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Aneirin -> RE: Ssri's and feeling ? (2/23/2009 4:40:47 AM)
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No worries Camille, about the doom and gloom, for I know it well, for I have been on these things a couple of years now, they do work in that they cloud the external stimuli that affects my condition, but some of the other effects are not so welcome. Becoming used to the effects, life is just a continuous dull day, the zombie effect I suppose, the living dead, interest in anything is hard to keep. But I also know if I miss a dose, the next day is slightly unbalanced and my interest in things sexual starts to return, miss another dose and the next day, I am coming back to life. Yes, I have experimented with these things and I know how far I can go before I have to go back to them, usually two to three days off and I am a sexual monster, my sense of smell returns, I can taste things, touch becomes good again, I can regulate how much touch I use instead of the simply touch and no touch, on/off idea.
Too long off the meds, and I did think myself better last April and I just quit them dead, no tapering or anything and what a monster I became, even the cat was keeping out of my way, as it must have realised literally any hole will do. The mood shifts became frantic, rapid and intense, at any one time I could not describe how I felt, such was the feeling, happy,sad, energetic, tired, etc all in one go, but the most powerful feeling was the sex drive, the mind was on sex all the time, a constant state of arousal, the skin tingled, nay bristled with feeling, like an energy wave coursing through the skin.
I reported this feeling to my psychologist, and he advised I go back on the things to stabilise some of the effects, but he said what I was feeling is all the subdued energy, bottled up energy being released unregulated, the dam gates had not been sluiced open to control the flow, but had been thrust wide open, such was the effect.
But back on the meds, it is as usual, just a sexless zombie, the inner mind wants, tries to find some stimuli, but the body won't respond, even my hobbies and interests don't hold me for long, because of the lack of stimuli, I get nothing from them bar the initial interest and that wanes quickly. The only way I can maintain an interest, is when I am doing something for someone else, perhaps my need to be of service maintains an interest, but otherwise, no interest from others, I lose interest. Forums and such have been my saviour in the darker times, like here, coming on here and posting questions that some perceive as antagonistic or daring, it is I realise the search for response as I am continuously analysing my thoughts and patterns and that of people.
Now, I still sort of take breaks in the meds now, but that is because of that nasty condition of procrastination, the leaving of things to the last minute and not being surprised when it goes wrong, it takes an interested nagger to get me moving, I have good friends who nag and I thank them for that. But going back on the meds after a day or three of reduced dose, full strength has nasty effects, climax is impossible, arousal is there, but the action causes screaming pain in the top of the head and neck, a pain that makes climax not worth the effort, skin sensitivity becomes dull, little if anything can be felt.
Alcohol, many who take meds also take alcohol, it is advised we do not do it, but it for a short time allows enjoyment to be had, we can converse with others and share the same laughs, a controlled respite from the swim through treacle of normality. Depression is still seen in those that take the meds, but it's not so much depression, but our experience of living without living, the senses dulled, we do not feel as others do due to the action of the meds, so we appear depressed.
But this past weekend, I had a situation where I subbed for another and found there is an interest, that of service to another, a session without sexual gratification, yet I was not bothered about it, it would have been nice, but I know it was a non event with me, I did try, but the screaming head pain would not allow it, but at least I find enjoyment in service.
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