RE: Possible to be both Domina and slave?

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RE: Possible to be both Domina and slave? - 3/1/2009 12:19:01 PM

Sexycelticlady

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Maxwell67

*FR*
So again there is drama.. started so small but it became a big deal. She was nibbling on me, which she does sometimes and I do not always mind, but this time I was not into it, so I put a ball gag on her, which normally she has loved wearing. Now to me, this is just being playful, not a punishment. But she gets upset, now. And that is the moment My other girl decides to tease her a little, and gets a kick. So I chastise them both. I can see that my little switch is not happy so I remove the gag, because that was not my intention, and she yells at my other girl. Now that is just the wrong thing to do on many levels. I tell them to apologize to each other and while my submissive slave does so my switch refuses... big no-no number two. Now she is angry so I give a time out to cool off before I talk to her about it further.. she thinks she is being punished, but that was not my purpose. I just wanted her to get herself calmed down. Explaining it to her does no good. She is indignant. This is not the behavior of any slave I know..

I cannot let her undermine my authority. She has to shape up or ship out. I would like to think I have given her a fair shake. As soon as she realizes that I may let her go, she cries and begs, and says she is trying to be the slave I want her to be. I think it is more likely she is trying to get me to change my expectations of her so that she can continue to act out, since each time she does she then says she made "one little mistake" for which she thinks she is getting no break at all. Her one little mistake is that she wants to obey only when it suites her and to be allowed to act out her "dominance" whenever she is upset.

Is this really what I can expect from a switch? I am not going to get used to it.

No, you should not expect that from a switch. She refused to apologise and that is acting up and misbehaving, for which she should have been punished and she should have accentped her punishment. She is being defiant and it seems to me that she is not suited to being in a poly situation as a slave as each of the incidences you have described relates to interactions with your slave. Either she quits this or it might indeed be better to let her go.

From my perspective, I think you have to be harder with switches when they act defiant than with subs/slaves, because they do have a dominant side that comes to the fore. They need to be shown greater strength so that the submissive nature comes to the fore. I admit I have been defiant a few times with my Sir, not intentionally as it was when something from my past was triggered and lightening quick my submission evaporated. He then exerted more control, demanded more of me and made me submit (not physically but mentally) and behave before he then took a lot of time for aftercare and reassurance.

If she acts up then she does not get your attention anymore. She needs to know the consequences of her defiance and have them rigourously enforced.

(in reply to Maxwell67)

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RE: Possible to be both Domina and slave? - 3/3/2009 5:32:08 PM

DesFIP

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From: Apple County NY
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Slow it down. A lot. You've known each other about a year but the dynamic is much shorter. Yet you already have her playing with others, which people normally don't start until their own relationship is strong. Your relationship is part time at best, and not of long duration. You don't have enough trust built up yet to be pushing her like this.

And instead of giving her sex assignments or turning her loose, give her assignments that will deepen the trust and knowledge between both of you. Emails or journals, musings on topics. Deepen the heart, not the extreme sports.

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RE: Possible to be both Domina and slave? - 3/3/2009 6:37:37 PM

celess

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Joined: 2/12/2009
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I find a lot of dominants like to be pushy and bullies. Thus they may have their own issues of insecurity and so won't touch a switch because of it. You need to be true to yourself. There are a lot of people who are unsure which side they are actually on. Even those who claim to be just dominant or submissive. Being a switch allows the person to explore their options. Understanad both sides. I for one think it is difficult to be dominant if u were never submissive and vice versa. I think there's probably a lot growth that occurs and then perhaps a Switch then chooses to stay a dominant or submissive or they don't. Know yourself and then find yourself.

< Message edited by celess -- 3/3/2009 6:38:33 PM >

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RE: Possible to be both Domina and slave? - 3/3/2009 6:49:31 PM

DavanKael

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Joined: 10/6/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MistresseLotus

quote:

Still, I am of the opinion that if those of us who are Dominant will not give a switch a fair shake because they are too much trouble, then a lot of really wonderful and talented folks who could be great in a relationship are going to end up lonely.

And therein lies the sadness of switchydom. You have stated it nicely.
There are those that ARE D or s...then there are those that PLAY D or s.

Can you see why some say that switches are not either/or.. they are neither/nor?

What a strange conception. I've never heard such a thing asserted. I've certainly heard people say that switches are Dominant or submissive and just refusing to commit but nothing at all?! How does one explain dsm intersts, D/s or M/s proclivities, etc. then?
What a puzzling line of thought.
Davan

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RE: Possible to be both Domina and slave? - 3/5/2009 6:48:19 AM

ThoughtfulSwitch

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This is quit difficut to understand for some people who did not make their own experience yet. Concerning D/s, a switch usually is not less dominant or submissive than you. We know to serve and we know to rule. And we like both ways.

This does not mean that a switch grabs the paddle while playing, in order to do it just the other way round and to spank himself/herself. If the role is set, it will be lived out. There is no need to be afraid of that.

But if time goes on and on and a switch is not able to live out both roles, it can become difficult for the switch.
In my case I liked to do the same things to my Mistress, after a month. It was irritating, but did not make me disobeying.
(This feeling can be best described as if you have to live completely without BDSM - you can do at least, but something is missing.) I still have both likes; to submit and to lead/train as well, but I know that I don't have enough experience yet to take the full responsibility for a slave.

Of course this is just an example, as far as I can say it depends mainly on the personality, on how much you tend to a direction and of course on how intense you live out D/s.

I guess it could be best for her to have a place in the middle of a hierarchy. This should keep your relationship free of the desire to dominate (because she gets it) and will prevent any problems about that.

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RE: Possible to be both Domina and slave? - 3/9/2009 9:33:45 PM

pandoravampire

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Im sure it is. Providing all the significant dom/mes Master or Lords in your life are happy for you to do so.

Its not real free choice is it.

(in reply to Maxwell67)

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RE: Possible to be both Domina and slave? - 6/25/2009 4:33:46 PM

Maxwell67

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Just a quick update here. There has been a major change to my household and that has led to a huge improvement for this dynamic in particular. Perhaps other D-ypes can relate to this.. I sometimes meet submissives who have personal difficulties that I am well suited to. That is I am able to teach them to overcome these problems.

Now as it happens, I had thought I was in no position to take on another sub, given the problems described in the previous posts. However this felt like a moral imperative.. I could not just let this very good human being continue to live with these problems when I knew I could help her, so I took her into my household, and for a little time (about a month) dealt with the inevitable shit storm that often follows bringing a new person into a troubled house. But then something extraordinary happened..

My little switches dominant instincts kicked in - she brought her other slave (at this point she had only one left) into my family also (with my blessing, of course) and she began to help me manage my house.. it turned out that was all she needed; a challenge that fit her skills. Now she no longer kneels with the other slaves (which had always bothered her anyway) because she has duties that require her to be dominant to them. She submits to me in private sessions and serves me in her dominant capacity by running things as my right hand. It works beautifully. Everyone is happy and it may be that things are now running so efficiently that I am considering looking for another switch with a talent for managing human resources and growing the family even more.

This is most definitely not a thing I would have thought possible until it happened. However the joy that is filling our house is very real and it seems to increase with the size of the family, so the idea of another very carefully considered switch addition actually seems like a good thing, as long as we do not rush things. I will wait a while (several months at least) to be sure that things are really going as smoothly as they appear to be, and if at the end of that time we are all still this eager to share what we have discovered by expanding our household, then we will start the search.

Isn't life amazing?

< Message edited by Maxwell67 -- 6/25/2009 4:34:30 PM >

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