Men who want selfishness on their own terms

Join Our Community

Collarchat.com

Home Login Search

Men who want selfishness on their own terms

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Mistress >> Men who want selfishness on their own terms

Page: [1]

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

Men who want selfishness on their own terms - 2/21/2009 7:08:54 PM

Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

A variety of threads lead me to this thought, and the interest in finding out what other women think. First, I don't compromise my femdom desires for anyone - they are what they are, and men know when they get involved with me. But outside my femdom needs, I am incredibly compassionate and sometimes too sensitive.

Submissive men, and bottoms, love selfishness when it pushes the right buttons. I have no problem telling a man what I want, and making my arousal, my pussy, my needs and my orgasms come first. Rewards and incentives are on my terms. I am extremely cautious in new encounters, both online and real life, when a man seems way too incentive-driven, and seems to have a hurried sense of finishing tasks or doing things so he can get to what he wants. This makes my femdom desires fizzle. Rapidly.

There are other submissive men who want to encourage and nurture my selfish side, but only in the areas that they find sexy. So do we just label these guys with the dreaded "bottom" stamp on their forehead and put them in the corner?

If a man enjoys your selfishness, but only if it's in the way that he finds acceptable, who is running the show?

Akasha

_____________________________

Akasha's Web - All original Femdom content since 1995
Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

RE: Men who want selfishness on their own terms - 2/21/2009 7:23:12 PM

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

He is. In my opinion.

I don't label him with the "bottom" stamp, I find being a bottom perfectly fine... it's the fetishists who masquerade that annoy me.

Try taking away the remote during a show only HE wants to watch so you can watch the dog show, or an X-Files rerun. Moan over the hotness that is Mitch Pileggi. THEN you'll see how he likes selfishness!

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Men who want selfishness on their own terms - 2/21/2009 7:58:14 PM

Posts: 1654
Joined: 8/7/2005
Status: offline

quote:

Submissive men, and bottoms, love selfishness when it pushes the right buttons.

Everyone loves whatever pushes the right buttons.

quote:

I have no problem telling a man what I want, and making my arousal, my pussy, my needs and my orgasms come first. Rewards and incentives are on my terms.

As it should be.

quote:

If a man enjoys your selfishness, but only if it's in the way that he finds acceptable, who is running the show?

(emphasis added)

He is only running the show if you allow him to.

It's unrealistic to expect him to enjoy your selfishness when it is unacceptable to him. That's almost oxymoronic. Are you really asking whether he "enjoys" your selfishness, or whether he "accepts" it? He'll only enjoy it if it is convenient for him, compatible with his desires, or excites him by catering to some fetish or fantasy (which can include accepting thing he doesn't like). Isn't it OK if he just "accepts" it when those conditions doesn't apply? Also, does "acceptable" means only in ways that turn him on, or in ways that don't violate his hard limits?

I'm wondering if your question would be better posed as "If a man accepts your selfishness, but only in the way that he finds enjoyable, who is running the show?"

In that case, if you let him get away with it, he's running the show.

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Men who want selfishness on their own terms - 2/21/2009 10:03:13 PM

LovingMistress45

Posts: 271
Joined: 2/7/2009
Status: offline

I would say he is not running the show unless I let his enjoyment or lack there of effect how I express my selfishness. He doesn't have to enjoy what I am doing or having him do or not letting him do. And if this is a issue for him then he needs to move on.

I do wonder at times why malesubs will pick a Domme that wants something they don't and then get upset? My profile clearly identifies that I am a Sadist and yet I have men contact me that can tolerate some pain but don't want marks......hmmmmmm......not happening in my world. I like to see my marks left on him, that is part of my selfishness, I am not going to put forth the effort it would take to not mark him. So, he can enjoy the pain and the marks or he can enjoy knowing the pleasure it gave me - I don't care which it is.

(in reply to hardbodysub)

RE: Men who want selfishness on their own terms - 2/21/2009 10:57:46 PM

Posts: 131
Joined: 3/10/2008
Status: offline

The problem is either one of communication, honesty, or unrealistic self-obsession. Presumably the slave will know generally what you enjoy, and you will know what he enjoys, when he becomes your slave. He's the slave, so going in knowing what you are going to want, and then whining about it, would be his fault, unless you totally ignore what he wants, and he reasonably assumed that you'd incorporate that into your relationship. It's up to the mistress to decide how to run the relationship. I'd never complain about how she did it. If over a period of time, I was unhappy about how she'd handled it, then I'id just leave. If I found she had lied to me, that would take about five minutes. Otherwise, it's up to her to enjoy herself as she pleases. She knows what I enjoy. She'll either give me enough of that, or she won't, as time goes by.

(in reply to LovingMistress45)

RE: Men who want selfishness on their own terms - 2/22/2009 1:05:41 AM

Posts: 1160
Joined: 11/20/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
First, I don't compromise my femdom desires for anyone - they are what they are, and men know when they get involved with me. But outside my femdom needs, I am incredibly compassionate and sometimes too sensitive.

Same here

quote:

Submissive men, and bottoms, love selfishness when it pushes the right buttons. I have no problem telling a man what I want... when a man seems way too incentive-driven, and seems to have a hurried sense of finishing tasks or doing things so he can get to what he wants. This makes my femdom desires fizzle. Rapidly.

I think it's just a matter of fitting one another. If all submissives simply were, and all dominants simply were, none of us would have difficulty finding the right partner.... But since we are complex human beings with different influences, desires and aspirations, we run into all sorts of "if only he/she were more like" I want him/her to be factor. If only he complimented my way of loving/dominating more... M

< Message edited by FullfigRIMAAM1 -- 2/22/2009 1:06:56 AM >

_____________________________

The place to improve the world is first in one's own heart and head and hands.-Robert M. Persig

Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence Erich Fromm

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Men who want selfishness on their own terms - 2/22/2009 4:31:25 AM

Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline

In this scenario, he is. However, this is an interesting thought to ponder--no one goes in to this with out selfish motives--I don't care what anyone says--there is an intent on everyone's part to get something out of it for them. To continue to maintain a relationship--it has to be mutually satisfying---the challenge is--how to define and develop that mutuality.

I steer the ship, I chart the course, I direct and decide--but to do so without consideration to chezz's needs doesn't provide him room to grow, doesn't allow him to maintain him as a person, doesn't pay attention to his basic needs and when that happens, how good can he be to and for Me?

I personally don't equate My FemDom with selfishness, because I think to make it work well, you have to know where and when someone else's needs have to be looked after. However, he also knows that it isn't on his design, its not an option to say " I don't wanna" " or " I only want to xxx" but it is his option if he feels he is being totally forgotten to speak up--is that selfish? Probably so, but as I stated, everyone who goes into some kind of relationship, D/s or otherwise does so with some self gratification motives.

_____________________________

I am the Cat, holder of the whip and chair.

"Let's see-whips, dips, chains, chips, yep sounds like a party to Me!"

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Men who want selfishness on their own terms - 2/22/2009 6:21:49 AM

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

Is he running the show?

No, he's being true to himself.

You can decide to stay in a relationship that doesn't fulfill your needs and desires but if you don't go blaming the other person before you go have a hard, honest look in the mirror and ask yourself why you are staying.

We should all be adults here in mutually consensual relationships after all. If you aren't, then your problem is bigger than him trying to "run the show".

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Men who want selfishness on their own terms - 2/23/2009 12:06:25 AM

Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
There are other submissive men who want to encourage and nurture my selfish side, but only in the areas that they find sexy. So do we just label these guys with the dreaded "bottom" stamp on their forehead and put them in the corner?

If a woman enjoys cuckoldry, a sub who enjoys or is open to cuckoldry is compatible with her. A sub who does not seek cuckoldry is not a bottom but instead a sub who is incompatible with her.

Cheers,

Sea

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Men who want selfishness on their own terms - 2/23/2009 7:16:07 AM

Posts: 1674
Joined: 8/13/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

If a man enjoys your selfishness, but only if it's in the way that he finds acceptable, who is running the show?

That depends, I guess. Exactly what is it about your behavior that he finds "unacceptable"? If you are so selfish that you have become a completely repugnant and evil person, are YOU really "running the show"? Or are you the equivalent of a spoiled 300-pound urchin screaming for more candy? And do we really think it's a fault in a submissive if he or she doesn't find that kind of personality terribly attractive?

Dispensing orgasms or not is optional, obviously, and so is indulging in play that a submissive enjoys more than you do. Personally, I suspect the fantasy of the uncaring, unfeeling bitch is a hell of a lot sexier than the reality, in day to day life. Certainly the submissive women I have known seem to find this is true of the fantasies they have about unfeeling, uncaring men; the endless string of selfish, rude, obnoxious bastards was a phase that they grew out of when they found a few dominant men who were actually decent human beings.

YMMV, of course.

_____________________________

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
-- Robert A. Heinlein

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Men who want selfishness on their own terms - 2/23/2009 8:06:34 AM

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Isn't this simply a matter of compatibility? If your desires match, you are somewhat compatible. If your sense of timing is totally different, then that's a major incompatibility.

Instead of labeling others as bad for not having read your mind and know exactly what you want and when, why not wish them good luck elsewhere.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to ShaktiSama)

RE: Men who want selfishness on their own terms - 2/23/2009 12:09:54 PM

Posts: 368
Joined: 1/1/2009
From: GA
Status: offline

i think the word "bottom" could be applied when a sub shows no desire to be flexible and has a one track mind one how he will derive pleasure from the relationship...but then again, it he a true sub/slave or just into kink-fetish? i have met subs/slaves who may express their like, yet state that they like the lifestyle overall. once u "begin" with him, u find out that his is not at all willing to submit/learn/be guided in other areas. so, maybe he could "try" to run the show or be dismissed altogether.

i dont believe true Dommes/Mistress will allow a sub to control the direction or exercise his desires in a relationship.

_____________________________

...:: MsDDom ::...

... live Life honestly ...

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Men who want selfishness on their own terms - 2/23/2009 2:05:22 PM

Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline

I don't get all the ragging on bottoms - in my experience, they're if anything more willing to let their partner be creative and imaginative, and don't have as many demands/expectations, as the majority of submissive men I've been around. On the flip side, I've bottomed a bit myself, and while I have occasionally asked for something specific, I was always very respectful about it, and tried to leave plenty of room for the other person to shape the scene. Any such requests were done during negotiation ahead of time, not in the middle of a play session. I've done a bit of casual play on those terms, but I've also been in a couple of longish-term relationships that involved topping and/or bottoming without any D/s, quite happily.

If a submissive *never* gets to exercise his desires in a relationship, I tend to think that he's fairly likely to eventually get tired of it, and find someone who's willing to at least occasionally indulge him.

< Message edited by Andalusite -- 2/23/2009 2:07:00 PM >

(in reply to MsDDom)

RE: Men who want selfishness on their own terms - 2/23/2009 6:34:06 PM

Posts: 503
Joined: 5/25/2008
From: Sinsinnati
Status: offline

Hello A/all,

I suppose that in my case it is a matter of what forms of her selfishness that I am able to meet. Providing a Lexus is out of my ability. Providing a sensual pleasure... well... You'll get my best effort. If you want snow from the summit of Everest... Not from me! Snow from Whitney... More likely. Now, AAkasha, if you want snow from Baldy just tell me where and how much!

I'll just need to borrow a pickup truck.

Mike
SnowRanger

_____________________________

You can't help where you were born; and, you may not have much to say about where you die; but, you can and you should try to pass the days in between as a good man.
Anton Myrer Once an Eagle

(in reply to Andalusite)

RE: Men who want selfishness on their own terms - 2/23/2009 8:58:02 PM

Posts: 412
Joined: 4/19/2008
Status: offline

ok..i am selfish...i have wanted and desried Mistress Cat for the longest time and wanted,needed,desired her to be in my life..end result..i now belong to her.Depends on where the selfishness is placed i would think...this isn't rocket science....it is about two people meeting,building and fostering a great relationship.So most if not all of us are selfish and downright eager about it.No crime in that.

(in reply to SnowRanger)

RE: Men who want selfishness on their own terms - 2/23/2009 10:52:00 PM

Posts: 778
Joined: 3/24/2008
Status: offline

I think as long as everyone knows what's going on and expresses their needs, it's all good.

My husband is a dominant, who occasionally bottoms....not submits, but bottoms....for sensation play. We both know it's not submission. And for me, doing sensation play on him is just an extension of the way we remember that precise spot on his neck that gets him hot and the way he starts to move just before he comes, and use that to make it better for the person we love. I get the dom high off it, though not as much so as if I've worked a sub, and so I do get something from it.

I am not selfish about that either. Sometimes, after all, I don't want an orgasm. I want a good back and scalp scratch, and lotion rubbed in from neck to heels in back. (Of course, when one has chronically dry skin, that's almost orgasmic in and of itself.)

_____________________________

I use fastreply. Don't take offence where none is meant.

Just because I'm not a bitch doesn't mean I'm not perfectly capable of making sure you'll be very sorry if you disobey.

(in reply to chezzy71)

Page: [1]

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Mistress >> Men who want selfishness on their own terms

Page: [1]

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2024

Terms of Service

0.156