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justheather -> RE: New year, new me...a girl can hope (1/17/2006 6:22:16 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: FTopinMichigan
I would only caution giving someone else the power over you, to make changes that "you" have to make yourself. If you allow them all the power, you are not changing for you, you're doing it for them. And while this method may work initially, if the relationships ends, what happens then?
Thanks so much for your thoughtful response.
I guess I should make a distinction here between what I see as losing weight for another person and, say, not eating a brownie for another person. I desire to lose a few pounds because my jeans are too tight and I dont care for the way my thighs look. Im not losing weight for someone else but with the help of someone else.
Im a submissive woman. That's not just when it comes to the bedroom. That's also not just when it comes to doing things to please him. I dont serve my dominant solely out of a need to give. I also serve my dominant because I get some things I need in return. One of the things I get is the freedom to lay down the details of things I find overwhelming and allow someone else to manage them so that I am free to do the deeper work.
I have been aware for many years that I have a very highly developed external locus of control, as opposed to a highly developed internal locus of control. This is something that can be, and has been, modified to some extent, but very much of it, in my opinion, is hard wiring. I can spend a whole lot of energy trying to change the way I am or I can find ways to facilitate my being the healthiest and happiest person I can be while accepting and even celebrating my submissive nature.
Thank God I have a dominant who gets me and loves me as is! That is probably the only reason Ive been able to comfortably come to him and ask him to share some of the burden of this task with me. It is very much in a collaborative, healthy and supportive spirit that this is occurring. My only concern is that I will be unable to seperate any failure/setback on my part from the idea that Ive somehow disappointed him. That comes from inside me, not from him. That is why Ive asked for the help, wisdom and experiene of the group.
I do not agree that a person will not make lifelong changes if they require an outside locus of control to initiate that change. I struggled with bulimia nervosa for eight years, and through the help of an inpatient program and OA, I was able to successfully put a stop to that destructive cycle. A lot of the important, deep work was done while someone else took complete control of what food went into my mouth. If I had been still struggling with controlling my food, Id never have been free to do the real work at hand.
Im a pretty self-aware person and Ive done my share of seeking out groups for help and support on my way down this amazing path Im on. I see seeking the assistance of my dominant in the same light Id see going to WeightWatchers or OA for example. Accountability to those groups (and in the case of the 12 step variety, leaning on a power outside yourself, greater than yourself - hey, sound familiar?) is what millions of people do every day in order to find the task of change a little bit easier.
That said, I do appreciate the wisdom of your experience and do not take your advice lightly. I also agree that the best reason to make a change is for yourself. Congratulations on your continued success.
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