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RE: Forcing my morals on someone else. - 1/31/2009 2:01:12 PM

ODschainedangel

Posts: 69
Joined: 10/4/2004
Status: offline

I have to agree with Many here. It is not pushing your morals on him it is keeping your own. I have seen other friends who have been told this story (we are just roommate, i stay for the urms, ect) you do not have bad judgement you seem very wise to have figured out that if is nothing between them should be no reason not tell her about you.
You learned this lesson far soon than I did. It took me many years and many tears to figure out such things my friend.

Angel

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 21

RE: Forcing my morals on someone else. - 1/31/2009 2:11:16 PM

NorthernGent

Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
Status: offline

General reply...

It sounds like hard work to me, regardless of morals.

_____________________________

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Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

(in reply to ODschainedangel)

Post #: 22

RE: Forcing my morals on someone else. - 1/31/2009 2:17:31 PM

BondageBarbieX

Posts: 495
Joined: 4/1/2008
Status: offline

I would demand he tell her and if he still says no I would walk away.

(in reply to colouredin)

Post #: 23

RE: Forcing my morals on someone else. - 1/31/2009 2:24:51 PM

YourhandMyAss

Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline

If they're not married and they're not involved I say it's none of the womens business what her room mate is doing. Even if the room mate and her do have kids together.

quote:

ORIGINAL: colouredin

Now so I met a Dom hes quite nice, we get on and we went on a date. All is lovely and then I get a phone call. He lives with a woman, they are not married and are not in a sexual relationship however he stays with her for the ums. Seems really sad to me.

Anyways My response was I will carry on seeing you just so long as you tell her and shes ok with it. He doesnt want to tell her. Is it wrong to insist this? I have known people who do have an ignorance is bliss mentality, they know whats going on and dont want to be told about it. However if there are no romantic feelings there where is the harm?

Im sorry I have no experience of this stuff. Im pretty sure that I am going to get most people saying that I can only do what I am comfortable with and I agree, Im just looking for a bit of insight.

(in reply to colouredin)

Post #: 24

RE: Forcing my morals on someone else. - 1/31/2009 2:32:44 PM

chamberqueen

Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline

I don't think it is fair of one partner to try to force the other into sharing with others about the relationship if they don't want to. If you are concerned that she means more to him than he is saying then that is the real issue to address.

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Post #: 25

RE: Forcing my morals on someone else. - 1/31/2009 3:06:23 PM

YourhandMyAss

Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline

Because room mates can make your life a personal hell hole, if they're vindictive or immature, or juvinal, And you can just avoid the whole headache all together.

quote:

ORIGINAL: VeryNastyDom

Hmmn, not married and not in a sexual relationship with this woman, but living together. It happens all the time, and that is what you call a housemate. The question you have to ask is why a grown man would care if his housemate knew he had a new girlfriend if the relationship was purely Platonic?

(in reply to VeryNastyDom)

Post #: 26

RE: Forcing my morals on someone else. - 1/31/2009 3:32:27 PM

Lashra

Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline

quote:

He doesnt want to tell her. Is it wrong to insist this?

No you are not wrong in insisting on this, what is his problem with telling her IF they truly are not in a relationship? If he does not want to tell her, I'd say move on. That is just my take on it.

~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

(in reply to colouredin)

Post #: 27

RE: Forcing my morals on someone else. - 1/31/2009 3:49:55 PM

MostlySubMale

Posts: 7
Joined: 7/23/2005
Status: offline

I agree with the others who say you should walk away, but for a different reason.

If he and she both are willing to cooperate for the sake of the um's then you don't want to be the one who messes it up, even if it's inevitable.

It's becoming very rare for both a mother and a father to make any sacrifice for the benefit of um's. My suggestion is for you to call it off and mention to him that you don't want any part of anything potentially detrimental to um's.

Sorry for not putting WIITWD above the well-being of children, except to anybody who has already done so and wants to hear there is nothing wrong with it.

(in reply to Lashra)

Post #: 28

RE: Forcing my morals on someone else. - 1/31/2009 4:10:27 PM

NCNutCase

Posts: 129
Joined: 2/2/2005
Status: offline

I do not think you should 'force your morals' on others... and therefore I do not think you should insist he do so...

I do think it is wise of you to not want to be invovled in a relationship that is a secret. In my opinion/experience this is simply setting yourself up for drama...

The fact the guy is asking you to do this (in my opinion) is a huge warning sign that to be involved with him means to be involved with lies, secrets and drama...

So I would suggest letting him know you are not interested in a hidden or secret relatinoship, and if he ever matures beyond that point you may consider getting to know him better. But if you ever do decide to get to know him better, do not forget this lesson of his character...

(in reply to MostlySubMale)

Post #: 29

RE: Forcing my morals on someone else. - 1/31/2009 5:27:09 PM

oceanwynds

Posts: 1044
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline

Not sure if it is forcing your morals on someone, but more why have something in secret. I find that doesn't begin anything in the right light.

(in reply to NCNutCase)

Post #: 30

RE: Forcing my morals on someone else. - 1/31/2009 7:15:38 PM

blacksilk

Posts: 7
Joined: 1/1/2009
Status: offline

<FR>
Just a different spin on the view:
If he remains in relationship with you and doesn't tell his significant other, he is tehnically cheating and you are a party to it. It also doesn't say much about his honesty, honour, integrity or communication skills. Are you sure you even want to be in a relationship with someone like that? Chances are very high that he will be that way with you too. A leopard does not change his spots with a new mate........

(in reply to oceanwynds)

Post #: 31

RE: Forcing my morals on someone else. - 1/31/2009 10:37:49 PM

myotherself

Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline

Nope, you're not a poor judge of character - you're only human. When something seems right, we want it to BE right and that can affect how we view the situation.

Hell, I can dish out great advice with the best of 'em, but when it comes to myself I seem to have my 'twat filter' permanently switched off...

After a recent nasty incident I've started listening REALLY closely to that little voice in my head. If it says 'run', I'm outta here like an Olympic sprinter!

Good luck, and I hope you make the choice that makes you happy

_____________________________

There's nowt so queer as folk

(in reply to colouredin)

Post #: 32

RE: Forcing my morals on someone else. - 1/31/2009 10:41:27 PM

NCNutCase

Posts: 129
Joined: 2/2/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: myotherself

Hell, I can dish out great advice with the best of 'em, but when it comes to myself I seem to have my 'twat filter' permanently switched off...

I had a close friend tell me once that my picker is broken... after hearing my immediate response he yelled "I said picker, not pecker!"

(in reply to myotherself)

Post #: 33

RE: Forcing my morals on someone else. - 2/1/2009 1:08:11 AM

scarlethiney

Posts: 492
Joined: 8/22/2008
Status: offline

colouredin,

I do not think your forcing your morals on him. My concern would be your being in a relationship with someone who isn't or can't be forthright with the person he is living with.
First it's not fair to his partner no matter what the status of the relationship and that would have me questioning the status of that relationship and why he would chose to stay "for the children". That never helps anyone including the children.
Secondly and most importantly from your point of view it's not fair to you. I guess I would ask you; why are you settling for a relationship where the person you are beginning to care about is "unavailable"?
Perhaps you need to ask yourself what you can hope to expect with the situation the way it is. Unfortunately, I don't think you can expect much and since you do seem to really like this man your feelings would only grow if you continued this and then you dear heart would be the one who stands to be hurt when you want more than he can or is willing to give you in his current circumstance.
I think you deserve more.

scarlet

_____________________________

"The words 'I am...' are potent words; be careful what you hitch them to. The thing you're claiming has a way of reaching back and claiming you." - A.L. Kitselman.

see my profile masterkspet

(in reply to colouredin)

Post #: 34

RE: Forcing my morals on someone else. - 2/1/2009 8:02:14 AM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: colouredin

Now so I met a Dom hes quite nice, we get on and we went on a date. All is lovely and then I get a phone call. He lives with a woman, they are not married and are not in a sexual relationship however he stays with her for the ums. Seems really sad to me.

Anyways My response was I will carry on seeing you just so long as you tell her and shes ok with it. He doesnt want to tell her. Is it wrong to insist this? I have known people who do have an ignorance is bliss mentality, they know whats going on and dont want to be told about it. However if there are no romantic feelings there where is the harm?

Im sorry I have no experience of this stuff. Im pretty sure that I am going to get most people saying that I can only do what I am comfortable with and I agree, Im just looking for a bit of insight.

Point 1: If he is telling the whole truth, I see no problem as long as he is prepared to bring her along to a coffee weet so you can verify the story. Ergo - No verification there is a good chance he is telling you porkies.

Point 2: If all is not as he says, you should stick to your guns. Ypou are not forcing your morals on any one as you have a right to where you stand and why. It is up to everyong else todecide if theywant to play in your sand pit or find another if they want something different. Just basic good relationship sense.

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to colouredin)

Post #: 35

RE: Forcing my morals on someone else. - 2/1/2009 9:10:20 AM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

You ask about forcing your moral's upon him... you are concidering a great deal. I wonder if he is doing the same. Isn't he asking you to keep secret's to protect the um's, a decent cause of course... that strikes the heart's of anyone who love's um's. But isn't he asking you to compromize becasue of his mistakes in his relationship that didn't work out? Isn't he positioning himself to 'seem' good and decent and honorable as a father? You do not ask too much... but he does, whatever his reasons are.

No one likes to be a secret and that you would be. He is wonderful and putting on his best... and oh by the way... I cannot do this and that because I am a daddy and I am doing this to save them... but she really means nothing to me as far as things that you and I could share... she just cannot know.

You may not decide to go for this seemingly wonderful man... but someone will. Could we be jaded and suspecious? Yes... But the chances are... he is asking far too much, limits what you can share for at least eighteen more years... can only be part time... and as the um's get older... more secrets... Or he calls things off with you when you want more or need more or can't be there for holiday's and you sacrifice all while he has his honorable stand... protecting the homefront... but how does he protect you? How does he view someone who will fall for his line, if it is a line?

Stop placing the responsiblity on yourself... when it is he who should be being responsible here. How well are secrets kept? Then what happens? He puts you in a very bad place and expect's too much. You do not.

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 36

RE: Forcing my morals on someone else. - 2/1/2009 9:18:28 AM

sujuguete

Posts: 263
Joined: 7/3/2008
From: DC metro area
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: myotherself

my gut feeling? If he's not prepared to share something this important with the woman he lives with, the mother of his kids, then can you really trust him not to hide stuff from you too?

I would feel very uncomfortable being with someone who is so comfortable with lying.

This is exactly what I was thinking.

Also, you are not forcing your morals on him if you tell him you will not accept his refusal to tell the mother of his kids. You are setting boundaries, which is entirely appropriate and necessary.

_____________________________

"The true man wants two things: danger and play. For this reason he wants woman, as the most dangerous plaything." ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

(in reply to myotherself)

Post #: 37

RE: Forcing my morals on someone else. - 2/1/2009 10:37:35 AM

kiwisub12

Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline

Perhaps as Lockit says you are willing to go along with the deception for the sake of the kids. Great.

But you might consider that your relationship will never go anywhere. If you are comfortable with being nothing more than the secret on the side, then cool. But if at some point you might want to make the relationship 24/7, or even be welcome in his house, then this relationship is a disaster happening in front of you.

I have known women who were happy with being part time lovers - for years. But i have known far more women who wanted a more emcompassing relationship.
You need to decide what your long term goals for any given relationship are, and go the route to attain them.

good luck.

(in reply to sujuguete)

Post #: 38

RE: Forcing my morals on someone else. - 2/1/2009 12:52:14 PM

Andalusite

Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline

Do you really want the drama of dealing with that? Sure, he doesn't need to tell her details like your D/s and/or BDSM stuff, but at least he should be able to tell her that the two of you are dating, if he was actually telling the truth (which I doubt). Not the kind of guy I'd want to be involved with! However, if you think lies are kinky and hot, it's your life!

(in reply to kiwisub12)

Post #: 39

RE: Forcing my morals on someone else. - 2/1/2009 2:15:53 PM

devotedinSD

Posts: 91
Joined: 11/30/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: YourhandMyAss

If they're not married and they're not involved I say it's none of the womens business what her room mate is doing. Even if the room mate and her do have kids together.

I agree. But if that makes the OP uncomfortable there's nothing wrong with that, either, just move on.

_____________________________

Enjoy when you can, and endure when you must.

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

(in reply to YourhandMyAss)

Post #: 40

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