. If not? There is a huge chance
they can b used in a very wrong way.

That's also why forums as these are so helpful,
to read and learn from experiences of others.

I wish You enough.

GoddezzT`

(in reply to GoddessTeaze)

(in reply to GoddessTeaze)

(in reply to CelticPrince)

quote:

ORIGINAL: BlueRadar
GoddezzT

To your original question that started this thread, the answer is yes. And if I had to do anything over during the 10 year relationship with this beautiful woman whom I love to this day but can no longer reach, I would had put my efforts into getting her professional help. Going slowly, baby steps if you will, did not work.

Despite my efforts, I now know I simply aggravated her issues with herself. To say that it was and is the worst heartbreak on a scale I have never known before could easily be argued as self pity on my part. But it's not....it's simply my final view...I could not help her and she goes forward in life now into what I know are worse things.

Hello BlueRadar,
But You can never blame Yourself for trying.
And that tells allot about You.
I believe You're a beautiful soul.

I do wish You enough.

Warm Greetingz

GoddezzT`

quote:

ORIGINAL: Underumam

Abuse comes in many forms. There are most definitely people in this lifestyle who will abuse, as well those who like it. (not talking just physical abuse)

I was abused to an extent, or more precisely, USED by my former Mistress who I met here around 5 years ago. Unknown to me at the time, she was an alcoholic with alcoholic tendancies that only got worse when we played.  I could tell some funny stories, but won't. It was my own fault for allowing it. The hard part for us sub men is that when we fall for a woman, most often we will do ANYTHING she asks, and will do so despite any risk to ourselves. I guess the word SANE comes to mind..lol.

Hello Underumam,
Yes abuse comes in many forms, all the forms suck,
and not in a good way !

I'm sorry to hear you found an alcoholic Domme,
We aren't talking here about fault.
There are lessons to be learned in life, and apparently
She came in your life, to learn what you didn't want.

your comment about male subs tend to do anything
for their Miss, goes for females too..
There are allot out there, who are in an abusive
relationship, and wouldn't dare to get out,
because they are manipulated etc.

So I don't think men are worse in that object, then woman.

So yeah.. Underumam,
keep on thinking..
and not with your clit only


I wish you enough.

GoddezzT`

(in reply to GoddessTeaze)

(in reply to Underumam)

(in reply to pixidustpet)

quote:

ORIGINAL: pixidustpet

as a formerly abused submissive....i'd say the biggest issue i have is trust.  my father abused me. my brother did a lot of things which contributed to my insecurities.  my first husband abused me.  my second husband didnt abuse me but DID say things that made me feel "less".

i've known TheEngineer for 9 years now.  i can trust him.  i know he listens to me when i say no...and then asks me "why".  the why of it is important to him, so that he can ascertain if its something fleeting ("i'm hurting bad today") or something permanent ("X used to do/say that and it brings back those feelings") and how he wants to deal with the situation.

i dont know if all my issues will ever be fixed, despite years of therapy, a couple of hospitalizations, and lots of love from my mother and TheEngineer. when you break a dish, you can glue it back together and make a functional dish again...but you cant unbreak it.  some of those weaknesses will continue to be there no matter how good a glue you use, even if it never breaks again.  you need to be aware of the weak spots, and how to work around them.

i can call TheEngineer "Daddy" and never blink about it.  i couldnt have done that a few years back.

kitten

Hello kitten,

Thank you so much for telling your story.
And what a good way of explaining
how you feel what has happened to you,
with the dish. It won't ever be a whole dish,
but glued together you can eat from it.

It's awesome to read that you've overcome allot,
and found someone who loves you, and whom
you can trust, and also awesome to hear
how much you've grown.

I do wish you enough kitten.

Warm greetingz

GoddezzT`

(in reply to colouredin)

(in reply to Lovemetomorrow)

(in reply to NCNutCase)

(in reply to colouredin)

(in reply to colouredin)

... live Life honestly ...

(in reply to GoddessTeaze)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lovemetomorrow

Let me say that I have not had experience WITH an abused sub but I am an abused sub. Long story short - I learned that hard way that some men who claim to be Doms just get off on beating women. I am probably going to regret admitting that on the forums but I have learned that talking about it and sharing my experience (especially with inexperienced Submissives/slaves) helps with the healing process.

Hello Lovemetormorrow,

I admire your openness, about this subject, and thank you
for your contribution to this thread. We all can
learn from each other, there for it's good
to spit it out !

Take your time to get to know Doms,
Trust your guts instinct,
when something is weird..
Then be careful, and be aware.
Men who wants to go really quick,
and Women too of course, and don't really listen
to you, and only are interested in themselves,
are most of the time bad news.

So a good thing is which you're doing already,
is to be in touch with good friends,
in D/s who can help you, and you can turn too
to discuss matters.

Feel free to email Me, whenever you would like al right hon?

I wish you enough.

GoddezzT`

quote:

ORIGINAL: NCNutCase

My most recent long term relationship was with a girl who had abuse issues in her past... She often hated me for the abuse someone else put her through... This made the relationship difficult to say the least...

Abuse is a serious issue and a thorough understanding of the situation is very important for the person who has been abused... Open lines of honest communication will greatly help the relationship... Seeking outside help to deal with the abusive situation is often helpful... Not dealing with the emotional scars of the abuse is setting the abuser up for continued failures in future relationships...

Hello NCNutCase,

I so can relate to Your comment here.
To feel understood, is very important,
to not shove this subject under the carpet.
To be taken serious is a big thing.

Seeking help, when he/she is ready for that.
Sometimes it's obvious that they need help,
but they aren't ready yet..
It's hard to watch that, and it takes allot of
time and patience to stand besides her/him.

I also fully agree, with not dealing with
this issue, will break them up in other
relationships...

Because one can't wipe out the past.

When you don't deal with it, it will come up
to the surface, when you don't need it,
and when you deal with it, then you control
the memory's and you can decide if you want
to let them come out or not.

I thank you for your contribution.

I wish You enough.

GoddezzT`

quote:

ORIGINAL: IamNumber42

I'm never quite sure how to begin a post like this, so I'll just jump into it. I'm a submissive male that's been through a lot of abuse in my life. Certainly it could have been worse, but abuse is never good. I've been in a mentally abusive relationship, I've been abused physically by someone as a child, and I know I have some sort of blanked out memory that left me with a terrible phobia of spiders involving another adult from when I was a child as well. That being said, I think I'm pretty well off.
First of all I want to welcome you to the forum Imnumber42,
and there for admire your openness even more !
I'm sorry to read that you've been through allot of abuse.

 I live through each day just fine... I'm usually quite happy even. Up until about a year ago I couldn't say that. At one point in time I got bad enough that I was afraid to go outside. I won't say I feel lucky to have gone through everything I did... but I will say I think I'm a much better and stronger person because I've overcome it. Well... for the most part anyway.
I read that you've overcome allot
and been working hard on this issue, which goes
with ups and downs. And yes come out of this stronger
is the best thing to do !

All of these experiences have left me a very cynical person, I have a hard time building trust with people. A very hard time. It takes a while~ But I'm still capable. It's almost a good trait to have as a sub, because I would hope I will find less abuse in the end for it. On the other hand, around the people I do trust, I can feel safe and loved. Free to be myself and just... not worry about trusting people or not trusting people, you know. I'm glad that there are plenty of loving dominants out there who do care enough to take things slow, and make sure things are okay for us both. BDSM related people can be scary sometimes... but the right people can be amazing!
I so can relate to your
comment of being cynical, I was that too,
until a few years ago I discovered that I used
that to hide My pain/sadness.
I always made a joke, when it got difficult,
so no one could see what it really did with Me.

I've learned to let that go, and to tell people what
things do to Me, because I've learned to take Myself serious and also My feelings. And this feels a hell of a way better now.

you're on the right road, just keep on working on it !
Of course trust is a biggy.
But on the other hand you know that you
can love people & feel safe, so also give
yourself time in this.

Time is a great healer.

Nowadays I usually don't even think of the abuses I've suffered in the past, in fact I forget that I have at all most of the time. There are some lingering side effects, but I can be very proud I've made it as far as I have. I can't ask for much more than that. (Well, I can ask for a loving partner, but I'm sure that one is only a matter of time!) This topic has reminded me that the loving caring type are out there... all over the place even. It's very heartwarming to read all of your posts. Thanks for making the topic GoddessTeaze. To all the ones out there caring for someone who has suffered abuse, I cannot express the wonderful feelings I have for you! You are amazing people, one of the reasons I can find to still believe that not all people are bad. To all those who have been abused, my heart goes out to you, and I hope one day you can at least be happy with where you are.

you are more then welcome
Imnumber42. And I fully agree with your comment
about all those people who has stand by their partner
who goes through this ordeal. And yes I always say
there are two kinds of people, good people & bad people,
so count your blessings with the loved once around you.

That's a very sweet wish of you.
Thank you.

I wish you loads of love, and warmth,
and most of all enough.

Very Warm Greetingz

GoddezzT`

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster

I had a relationship with a sub who had been abused, and in the end it didn't work out because she never overcame the psychological after-effects.  On the outside she seemed fine, and she had indeed admirably put her life back together after her horrifying past, but enduring intimacy wasn't possible with her because she had convinced herself that all relationships must come to a premature end.  So she kept on sabotaging everything until it reached the point that I could no longer keep her.

Hello Lordandmaster,

Thank You for Your contribution, and I can relate to Your
comment, about not showing on the outside,
No of course We don't carry an X on our foreheads, grinz

It's easier to have a broken leg, so people know
something is wrong. Then to have scars on the inside.

Time is a great healer.
And it's a shame when it doesn't work at times,
but in time I do hope they will live & learn
and grow stronger, and are able to let go bit by bit,
and regain control over their own life.

I wish You enough.

GoddezzT`