RE: PLEASE help !!!????

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RE: PLEASE help !!!???? - 2/26/2009 3:04:10 PM

cosand

Posts: 16
Joined: 2/22/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingpet

Actually, yes I did know. That's why not a single one of my vanilla friends have a clue. My semi-vanilla husband has catagorically the same reactions you do. I think talking with this dom is a fabulous idea. It sounds like he is going to take you to task on this and that's a good thing.

Myself and a few other people on these forums have worked in domesic violence intervention at some point and can very readily point out the differences in all this and in real abuse situations. I don't even like to hear the words violent, abuse, or punish all that much. I understand what people are trying to convey, but they are using terminology that is negative and derogatory. I think you will have a great enlightenment along the way, especially after talking to this dom a time or two or two hundred.

Sooooo, thought about that senario I gave you some more? What if it was she who was dominant? What would you think? Keep in mind a lot of folks to work on both sides of the whip. You may be striking closer to home for her than you realize.

lovingpet

I was actually thinking I need to be careful how I use "Violence" and "abuse", and I aplogize for being flip with them When those words are over used, it takes away from the situations in which the really do apply

I have thought about that scenario.
To be honest, no, it would not bother me in the least, and I know that is totally inverted logic.
I have totally come to terms with the fact that I am a bit of a self laoathing male, and that the control I seek far exceeds the control I object to.
The forst step in soloving a problem is knowing you have one...I am pretty much there

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RE: PLEASE help !!!???? - 2/26/2009 3:22:33 PM

lovingpet

Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
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Well it is a start. I only think self loathing sets in if you allow it. Interesting how your perception is. Now let me ask what I have hinted at before. What if it were YOU in the dominant position with her doing those things and taking her will? How does that calculate for you?

Oh, and just so ya know your posting ranking is about to take you from vanilla to newbie soon! You are stuck with us now!!!! Muhahahaha!!!!! LOL

lovingpet

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Post #: 42

RE: PLEASE help !!!???? - 2/26/2009 4:29:04 PM

cosand

Posts: 16
Joined: 2/22/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingpet

Well it is a start. I only think self loathing sets in if you allow it. Interesting how your perception is. Now let me ask what I have hinted at before. What if it were YOU in the dominant position with her doing those things and taking her will? How does that calculate for you?

Oh, and just so ya know your posting ranking is about to take you from vanilla to newbie soon! You are stuck with us now!!!! Muhahahaha!!!!! LOL

lovingpet

You know it's funny. Both my wife and my friend laugh a little at me aboput this. I am SO careful with her that when I from time to time do some light physical domination( I will sometimes press down hard on her back or head, grab her hair, hold one arm behind her back (get the picture?) or give her semi harsh instructions during sex..."Look at me, dont look away"..."say my name"....Are you my little girl? ..etc) I am SO carful to switch gears back to a gentle semi submissive stance almost as if I am correcting myself and saying without words, "Sorry, I lost me head". Needless to say, no such apology is required. This I am told, even though she is sligtly amused by how transparent the over comensation is, is "how she knows I honestly love (note the lower cae l) and care for her.

I guess the short answer to your question is, I draw a distinction between those times when I sort of play the dominent role with unspoken perameters where a simple look or body movement is our safe word, and acting out of love, and going in with pre fabricated rules, safe words, and with a who knows what mindset about her.

make sense ?

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Post #: 43

RE: PLEASE help !!!???? - 2/26/2009 6:45:14 PM

lovingpet

Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
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Yes, I understand very well. My husband does this when he attempts to be the domly one with me. Just when it is starting to get really good, he'll begin apologizing and pull back or stop altogether. There has been many a fuss over this between us. He could tip over that edge into being fully dominant, at least in the bedroom, with little provocation if he really was willing to do so. I really believe it to be the same for you and I am happy to help you make that transition if you would like, but it has to be something you want. It doesn't mean you have to be dominant with her or with any of your current partners, but that it is a way you are able to sexually express yourself in a relationship that sparks it in you.

I will tell you that D/s that occurs organically out of a pre established relationship often functions just the way you two are currently doing things. Rules to set boundaries and safewords are used between people who don't know each other well yet as a safety precaution. There are some awesome couples on here that do not believe in limits and safewords and they have very good reasons for it. It doesn't mean that they don't avoid certain things in their play because of boundaries that exist and it doesn't mean that either the dominant or submissive cannot stop play in an emergency, but it means that they have a very deep knowledge of each other and can read each other well.

As far as mindset, you will eventually find your own set of triggers that draw you into dominant headspace. Think of some of the times this has happened between the two of you. You may soon see patterns of behaviors, words, looks, dress, positions, and more that brought that out in you. She has a similar set of triggers that draws her in as well. Learning to utilize both will give you more control over when and how things progress so you are not caught off guard by how you are behaving. I will warn you that dominant headspace has the potential for a drop after a scene. You may or may not experience it and you will experience it in your own way. She, too, will likely have such a reaction afterwards and it is important to help her through it. All of this is something you have to experience and learn how to handle in the right way.

You are flirting with this way more than you probably realized. Now it is time to figure out what to do about it. I say, hang around and read, listen, meet people, and learn. You will be surprised what you may find out about yourself.

lovingpet

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Post #: 44

RE: PLEASE help !!!???? - 2/27/2009 4:32:06 PM

crazyredhead1957

Posts: 189
Joined: 12/10/2008
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Cosand,
i looked for your profile but did not find one.......anyway, i just want to say that i'm reading this thread with much interest.....at this point in time, i am only four months out of a totally vanilla life & also have an inbox to offer if you wish to write. Your initial post reminds me so much of my sister's reaction to D/s in general when she found out i'm submissive.....she has a naturally Dominant personality and can't see it. haha

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RE: PLEASE help !!!???? - 2/27/2009 11:32:59 PM

LovingMistress45

Posts: 271
Joined: 2/7/2009
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Do try to get to know some dominants, I think you find that most of us actually very kind, loving and caring people. I can understand your reaction to what seems to violence from your view. But understand something - those of us who are really true in this lifestyle would never hurt someone that did not want it. We would not hurt someone in a way they did not want. There is an agreement in these type of relationships that may not make sense to someone looking in from the outside. Both the dominant and submissive fullfill a need in the other. The trust and emotional investment can be far greater than what occurs in other more "normal" relationships. Can abuse happen in BDSM - yes it can. Is it the norm - no it is not. In an abusive relationship there is not consent, there is fear. In abuse power is not relinquished it is taken by force.

Two good books have been suggested to you. Another that I would suggest is Screw the Roses, Given Me the Thorns.

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Post #: 46